Is it wrong to enjoy maddening our kid this much? Parenting is tough work, people. We must find our fun where we can.
We wake up on this chilly Sunday morning to discover that we're all out of Jeremiah's favorite cereal, and Pär agrees to run to the store and bring some home.
J: Just make sure to get Honey Bunches of Oats.
P: Got it. Honey Bunches of Goats.
J: No! Oats!
P: Oh, Oats
. Okay. What if they only have Honey Bunches of Goats?
J: Only buy Honey Bunches of Oats! Not Honey Bunches of Goats!
P: Goats might be cute, and yummy. In little honeyed clusters? Mmmm.
J: Only Oats!
Five minutes later:
P: So I'm ready to go out now, to get your Honey Bunches of Goats.
J: No! Honey Bunches of Oats! (exasperated sigh) Do I have to write it down for you?
P: I think so.
J: Fine, you've driven me to do this.
He returns a minute later with a piece of paper and hands it to Pär.
J: There. Now if you get confused, read this and it will remind you what to do.
P: (reading paper) Honey Bunches of -- oh, I see you accidentally left off the "G". I'll just write that in.
J: NOOOOOOOOO!!!! It's supposed
to be Oats!
P: Really? You don't want Goats in your Honey Bunches?
J: No! Oats! Oats! Oats! "X" on Goats, "check" on Oats!
P: So X would be marking the one you want?
J: I -- wait -- no, X means no. Check means yes.
P: What if the goats eat the check?
J: Then write in another check next to "oats". Keep writing in more checks next to "oats".
P: What if the goats ate the oats? Then I could bring home the goats, and inside them, they would contain some really gross bunches of oats.
J: NO GOATS. ONLY OATS.
P: So you want Honey Bunches of Oats.
J: Yes. Remember to read the paper if you're confused.
Jeremiah comes into the bedroom, leans on the bed, rolls his eyes to the ceiling.
J: I hope I've finally
given him enough information.
K: I should think so.
J: They probably don't even make Honey Bunches of Goats.
K: You never know. And Daddy does get confused sometimes.
J: Yes, it's best to be sure.
We hear Pär call upstairs as he's opening the front door.
P: Okay, I'm off to get some Honey Bunches of Goats!
He goes pounding down the stairs to confront his father.
are you going to get?
P: Honey Bunches of --
J: Yes. Honey Bunches of Goats. Gah -- I MEAN OATS! I MEAN OATS!
P: Oats, huh? You sure that's what you want?
J: Yes, Oats! And only Oats!
P: Honey Bunches of Oats.
J: YES. HONEY! BUNCHES! OF! OATS!
P: Okay. I'll be back soon, and we'll see what I bring home.
J: It had better be Honey Bunches of Oats!
Ten minutes later, Pär returns home with a bag of groceries.
P: (wearily) I looked and looked, but I couldn't find any Honey Bunches of Goats. I was only able to find Honey Bunches of Oats.
J: I wanted Honey Bunches of Oats! You did the right thing.
P: Really? Oh, thank goodness.
We all sit down at the table. Pär starts pouring cereal.
P: Hey, do you know what oats are, Jeremiah?
P: See, when goats eat food, they absorb the "g" and all that's left over is oats. This cereal is what comes out of the goat. See? Like so. (He tips the cereal box over; bunches of oats cascade out into Jeremiah's bowl.)
Jeremiah takes a deep breath and shouts "BUH!" into Pär's face, at the top of his lungs. His skills at reprimand are well developed, if not always eloquent.
P: That's why it's so much cheaper than Honey Bunches of Goats.
J: BUH! BUH! BUH!
Pär is pouring milk now.
P: Hey Jeremiah, do you know what this is?
K: (smacking the table with a fist) Too far.
P: Hee hee!
K: Too far!
P: Enjoy your bowl of goat poo!
J: If you say poo again, I will say BUH to you eighty times!
P: Oh no!
K: You are the Knight Who Says BUH.
Jeremiah is fishing a soggy, burnt-looking flake out of his cereal.
J: Ew. What's that?
P: Must be a goat.
J: I don't like goats in my cereal. (Flicks the burnt piece onto his napkin.)
P: Good thing we got Honey Bunches of Oats instead, then.
Jeremiah nods and begins to eat, pausing only to remark, quietly and contentedly, "Buh."