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Thursday, June 5th, 2008
10:49 am - volver a comenzar . . .
la verdad es que no puedo crecer, y por eso no puedo olvidar este diario. supongo que no sea problema, pero quizá será algo asá algún día. no sé . . . bueno, es divertido leer todo que dije hace años. me di cuenta que yo no entendía nada en aquel entonces, pero en realidad no entiendo mucho más todavía . . . chau, amigos, si leen esooooooo.

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Monday, October 1st, 2007
11:50 pm - yes, i realize that it's october, dammit
september always changes things. it's a month of uncertainty, excitement, a short of foreshadowing of the next school/social year. i never know how to react to the shortening of days, the cold crisp air you feel when you step outside in the mid-morning sun. there's a transience in september which is unseen anywhere else.

if the past four weeks are any indicator of what's to come for me this year, though, i should be scared.

i'm almost 21 now. this was the first summer i ever truly felt old.

here's to a (hopefully) happy fall & winter . . .

(i'm just trying to be optimistic after an emotionally exhausting three days)

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Sunday, June 17th, 2007
9:57 pm - che! che! che! che! che!
Lavorare e lavorare e lavorare e non vivere la tua vita. E perché? Devi lavorare per convincerti che puoi viverla dopo. Questo è la bugia più grande della mia vita.

Comunque . . . e adesso che cosa se deve fare?

Questo è come la gente pense. "Pensare così e sarai felice."

Infatti, lo che sta succedendo non e così. Stanno stupidi, ignoranti, questo è il modo che a noi piacciamo.

Non crederlo! Non crederlo! Non crederlo!

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Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007
2:17 pm - immortality
i don't really know how to publicly talk about my life anymore, but it's getting close to the one year anniversary of the death of my grandfather, who was and continues to be the one person who has influenced me the most. i've done a lot this past year--i've seen a lot, i've thought a lot, changed a lot, and i wish he were still here to talk to . . . i visited italy in order to see his place & people, what he loved so much and from which he never got enough out of telling me stories. i saw his town, his old house, dilapidated as it was, i walked inside and hope to find more of him in his past but instead i discovered that even though the past teaches you a lot, it's the future you must look towards.

cameron's grandfather died a few days ago and i feel bad and thought i may post my grandfather's eulogy (written by my dear sister), which may or may not help us both in some way. so, anyway . . .

My grandfather died in the spring.
Spring, the season of renewal, of life. The season we are given after enduring six months of cold, of bare tree branches above our heads and the litter of leaves and silt underfoot, spring is the season where we are reminded that all life is cyclic: that what lives may die, but only to be born again once spring arrives.
My grandfather understood this, having been a farmer his entire life. He held other titles, professions, but until he died he lived in tandem to the cycles of the earth, planting, harvesting, preparing the soil during the long months of winter so it would be ready again to bear crops once more with the arrival of spring. Living so close to the earth he understood: death is not an end, but an opportunity for us to begin again new. For Poppy, this spring is the spring where he starts his new life, an eternity of one-ness with God.

Poppy was one of the few truly enlightened people I’ve ever encountered. His faith in God never wavered, but more than that, he had found perfect peace in his relationship with God. I remember him alive, how he always had a beatific look on his face, the look monks, priests, and holy men wear after years spent perfecting their faith—Poppy was a husband, a father and a grandfather, but he had the same face, the same peace. My grandfather knew wholly that God is love, and his life in service to God was built of his love. In his life, he wanted only to love his family, and every time I looked at him, I saw not only proof of his love but also proof of something greater, proof of God’s love, proof that God is love.
As you lay in the hospital bed in a coma, Poppy, the peace and love you wore on your brow in life never evaporated even as you drew closer to death. As I said good-bye to you that day in the hospital, I realized that while I had already begun to miss you, that I was not afraid for you to die: how could I be, when you were so totally at peace, when even as your life waned I could still feel the strength of your love around me?

Now we have come together on this day not to commemorate Poppy’s death, but his love for us: we who are his family, who were his to love in life, must remember today that the greatest legacy we can offer him is to love each other as he loved us in life, and to know that in death his love has not disappeared from this earth. It is spring, time to plant seeds, to lay down roots, to grow from bud to bloom: after six months of cold, Poppy knew that God would not fail, that spring would come and life begins again.
So Poppy, now we who you loved will give you back to God; we give you back to the source of all love man has ever experienced, we give you back to God.

current mood: quixotic

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Tuesday, November 21st, 2006
4:49 pm - don't make this into something it's not
No es una disculpa, sino la explicación:

Una vez, cuando tenía dieciséis años y era ingenua y tan sincera pensaba que sabía todo y te conocía. Cada vez que nos veíamos fingíamos que estábamos conociendo por la primera vez. Era divertido, pero ahora lo sé que era eso que causaría los problemas que seguiría.

