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I'm writitng!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCKKKKKK let me tell you, i'll tell you every ting. I CANT SMOKE ANY POT because i have an interview. YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. IM LISTENING to skrillex as IF it will get me fucked up enpough to deal with the current situation. let me tell opu something. alchohol is never enough.. not anymore...... the truth is, i like psychedelics, and i havet smoked in OVER 1 MONTH, which is a lot for me. i mean, i smoke on weekends, and its like, whatever. no biggie, and for 1 month, its been like, OK, COOL> im not smokin. it's fine. WELL. now im sick of it. fuck all of you;. melatonin? or more skrillex >>>??????????



I can't fucking sleep. Ihate HATE that i can't ...... no one pays for MY concert tickets. Its stupid. I can hand out a fucking flyer, for gods sake. SOOOOOOO where's my free ride? Its bullshit. FUCKING CRAP. My friends get to go, so what if its 20, 40, 100 $$??????? but no, not me. im fucking broke, and my boyfriend and my closest girl friends get to go to this show all together, but not me. OK so im exaggerating. I dont really give SO much of a shit about aoki. but i didnt know id have this awful, lonely, desperate feeling tonight. yeah, i have to be up at 7:10 am, and the show is $40+ , and i don't REALLY care too much about aoki. But at the end of the day, my friends were going and I was in the sad, desperate mood and did not NOT NOT want to be alone. While everyone else was having fun. because lets face it, that show is gonna be FUN, or it was FUN... his set prob is ending nowish, or 10 min ago. BUT THe fact that im still awake is what is total bullshit. I was really fucking depressed when alex was getting all ready to go out, esp now that we LIVE together, and im just going to sit in our house alone all night??? and he was like WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? WHAT CAN I DO!? and i was like get me a freakin xanax. not because i take prescriptions , but because i was genuinely FREAKING out and though it was 730 I just wanted to go to sleep. I was so fucking upset and worked up. And he gave me a hydrocodone, which i took, assuming it would make some kind of pain stop and drop me off to sleep like an unconscious rock. BUT NO, i took it hoursssss ago and im still awake. and in between phases of distraction through reading or communicating with long lost friends online, ive been miserable. And getting more and more miserable. Esp because im still awake. If im still awake, i hsould be at the show. so recently i had a beer, we only had one beer left in the whole fridge. and theres a half drank bottle of white wine, so now im drinking that. some white wines do not agree with my stomach. i also ate a lot of pepper chips. but im still FUCKING awake. And they are still at this SHOW and its just not FUCKING FAIR. it does feel good to have this forum to just bitch and moan as hard as i can on. i can't help taking it out on alex, a little bit, because he left me here. and i hate that he can just GO to this show and that stupid excuse for a company pays for it. and it makes me hate my life. i dont want to be a teacher. i want someone for me to pay to go to shows.

