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#39 [Jan. 21st, 2009|05:02 pm]

I walk the straight lines. I walk through the summer nights. I walk the silver rope of dreams. I walk through dawns of dawns. There's not a lot that isn't dying. I see people parading in front of each other like insects in a killing jar, watching each other die. I walk the straight lines through the Christ machines. Through the eyes of the throwaway people. Through the wards and the shores and the cracks in the skulls of the sidewalks. Through love's howling vacancy. I am the freedom soil. I dig my own grave. I resurrect myself every night. I am all things to myself. I walk the straight lines. I walk the spider's jailhouse. I walk the think line, the thin line, the white line and all the lines in between. I wish I could trade in my eyes.
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Hey Charley, I think I'm happy. [Dec. 14th, 2008|06:49 pm]
[Current Mood |Sappy.]
[Current Music |Tom Waits - Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis]

I love winter.

I love that, during winter, it is perfectly acceptable to be wasted by 4pm, as long as your beverage of choice is warm or 'spiced'.
I love that women can wear the most shapeless, unflattering jumpers, and still get attention from men.
I love how, today, I went out wearing earmuffs, ski pants and a jumper with an enormous snowflake on it and nobody batted an eyelid.
I love the way everybody has that healthy flush of red in their cheeks when they come in from the cold.
I love the way everybody has that healthy flush of red in their cheeks because they have been drinking Mulled Wine since November.
I love the little pang of excitement I get when I remember that its Christmas.
I love Christmas compilation albums. Especially 'Funky Christmas' by James Brown, which was actually a present but I couldn't resist listening to it.
I love that I just had a text from a friend I hadn't seen for 7 years, asking when we can swap our homemade mince pies.
I love the way Dad thinks that ever meal needs to be 'hearty'.
I love it when people say 'feeling Christmassy'.
I love having the excuse to bake for no other reason than its Christmas.
I love the fact that Mum and I have been to at least 8 different shops for crackers, but we still haven't found any that meet our criteria. (Okay, my criteria, Mum's only criteria is that they include one of those fortune telling fish.)
I also love that we spent 15 minutes online reading reviews on crackers.
I love buying, wrapping and giving presents, and despite now being incredibly out of pocket, I'm actually a little upset that I've finished it all.

I love knowing that I'll be seeing my Grandma and brother soon, and that, regardless of how much we'll be shouting at each other in 11 days, it'll be the first time we've all sat together for a whole year.

And I think its all so lovely.
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(no subject) [Oct. 8th, 2008|08:13 pm]
I love overhearing snippets of conversation:

'Mate, if you stop shoving that white shit up your nose, it'll stop bleeding. Plank.'

Gotta love Enfield Starbucks, classy as ever.
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(no subject) [Oct. 3rd, 2008|11:24 am]
I am furious. And I am furious that I am furious.

Last night I woke up at least twice due to the downstairs phone ringing. I must have thought I'd imagined it as I was probably still half asleep, so ignored it and dropped back off again. 7.45 I'm woken up again by the phone, this time I get up to see what it is. I'm one of those people who automatically assumes the worst so by the time I get downstairs I'm thinking 'Grandmas died. Dad's been in a crash. Somethings happened to Richard in Sheffield.' and so on and so forth.

I get in the living room and Mum is staring blankly at the television with a cup of tea in her hands. She asked me if I heard the phone calls last night. I say yes. She goes back to staring at the TV. A few seconds pass and I ask 'So...what was it then?'. She answers 'my brother'. The brother who grew weed in their house and left home at 16, caused my grandparents no end of heartache, got heavily involved with drugs, presumably in trouble with the police, went off and joined a gypsy commune in the early 80s where he pretty much went off our radar, had several children and several failed marriages where most of the kids and wives didn't know about each other. And the Uncle who, when my Grandmother died, wouldn't come to her funeral because he was 'busy'.

I've only met him once in the last 18 years, which was a few Christmases ago. Before that we hadn't had any contact really. No birthday cards, no Christmas cards, nothing to say where he was or what he's doing. And, if I'm honest, we didn't really care. But it turns out he doesn't live far from my Dad's Mum in Wales, which is odd. And when we visited he just seemed like a sad, fucked up old man. He's destroyed his mind and his body from abusing too many substances and can barely move because of arthritis.

I asked Mum what he wanted. I was already angry. She said she didn't get to the phone in time during the night (2.45am and 4.15am), but there were messages left on the answer machine, one was blank and the other was a text which couldn't be picked up. He'd also called her mobile and left her messages on there saying 'I NEED A CAR NOW'. How fucking dare he. All I can think of is that he's fucked himself up on drugs or he's finally lost it or something, and he's decided that for whatever reason he needs to borrow Mum's car. So now Mum's gone off into her little daydream world, which she does when she's depressed, and has put the phone off the hook and turned her mobile off and is terrified that somehow the phone will ring.

I hate that somebody who has been so destructive to our family, and who tried to legally disown us on more than one occasion, thinks that he can behave in this way, and that it doesn't matter what he's done, we're still his family and therefore we owe him something. Doesn't work like that, Sunshine.

Whatever the fuck he wants, he isn't going to get it, I'm going to make sure of that.
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Embouteillage. [Sep. 29th, 2008|10:15 am]
[Current Mood |pensivepensive]
[Current Music |Hanayo & Jürgen Paape / The Jets - Joe Le Taxi / Crush On You [A Capella]]

I must have accidentally recorded some Schools programmes last week because I was just skipping through the TV hard-drive and found a programme about advertising.

