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A girl of consequence [userpic]

blaaahhh

October 19th, 2012 (10:37 pm)

does anyone even read this anymore?

A girl of consequence [userpic]

(no subject)

September 6th, 2012 (09:20 pm)

My heart is heavy tonight. My dad was over today and I could see how much his lymph nodes have swollen in the past few days. The tiny veins in his face were accentuated by the swelling. It breaks my heart. He starts his chemo next week. It's going to be the bad stuff that makes him really sick and lose all of his hair. I don't want my kids to have to experience that again. Haydn is old enough now to be more affected by it. He has such a kind and loving heart. It's going to hurt him the most when my dad dies. I'm just praying praying praying that my dad doesn't get cancer again after the chemo. But I already know in the depths of my soul that this cancer will be the end of him. My goal is for him to know how very much I love and appreciate him, and for my kids to enjoy their time with him as much as possible. I am fearful though..I fear that the chemo is going to make him so sick that we won't get to do those things.
Sad sad sad. I'm trying to stay positive, but it's so damn hard.

A girl of consequence [userpic]

My dad

August 23rd, 2012 (09:15 am)

My dad found out yesterday that his cancer has returned. He has mantle cell non-hodgkins lymphoma. I don't really know what all of those words mean, other than it's a really aggressive type of lymphoma. It's hard to get rid of, it's hard to make it stay away. He was originally diagnosed with it in December of 2009. I was pregnant with the twins. My mom was on the verge of leaving my dad. I was on the verge of not caring if I talked to my dad anymore or not. Cancer made our family grow closer. When he was diagnosed with lymphoma, it was determined to be stage 4. That's the worst stage. There is no stage 5. The next stage is death. He had cancer in every single lymphnode in his body and he was really sick from it. He had to go through extensive chemotherapy. Every month for 6 months, he would have to stay in the hospital for 1-2 weeks for his treatments. At the end of the 6 months, he had a bone marrow transplant. He had to go to Gainesville for that and was in the hospital for a little over a month. He was really weak and really sick. The chemo drugs did crazy things to him. One day he poured himself a glass of cold milk, but when he drank it, it felt warm. He had really bad nightmares. Things didn't taste right. His fine, red hair grew back thick and black for a while. The bone marrow transplant was supposed to help the cancer stay away for 3-8 years longer than if he didn't have the transplant. After a few months, he started feeling better and could do more. We were getting optimistic about it. He had the transplant done on June 17 and he said that was his new birthday. He had PET scans done every three months to keep an eye out for cancer. After a year of clear results, they started doing them every six months. In June of last year, before his new birthday, he was again diagnosed with cancer. He didn't get to celebrate his 2nd new birthday. His treatments weren't like the first time. He would go to the infusion center and get his chemo during the day a couple times a week. He had bad reactions to the drugs and had to be given lots of steroids and benedryl so that he could get all of the chemo. After a few months, he had another PET scan and all of the cancer was gone. This round of chemo wasn't as devastating on his body so he started feeling better sooner. PET scans returned to every three months. Three months ago, his PET scan was normal. This week, he has cancer in his face, neck and groin. He's going to have a bone marrow biopsy next week to find out just how bad it is so they can start treatments.
This time I'm more sad than any other times. I've grown closer to my dad. My kids have grown closer to my dad. All I can think about is how there is probably going to be less time between each bout of cancer. That next time, it probably won't even be a year before he gets it again. And my kids are going to have to watch him die. He's eventually going to get where he can't play with them. He can't teach the boys how to play in the woods or shoot bb guns anymore, or what kind of tracks they found by the creek. I know we will cherish the time we have together. The good thing about the cancer is that it made us closer, it made us appreciate each other, it gave us this time to cherish together. We were so close to not having that anymore. And in the end, I know that is better than him dying before we're ready. I know that the sadness my kids will feel will be because they were given the opportunity to love him. I know eventually the sadness will turn into a bright spot in their hearts where they will keep the good memories of my dad.

