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Jan. 23rd, 2005 @ 04:19 pm An Ugly Encounter
Someone please tell me who made the rule that when you run into an ex, whom of which you had a nasty break up with, you have full rights to brag and boast about the most stupid shit?!

I ran into Scott, you know the horrible boyfriend that was only good in bed? It was akward, I'm not going to lie. But once we got past the whole "how have you been" and "what have you been up to" bullshit, he went straight into "Look at me, I'm gonna brag, and make myself look better than you" mode. First of all. let's get this straight, you'll never be better than me. Now continue... He starts off about how he's working at this high end retail store, and going to school, and playing in 2 different bands. He has no time for anything. But oh, by the way, his band might be going on tour across the country. Wow. Let me tell you, I am so fucking impressed! Actually, I take that back. I'm very impressed.... that your ass finally got a job!! I mean you don't see me spewing off all of my latest and greatest achievements, do you? So why is it ok to pump yourself up with all of this crap, that you know I see right through?

We're all mature adults here, so why can't we act like them instead of playing childish high school games? It's like because I dumped him, he has to prove to me what I gave up. Well listen honey, I didn't give up on anything! And it's everytime that I run into him. I can predict where it's going, before it even gets there. "Hi, how are you? I've been great working a lot, and practicing a lot because you know I'm in like 5 differnts bands. One's signing a record deal next week, the other I'm touring with, the third might record a few tracks with blah blah (fill in name of big, popluar band here), and blah blah (once again, fill in band name here) asked us to play a few shows with them, and the other band is just a few guys from school. What have you been up to? Oh, yeah I'm still double majoring" Sweet. I don't give fuck, and either does the rest of the world, thank-you-very-much! So gow up and quit tryin to make yourself look better than you are, you're not fooling anyone!
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Jan. 17th, 2005 @ 10:47 pm Welcome Back
Snap back to reality....
My vacation to the east coast was nice- well needed. It got me thinking a lot about thinks. Not about Derek, though. We were over before anything ever really began. It's like I'm desperately looking for someone to keep me company. Why? Why do we need to rely on the companionship of others? I mean, pleanty of people live their lives alone, and to themselves, so why can't I? It's like I'm throwing myself at the mercy of any and every guy, hoping for something. But then I threw myself into something I definitely wasn't ready for...

So when is it ok to cross the line of a purely platonic relationship? Someone is bound to get hurt and dissapointed in all of it. But that's exactly what I set myself up for. While out of town, visiting an old friend, I took that dive into the other side of platonicism. I was drunk, he wanted me, I was available and desperate, curious to see what it would be like. Hell, just circle all of the above! And the horrible thing is, he was so much more into it than I was. I tried to throw in a few good moans to reassure him that he was going just great. I'm horrible. It was like I just did it as a favor to him. I felt as if I owed it to him. I dunno, it was just odd. I was nervous as hell, when I shouldn't have been at all. He prolly thought that I was a lousy fuck. Oh well..

Now that I am home, all of his phone calls have been more frequent. We have to have all these "serious" talks. Talks about what?! It was something that happened. Now all of a sudden he wants a commitment and a long distance relationship!! I can't do that. I told him that I'm not at a point in my life where I want a boyfriend. Which is true. I don't want a boyfriend, I want someone to have fun with and keep me company without all of the attachments.

So I found myself at Scotts place tonight. Scott is my friend from college that's friends with Derek. It's at Scott's, that I actually met Derek. I think Scott always had a little thing for me, but I never thought that he would act on it. Next thing you know he's pulling me onto the couch and cuddling with me. Then we're making out, and then I dunno where it came from, but I'm going down on him. It all happend so fast I don't know what to do. I think I need to stay away from guys for awhile. This is all too fucking crazy right now. Damn.
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Jan. 6th, 2005 @ 02:07 pm A Revlolation
I've concluded that finding the perfect guy is like recieving the perfect Christmas present from your grandma. It's like a game. Did she get it right this year? Sometimes you rip open the paper to find exactly what you wanted- (only because your mom picked it out and your grandma wrapped it and signed the tag.) Other times, she completely bombs it. "Gee, thanks grandma for the "cute" (cheap) purse (from Kmart)" Guys are exactly the same thing. Sometime you catch a real winner, like a good gift from g-ma. But then you soon realize that the odds of that are slim to none. But I'm done looking for Mr. Right, completely through. If he wantes me, I'll be sitting right here. You know, there's only so many "cute" purses (from Kmart) that you can take, before asking grandma to give you the Christmas money instead. Then you use the $20 towards a Prada or Kate Spade. Well I'm not settleing for antoher damn Kmart purse again. I'm gonna live my life carelessly and extravagant- Extravagant like that damn Kate Spade purse. When I meet a guy, the first thing that inters my mind isn't going to be "whould he make a good boyfriend". It's now going to be "What kinda kisser is he, and would he be good in bed?" I'm starting over. I got to go I gotta leave in 15 for my trip.
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Jan. 4th, 2005 @ 02:25 pm Adios
So still no word from Derek besides the sketchy run-ins and "I've been so busy" hellos. I think I'm past the whole, "what did I do?" part. If he doesn't want me, than fine. There's got to be one guy out of the thousands in this city that does! I need a vacation, and that's what I'm going to do. I booked tickets to leave this Thrusday to a weekend getaway to the coast. It should be good to enjoy the ocean view and take some time to enjoy the nice weather and relax. I'm staying with an old friend from high school, so I'll have pleanty of things to see and do. Derek's the last thing on my mind right now. Goodbye stubborn, unpredictable, confusing men, and hello to the hotties of the gorgeous west coast! Lata ;)
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Jan. 3rd, 2005 @ 11:23 am Thanks a lot.
I don't know about Derek. I mean he's completly amazing, charming, mature, everything I've been looking for. But I can't seem to get over how bad he is at kissing. Ugh, it's horrible, a total turn-off. Not to mention it's been days since we've talked or seen eachother, besides a casual hello in the elevator. I mean what did I do? I swear all perfect men are plagued by something. I used to think that most beautiful, senstive, cultured men were all taken by the gay community, but now I'm beginnning to believe that there is something else out there sucking the life out of all the good men in this city. I think all guys out here have an evil plan against me. I guess everyone can*t have their happy ending, or can they?