Siempre hablábamos por la noche de cosas como el amor, como la muerte, como las cosas que no podíamos tener en las manos. Para algún razón, eso nos estaba consolando. Pero, no pensábamos hablarnos. Todavía, pensábamos que nos conocíamos.

No era la verdad—no me conocías, porque no te dejaba. Lamento que no trate aún contigo. Ahora, no hablamos y por eso estoy escribiendo esta carta. Estoy cansada de fingir porque entonces no voy a ninguna parte.

¿Recuerdas la vez cuando estábamos en el parque? Fumábamos y hablábamos de los amantes de nuestro pasado, y de hace un año cuando el cielo se cayó. Nos dimos cuenta de anoche soñábamos las cosas mismas. Era un sueño muy extraño:

Estábamos cayendo. No veíamos nada, no oíamos nada. Entonces, nos despertamos, sudando. Pero, actualmente, no nos despertamos. Todavía, dormíamos. Todo es oscuro, y estábamos cayendo. No hubo nadie cogernos cuando cayéramos.

Aquella noche, otra vez yo dormía. Otra vez, el sueño era muy extraño. Era así:

Estuvimos en mi sala. Me besó, y en la televisión fue Waking Life, la escena cuando el chico y la chica estaban en la cama, hablando de la posibilidad que la vida sea solamente una memoria. Entonces, estamos cayendo y pues estoy sola, otra vez, andando por la playa, y el sol está levantando.

Te estoy diciendo el sueño porque después de aquella noche en la parque, paramos hablar. Aunque lo sé que no nos conocemos, estoy seguro que todavía estamos soñando los mismos sueños. Esto sueño nos dio miedo. Te pregunto, ¿de qué?

Espero que esta carta te cause pensar. De todo el mundo, de nosotros, de nada de importancia. Es solo importante que pienses.

current mood: complacent

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Monday, October 9th, 2006
5:45 am - e lo va così
non voglio vivere come sto vivendo. sono stanca stanca stanca degli sbagli che faccio. molto stanca. qualcuno deve fare qualcosa adesso perché è chiaro chiaro che non lo faccio.

è patetico, vero?

dunque, domani è un'altro giorno. le cose stanno cambiando, e stanno cominciando domani.

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Friday, July 14th, 2006
12:18 pm - ciao ciao!
Well, ive made it to italy fine. I hated the plane ride and only got over jet lag about four or five days ago.

ITALY is AMAZING and beautiful. I've been taking many pictures and will let you in on them as soon as I can upload them.

Urbino is a beautiful Renaissance town. I feel like I've stepped into a time machine and literally live 500 years ago at times. The town is small but I like it that way. We've made good friends with the owners of the bar down the street from our dorms, everybody is very friendly and still intimate, there are no chain stores like McDonalsà's or Wal'Mart which probably helps contribute to everything in America feeling so much less sincere.

I went to Assisi and Gubbio last week. Saw San Francesco,,,, or what's left of him, as well as his basicilas. rode the funivia, kinda of like a gondola, but really more like a bird cage.

Italia won the world cup! And the whole town was celebrating. I got thrown into the fountain in the piazza. For all who hasn't seen th craziness... biggest party ive ever been to. probably because the whole town was there, dancing singing and setting off fireworks left and right. and throwing people into fountains...

Rest assured, i have pictures of that too.

Anyway ive only a few minutes left and ill be in touch. much love guys.

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Monday, June 19th, 2006
2:20 am
"A girl died in 1933 by a homicidal murderer. He buried her in the ground when she was still alive. The murdered chanted, "Toma sota balcu" as he buried her. Now that you have read the chant, you will meet this little girl. In the middle of the night she will be on your ceiling. She will suffocate you like she was suffocated. If you post this, she will not bother you. Your kindness will be rewarded."

i dont normally believe these things but since it involved ghosts, im not taking any chances. sorry guys....

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Sunday, June 11th, 2006
12:57 am - anda de puntillas por los lugares solos
esto es lo mejor de todo.
esto es divinamente.
esto es la verdad.

para siempre.

yo había olvidado eso hace algunos años.

