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[[ rocks fall. everyone dies ]]


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Love and Fear and Apologies ; adult ; scotty/kevin
icon by dandelion, art by ursula vernon
_regarde
Title: Love and Fear and Apologies
Fandom: Brothers & Sisters
Pairing: Scotty/Kevin
Rating: Adult for language and talk of sex
Summary: Scotty and Kevin try and try again to make their relationship work, but is it worth it?
Disclaimer: Brothers & Sisters isn't mine. The characters in this story are fictional adults. No infringement is intended. I'm just playing; you can have them back when I'm done.
Notes: The short snippets of dialog have been lovingly borrowed from episodes 1x7, 1x14, 2x8. Why rewrite perfection? Fic written for 2lineschallenge.

i've read these stories a thousand times
and now i'll rewrite them all

-a day to remember, you should have killed me when you had the chance



This is not what you expect out of a love story. There is no epic romance, no star crossed lover or knight in shining armor, no great and tragic ending to inspire poetry and works of art. No, this is simply a story of two men who try and try again to make their love work.

Sometimes, they succeed.

This is a story of giving love a second chance... or maybe even a third, or a fourth. This is a story of becoming friends, finally, of regaining trust and respect, of realizing just how far you would go for love.

*

Scotty wasn't answering Kevin's calls. Of course he wasn't. He was sitting there, watching the phone and listening to Kevin's rambling half apologies (because he only half-realized that he was wrong), but he wasn't picking up.

Why should he, after all? Why should he, when Kevin did nothing but hurt him? He may have meant well, but he meant well in a terribly narcissistic, traditional, heteronormative way that Scotty didn't quite know how to handle. He tried challenging Kevin's worldview before, but that didn't get him anywhere. It got him a few more months of a relationship, and sure, the sex was great, but that didn't make up for feeling worthless with someone he was supposed to care about.

So, no, Scotty wasn't answering Kevin's calls.

He wasn't.

He wasn't.

“I just hope that someday, maybe, I don't know, three Martian years from now, because our years are longer than yours, maybe I could be worthy of your human love and respect, whether we're together or not. That's all,” said Kevin, voice crackling through the speaker of the answering maching, practically pleading now.

Scotty answered the phone.

“Please tell me this is the part where you let me off the hook,” Kevin said, voice cracking.

It wasn't, darling. It wasn't.

This wasn't where Kevin got let off the hook. There was no rewriting of the past, no revisionist history. What had been said couldn't just be taken back, and Scotty wasn't quite ready to forgive and forget yet. He had come too far, learned too much about himself, about his needs and wants. And Kevin... Kevin fucked this up too badly. There was no wiping the slate clean for Kevin Walker, not right now.

*

Scotty hated blind dates. He hated them with a passion. They never turned out well for him. Whatever type of guy he got set up with, he was never Scotty's type. Finicky actors, environmentally conscious hippies, flaming queens and guys so stereotypically masculine that there's no doubt they're trying to pass... it didn't matter, because none of them ever worked out.

So he wasn't really sure why he took Michelle up on her offer to hook him up with a friend of a friend or something.

Well, he could guess. He was bored. He wanted something to do. He missed the thrill of navigating those first date waters.

He was fucking lonely, too. Not that he would have admitted that to Michelle. Or anyone.

Scotty should have known better. Everyone knows that saying about hindsight, right? In retrospect, being told about this charming, witty, yet vaguely self-deprecating Kevin should have sent alarms blaring in his head.

Maybe he ignored the warning signs on purpose. Maybe it was some sort of subconscious self-sabotage. Maybe he was a little bit masochistic, wanting to see if this gay lawyer Kevin was his gay lawyer Kevin. Maybe he wanted to go through the same hell and self-doubt all over again.

No, no. If he liked being made to feel worthless, he wouldn't bother with Kevin. He never would have left Mississippi, if that was what he was after.

Scotty didn't know why he agreed to the date, but really, he shouldn't have been so shocked to see Kevin Walker at the bar rather than some other Kevin.