A girl of consequence [userpic]

(no subject)

June 8th, 2012 (12:43 pm)

I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore, but I feel like I need to get things off my chest. My Maw Maw just died a few days ago. I'm taking it a lot harder than I thought I would. We were pretty close. And as I think about it, I realize she is the first person I've actually been close to that's died. I've been sad about other family members dying, but mostly I was sad that I didn't know them better, or glad they weren't suffering anymore, or sad for others who were close to them. Maw Maw is the first person that I'm sad about because I MISS her. I'm sad for all of the hugs I can't give her, all hugs she can't give my kids, all the holidays I can't spend at her house anymore. And mostly, I'm sad because of all the people in the world, she's the person who deserved to have a peaceful death. She deserved to die peacefully in her sleep next to her husband of 68 years.
Before she died, I was sad about a lot of things with her. She had dementia and things just weren't the same after that. I was already sad about all the things I was missing with her because of the dementia. Then she got sick a couple months ago, and I was sad about that. She had liver problems and cancer in her bile duct. I saw her a week before she died and she looked pretty bad. She wasn't eating well and couldn't sit up very long. She was happy to see me though. I took Haydn and Margaret to see her. Margaret always made her happy, especially since I named her after Maw Maw. After that day, she started going downhill even faster. They finally moved her to the same nursing home as my grandfather who she hadn't seen in a month. She was obviously depressed about being away from him and I wonder if that contributed to her rapid deterioration. I was happy she was being moved there with him, but that was short lived because they still weren't letting him see her. They thought he wouldn't be able to handle seeing her the way she was. He has Alzheimer's. Every day I expressed my concern that they weren't seeing each other. I felt like my Maw Maw was also dying of a broken heart. I went to see her again the day before she died and she was obviously not far from death. My mom and uncles were keeping a constant vigil over her and they said she could hear people even though she appeared to be sleeping. I spoke to her a little through my tears. It was so hard to see her like that. She didn't look peaceful, she looked tortured. I know she was in a lot of pain and struggling to stay alive. She started moaning while I was with her and she didn't make out any specific words, but to me it sounded like she was trying to say "Allen" which is my Paw Paw's name. I left there sadder than ever. My Maw Maw had a bad night after that. In the morning the nurse asked my uncle if there was a family member from out of town she might be waiting to see because the nurse felt like she was holding on to life for someone. My uncle told her about not seeing Paw Paw for at least a month and the nurse said she thought Maw Maw should see him. Finally they took Paw Paw in to see her, and my mom said it was heart breaking to see him in there. He was talking to her and touching her and trying to feel every inch of her body, like he couldn't believe it was her. Maw Maw acted like she knew he was there, and then she died. He wasn't even in there 15 minutes. By that evening, he'd already forgotten that she died. He thinks she's out picking flowers. I'm so sad about all of it. And I cry like 15 times a day. I torture myself even more by smelling some doilies she gave me that still smell like her. I just hold them to my face and breathe through them and cry and cry and cry. I'm glad for her that she isn't in anymore pain. But it's still hard. It's the hardest thing I've had to deal with. I had a bad night last night, thinking of her and dreaming of her. I keep having these terrible thoughts because I didn't get to see them lower her coffin into the ground. Apparently they don't do that in front of people anymore. And I get these stupid ideas in my head that they did bad things with her body instead of burying her in her coffin.
I can't stand it. I need some relief from my misery.

A girl of consequence [userpic]

(no subject)

November 10th, 2009 (10:33 am)

