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January - 1b: Life is a dream walking, Death is a going home. - Chinese Proverb

It’s true what they say about a man only being able to withstand so much before he breaks.

Lee’s been breaking for as long as he can remember, but his recent spacewalk has pushed him towards and over the thin line he’s been straddling for countless years. Every day is a walking nightmare, an endless monotony with little to no hope and routine after routine that was at one time reassuring, but now serves to taunt him. Lee’s hollow, has a pit where emotion should be and exhaustion pulls at him, drowning him and smothering the last light of life he has left.

Lee wishes he’d died out there in the pitch black, that the Raptor hadn’t picked him up and he knows how selfish that is, especially as he can recall Dee’s voice in his ear screaming his name. Living is hard, but dying isn’t. It’s a fact that Lee knows all too well, especially when he catches a pilot with their gun in their mouth and he has to convince them that they don’t want to die.

Gods know

Lee wishes he was dead. He’s just so tired of everyone and everything, including himself. It hurts to breathe, takes too long and Lee feels like he’s drowning in his own apathy. Every day is longer than the last and it never feels like it’s going to end - this constant struggle - and Lee just wants it to end. He wants to be at peace - with people he’s loved and lost - he just wants to stop fighting so damn hard all the frakking time.

He’s living in a nightmare and for a brief moment he was free of it.

Muse : Lee "Apollo" Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica
Word Count : 393


#318 - What does your future look like?

When the Cylons first attacked, all our futures were uncertain considering out of billions of people only a few thousand survived. The human race became an endangered species in a matter of hours. And then they kept chasing us, meaning we lost more and everybody, even the military hardened of the fleet started doubting that any of us had a future.

The thing about living is that people need hope to keep breathing, need to know that there’s more to life than just living it and one day things will get better.

Thinking about the future was the hardest when we kept having to jump every 33 minutes because the Cylons wouldn’t let us be. Nobody thought we could keep doing it, but we did and after that? Thinking about the future got easier.

It started to get easier to be human again, to hope for better and live for the hope of finding a new home.

New Caprica was supposed to be our new home, a fresh start, our new future, but then the machines came and ruined it again. We had to run, fleeing to the only thing we knew. Now our future - my future - lies with the stars and the endless search for a place called Earth.

Not living in fear of our lives is where humanity’s future lies and I intend on seeing it there.

Muse : Lee "Apollo" Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica
Word Count : 231



#314 - Write about a memorable family meal

Lee was not much older than Zak when he first started noticing the small things he missed when he was younger: a missing figure at the head of the table, the precariously placed bottle of Ambrosia, the slurred syllables of his mother’s angry tirade about a husband’s inability to be home on time and the rapidly cooling meal that neither himself or Zak could eat because their mother had forbidden from touching it until their father was home.

Fat chance, not that Lee voiced that particular opinion, his mother was already straddling the line separating sober from totally wasted - he wasn’t going to be the one who pushed her over it, he’d never hear the end of it.

Unfortunately Zak hadn’t caught on like Lee and he reached out to steal a potato, barely getting it near his mouth when their mother was on him, long fingers curled around his wrist, nails biting into skin. “What do you think you’re doing?” She hissed, eyes narrowed into angry slits, green liquid sloshing free of the glass clasped in her other hand.

Lee moved quicker than he ever thought possible, extracting his mother’s talon-like nails from around his younger brother’s wrist. “He’s just hungry,” he pointed out. “Shouldn’t he eat if he’s hungry?”

“Not until your father is home!” She snapped, wrenching her hand free of Lee’s grip. “Wouldn’t want him to come home to an empty table, Gods forbid. None of us would hear the end of it, not from the great Adama.”

“That’s not Zak’s fault,” Lee responded as he could practically feel Zak shrinking in his seat. “He’ll just eat enough for himself, I don’t think dad would begrudge him that.”

This inspired a hyena-like cackle from his mother who took great joy in swallowing a mouthful of alcohol. “Oh, of course not! He has paid for it after all. Spends enough time telling me all about how hard he works for everything we have.” She glanced at the children and snorted. “Fine, eat, but you’ll deal with your father when he comes home.” There was a pause and another swallow of alcohol. “If he comes home that is.”

“Fine,” Lee muttered as he turned back to Zak and started to serve him some food, reassuring him that it was okay and dad wouldn’t mind. It was only when he was sure Zak had enough that Lee allowed his attention to drift to the angry mumbling of his mother and the crashing of cutlery and china as she took out her frustration on the kitchen. Again.