I look at Elisabeth and Steven and they're happy- made for eachother. Can you really only plan on being with one person for the rest of your life? I mean I think about Perry and how everything would be if I would have stayed with him for the rest of my life. Would I be happy? Sure, finically I would be, but I would have a miserable, boring sex life for the rest of my days. Or maybe not, because maybe then I wouldn't know what really good sex is, because I had never experienced it. That's a sad thought. Elisabeth only having sex with one man for the rest of her life. What if she never has crazy, earth-shattering sex, because she thinks that she has it all with Steven? But then I look at Adrian and her "boyfriend", Mitch, and the hundreds of other guys she's been with, and wonder too. Adrian has been with more people than anyone else I know. But this doesn't mean that she's experienced the best sex of her life. Out of all the guys she's been with, and out of all the years she's been sleeping around, she still hasn't gotten off. So maybe it's all a game of luck. You may end up with a man that can rock your world, or you may land yourself a fun, one night stand, or you may settle for the same dick you've always know, for the rest of your life.
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Dec. 16th, 2004 @ 10:15 pm The Big Oh No!
Things with Derek are going perfectly. There have been pleanty of "coffee dates", as well as others. He invited me over the other night to watch old Humphrey Bogart movies. He's a true romantic. I can see myself really going some where with this guy. I mean, he's mature, sweet, and different from all of the other guys I've dated.

He had tickets to go see a show downtown on Friday, and invited me to go. The show was amazing. As more and more people drift in, Derek kept me close by his side by grabbing on to my hand. Such a simple and sweet gesture that takes my breath away. As the night grew old, we headed back home, walking close together, bundled up in our peacoats. I couldn't help but to soak in all the magicalness of the night. It was too perfect. We met up with some friends before turning in for the night. One gin and tonic becomes several more, and pretty soon Derek and I were trashed. We're both waiting to see who will make the first move. I knew he knew I wanted him to kiss me. And then it happened. He caught me right off gaurd as I fell down behind the bar and knocked over some bottles and cans. It was quick and sloppy. Not at all what I imagined the first kiss to be. I wanted a picture perfect kiss- like the ones we saw together in all those old movies. Oh, God. It was such a dissapointment. But I can look past all of this. Maybe if I work with him a little bit, I can have him a kissin' pro in no time. But in no time, we were way too drunk, and needed to go home. I lived the closest, so I offered for him to come back to my place. Test the waters see what he's made of.

Back at my place we made it to the sofa and kissed a bit. (Oh God.) I got up and change into something more comfortable, and when I got back, Derek's passesd out on my couch. So I try climbing on top of him and planting sexy kisses on his faces. The response I got iwas weak, go I gave up, grabed a blanket, and slid next to him on the sofa. What a horrible ending to my perfect night with what I thought would be, the perfect man.
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Dec. 13th, 2004 @ 02:23 pm The Coffee Date.
So after my encounter with Derek, the Russian speeking cutie, the other night, I was more than excited to tell all to Elisabeth and Adrian, my two best friends, that following Sunday.

I told them about my encounter, and about how much we both had in common. Then Derek called and asked me to meet him at Barista later that night. Amazing.