So, here I am again. It hasn't been a year since my last post, so I'm making progress!
Nothing new really ever happens. Not in the sense of "oh hey, I just bought a car, or a house, or a dog!" But with four children, new things ARE happening every day. Tristan will be two in January and he is the one in learning overdrive right now. He is constantly learning new words, new meanings of words, colors, shapes and concepts of things. This is my favorite age because they are like a sponge! It's so much fun to watch their knowledge expand so quickly. Tristan gets so excited when he learns new things and puts them to use. He's been letting me know when he has to pee. He runs to the bathroom door and starts yelling "Peepee Peepee!!!" then he takes off his pants and diaper. Every time he's on the toilet he calls Haydn. It's really cute, he can't say his name right. It sounds like HAYHnnnnnnn. The second part is all nasal. hahaha Then he says "mere! mere!" (come here) He's so proud of himself for using the bathroom. He also has started trying to help people do things. He likes to take things to Haydn, or give me things to put up. He even likes to grab a napkin and wipe our faces! 
Haydn is going through some jealousy issues. He doesn't feel like he's getting enough attention with the new babies, so he is really trying us. He will deliberately do things we tell him not to do, just so we will pay him attention. This is bad, he's seeking negative attention in place of positive attention. So I am making a huge effort to give him more of the attention he needs, and to let him know that he is still important and special. I need to make sure that sometimes I put him first before the babies. I feel really bad that this happened. But it has been a hard adjustment to go from a mother of 2 to being a mother of 4. I'm still not fully adjusted, (obviously, if I can't give Haydn the attention he needs). I am trying really hard, and it gets a little easier every day.
Joey helps me out a lot. This is new to me, having a man around to help with babies. I like it, and I understand why it's so important for kids to have two parents present in their house.
The babies are getting bigger every day. They're starting to be more aware of their surroundings, and they're making noises. They're sleeping in longer stretches at night. It won't be long before they are sleeping all night! It's weird to experience a boy and a girl at the same time. Their demeanor is different. Margaret is more laid back and at peace with her surroundings. Montgomery wants to be held and comforted. He would be happy in my arms all day, and Margaret would be happy sitting next to me. She only cries when she's hungry or has a dirty diaper. My mom said that I was like that as a baby. Montgomery doesn't cry all the time, but he definitely cries for more reasons than Margaret. Overall, they are both good babies. I can tell Margaret is an old soul by looking at her eyes. They are so beautiful. She is going to break hearts with those eyes.
I'm still amazed at the fact that I created TWO babies at the same time. The miracle of life is a wondrous thing to me. I consider myself blessed to be able to experience it in such a capacity. My heart holds more love than I ever imagined it could.

A girl of consequence [userpic]

