Author: hikaru / _regarde
Archive: Please ask permission.
Feedback: If you so desire.
Pairings: SS/RL, RL/SB, SS/RB
Disclaimer: They're all J. K. Rowling's, and I've got the feeling that she'd have my head for this.
Summary: Severus fills a void in the life of another.
Notes: Written for 15minuteficlets. Challenge word of the week was "desire." Unbeta-ed.
Spoilers: For Book Five, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
Desire. Desire is such a strong word for me to use. Desire has so many different meanings and connotations. Desire of what? Desire of love? Of intimacy? Of pure, animalistic sex?
I suppose that animalistic isn’t the best word to use, though. Most certainly not in regards to him. Because he would take it as sarcasm, as my life-long grudge against his friends coming out to poke nastily at his unfortunate affliction. And that’s simply not true. I wouldn’t do that to him. Not anymore, not after what we’ve all been through.
Regardless, I try not to desire him. I try not to need his touch, his breath, his very presence to get through the days. And yet it is impossible to be without him, because I desire him so much. I desire not to desire him. It’s a paradox of sorts, in all reality. Due to my intense desire to not desire Remus J. Lupin, I have found myself desiring him all the more.
In some convoluted sort of way, I imagine that it all makes sense. I ignore the voice in the back of my head that says he has been drawn to me for all of the wrong reasons, that says I am merely taking advantage of him in the state that he’s in. I ignore it all and focus instead on the fact that, for some reason or another, he desires me just as much as I do him.
I hold him in the night while he screams and whimpers and moans the name of his dead lover and of my mortal enemy. I desire to be there for him, because he has no one else who understands what it is like to lose someone in death so completely that every last fibre of your body aches with the desire to be with that person for eternity.
I know what if feels like. I understand.
Remus came to me because he knew that I would be the only one who wouldn’t take pity on him. That was the last thing that he would want, pity. He’s been pitied his whole life, when he wasn’t busy being feared for his lycanthropy. Remus just wanted someone to take away his pain, someone with whom he could stay for hours on end without the fear of being told "isn’t it time to stop your mourning?"
In the end, I provide both the solace and the comfort that he needs. I will never replace Sirius, and he will never replace Regulus. We do not plan to replace the beloved of the other, merely offer an outlet for grief and desire, pain and longing, sadness and simple, raw need. We fulfill a basic, intrinsic need for the other, and right now, that is all that matters.