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29 December 2012 @ 01:00 pm
Are You My Mother?  
(this is a very emotional entry. read it only if you're feeling safe.)

I had this book growing up called Are You My Mother by P.D Eastman. I both loved and hated it. A little baby bird is born without his mother in sight and he wobbles around looking for whomever or whatever could be his mother. His mother was out finding him something to eat but he didn't know that. He had a good mother, but she left him alone, and he almost got killed trying to find his protector.

(Ignore the ridiculous voice reading the book.)

I'm going to be 28 in two weeks, definitely old enough to be a mother myself. My mom had me at 25. Yet I still feel unsafe to date - I always have - due to the abuse that happened to me when my mom was off elsewhere when I was a child. I was abused within an inch of my life and then my mom came home from vacation and life went back to normal. Normal being a mother so dissociated from life that she didn't notice the pain her daughter was in. In fact, whenever her daughter cried she punished her for "feeling sorry for herself" when so many kids have it much worse.

I'm fortunate to have a mother who does love me, she loves me fiercely. We live in the same city. I am fortunate, very very fortunate. Yet if I have a child one day (and I really really hope to), I'm afraid to let my mother hold him or her because she dropped me so much when I was an infant. All the time.

As a kid, I'd read that "Are You My Mother?" book and it gave me a sick feeling in my stomach. And now I am an adult and I go looking from person to person, subconsciously trying to find a new mother. That four-year-old screams in me to have someone save her and I'm the only one who can save her, but I hate her for being so needy. So I walk around like that little bird, every fucking day, trying to find my mother and almost getting myself killed. And no one wants an orphaned four-year-old who has a blind mother.
The end.

p.s. I hate all of livejournal's recent changes. it's making coming back harder. >:|    </whining>