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Tue, Aug. 2nd, 2005, 09:45 pm

I haven't engaged in any disordered eating at all in the past two days. No scale either which is insane because I used to weigh myself like eight times a day when I could. I'm having a huge problem with eating though. I had supper and was freaking out cause I just ate it. Crying at work too because of food and stupidity...gah.

I'm going to overcome this.... This too shall pass etc!!!

I'm stronger than this and it will be OK. I'm starting to think it might be harder to do this on my own though. It took me this long to get here from FEBRUARY when I decided I wanted to recover for good. So yeah. Help might...help.

Staying positive always!!!!

Tue, Jul. 26th, 2005, 09:41 pm
ok yay

Wow I'm doing a whole lot better than before. I still have disordered habits but I'm at a normal weight and keeping it steady. I had to cut back on exercise which really blows but it's just more reason to get better and better and bigger etc.

Drinking parsley tea like madness. I think the fact that it doesn't even taste bad to me should say a lot about how I don't associate food with pleasure because of this stupidity. Time to change that too!!! I hope this stuff does what everyone says it does...

I'm doing this on my own and that makes me pretty proud too. Yay positivity.

Mon, Jul. 4th, 2005, 10:32 pm

i would pay fucking anything to have access to a drug that could make me feel the way anorexia did.

Sun, Jun. 26th, 2005, 09:48 am

I don't think I've ever felt this alone in my life. I just figured I'd write this here to know that it's my lowest point ever. Even when I was consuming 200 calories in a day I felt better than I do right now. Back then it seemed like I had everything under control and because of that people were all around me. It's funny how people abandon you when you need them the most. Sometimes I just wish I would die. Oh man that sounds awful.

My body image is all distorted. I feel huge. My face and stomach look so fat but you can still see the bones of my spine and ribs. I hate this. Fuck eating disorders. I wish I never started this shit. I just wish I could be normal.

Sun, Jun. 5th, 2005, 09:12 pm

I'm slipping back into restricting and I'm not 100% sure why. The family has been bothering me to gain weight again and I didn't even realize I was losing it until I found myself hoarding food I wouldn't eat. At one point I had smarties in a purse in my room among other hidden food. The obsession with food is getting worse because I'm perpetually hungry. My job leaves me a lot of time just to think and I realized that my ED has a lot to do with trust issues.

For one thing, I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself enough to know when to stop or when to start. I eat methodologically every 3-4 hours so my metabolism doesn't turn off, but I usually eat little at these points. I round up when I eat, adding ten, twenty, thirty, forty calories to everything. I don't subtract the calories I've burned. etc...

I also don't trust anyone enough to tell them I have an ED. I could elaborate on this but whatever... I'm tired & going to sleep.

Tue, Mar. 22nd, 2005, 10:59 pm

It's hard to believe I'm in recovery when I still have the thoughts. You know what I mean? Like last night I dreamt that I went in this house and it was a house where girls were sent to recover but they were all amazingly skinny. Like BMIs of 12 or something. And I was just so jealous. I keep just stuffing food in my mouth and reminding myself not to go throw it all up. I had oatmeal this morning and it was just like okay do NOT purge this. Which is weird cause I was never really mia, except when drunk & a few other exceptions.

I got my period today for the first time in 4 months. Ok well that's sort of a lie. I haven't really gotten it. Just a bit of spotting the whole day. It makes me want to fast so badly. The gym is impossible too. There's one obviously anorexic girl who goes all the time. She looked so happy and bony today. It made me die a little bit. The bones in my back are slowly fading away into gross fat. I don't know what to do.

I was so close, but to what? Death? My body was breaking apart at a BMI of 17. I just still sort of wish I made it to 120.

I might still... I guess. I don't know. Only time will tell.

Sun, Mar. 20th, 2005, 08:11 am

oh god. i feel like i just want to starve again. i wish i didn't. i wish i would genuinely WANT to be at a normal weight for my height. i need my period again, but i don't want it. i wish i could've been one of those girls who looks good when they have meat on their bones. i wish i didn't have a boyfriend who OBSESSES about fat content and "good" and "bad" foods. i just feel like so much is pushing me back to this.

please god, say the summer doesn't kill me.

Mon, Mar. 7th, 2005, 11:32 pm

I really do want to get better. I want to prioritize my life and put ME first. I'm not more when I'm less and I hope I can keep believing this. My eating patterns are still messed up but at least I'm recognizing it now, and not only that, I want to change it for the better.

I never ever thought I'd fall victim to this and have an eating disorder. Sometimes I still question whether I have one or not, but I fit the DSM criteria so I guess it's safe to say that I do. I'm working towards this because it's important. Health is important. Being all I can be means I shouldn't be underweight. I refuse to let this run my life anymore.

Wed, Mar. 2nd, 2005, 06:00 pm

I've been really trying to eat normally for a bit under a month now and I've gotten all the papers I had given in before break. These papers were ones I worked on eating more calories than usual, trying to recover and surprise surprise, I've done badly on all of them. So this is the lesson I've learned. Letting go of my ED=Me screwing up big time.

I feel so triggered right now. My eating habits have been severely messed up lately and this is just going to make it worse. I clearly am not a better person when I eat, but why? It's not fair. I just want to be normal.

Wed, Feb. 23rd, 2005, 11:37 pm

Nothing's ever going to be the way it was. This has really messed up a lot. I keep thinking I'm going to get a lot worse when I go back to school, and I'm really thinking this is unavoidable now.

This is extremely scary.

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