April 25th, 2005

perfect as im ever gonna be

emotional blabber..

i was talking to my brother today, and we were talking about everything we've been through.. ive noticed SIGNIFICANTLY how much stronger it made my brother, but NEVER really considered my own strength, ive always doubted it, and HOPED to be stronger than i was. ive noticed ive underestimated myself, and it made me weak. i think im stronger more than i ever was, and i think to some extent its good to have a tough interior.

there's so many reasons why i dont talk ABOUT my mom, its almost like she's a fictional character. i love her, but i barely know who she is. i know she was somewhat crazy in a party sense, my dad tried to settle her down, she refused. yes, most of you know my dad was an alcoholic, its not for pity because i never look at being affected, his love for me has ALWAYS been given, there has NEVER been a time it hasn't been. it makes me mad when my mom dogs on my dad, because my dad will ALWAYS defend my mom. it sucks, i love him & i feel like when i cry im crying for all the tears he's meant to cry. i got so mad at first at God for why he took my grandpa away from him, he needed him. usually when i talk about my dad, its with A LOT of emotion, or with tears. its like your fighting for somebody, fighting for their voice to matter. i love him more than ill ever love a person, and its because he is the most amazing person in my life, truly. i hope one day my mom can look my brother & i in the eye because she cant look in jeffs (rip), and tell us why she lied.

sorry deep...you can skip over. <3