_shesbleeding

friends.only

First I must give you all Proper Warning; I'm morbid, bouncy, and psycotic. Dark, and yet somehow colorfull. A bisexual and proud. My obsessions include but are not limited to Cold Case, The Crow, My Chemical Romance, Bert McCraken & Gerard Way. I'm a writer with the mind of a dreamer. I quote alot of movies, curse in my journal, and tend to talk about matters such as sex and masochistic thoughts. I'm not your typical girl.

I am about to have a second chance at becoming a mother and it is the most beautiful thing I could expirence.

The Rules
If you want to be added to my friends list you must agree to the following terms and conditions. I don't mean to sound like a total bitch but with all that has gone on in the past few months years, I kind of felt this was my obligation to all friends already on my list and those of you who will soon be added.

1) You will respect every person on my list. I understand a majority of you have different beliefs and hobbies, but that dosen't mean you must get into heated arguements. If you are a strong religeous person and feel you must convert everyone, this is not the journal for you. If you aren't already away I am not of the Christian religion, but do have many friends that are. By commenting here and requesting to be added, you understand that everyone inside is different in their own ways and you will respect each of them. If you do have a problem with one (or more) of the persons, please take it up in your own personal journal or through e-mail.

2) If and when taking any graphics, including but not limited to icons, friends only banners, and wallpapers, you will follow the direct instructions on the post. This means you will credit me in some form, wether it be in your icon keywords or user-info. If you are using my graphics for a webpage, you must comment on that post and let me know what you are using and where it will be posted.

3) You must update your journal atleast once a month, share in atleast two of my interests (wich you can find in my user-info, or various things throughout some public entries), and comment in my journal once or twice in the first week of being added (the entry comment does not count towards this)

Hmmm well, that's all kidos... thanks for playing along.

*Note: This post will be updated to include all of my "is love" color bars as they are created. Each colorbar will link back to this post. If you decide to use one, please comment on this entry.

DO NOT CHANGE THE CODING/CREDIT ON THE COLORBARS

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Jesse came over yesterday. i had to re-arrange previous plans, but thats okies. we made love and he asked me to be his girl again. said i have nothing to worry about he means it this time. stop looking at me like im dumb!! i love him and even if he IS using me, atleast i get the days of happiness out of it that i do! but hes not using me... we went to the mall, shoped around hottopic, got some braclets & earings for him, then ate, then watched 50 first dates, then got on a bus, then ate, then came home @ 11:30pm. did i mention i love him?

i havent talked to him yet today, he still has to un-callblock my # - i think he went to work today. I LOVE JESSE!!!

Edit: 05.05.04: Haven't talked to Jesse in forever, and I don't love him. **If this is the last entry you see before the friends only banner, I asure you there's plenty more inside... and it's not all sappy bullshit either, I promise**

so at about 11 this morning zully calls jesse 3 way, we talk for a bit, and he denies all last night happened, he asked me if i was on medication, said he remembers none of it and that he was home on his computer eating chili during the time. but even mom saw him, and i wasnt dreaming, so i dont know why hes trying to make me seem crazy to everyone. then he talked to me a little more today and did some scary things and then he stoped talking online and left his phone of the hook *i realized you can call from a blocked number using a calling card* anyhow, im worried and i dont know whats going on but i wish this whole mindgame would end, mom says to leave him alone, but i cant i just cant!!!