Their conversation was awkward, painful, maybe a little bitter, but they both got progressively drunker as the night went on, and Kevin was distracted by the fact that his boyfriend was grinding up against Michelle in his continuing effort to keep the world from finding out he was gay. And the drunker they got, or, at least, the drunker Scotty got, the more it seemed sort of like a good idea to get a little closer, to start to let Kevin back in, to think that maybe, just maybe, this meeting was fate, that maybe they could start over, wipe the slate clean. Or, at the very least, Scotty could start to erase some of the scribblings on that slate.

But that wasn't how the story was supposed to end.

So Scotty went home with Kevin, spent the night in a bed he had once known very well, and when they woke the next morning, Scotty couldn't help but think that maybe they could make a real go of it that time. Maybe they had both learned enough to be able to make it work.

But then, the phone rang. The phone rang, and based on every little sign Kevin gave off, based on the exasperation in his voice, Scotty put two and two together.

Oh. So last night was about making someone else jealous.”

Scotty put down the metaphorical eraser, gave up any silly, romantic ideas he had about things working out in his favor for once. That night wasn't about love and passion and reconnecting. It was about drinking too much and taking the wrong man home; it was about fucking rather than reviving a relationship.

It was about making someone else jealous. Kevin couldn't go home with who he wanted, so he took Scotty to bed instead.

Goddamn.

Scotty wanted to be smarter than that, he didn't want to be the guy who wound up as the revenge fuck. He thought he was better than that. But no. Nothing was going to change, Scotty was sure now. Kevin would always be Kevin, and that's just the way things were.

They weren't ever going to be able to do anything but hurt each other. “Now you know how hard it is to love someone who doesn't love himself,” Scotty said as he got ready to go, as he got ready to close another chapter in his life, another chapter that Kevin Walker shredded his way through with wild abandon.

He could love Kevin, really love him. Scotty could see himself making a life with this man, a man who could be witty and charming and caring, who was beautiful and giving and all Scotty ever could have asked for in a partner. It would be perfect, except for the fact that they did nothing but hurt each other, over and over again.

It wasn't worth it, trying to erase their history and try again. Scotty knew better now.

*

He hated having to go crawling back to Kevin for anything, but he was so screwed, and Kevin was the only person who could help him. If he wanted a firm word or two, some admonishments about how his lifestyle probably contributed to his predicament, he would have called his parents. If he wanted sympathy, some good wine, and a nice dinner, he would have called up a friend from culinary school.

He didn't want or need any of that. He needed a lawyer, and the only lawyer he knew, really, was Kevin.

The fact that Kevin helped him out didn't absolve him of what happened in the past, but maybe it was enough to start writing a few more paragraphs in their story.

Even if Kevin did have a boyfriend now but neglected to mention it until the most awkward moment possible. Even if Kevin did still stick his foot in his mouth, repeatedly. Even if Kevin did still seem to think a little too highly of himself.

After everything, though, after being lovers and fighters and repeating the cycle over and over again, maybe this time, they could be friends. Scotty was willing to give it a try.

Being friends, after all, is better than nothing. Scotty found that his life was kind of boring without Kevin Walker in it.

*

He should have known better. Again. Lobster and champagne? A recipe for disaster.

To Scotty's credit, he tried to stop things before they got out of hand. He didn't try very hard, though, other than a weak suggestion that perhaps they shouldn't be cuddling on the couch. Scotty didn't move fast enough to put a stop to it, probably because somewhere deep down, he really didn't want to stop anything.

But Kevin didn't stop them, either, and Kevin was the one in a relationship; Kevin was the one who had the most to lose here. Scotty would just find somewhere else to crash. Kevin would have to live with his guilt.

For the longest time, they didn't even move from the sofa, didn't bother to take it to the bedroom, or, hell, even the air mattress. If they paused, if they even gave themselves a minute to think, maybe everything would have stopped.

But they didn't stop.