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Friday, June 2nd, 2006
1:00 pm - v egan pancakes
it's been a long time and the truth is it's all because i'm very, very confused about what's happened the past two months and how i feel about it all and where i'm going. cameron had a baby, a week later my grandfather died, and i'm starting to understand, or at least accept, the cycle of life better. there just comes a time for it all.

i'm leaving for italy in less than a month. i'll be there for five weeks. i'm excited and nervous. i want new doors to open and before i leave i hope to close old ones that have been, in all honesty, holding me back from growing up and moving forward for the past few years. i feel like almost all of last year i needed the time to myself because that's just a pivotal time in all of our lives where we have to listen to our insticts. which is what i did, and i can't help thinking that i've ended up back here for a reason...

i'm ready to move forward again though, and i'm excited to see what the remainder of the summer brings.

current mood: confused

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Sunday, March 19th, 2006
11:59 am - oh mannnnnn

current mood: PO'

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Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
1:19 am - take from it what you will
Seeing old friends really makes me think about the past and I don't know if this is a good or bad thing. I know everything really is, at is core, positive and is only going to help me learn and improve myself but nostalgia is really so warped. I have been thinking about last year a lot lately and missing it even though I know I have never been as miserable as I was then. So why do I miss it? There has to be a reason. After reading Rosie's lj entry for the first time tonight it just reitterated what I've been obsessing about for awhile now. Nobody can keep living in the past and be truly happy. Why not forget about what has happened and just do what makes you feel good now? I guess it's all relevant, though. I think what we should really do is use the past as means to improve today and the future. Thinking about the past hurts but it should only help you live the life you want now. Or at least give you insight to where you should be heading. I guess that's all. Just vomiting my mind here, take from it what you will.

current mood: nostalgic

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Tuesday, February 28th, 2006
12:08 am - paying back what i owe to myself.
i am trying to make realistic goals for myself, because that always feel very good. I am hoping to get a realiable source of income within the next two months so I can save up for my big trip to Argentina in June, which is coming more and more likely each day. I hope I can improve my Spanish enough while in Argentina so I will not have to take Spanish IV over the summer and can just skip right into 300-level classes for the fall, so I have a lot of options come the winter.

Depending on my situation, I'm either going to get some sort of internship for the remaining two months of summer on top of my job while I save up for an apartment, or just work full time. I'm going to save up so I can treat myself to something special next Spring Break or summer. I wanna go out West. I'm thinking New Mexico, but it really depends.

By August I hope to have an apartment in New Haven. I will continue at Southern for another term, and apply out to the colleges I've been researching. Hopefully I'll be able to start classes at my new school for spring '07, but if not I'm fine staying another term in New Haven, either working or school or both. I'm thinking it might be nice to take a term off before starting at a new school so I can really focus on myself and improving my mind, body, and soul. Getting an internship for six months would be nice if I decide to take a term off. Then maybe the adjustment won't be so rocky like it was at Bennington. And I'll have plenty of work experience so I won't have to worry as the time to graduate and face the real world draws nearer and nearer.

Yeah, so my life is looking up . . . I'm just sort of bored right now, but that's always happened to me while in school, no matter if I'm enjoying learning or not. And I am. I just like change and challenges. Which is why I can't wait for Spring Break to get here. Dear god, a week in the warm sun and palm trees will do my body goooooooooood.

current mood: hopeful

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Monday, February 13th, 2006
9:40 pm - nada y nada y pues nada
Estoy intentando encontrarse que lo quien soy, todavía.

current mood: nervioso como siempre

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Monday, January 30th, 2006
8:06 pm - enero lucha tranquilamente, como la muerte en el borde del mundo.
Es la verdad, echo de menos las cosas que odiaba y no lo sé las razones que han cambiados, actualmente, pienso que he cambiado pero no lo sé cuándo o por qué o cómo. Solamente tengo que aceptarlo. Pero hacerlo es más difícil que pensarlo. Siento como estoy corriendo en círculos y no hay nadie ponga ayúdame y también, no hay nada que yo ponga. Muchas veces no pienso en esta manera pero de vez en cuando no puedo pararme. Estoy una persona contenta total, estoy más mejor que hace un año o dos pero todavía, tengo este problema cuando no me perdono y me olvido. ¿Tengo que pensar en este manera hasta que muera? Espero que lo pase cuando el verano llegue, como siempre.

current mood: high

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Wednesday, December 28th, 2005
2:27 am - prelude to my life in a-major.
I've just realized
absolutely every important decision i've ever made was always on impulse.