I'm still around

September 22nd, 2009 (10:22 pm)
tired

current mood: tired

Well, I haven't posted anything in a year. Lots has been going on, so I guess I'll update. Plus, everybody else is doing, I might as well do it too!
So, this time last year Joey and I were talking about him moving in and us getting married.
I had moved into a tiny little house with my two boys and was happy to finally be living my own life. I had a good job and was being successful as a single mother of two. But I longed for more in my life--male companionship and a father for my children. So, I did the most logical thing I could think of. I got back together with Joey. Despite all of our differences, and all of the shit that we went through, I still loved him and he still loved me. I know a lot of people didn't think much of him before, but he grew up a lot, plus I didn't care anymore what people thought. Also, he was willing to raise and love Tristan as his own child.
Anyway, he moved in during the first part of October, and we got married on Halloween. It's been difficult getting used to each other again, and even more difficult for me to get used to him disciplining my children. But we're making it work and I don't regret getting married. Getting married has given us a special bond. I know in my heart that no matter what happens, we will always have each other. That is the best part of being married.
Moving along...
I lost my job in December and I didn't find another job until February, and that one only lasted three weeks.
We had discussed having more children in the future, possibly trying to get pregnant when Tristan was 2 or 3 years old, and that one more would probably be ideal. But wouldn't you know it, Fate decided that now was an even better time and that two was better than one! I found out in January that I was pregnant. When I went in for an ultrasound in February, I found out I was pregnant with twins! We were both shocked initially, then excited. Everyone was surprised. Since daycare was so expensive and the job market was horrible, we decided that it would be best to be a stay at home mom and  just take the boys out of daycare while  I was pregnant.
So, we were living in a very small house and realized that it was already crowded with the four of us. We looked for another house for ages until we found the one that we're living in now. The house market was also horrible. Anything that was within our price range was gone by the time we called about it, or in a really bad part of town, so we  had to settle for a house that is less than ideal. Luckily we are only renting so we aren't stuck here for any real length of time.
Sometimes I really miss our little house. It was so tiny, but it was cozy, and our first house together. We also got married in the back yard! Lots of good memories there.
About being pregnant...
This was by far the worst of my three pregnancies. Even though it was the worst, I say that lightly because there are people who suffer much more than I during their pregnancies. I didn't have any complications, only great discomfort. I was very moody and irritable. I blame my pregnancy on the reason it has been so difficult for Joey and I to get used to each other. I was too moody and unwilling to compromise on most situations. Pregnancy is a hard journey for the beginning of a relationship.
So really, a lot hasn't been going on from then until now. I was just trying to get by one day at a time. Joey was working 60-70 hours a week to make enough money for us. I tried to be a good mommy for my boys, but it got harder every day. I got more and more uncomfortable, and more tired, and oh my god was I hot. I could walk across the room and be out of breath and need to sit down to rest. That's how bad it was. I eventually got put on moderate bed rest, and then I could do even less! My feet and legs were swollen so bad; I could press on my foot and it would leave an indention for several minutes.
I felt like I would be pregnant forever! Today is actually my due date, but twins generally come early because they run out of room. I had them on August 27th. I was really hoping that both babies would have their heads down so that I could try for a vaginal birth, but they were stubborn and stayed breech the whole time. When I was almost 36 weeks pregnant, I had an amniocentesis to see if the babies lungs were fully developed so that I could schedule a c-section. My doctors didn't want me going into labor with breech twins because I would have been having an "emergency" c-section if that happened. After the results came back, the c-section was scheduled for the 27th and 11 am. I had a girl and a boy at 12:04 and 12:06pm. Their names are Margaret Grace (named after my grandmother and her mother) and Montgomery Elliot (not named after anyone, and no, not named after the city either!) They both weighed 7lbs 10oz. Everyone in the hospital was amazed at how big they were, and kept saying that they were used to seeing tiny twins--4 or 5 pounds each.
I'm not going into full details right now, but having a c-section was the worst thing ever.
In two days, the twins will be four weeks old. I'm still getting used to having four children, but having them is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I love them more than anything and I know they are my reason for being here. They have given my life a fulfillment that nothing else can even compare to. I cherish each day that I have with them. They have changed my life in so many ways.
I look back at the kind of person I used to be and wonder how I could be so lucky now. I know what other people must have thought about me. I really didn't have much self respect, if any at times. And that is a major thing that having children has given me. A little self respect can go a long way.
So that brings us current with my life! Getting married and having babies. I could have summed it up in one sentence!

I forgot to write about my dad. He was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins mantle cell lymphoma in December. That's leukemia for you lamens. The cancer was in all of his lymph nodes and was stage 4 (the worst). He started chemotherapy the day after they told him that. He went in for treatments monthly, for a week at a time. After 6 months of that, he had a bone marrow transplant and now he is in remission. The bone marrow transplant is supposed to keep the cancer in remission for 8-11 years. It was a rough process, but I'm glad that my dad is alright now. He is still recovering from his transplant. It left his body and his immune system very weak. I appreciate my dad more and we are closer now, but I'm not proud that it took my dad almost dying for that to happen.

A girl of consequence [userpic]

woot

October 5th, 2008 (01:31 pm)
cheerful

current mood: cheerful

so, here i am again!
joey came to visit. we've been talking a lot. a LOT. and, well, he's moving down here and we're going to get married. we've both grown up and had a long time to figure things out and he's a lot different now. he's still goofy and crazy, but he's also a lot more mature and responsible. i've fallen in love with him again, and this time i don't care what anyone thinks. i know we will be happy and he will be a great father. we're getting married on halloween. THIS halloween. it's just going to be the legal process, you know, go to the court and get legally married. then next year on halloween we will have the ceremony and the reception. we were going to just wait until next year all together, but we don't want to wait that long, especially since he will be living with us. and we didn't want to do the whole thing this halloween because we won't have enough time or money to have the wedding that we want. so that's what we're doing.
haydn really loves joey. they had a great time together and haydn is really excited about him living with us. i think everything is going to be great and i'm really excited. :D

A girl of consequence [userpic]

(no subject)

March 24th, 2008 (04:01 pm)

 everything is alright now.