i hate everything. i hate everyoen. i mostly hate myself. i have low vitamin d levels so perhaps thats why im depressed. but honestly i jsut dont understand why my friends like me. I feel so estranged from everyone. I feel like such a loser. and such a square. i hate that i cant just have fun whenever i want to, like everyone else seems to these days. i want to run away from it all. run away and live in costa rica and never feel like im missing out because ill live in the rainforest and just meditate with the trees and reach enlightenment so nothing else matters........ i dont need anyone. and on that note. I care about my fucking friends, li,e when they need me, or have a bad trip, or some kind of fear...... i am there trying to hepl them. 100% of the time. because i want them to always feel safe. SO how can these friends (its one person in particular) go out, after she's 100% built her confidence, and then flat refuse to take responsibily for anyone else !? Not for me, of course... i mean, i dont need taking care of, or at least i havent yet. but we have other friends, in our circle, and honestly just in the world. It IS your responsibility, if you are an experienced, confident, dare I say enlightened user of psychedelics to provide your friends with the same support that someone provided to YOU at your beginnings. Thats neither here nor there, thats another story entirely. I try to love, and i realize SO MANY TIMES OVER that if i just open up my heart and LOVE especially when it is the most difficult, it yeilds the greatest peace and the greatest reward, and all is calm and i rise above all the bullshit, because i open my arms and take everything and everyone in...... but sometimes its like i want to sink down to the veery bottom and i want to just see how fucking upset i can get. but i dont even cry.... even though i feel awful sadness and pain.... i just feel like i have the vacant expression.... and i wish i could cry. I feel liek im wrapped up in some cycle i dont like. Some friends that i love, obviously, but i want to make new friends too. its like im having the same experience over and over, and i dont feel like i truely connect. no , i don't feel connected. what i wouldn't give to feel that connection..... that realness betwween people. alex is connected to them more than i am, and that just makes me madder. Luike, somehow he's better than me in a million and 1 ways. Which is fine, but then, its not. I dont want to be better either, i just want to be the same. to be one. but no ..... i am one piece of fucking SHIT right now and not much else. Its just not fair , all of this. SO MUCH in my life is so favorable. but this one show and this one night are pissing me off to no end. I just want to scream. and then go out and go danicng. right fucking now. i am going to hate myself tomrrow when ihave to get up in 5 hours or so


My friends are stressing me the fuck out right now.

Don't tell anyone.

It feels like they are pushing a trip that isn't really meant to be. But who am I to judge. Meh.

Happy Updates for Happy People

Alex and I are officially moving in together. Into a beautiful house!! It has 2 bedrooms, a large diningroom/living room with hardwood floors, an adorable kitchen with red tile countertops, 1.5 bathrooms, an awesome, carpeted family room with a built-in entertainment unit with bookshelves, etc. and a fenced in backyard with a deck (to bbq and do yoga on!) and a koi pond !!!

It's in a nice area too... a cute little neighborhood that backs up on a nature perserve, complete with trails and dog-friendly parks!

I have been so excited and anxious for days with all this house hunting, and today we signed the lease, and I am finally starting to feel relaxed. I can't wait to show all my friends our new beautiful house. I can't WAIT to live with my man, and come home to him every night, and not have to "discuss" if we are going to see eachother that night or not. It's going to be lovely. It's going to be perfect. It's going to be amazing!!! I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!

crappy funk.

I'm in a funky mood today. eh. and bah.
I have a headache. I want to take a nap. I feel slightly depressed for no good reason. I feel resentful of alex for absolutely no good reason. The resentment comes from the fact that he gets to play play play all he wants and doesn't seem to care. and so do my friends, i guess. But thats not even it. I'm growing tired of the scene. really fucking tired/ slightly sick of it. a flip switched at nero. Why am I here ? Ohh because i really do LIKE nero, a lot!! But the show was just kinda, eh. I donno. it was a sunday night. people were raving anyway. Im over raving at the masquerade, or at a show, where its like, OOOOO blah blah blah, lets get up right in front yesssss and we are so cool up here look how cool we are NOW at THIS show with THESE people in THIS outfit. I dunno. I love facebpaint but id like to paint my face and sit at home. Or go to a completely underground party in the woods. I dont care about every fucking big-name,small-name-no-name i dont give a fuck who can use a synthesizer. I don't care about 4 to the floor right now. I really am TIRING of electronic dance music and I want to curl up in a cave with hilary and listen to folk and acoustic guitars. and not do any drugs but actually really connect and be present. Its not even the drugs that bother me, and its not the people, its just the whole scene. it feels STUCK. i want so badly to TRANSCEND all this, but no one understands. No one would listen. they'd just nod and not understand. I should paint more. I should paint a lot more. i dont feel lost.... thats not how i feel. I feel like im not GETTING something.... like something is missing... or beyond my reach. There is a certain way of being that I can only imagine, and hear stories about... but it cuold never be me.

Thank you semisonic.