*

Kevin just made it worse with every word he said. It was mistake sex, and Scotty hated that Kevin was trying to justify it, trying to make it something more than it was. They were a little drunk, Kevin was a little vulnerable, and things just happened.

Scotty didn't want to make it more than it was. He didn't think he could take it. He'd stopped letting Kevin get his hopes up when he realized that they would just be crushed the instant that Kevin went back to being his typical thoughtless self. Scotty was just so tired of it. So he was leaving. He had other friends with couches and air mattresses; he didn't need to muddle up Kevin's life any more, and he didn't need his life thrown all off-kilter by Kevin anymore, either.

Only, Kevin came home before he could make his great escape.

Kevin came home and started rambling about things not being easy, about this not being a mistake, and Scotty couldn't take it. He hated the fact that Kevin was trying to justify this.

Easy wasn't all it was cracked up to be, sure, but, god, Scotty just wanted easy for once. He was tired of carrying around all this emotional baggage: his, Kevin's, theirs. He was tired of it dragging him down. He wanted a normal boyfriend, he wanted someone who wasn't so emotionally dysfunctional. He was so, so tired of having his heart stomped on.

“If you're about to romanticize what we had--”

But Kevin wasn't. Well, he was, he was romanticizing it, but in his own cynical way.

“Because what we had, it was messy. We were hot and cold, back and forth, all over the place. But I want to be back there with you.”

Kevin ran out of second chances a long time ago. Really, he'd probably used up all of his chances by their third date, yet Scotty kept rewinding, rewriting, making excuses so that Kevin could have another chance to right things.

The smart thing to do would have been to keep on packing his bag and leave, no matter what brave words Kevin spoke. The outcome with Kevin was always the same, time after time. They fought or they slept together, or both, but either way, it was a mistake, and they just moved on with their lives.

But Scotty didn't do the smart thing. He didn't do the easy thing. He didn't leave.

Kevin was out of second chances, sure, but this time seemed different. Maybe this time, Kevin meant it.

Instead of erasing the past, why not keep it? Turn the page instead, start a new chapter. They had their baggage, oh, they had more than their fair share of it, but the baggage was what made them Kevin and Scotty. Maybe they'd be stronger because of it, because they both knew just how far they'd come, and they both knew exactly how much they had to lose.

*

Through everything, just keep the story going. Keep writing. You can't change the past, but keep it anyway. Learn from it. Build upon it. Go back and fix things if you have to – change a word here or there, add in something you know was missing – but don't undo it.

Losing love, lamenting the one that got away, walking away instead of working things out: these are all stories that we've read a thousand times.

So, tell a new story. Tell a story about a love hard-fought for, a love that was worth all the heartache. Take those old stories – the disasters, the fights, the jealousy – and turn them into something else.

No, this is not your traditional love story.

But who needs tradition when you have a love that holds true, no matter what?


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Instead of erasing the past, why not keep it? Turn the page instead, start a new chapter.


Wow!! Beautifully said. Loved the story. Good recap of their relationship up to 2.08.

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)

This was really good! I loved it. I hope you write more kevin and scotty because you do it So good!

Thank you! I hope to write more fic for them, I love them so much. :)

OMG~~

(Anonymous)
Loooooooooooooooove it!

I adore your writting style! so beautiful.

Although I love Kevin/Scotty so much, the Proposal is so romanic, and the ceremony is so sweet, I still think the "settle down" is a little bit too rush. I really want to see more reaction between Kevin and Scotty when they were "friends". The struggle, hesitation...You capture the subtlety of their relationship's progress perfectly.

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed the fic!

And yeah, that's probably my biggest complaint about the second season, since it was so short because of the writer's strike, we never really got to see their relationship grow as much as we should have. It makes me a little sad, but at least they are happy-ish together now. :)

I absolutely LOVE this. It's beautifully written and as a reader, I felt involved in the storyline while reading it. Thank you.

Thank you! I'm so glad you enjoyed it.

I have to say i love this story... the last two lines are the most beautiful things i have ever read. well done to you!..

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