A girl of consequence [userpic]

(no subject)

March 23rd, 2008 (05:54 pm)
irritated

current mood: irritated

 so i finally decide to be his girlfriend after he asked me about a hundred times. now he won't really talk to me. wtf? i don't get it. i didn't do anything differently than i did before i said i'd be his girlfriend.
maybe the thrill of the chase is gone. 
i haven't invested a lot of emotion in the situation because, honestly, i won't let myself. i just HATE it when people do crap like this. don't ignore me, don't lie to me. just give it to me straight up and i'll be FINE.

A girl of consequence [userpic]

(no subject)

March 15th, 2008 (10:02 am)
accomplished

current mood: accomplished

 for those of you who care, i win.
i get another point for me because i told my prospective boyfriend that i don't like the way he kisses and what i didn't like about it. and guess what. now he kisses better.

A girl of consequence [userpic]

(no subject)

March 9th, 2008 (11:04 pm)

GiveMeALLYourRed (10:57:22 PM): i think we should see how things go before we make a commitment


score one for me!

A girl of consequence [userpic]

it's me again!

March 4th, 2008 (08:58 am)
tired

current mood: tired

my poor mother...she has such bad luck with her car. in the course of a week she's had to get new brakes, all the water blew out of her radiator and it was clogged somewhere, and today all of her oil blew out of the engine and the oil pressure is low so she has to get the dealer to fix it. my mom always has bad luck with cars. i blame it on my dad because whenever she tells him something is wrong, he won't check it for her. and when she says she's going to take it somewhere, he talks her out of it.

but in happier news, my dad FINALLY started cleaning up the yard this weekend. he comes in telling us what all he did like we should be proud of him. i'm not proud of him. there are trees that have been down for three and a half years! there are burnt trees down from a fire HE built and HE didn't put out properly. those trees have been down for at least 6 months. but now he's going to burn all of the massive amounts of crap that he's cutting up and he still hasn't paid his fine from the last fire. my dad is a real winner.

Tristan is still sick and i'm getting worried about him. it was just a cold, so i wasn't worried at first. but now his sinus congestion is gone and he coughs really bad. he coughed so much the other night that it made him throw up. i called the doctor and they'll tell me if i need to bring him back in. i have to go to webmd.com and look up whooping cough because i'm paranoid about things and i need to see if he has the symptoms of that. i'm kind of a hypochondriac for me AND my kids. if i ever hear about some sickness or disease, chances are i'm going to get paranoid and think one of us has it if we have one symptom of it. i probably shouldn't watch shows like House. it doesn't help.

i love you guys. well, some of you.
xoxo

A girl of consequence [userpic]

(no subject)

February 16th, 2008 (11:57 am)

here's a picture of Tristan and Haydn.

A girl of consequence [userpic]

baby update

February 14th, 2008 (11:16 am)
okay

current mood: okay

for those of you who haven't heard yet, i had my baby on January 30th at 8:47 pm after about 15 grueling hours of labor. He was 9 lbs, 5.7 oz. and 22 inches long. less than an ounce smaller than Haydn was and the exact same length. His name is Tristan Blake Johnson and he's freaking adorable. Haydn loves him and is really sweet to him. It's a little hectic taking care of a newborn and a rebellious 3 year old, but it's not too bad. I am incredibly grateful that Haydn is 3 and not 2 or 1. then it really would be crazy. Haydn can pretty much take care of himself with my direction. I'm really glad he's potty trained. I can't imagine having a newborn and another child that I'd still have to feed and change and hold all the time.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not just throwing Haydn to the wolves. I'm giving him lots of attention and affection so that he doesn't feel left out or jealous. He's been doing really well with the whole jealousy factor.
oh yeah, I'm 3 lbs shy of my pre-pregnancy weight. haha, bitches!

P.S. Happy Valentine's Day.

