fucked

Life is more than a series of moments

I'm okay.

My own car-> bought by me
My own place-> paid for by me
A second chance-> a gift from God

No. I haven't forgotten the past, I haven't forgotten anything; it just doesn't haunt me anymore. I was empty— clutching desperately at anything to bring me comfort. I had no idea who I was. The future looked rather bleak, I could predict the path that I would take. Dating someone that degraded me, “friends” who were aiding in my self-destruction, pouring me drink after drink, and last but not least my own drive to obliterate my sense of self, which would kill me. I was a hollow person, there was no passion, no heart, no life or belief in anything of value. Nothing I did had any real permanence or meaning; I had no reason to live, no reason to die. I was in a state of ultimate boredom and depression. I did not care what I did to myself and could not see what it did to those around me.

I do not regret any of it. It has only shaped me into the person that I am today.

I am. I exist. I live. I love. I breathe, and no one can take that away.

I can't explain how badly it hurts to watch those you care about destroy themselves, and even more to leave others behind. Permanently.

There is no going back. I cannot and will not. If it's me or you, I choose me.
  • Current Mood
    calm calm
fucked

(no subject)

Holiday in Spain by Counting Crows

Got no place to go
but there's a girl waiting for me down in Mexico
She's got a bottle of tequila, a bottle of gin
And if I bring a little music I can fit right in

We've got airplane rides
We got California drowning out the window side
We've got big black cars
And we've got stories how we slept with all the movie stars

I may take a holiday in Spain
Leave my wings behind me
Drink my worries down the drain
And fly away to somewhere new

Hop on my choo-choo
I'll be your engine driver in a bunny suit
If you dress me up in pink and white
We may be just a little fuzzy 'bout it later tonight

She's my angel
She's a little better than the one that used to be with me
Cause she liked to scream at me
Man, it's a miracle that she's not living up in a tree

I may take a holiday in Spain
Leave my wings behind me
Drive this little girl insane
And fly away to someone new

Everybody's gone
They left the television screaming that the radio's on
Someone stole my shoes
But there's a couple of bananas and a bottle of booze

Oh, well happy new year's baby
We could probably fix it if we clean it up all day
Or we could simply pack our bags
And catch a plane to Barcelona 'cause this city's a drag

I may take a holiday in Spain
Leave my wings behind me
Flush my worries down the drain
And fly away to somewhere new

Take a holiday in Spain
Leave my wings behind me
Drive this little girl insane
Fly away to someone new




“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands during challenge and controversy.”
-Martin Luther King

Fuck you.
Fuck you for not being there. Fuck you for ignoring me. Fuck you for not answering the phone when I needed you. Fuck you for everything. Fuck you for not loving me. Fuck you for saying it, and not feeling it.
I love you.
So fucking much that you already knew. And when those eyes look into mine, I lose every bit of my resolve. I tried.
fucked

(no subject)

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is

[Chorus:]
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

[Chorus]

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever came around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

[Chorus x2]


And we could all stand on our own...
fucked

It's all weird

Yes indeed, I'm alone again
and here comes emptiness crashing in
it's either love or hate
I can't find in between
cause I'm in with witches
and I have been with a queen
It wouldn't have worked out anyway
so now it's just another lonely day
further along we just may
but for now it's just another lonely day
wish there was something I could say or do
I can resist anything but the temptation from you
but I'd rather walk alone than chase you around
I'd rather fall myself than let you drag me down
It wouldn't have worked out anyway
so now it's just another lonely day
further along we just may
but for now it's just another lonely day
yesterday seems like a life ago
cause the one I love, today I hardly know
you I held so close in my heart, oh dear
did grow further from me with every falling tear
It wouldn't have worked out anyway
so now it's just another lonely day
further along we just may
but for now it's just another lonely day

I'm thinking... that Texas isn't a place I want to be, and I'm completely serious.

They'd keep my phone and bank card. But that I can navigate around that. I need help.

This is what I want, since no one has ever asked me what I want, I'm fucking telling you.

The only person you can trust is yourself. Never fall into the trap of believing that people will do things automatically because they care for you. 70% of the time, people are assholes and will take you for all that you are worth. You don't have to wake up while someone's fucking you without your knowledge to learn that, it just makes it a bit more apparent.

It's me against the world, until you decide to stand on my side for once.
fucked

(no subject)

If I said I needed you, in a big way, would you do it? Would you sacrifice some of your own for my well being and happiness? I'd keep writing the letters I never send.

"Faith often saves an undoomed man if his courage is good." -Beowulf

If I had a million dollars, I'd spend them all on you.
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(no subject)

I'd like to make you understand
I had to confess why I had to move
I live in Texas to stay alive.
No one should come so close to death
And those times I'll never get back
nights that have disappeared forever
I've had angry words
with everyone that tried
to come between me and my ... needs

"The drugs don't work
They just make you worse
Somehow I know
I'll see your face again..."

I never forget a friend. Maybe I'll see you guys next March... If I can get all the transportation and money together. I'm going to move away from Illinois when I leave Texas. Anyone want/need a roommate in about nine months? :)
fucked

Fulshear Texas Doesn't Suck That Bad

It's about okay.

The time passes faster, and I can't believe I've freaking lived in Texas for over a month now.

I have hardly any addresses, which makes me a bit sad. I guess it'll be alright, however it works out.

I miss people. Which sucks. Eh. -sigh- That's how it goes, I guess. A thousand miles.. PEH!

Don't you all love reading my entries from rehab? <3
fucked

(no subject)

If I said I never wanted to talk to you again, would it bother you? Or would you just continue to be so self-involved that you didn't notice?

I have about $700.. Which would be just enough to buy a ticket, taxi..

If you tell me to stay, I'd have to bring up that none of you know what it's like.. a year.. of your life.. No senior prom. No graduation ceremony. No car. No cellphone. No...ANYTHING that you guys get to do.

Eh.

It's an adventure, Jen.. Another adventure. Maybe, if I keep telling myself it'll be okay, I'll believe it.

But I got myself here, and I'll get myself out.