January 1st, 2005

perfect as im ever gonna be

(no subject)

ive been pretty busy lately, hence the lack of update whoring usually going on, and then longer entries that use to invade your friends pages.
i bet most of you have enjoyed that part, however, i have a lot to say.. some of which will get said right now in a COMPLETE & TOTAL rush (sorry, everybody!).

ive been working, and hanging out with different people.. its been fun, sometimes.. lol. my uncle FINALLY hooked my cable up in my room because i couldnt do it myself, and so now i can lay & relax in there & watch mtv, or whatever. comforting, really.

im in a point in my life where i deserve to be treated better, but when i try to move on, i feel like shit & chicken out. thus making me BELIEVE i need someone. i want trust, happiness, someone to STOP adding drama in my life. ive turned into an ugly person over it, and before i was doing pretty good. i get lied to, and i take it out on the WRONG people. its not about being paranoid, its knowing that when someone is looking in your eyes, deep down you can feel their lies. it leads you to this UNBELIEVABLE sense of pain, and you wonder.. how far those lies really go. the truth is you dont even want to know. thats when you KNOW you have to move on. i make excuses for him, but the truth is he cant buy off his love. the few GOOD things he has done doesnt make up for the past or the things hes done to me NOW. im only lying to myself if i think this LOVE is going to last, and its like.. 3 years.. :/ i CONSTANTLY wonder god's plan & how happy i will be in the end, how many times will i have to get back up knowing how far ive fallen. i always fall, but lately, ive learned not too care. you just end up developing thicker skin & is time goes on.. you realize you can do MORE than what people believe you can do.

i know theres a lot in my life i need to change, and beginning in 2005 will determine how i spend this WHOLE year.

i dont deserve to be treated like crap, and me staying is giving me that. and if you dont move on through the shit, it IS what you deserve after-all. with that said, i hope A LOT of you make better choices than youve made in the past & happy new years! :) ♥