A girl of consequence [userpic]

(no subject)

December 25th, 2007 (04:26 pm)
hungry

current mood: hungry

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope everyone is having a great day. I wish I had a bigger family to celebrate with. It's just been me, Haydn and my parents since 10:30 this morning. My brother and his wife spent the night, then left to go to her family's house. Holidays are never as exciting as I want them to be. I just want more people to be with. I want to cook big meals and play games and sit around drinking coffee or hot chocolate all day, enjoying each other's company. It's never like that though. my mom has been sleeping all day because her back hurts and she's taking muscle  relaxers which makes her sleepy. My dad is alternately being an idiot and running into his room to make phone calls on his cell phone. Haydn has been playing non-stop ALL DAY. he got way too much stuff and I have no idea where we're going to put it. I'm just glad he's having a good time. I got  him one of those  tricycles that everyone used to call Big Wheels. he's slightly too small for it and can't push the pedals good enough to make him go. he was scooting around on it and having a good time like that. Hopefully he'll still be interested in it when he gets big enough for it. He got a bunch of cars, like matchbox cars, but from the movie Cars. And he got three different spider mans. He keeps switching between the two things, then randomly playing with some other things that he got. he hasn't even had a nap.
we're having lasagne for dinner. it's going to be sooooo gooooood. yumm.
oooh, i got stand mixer, like a kitchen aid. but NOT a kitchen aid because they're EXPENSIVE. i'm excited! now i can make all kinds of crap. I really want to decorate cakes while I'm on maternity leave for extra cash. The mixer will really help with the frosting.
well, i've decided on a name. I even have one for a girl in case the testicles they saw turn out to be vagina parts or something.
i only have a month to go. a month! aaaaahhhhhhh!
i'm hungry AND i have heart burn. it's a great combination. srsly.
i hope this kid has lots of hair. everyone at work who's had heartburn will come to me asking for tums or something. i tell them i don't have any because i haven't had any heartburn and they're surprised. What?! a pregnant lady who doesn't have heartburn?! wtf?! well, now i have it. every day. it's GREAT. they effing jinxed me. but the old wives tale is that the more heart burn  you have, the more hair the baby will have. i hope it has a lot because this heartburn is BAD. the other day i leaned over to pick something up and bile came into my mouth! yuck! i didn't even lean over far, and i hadn't eaten in hours!!!
being pregnant is disgusting.
i hope you all love reading these kinds of things!

xoxox

A girl of consequence [userpic]

(no subject)

December 6th, 2007 (08:14 pm)
tired

current mood: tired

i had my ultrasound today. the baby is definately a boy.
josh was slightly irritating there, but not too bad.
then we went to target so we could pick out some baby stuff. and then he kept it.
i don't think he understands that he's not keeping the baby. i don't trust him with a baby and he lives with three idiots who smoke, drink and do drugs. i'm not even TAKING the baby over there. i don't know where he expects to spend time with the baby at, but it will NOT be at his house. and i've told him this. so i don't understand why he doesn't understand.
we've discussed that he will see the baby on days that he's off that are pre-arranged, and that i don't want the baby over there, and that he won't be keeping it for a while until i feel comfortable with him doing so.
but he's so g.d. delusional there's no telling what he got out of that conversation.
i really don't know how to deal with this whole situation. it's driving me crazy.
i think i need professional, unbiased help.

anyway, it's a boy and everything looks good. he's in the 59th percentile for size  which is only a bit above average. i'm glad i found that out because last month he was 82nd percentile and i was afraid of having another huge baby. he weighs a little over four pounds right now. i got to see his chubby little cheeks.
come on with the names now!

A girl of consequence [userpic]

i call upon the forces of livejournal!

December 3rd, 2007 (06:17 pm)

so, i'm having a dreadful time picking out names that i like for the baby. the only name i really like for a boy right now is Julian. and the only name i really like for a girl is Margaret (it's my grandmother's name). but i don't think i LOVE the names. i would love all of you if you would suggest a boy and a girl name! come on, it will be fun! i need some ideas and inspiration to get my baby naming gears moving. i don't want something too plain, trendy or unique. i like older sounding names for girls. for boys, i like names that aren't too common but are good and strong.
so have fun! i NEED you!!!!

A girl of consequence [userpic]

somebody call the wambulance, i'm doing it again!

