Falling.

As I look at a picture of you, I fall back, reeling, gasping. I pull back, away from this feeling that has grown so familiar to me over the years. How long? I don't want to guess. How is it that us, these two girls so alike but also so different, have a spell woven around us, pulling us, breaking us, forever wrapping us up in its embrace? Was it that day in my basement, playing Super Mario World, two girls in 4th and 3rd grade playing with a spellbook and candlewax, looking for love? I like to think it's not that simple. 

How is it that in the short time I had with you again, I never told you how I felt?

I know I was a monster. This will always be my cross.  I will never let myself forget that I betrayed the one I loved the most.

How I wish I could take us to a place where I had seen your need and held you when you needed me. How blind I was!  I loved you so much, I was so afraid of losing you that I pushed you away. But no more excuses. I want to take us to a land where my selfishness is washed away in the waves and the remorse of what I've done.  I want to wipe the scars from your skin.  I want to touch your hair... see your eyes... smell your breath...

I know that this can never be.  Even if you do speak to me again sometime in the future, I will never ask this of you.  I can't. 

You are in my world, always, but an angel, a queen, hovering. Something I can never reach. Something I have to force myself from reaching for.  This doesn't mean I'm unhappy and not in love.  I'm quite happy, and so much in love. 
This doesn't mean that I can forget what I felt for you.

I know you believe what we felt wasn't really love.  And, perhaps, for you it wasn't.  But I know that true love is the love that stays with you forever. I'm a romantic like that.  And you will always be part of my heart, buried so deep no one will ever get you out. And it may well be that you can't love me. And I'm not asking you to.

I don't know what I'm asking for. I'm asking future generations to love what they have, and cherish every moment with their loved ones. Please don't forget that what you have is always best.

Everybody knows,
Everybody knows,
That you cradle the sun, sun
Living in remorse,
Sky is over,

Dont you want to hold me baby,
Disappointed, going crazy
-Serj Tankian, Sky is Over

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
                                                                                                                Dido, White Flag

Sorry, everyone. Sometimes I have to let it out.
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