Shit, man.

In other news, I've dropped out of college and am currently living a very happy life.

. . . I miss Bennington a lot for some reason. I really have no idea why. It'll probably go away as soon as I visit the goddamn place.

For once in my life I think things will work out according to plan.

And I am very much looking forward to it. :)

current mood: awake

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Wednesday, November 30th, 2005
4:46 pm - why bennington is making me crazy (reason 314)
i hate never being able to get away from bennington. i hate running into people who know people who know people who went there. i hate skipping my italian class and then running into my italian professor in williamstown which just happened five minutes ago. for such a small school, you sure do get around, bennington. and it's fucking annoying, so stop it.

current mood: anxious

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Saturday, November 12th, 2005
6:29 am - i remeeember doing the tiiime warp!!
so you know that rocky horror cast in boston? the one that does the show in harvard square??
they came to bennington tonight and i went to the after-party. i got so fucking ridiculous, still am now, just got home. i'm exhausted, the orgies, naked-ness and other general crazy shit that went on.
the next time you guys wanna go to the show, i am so down. not that i wasn't before, but these guys are SO much fun.
tomorrow night is our house party, dress to get paid. by the end of this weekend, i will not remember anyhting that has happened. except what i write on livejournal. but, i guess thatr's okayu.

peaceee, love, & the time warp,

current mood: drunk

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Sunday, October 30th, 2005
11:42 pm - another month
Another weekend has gone by. I'm sitting here, writing in lj and procrastinating starting my temendous amount of Chemistry work, which is a typical Sunday night for me. Taking breaks every fifteen minutes or so, walking into the common room and smoking a cigarette or two to save my sanity. However, I have none so I am trying to scramble together $4 in change, my laundry money (forgetting about it for another week even though my hamper is overflowing), and knocking on the various rooms in Stokes asking if they have a carton, a pack they'd be willing to sell me. How sad.

Halloween party in Swan last night didn't last very long. As soon as Lex and I make our grand entrance, people are walking out of the common room in full force, dressed in costume, some dinosaurs, fairies, rogue warrios, bitching about how they can't believe it's fucking been busted, what a fucking joke. Upstairs there's some other freshman I (vaguely) recognize puking in the bathroom, there's shit all over the place, puke everywhere you look, people are crying down the hall bitching about a missing wig, a lack of coke for the night, an asshole boy, you get the picture. I walk into Amie's room and come face to face with more drunk teenagers, passed out or puking in garbage cans.

I think, I came too late, I didn't really expect that. I'm drunk as well, stumbling over to Amie and hugging her before I leave again, looking for another place to get drunk-er. I guess I started too late, the party's over here.

Leaving Swan, though, I realized I finally got what I expected, sort of what I wanted. Reminiscent of the End of the World party in that goddamned movie, yeah, and I finally realized how it's been like that the whole time I've been here.

FUCK. I need a smoke, I've gotta go find some smokes.

PS I found out today I'll be spending FWT in Montreal, working at an Italian newspaper. I'm STOKED, but not looking forward to a long, cold winter.
PPS I'm seriously debating whether or not to skip my Italian class tomorrow so as to make it to the dining hall before the best FUN FOOD day food is gone (ie fried dough, cotton candy).

current mood: nicotine fittttt

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Monday, October 10th, 2005
8:34 pm - search he steps out
How easy it is to forget death when it is not around. Death doesn’t get any easier. I still fight it in this moment, almost choking on my tears. This is why:

My guardian, my best friend, who never grew up, who was always just as silly and stupid as the day we brought him home had deteriorated. He protected me all this time and i didn't get to protect him when he was scared and in pain. I never got to help him, to comfort him.

poppy's still going to come someday, i say.

I needed that reassurance, that love and I didn’t get it and I want you to remember me. I’m worried you had forgotten I am there, when does your memory darken? When do I slip through the tracks?

These last few days have been hard, knowing I am here and you were suffering. I wanted to be there to tell you that there is an end to this, into that realm I am still resisting but I know you will accept it and you have and you understand it’s great beauty.

I would love to see your soul cry one more time, with the delight of the new day that for you was always just as exciting as the last. And that’s what makes you, in fact, better than anyone else I know.

I'll never bury you, And I'll still play with you in my dreams. See you there, Paqito.

current mood: empty

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