Zak looked in the direction of the kitchen and Lee just offered him a smile. “It’s okay, Zak. Mom’s… She’s just a little- There’s nothing to worry about.” He swept some of Zak’s hair back and ruffled it a moment later, directing his attention back to the food. “Go on, dig in, before it gets cold.”

Once Zak was settled and eating happily, Lee braced his shoulders and entered the proverbial lion’s den otherwise known as the kitchen, in the hopes that he might be able to stop his mother from wrecking everything and drinking herself into oblivion.

Nothing like a good old fashioned family meal to make you feel more grown up than your supposed parents.

Muse : Lee "Apollo" Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica
Word Count : 553



#312 Rerun: #273 "Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?" (Who watches the watchmen?)

Whenever the Cylons attack and the old girl fires them out of launch tubes, Lee finds himself wondering how many he's going to lose and if he'll even make it back alive. He likes to think that they'll all make it, but the truth is: they won't. This is a time of war and in every war there are casualties and losses, faces you'll never get back and decisions you'll always regret.

Some turn to the Gods, others to alcohol and some to each other.

The bulkheads of Galactica are littered with the faces of people loved and lost, some on the colonies and others in the heat of battle. The priests have said their prayers, asked the Lords of Kobol to carry the souls of those lost to the heavens above where they might find peace, Lee speaks no prayers and refuses to have any said for him.

Every day after a briefing the pilots file out and touch the picture up on the wall, a long held belief that it will give them good fortune and send tribute to those that have fallen before them, it's tradition more than anything else; something they all learn. Lee watches and hopes that it's true, that what he was told in flight school isn't a load of bullshit and there's something to it.

There's no way of telling if the Gods exist or if there's something to this supposed life after death, but it seems to give people some peace of mind. Lee isn't so sure and it worries him because he's made friends and started to care about these people under his command, he wants to know if there's some truth to all of this so it isn't so hard to send them to their deaths depending on the outcome of the dog fight.

Who watches out for those who watch out for others?

It's taken Lee a while to realise that it isn't the fabled Gods, the alcohol in their glasses or the warm embrace of somebody's arms, it's the commanding officers who make the decisions and live with the consequences. He spends more time sending thoughts to the stars above for the people under his command than he does for himself, telling them 'good hunting' when he actually means 'come back alive'.

It doesn't matter that nobody and nothing is watching out for him because he's watching out for the people he commands, the people he's responsible for and the same people who put their lives on the line every day for the sake of humanity and this fleet.

He'll keep watching until he's too tired and too old to do anything else.

Muse : Lee "Apollo" Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica
Word Count : 445



Application Topic: #308 - Fireworks

Lee stopped thinking literal explosion of colour and light a long time ago, right about the same time as he met Kara Thrace and then the worlds came to an end.

Fireworks isn't watching a bright fun explosion in the sky, it's watching Kara Thrace swig back too many cups of the Chief's homemade brew and then watching Kat push all the wrong buttons until sure enough there's a fist in somebody's face.

It's watching a Cylon basestar exploding in front of your eyes, the very same eyes that can only watch as the fleet gets further and further away as you drift out of control.

Fireworks is the tempers amongst the civilians, boiling over until somebody does something stupid and somebody gets hurt. It's the anger and bitterness that has infected the entire fleet and it's the powder keg of human emotion.

They're not beautiful anymore, not in the way that Lee remembers. He can only think of explosion of emotion and the uncontrollable sprial of feeling that seems to drive the fleet apart more and more each day.

Maybe he's embittered and maybe he's not feeling all that great after his space walk into absolute oblivion, but he's stopped seeing the good in things and stopped looking for beauty in life.

Fireworks no longer mean celebration or life to one Lee Adama, they just mean that somebody gets hurt and it all ends in tears.

Muse : Lee "Apollo" Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica
Word Count : 237



November - 4e: Scuttlebutt

Scuttlebutt is dangerous, it always has been. People make comments about things they don't understand and suddenly reality and truth no longer matter and only the scuttlebutt remains.

Look at this stuff with the Chief and how just because Boomer turned out to be Cylon he must be one because he fell for her.

I encourage the people under my command to avoid listening to and spreading scuttlebutt, but we're only human and it's true what they say about scuttlebutt and how it keeps the mundane from getting to you.

I guess in some way scuttlebutt serves a purpose, not a great one, but a purpose all the same. I just wish the pilots would keep their frakking mouths shut when they're out in the birds, some things are better left on the deck.

Some of the scuttlebutt floating around the Galactica is pretty hilarious though, like the scuttlebutt about Tigh and his wife's clothing or the Doc and that young medic. Other stuff? Not so much and all it does is hurt and damage people.

Like I said before, scuttlebutt is dangerous, especially if it's used in the wrong way and people actually start believing it. That's when the problems start, people get hurt and things get frakked up.