Can i possibly be so stupid? was he playing me again? after friday, jesse wouldnt talk to me. he told emmy-jo he saw i was the same and he didnt like being with me... but last night he said he would come over if i wore my cheerleading outfit. well, i would do anything for jesse, so i put it on and met him outside in the pouring rain. i think he found me cute, bc he couldnt keep his hands off. we went to the bus stop and talked and flirted and touched, ect... but the buses started to watch us so we walked all the way to lowry park near the zoo. it was dark out and the stage where we sat was lit up, the rain came down around us and it was silent, so beautiful, i cried, i think he did too. he had these intentions of sex, but when we got there, we talked so much. i layed my head in his lap and we just talked, about everything... about how ive changed, about how hes scared, just so many things that made me realy bond with him all over. it felt like a connection we hadnt had in two years, it was amazing. we did make love in the pouring rain, and it felt so right again. but then a park guy came and we had to jet it outa there, bc the park was closed at night. heh. he walked me home at about 10:30. we talked more and i asked him what he was feeling different from what he felt yesterday and he said he felt like i "might have changed". i told him i would prove it to him more as the days pass. but he still dosent want to tell his parents, or see my parents, so something must be up with that. he told me about how the day he came over (friday the 13th) that he didnt realy have a class at 4, he said he just wanted to get out. that hurt but atleast he was honest! i hope i see him today, he says maybe we could go to the mall bc he needs some things at hot topic and i still need my (and nealams) "adam hat". heh. anyhow we will see how things go.

I was played for a fool! Woot! Go Me!

Broke up with *one* of my guy friends; luckily got him back...

It's hard, but I'll be okies, atleast i got on hella kiss outa the deal! hehe.

I have a pink lj... and YOU DONT! SO HA! (not realy)

And did you know that...
stacys mom has got it going on!

I dont know whats going on, i dont know if things are getting better or worse. i dont know if this is what ive been praying for the day before valentines day or if its what ive dreaded the most. is he going to hurt me again?! is this real?!

for those of you who have no idea what im talking about, heres the scoop; last night jesse told my friends he hated me, that he wanted to to take a leave from his life - but this morning he unblocked me on AIM and asked me if i still loved him - the conversation turned into him being horny and he called me. we talked on the phone for over an hour. then he didnt want his mom to know he was on the phone with me so he hung up and got online. i told him i was home alone and he came over. but he was all about me wearing a skirt and having sex... i didnt think he would show. when i saw him ride up on his bike i almost died. i hadnt seen him in a month. you have no idea the feeling. he came inside and as i walked away, leading him into the house, he stood still. he said "Crystal?" grabbed my arm and pulled me in for the best kiss of my life. yeh thats right, my first french in over a month, go me! when i wouldnt give him sex he kinda got mad, but we did make out alot and he only stayed for a little while because he has to go to A.M. courses do to his parents court date thing. he told me he was going to break up with his girlfriend, that i wouldnt have to cry over him anymore, that he was going to ask me out after he broke up with her... but the reason im so sceptical is why was he so unsure if he could see me tommarow? i so do not want to be hurt again, but this could be the answer to my prayers... please god help me know what to do. i have this knot in my stomach, i dont know if i can even watch JOA tonight i will be side tracked. PLUSS the other thing that bothers me is he says his class was from 4-11 but he told me earlier he was going to the mall with his gf... how is this possible if his class is from 4-11? i dont know... i just love him... god i LOVE him.

Im suposed to be all the mall right now, meeting Joan - but my parents still havent gotten home to take me... grrr... i bet shes going to hate me! i was so excited to :(

anyways im off for now. more later.

If you're reading this right now, there is a good chance you a either A) on my friends list or B) in the adammylove community, in wich case you should click below if you have any interest at all in getting a valentines day card like they used to hand out in kindergarten :P
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Valentines Day. I didn't think it would get to me. but it has. I did'nt want to admit it, for fear 'he' reads this, and will only laughing thinking 'ha, she still cares', but i miss him. i want to disapear before valentines day... i want to end it all now... i cost my parents 4000$ in an ER trip, and I dont want to do that again, but I do want to end it. Theres no point in living you know. I'll be the only one online Saturday, I'll have no-one to talk to and nothing to do... no gifts no love no nothing... no jesse... expecialy no jesse... and that breaks my heart. i love him, please bring him back to me god, please i need him so bad.

Happy valentines day everyone.

This was expiramental, and to be honest, I don't like how it turned out. It's kind of a journal entry for Grace Polk...

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