November 30th, 2007 (06:27 pm)
blah

current mood: blah

i'm 32 weeks pregnant and i don't think it's really sunk in yet that i'm going to have another child. it's hard to think about for some reason. maybe that's the result of not really telling anyone or talking about it for so long. the mother of a high school friend called last night and talked to my mom for a while. she told her that i'm pregnant and they talked about my situation a little bit and the woman said she didn't know whether to say congratulations or not. my mom told her that i was happy about it and she's happy about it and looking forward to having another grandchild. i just kind of looked at her and wondered why she said i was happy about it. am i happy about it? i don't even know. i am continuously amazed at the process of creating a new life. and i know i will love this baby. i just don't know if i'm happy you know? i feel bad about it sometimes. i'm just so worried about josh that i forget to be happy. and i'm so worried about how i'm going to deal with everything financially. then there's the whole house situation. i live in a shit trailer in the middle of no where. i think i have officially reached the status of white trash. i live in a run down trailer on a run down piece of land with my parents, i'm a single mother with kids from different fathers, i work at a fast food restaurant, i dropped out of college. i feel like crap about myself. i want to change my life but i can't. i'm broke.
my baby shower is sunday. i'm trying to be excited about it. i got a cute new shirt to wear. i think it's the first maternity shirt i've actually bought. when i was pregnant with haydn, i wore hand-me-downs and big shirts and shirts that my mom made. i've been wearing the same things with this pregnancy. so i'm excited! one new shirt! woohooooo!
ok, that's over-exaggerated a bit.
i have an ultrasound next thursday and josh wants to come. i know he's going to make it a bad experience because he talks too much. hopefully i'll be able to get a good shot of the baby's gender so maybe i can finally decide on a name.
all these pregnancy hormones are really getting to me. haydn has started this weird whining thing. it's kind of like he's yelling and whining at the same time and it makes me so mad. i think it's an attention thing because he does it over stupid things and nothing makes him stop. i hate getting so mad at him. it makes me feel like crap. i try to control it but it's like my blood just starts BOILING. i've never been like that with him before. but it's not just with him. i get mad at EVERYTHING. but i really only hate getting mad at haydn. i mean, i hate getting so mad at everything, but getting mad at haydn makes me feel like complete trash and it makes me cry a lot.
anyway.
i never have anything good to say anymore.
i miss people. i wish you would call me or email me or come see me.
oh yeah! i'm now the proud mother of a potty trained two year old! woooooo!
now if i can just get him to sleep in his own bed all night...

xoxoxo

A girl of consequence [userpic]

(no subject)

November 6th, 2007 (08:26 pm)
depressed

current mood: depressed

i am so irritated. Josh is making me mad and i never really talk to him. he told my mom that he wanted to name the baby and she told him no, that the mother does that. blah blah blah. i called him after my ultrasound to tell him the sex of the baby and he said he'd like to help name the baby but that i'm the one carrying it so he understands he doesn't have much say in it. anyway, i told him i'd make sure he likes the name that i pick out. i NEVER said he could help name the baby. i guess it would be different if the situation were different. but since the man sickens me and i don't even want to be in the same room as him, i really don't want his input on anything. but i'm TRYING to be agreeable, at least a little. so, he said that he wanted to give the baby a biblical name, since that's how his parents named their kids. let me tell you their names. Joshua, Christopher, Eric and Erin. yeah, REAL biblical.
anyway, he told my mom after our conversation that i said he could help name the baby! then he told her that he didn't want me to pick out anything like "Hezichai" (i have no idea how to even spell that properly) and that he liked names like paul or william. hm.....i thought he wanted a biblical name! what sense does any of that make!
today he told her that he wanted to name the baby matthew or michael.
i wish he would just go away.
he makes me sick.
i wish i could tell my mom why i broke up with him in the first place.
i wish i could tell him to forget i exist.
i wish my life were easier! or at least didn't involve pedophiles.
i just want to curl up in a little ball and cry myself to sleep. but then i'd just dream about josh and hate being asleep, too.
all this over him wanting to help name the baby.
hormones are my favorite.

A girl of consequence [userpic]

(no subject)

November 1st, 2007 (08:28 pm)

I went in for my ultrasound today and the woman said that it's a boy.
so yay! two boys!

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