"She Spreads Her Wings"

At night she spreads her wings
She dreams of bigger things
She floats above the town
She sings without a sound

She can be anywhere at all
She can be anyone at all

A glow and then a shine
What she hoped she would find
Tonight, tonight

She's got a picture in her mind
She can be anyone at all

At night she changed her mind
She left the world behind

Livejournal you still exist??!

The state of things, currently.

I have opened a bottle of wine, and I'm alone in my apartment. Sunny is here but she's asleep. It took me a while to decide whether or not I was going to open the wine. I knew if I opened the bottle, I wouldn't have just one glass. I told myself, I'll have a glass of wine, OK, maybe 2 glasses. I'm halfway through my 3rd. The glasses are goblet-like redwine glasses (I'm drinking trader joes red wine.) I certainly have not done this in a while. In the past I really used to enjoy getting a little high on my own, but now I don't ever feel like I want to do that. I don't even have any pot, and haven't, for a few weeks now. I have had 2 bottles of wine just sitting up on top of my fridge for almost a month now as well. Strange, to suddenly be indulging my myself.

The truth is, I'm lonely. Usually, I'd just go to sleep. Take a melatonin and call it a night. Usually I've got to be up early enough, so I want to go to sleep. Tonight is different because I don't have to be up super early, and also, Alex is at a football game and may come back here after. In a sense, I'm waiting for him. I never really do this, Waiting Up thing. But yesterday was a strange day, and today was weird. So i'm sort of, not myself. Or, I'm actually regressing into a self I used to be, drinking wine alone. I used to drink alone at my parents house. I still do, whenever I go home. I guess in drawn to wine when I'm especially lonely. You know what? Loneliness is my LEAST favorite thing. I used to be lonely a LOT. Loneliness is terrible for me I guess because I'm such a social person. Sometimes I'm almost too social. I want everyone to be my friend, sometimes. Or sometimes I want everyone to leave me the fuck alone. Not everyone, but just the people who aren't that cool. There are a lot of really cool people out there though, and I wish they lived next door to me and we could be friends and drink this wine together.

Anyway, at this point, I've become drunk. I'm not going to finish this glass of wine. It's silly that now here I am, and the football game has probably just ended, and I'm a hot mess of drunk. Oops, I didn't mean to actually get drunk. Just warm and happy, Mmm wine, ya know. But I knew this would happen, which is why I hesitated so long in the first place. getting up tomorrow is gonna be hard. umph.

Patience, among other things.

Alex is leaving tomorrow morning, until next Saturday. It's silly for me to feel emotional at all about this, but of course i do, just a bit. I miss him already. I also have been unjustly using him as an escape from myself. Things have not been going well for me, in terms of getting a job. Right now it's especially sad because school has started, and i feel like im left in the dust. I feel more like dust than a person, actually. Which is better... I mean... dust doesn't think. If I thought too much, i'd be sad. I've been keeping busy well enough to keep from being too sad. I fought of saddness a few weeks back, and I said, "NO! You are not welcome here! OUT!" and it's been working well enough. I just say NO when i catch myself getting into those thought patterns. On a positive note, my yoga practice is improving. My strength is coming back to me, my hamstring is doing OK. Not great, but I'm pushing myself to improve my techniques in forward folds and occasionally I surprise myself. So at least, I feel physically strong, lately. What else. I have the cutest, sweetest dog on the planet. And my parents are coming on Sunday night. This has got me all up in nerves because I'm not confident and not proud of myself. Also, Saturday night, Rach has me comin to the quad with her,hayley, and who knows who else, which i thought I had gotten out of by babysitting, but it turns out that I had my nights mixed up. I really do WANT to go ... I just thought it might be healthier to avoid it, if possible. But then i found out the ticket is only $10, and it's trance, and I'm like OK what ELSE would I do if not this? Sit on my ass by myself? All weekend? And all week long? I figured I should do the one social event Ive been propositioned with this weekend. Anywho, so, praying for a easy comedown. PRAYING. and thats all for now, folks.