Its all about branding, and was asking people if they could bring 3 brands to a meeting that would sum you up as a person, what would they be? Its actually really interesting seeing the difference between teenagers (Topshop, Coke, Nike, H&M) and adults (Marks & Spencer, Apple, Panasonic, Land Rover).

I started to think if there were three brands which could sum me up, naively I thought I wasn't really a brand orientated person, until I started looking around my bedroom, and then I had a list of 5 and had to stop:

1) Starbucks
2) Zara
3) MAC
4) French Connection
5) Ray Ban

I'm a brand whore.

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Gonna walk walk walk four more blocks, plus the one in my brain. [Sep. 24th, 2008|03:21 pm]
[Current Mood |enthralledenthralled]
[Current Music |Elliott Smith - Needle In The Hay]

Project Runway is probably the most addictive thing ever invented.
I would kill to be good enough at all that sewing and designing shiz as those guys, however! Julien MacDonald is probably one of the biggest bitches going (as adorably Welsh a boyo that he is), and if he said to me 'Your ego is almost as big as your body.' I would probably sever my jugular with a pair of pattern cutting scissors.
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Its a real shame you got hacked by the whores. Its a real shame that kid probably aint yours. [Sep. 22nd, 2008|11:44 am]
[Tags|, ]
[Current Mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[Current Music |Dizzee Rascal - I Luv U]

I think theres a link or something missing somewhere in my brain.
After looking at my online bank account following a rather expensive weekend (which actually probably could have been worse, if I'm honest), and saying 'Ugh shit' in my outside-voice, I find myself proceeding to HMV.com and adding to my basket:

Ashlee Simpson - 'Autobiography'

Fergie - 'The Dutchess'

Paramore - 'Riot'

MGMT - 'Oracular Spectacular'

Annie - 'Anniemal'

Lil Kim - 'Notorious Kim'

Lethal Bizzle - 'Back to Bizznizz'

If I'm not going to stop spending money, I need to at least stop spending it on shit.
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I used to do a little but a little wouldn't do and so the little got more and more. [Sep. 18th, 2008|11:14 pm]
[Current Mood |ditzyditzy]
[Current Music |Guns n Roses - Mr Brownstone]

You know whats awesome? Figs. For 19p. FIGS! 19p! What a joy.

You know whats not so hot? That I've fallen down the stairs three times in the last two days. Okay, thats not strictly true, I've fallen down them twice, and up them once. Once in heels, once with a cup of tea, once with a glass of water, all of which ended in swears of the most profound variety.

I've also had 'Mr Brownstone' in my head for a good 10 hours today. Both awesome and not so much at the same time.
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Bad taste in my mouth. You would think I'm a whore. [Sep. 13th, 2008|11:46 pm]
[Current Music |Glassjaw - Majour]

So I decided that for the most part it's much easier to do most of my gym classes with no underwear on. It eliminates the element of energetic wedgies, extreme VPL and, lets be honest, if you're doing the class right you'll need to wash your sweat pants anyway.

Only today I noticed something. Maybe its just a kind of paranoia, secretly knowing that I didn't get completely dressed this morning and therefor aren't entirely decent, but people seemed to be giving me looks.
Perturbed looks.
It seemed completely subconscious, but its as if they know something about me isn't right.

Can people tell when you're going commando...?
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Why am I soft in the middle? The rest of my life is so hard. [Sep. 2nd, 2008|10:16 am]
[Current Mood |accomplishedaccomplished]
[Current Music |Paul Simon - You Can Call Me Al]

Oh heck, my body really has no idea what is going on right now.
I finally got round to joining a gym up here, as I felt as though I was beginning to resemble little else but gelatinous mass, and, though I do still manage to go out running a few times a week, the weather hasn't exactly made that easy, let alone enjoyable. Add to this the fact that jogging around a polluted, built up, hectic, outer London area lacks the same appeal as running along the sea front in Southsea, and you realise why I lacked motivation and struggling to drag myself out regularly.

In Portsmouth I was a member of a tiny, council run gym, which was built onto the side of a school badminton hall. Basic, but functional. And cheap. £20 a month? Yes please! But since moving back to London I found that the basic, functional, council run gyms here would cost me upwards of £50 a month, plus a hefty joining fee. I know this doesn't sound like an awful lot for a gym membership, but these gyms aren't exactly luxurious, and I knew that it would be a matter of weeks before I gave up visiting. Also the closest of these would either be a train/bus journey away, or a 45 minute stroll through the roughest council estate in the area, so I could already feel my enthusiasm waning.

So I joined Esporta! Which, yes, is expensive, but it is also incredible, within 10 minutes walking distance, has an atmosphere which resembles nothing less than a little slice of Nirvana in suburban London, has an amazing array of classes and facilities, and, as if this isn't enough, they now serve Starbucks coffee in the lounge area! Sigh.

The only problem is that my personal trainer lady, as it was her first day yesterday and who, being her first client, worked me so hard I am now struggling to move without every inch of my body screaming in pain. Good pain. Good pain, which means I must have worked hard. But pain, none the less.

I also told her I would try to be in at least four times a week, to which she replied 'I have your mobile number, I'll make sure that happens.'

Oh Lord.
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