So later that evening, I met Derek in the Café Barista for some coffee. We shared a few akward moments between sips of coffee. But as our night drew on and Brista began to close down, I relaized I wasn't finished with my coffee date with Derek. And come to find out, neither was he.
We spent the next few hours walking around the city at night. It was fall and the perfect walking weather. We linked arms walking side by side in our peacoats. It was all too perfect. That night, I learned so much about Derek- his family, where he grew up, his beliefs, everything. We were really making a connection. It's about time that I finally find a guy that it on the same maturity level as myself. As the night came to an end, derek walked me back home where he thanked me for a wonderful night and the company. We politely hugged and I walked inside. The perfect night could have easily ended with a perfect kiss, but I'll save that for another Coffee Date.
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Dec. 11th, 2004 @ 02:30 am The "Ex" Files.
So, I'm lying in bed when my phone rings. Perry.

Perry's the guy that every girl dreams if having. But as they say, all good things musy come to an end, and Perry and I split. Things ended well, and we remained friends. It took awhile, but we got there. Perry's the kind of guy that you constantly have that "what if?" in the back of your head. "What if we stayed together?... I know I would have finalcial stability. I know he would love me uncondiotionally. I know that he could treat me like I deserve to be..." But you can't make yourself love someone who you just don't love that way anymore.
I heard about you and Scott.
Yeah. it was for the best.
No offence babe, but I still don't understand why you kept him around. You can do so much better than him. I would have never seen him as your type. You're so beautiful and you deserve way more.

Goddamnit, why does he have to be so perfect? It's these moments where I miss what it feels like to be held in Perry's arms. Such love and comfort. I try to hide the fact that I'm crying. Why was I so foolish? I left the most perfect man in the world to date losers like Scott? Oh, miss Perry.
....
Well, it was good talking to you babe. Glad to hear you're doing a lot better. Don't be such a stranger.
I won't. I know, if I ever need anything, you'll be there for me, Perry. Thanks.


I have to get out.
So I go meet up with some friends who live in the next building over. Just me and the guys. But who's this new boy?
This is Derek. We lived together our freshman year in college.
Mmmm, Derek.
There's something about him that I can't quite put my finger on. It can't be the way he dresses. yuck. But there's this mysterious aura about him that I lurk to find out more. So I strike up a convo when I find out that he works at the local radio station at night. Quite impressing taste of music I might add.
The night leads on with deep converstaions about the most random things. He speeks Russian. Who speeks Russian? That's amazing.
At the end of the night, we exchange info and the promise that we'll catch up and do coffee. Sounds wonderful... Derek.
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Dec. 8th, 2004 @ 04:56 pm Newsfash
I dumped Scott.
He was no good.
Well, he was good at one thing, sex, and that was about it.
Amazing s-e-x. wow. I'll give him that.
Nothing else.
I had to kick him to the curb.
It was mesy.
He cried like a pussy.
I screamed at him and threw things at the wall.
I never want to speak to or see him again.
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Dec. 8th, 2004 @ 03:26 pm The Beginning.
I suppose all sexual encounters have a beginning, and I think that's where I shall start.

Everyone remembers the first time that they had sex. Waiting axiously for "that special moment" where you could no longer call yourself a
virgin anymore. But come to think of if, having sex for the first time is never the perfect orgasmic bliss we always hope for. At least for me, and most women I know. It's always akward; you never know what you're going to get. Is he gonna be good, horrible, a freak, slow and gentile, etc.? It's usually the first time that you see one another naked, so then there's those nagging thoughts in the back of your head. Did I remember to shave? Will he think I'm horrible? What if I can't keep up? Are my boobs too small? Should keep quiet? Eah, the list goes on. And I'm sure he has some self doubts too. But if you plan it right, sex for the first time can be something special. When it's forbidden and a secret, the antiscipation can be wonderful.

So back to "that special moment" where you cross over that line, into a new, elite classification of "non-virgins". Everyone remembers thier first time, unless they were highly intoxicated. But I can say I remember. When it happened I remember thinking, "this is it?". It was definitely not all it was hyped up to be. Akward. That's the only word that comes to mind. For me, sex came in, unexpectedly. It was more along the lines of, "what are you doing?" See Alan* (Names have been changed) wanted to wait until we were married. Gimme a break!! I was 15 and in high school. Then one day while we were "watching movies" as all high school teens do, as an excuse to go make out and fool around, he put it in me. It last about 15 seconds and then he pulled it out. I remember the car ride home, him asking me if that ment now that we were both not virgins. And that's how my sexlife begain. It continued with Alan for a few more months. Akward gwaky teenage sex. Just laying on your back in uncomfortableness with him pumping away on top. I don't think that it ever felt good to me with Alan. Lukily it was only a handful of times before I gave him the boot. (Not because of the sex, might I add.)

And after thinking of all my first times, only a few good ones come to mind. Sex for the first time isn't perfect no matter how you look at it. You're nervous and don't know what to expect. How can you fully enjoy yourself when you're uncertain and thinking too much about it? Sex can be perfect with someone a little further down the road....
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