I think Scuttlebutt is better used with caution, but to be honest I don't see that happening, not when we're all human and stuck in a small space with a lot of people.

It's bound to get ugly on occasion.

Muse : Lee "Apollo" Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica
Word Count : 250


Application topic: What do you regret the most?

Gods, what don't I regret?

The sad thing is I'm actually being almost serious here. I mean... the Colonies are gone and the rest of humanity is shoved onto their respective ships, all struggling to stay alive and one step ahead of the Cylons.

A lot of things go through your head when you hear that everything and everyone you've ever known has been obliterated in an instant, but none more immediate than the things you didn't do, the words never said and the actions taken that you thought could be forgiven later.

The problem with reflection on the past is that you run the risk of depressing yourself or dragging yourself so far under that you can't get a breath into lungs that are already struggling. Luckily the toasters keep us busy enough that we don't get a whole lot of time to sit back and reflect.

I'm human and a byproduct of that is regretting things that you could have changed if you'd only stopped and thought about them a little longer. Not that it's always that easy, it never is. I guess you fool yourself into thinking you have all the time in the world, but when a bunch of metalfrakkers decide they're going to annihilate your entire race time ceases to be endless. I've done and said some really stupid things in my time and a lot of them I wish I could take back, especially when it comes down to my personal relationships with Kara other people.

I guess the one thing I regret the most is the amount of time, wasted time that I spent hating my father and being angry at him for pushing Zak into something he wasn't ready for. Lord knows I could have spent that time actually getting to know the man that is William Adama, the infamous Commander of the Battlestar Galactica.

Truth be told I'm trying not to regret too many things these days because nobody knows when it's their turn to be sent into the ever loving embrace of the Gods.

Muse : Lee "Apollo" Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica
Word Count : 342


Please note that his journal will be restarting to take part in the creative_muses community.

For muse_channel

Topic for 29/11/06: "What is the one thing you always wanted to say but never did and now regret?"

I never told Zak how proud I was of him.

Always thought I had all the time in the world to say the words but I didn’t and Zak died without knowing how proud I was to be his brother.

I just never wanted this life for my brother, I never wanted him to be a soldier and when he told me he’d joined up and was going through flight school I just knew he didn’t have what was needed but how do you tell your baby brother that he’s not good enough to be a pilot?

Ever since I can remember I'd been responsible for Zak and responsible for keeping him on the straight and narrow and for a really long time I managed but then he got it into his head that he wanted to make our father proud.

Worst mistake he ever made.

Dad planted the idea and it just grew until I couldn’t stop it and I couldn’t change a thing, Zak wouldn’t listen to me and Gods did we fight. He just never understood why I wasn’t happy for him and why I didn’t have the same faith in him as everyone else.

Truth of the matter, I never wanted him to die.

Zak, he was carefree and everything I wasn’t and yet I managed to fly with some of the best and he just never got off the ground. It wasn’t his strength, maybe it never was. I just wish he’d known that I said and did the things I did not because I was disappointed but because I cared too much.

I should have told him how proud I was of him and how lucky I was to have him as a brother but I never did and I still regret it.

He was my brother and I loved him.

Muse : Major Lee 'Apollo' Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica
Word Count : 307

For muse_channel

Topic for 15/11/06: "Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all." - Sam Ewing


He hadn’t been the best Commander but he’d been willing, he’d tried and in Lee’s mind that was all he could have done. Cain had been shot, murdered, and Fisk, well he went the way of all men corrupted by greed.

Pegasus Commanders didn’t have a long life expectancy and Garner was no different from the rest only he died a death worth honouring and remembering but that’s at the end of the story and Lee’s only at the beginning.

He tried, Lee could see it in his every action but he failed with the most basic of things. Command is about people, Garner was too used to working with machines that he lost the ability to connect and understand. He ran the CIC like he would have an engine room and that was his flaw.

At the end of the day, he did his best and he worked hard at what he did and that deserves respect and admiration because he could have easily shirked the responsibility and not even bothered.

Garner didn’t always make the right decisions and he failed in a great many respects but he still made a choice that cost him his life but he saved the ship and the people onboard that ship.

A Commander’s responsibility always lies with his ship and the people onboard that ship and Garner may have realised it too late to change his command but he realised it soon enough to be damn sure he did the one thing he knew how to do.

He gave his life to save his ship, he took that big and final step to ensure that everyone else survived and Lee can respect that. It’s a lot more than what most people would have done if they’d been in his shoes.

You had to respect someone willing to do something like that.

Muse : Major Lee 'Apollo' Adama
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica
Word Count : 310