Tags: scared

how am i...

how am i to keep faith and keep high hopes or even a sliver of hope when things are going more than not so well....

i had been in the hospital for two blood clots in my lungs and then one in my bottom left leg, i was out of work for 3 weeks. i finally get back into work and things are starting to get better or so it seems...

my boyfriend decides to quit his job because he feels they have been doing him wrong, he decides to work with this guy he had been working for about 2 to 3 years. the guy told him everyone was getting 40 hours plus, well he found out quickly it was a lie and that they were barely getting 20 hours a week. so, he quit thinking he'd be able to get another job with his skills..... i guess he didn't realize the economy we're in...

so, he's been getting work ever so often, not every day like he's been led to believe by numerous folks... they say yes we will be working tomorrow, when he calls or shows up at the job site, its "oh, sorry we meant to tell you, "...

now he did apply for a job where my mom works, where he stocks at night... him and a friend... his friend still has a job and he guess what? he gets a callback on labor day for him to start work this upcoming Monday.... no phone call for my honey :(

and amidst all of this the bills are still rolling in one by one and the all are due on the same day, a day of course i can't accommodate... so of course, i make as many payment arrangements as possible... but payment arrangements cant be made for rent...

i remember the nasty letter we received because my boyfriend had turned in the payment 1 day late because he was at the hospital with me.... i doubt it'll be any different...


also, all my funding for college has been canceled because the school had be listed an out of state student, once i corrected that all my loans become null and void, i have no funding whatsoever. i've had to drop all my classes and i'll have to return all my books.

school was one of the things i looked forward to, since i work at a job that absolutely hate and i swear the stress from it makes me sickly.

right now, i'm pretty scared and worried and i have no idea of what to do.......

please, stop the spinning!

sunday - the most boring day of the week, that's why i had no problems with changing my schedule to friday / saturday awf and coming in sunday thru thursday.

i totally forgot football season is coming up, so i need to change that :D

while working today, all of a sudden i'm helping a customer make a payment and everything turns all wonky... no my computer wasnt crashing but everything in my eye vision caved in and caved back out and then after the call everything kept spinning!

i grasped the edge of my desk and told my supervisor to make everything stop spinning, he laughed because he thought i was being comical again. later on he realized i was being serious. i ended up going home.

i believe its the coumadin i'm taking and because since my dosage was too high, i overdosed. i was checked out on friday and my ph for my blood is to be between 2 and 3, it was almost 6! which also explains why my mouth tasted like aluminum foil for about a week! :(

also i think i internalize stress so it's tough on my body. i've decided to do a healthy diet that is beneficial to my hypothyroid and my blood. it'd consists of lots of fish, seaweed and water along with goji juice and acai juice.

i'm trying to take the positive take on this weightloss thing because i cant help but think about how heavy i am and along with all the heartache and scarey things that have happened lately, i cant help but wonder i'm being punished for a previous lifetime!

i srsly dont want to count the calories that celery would attribute to my diet, cant i be semi-normal?

probably not.

lets be honest

the fact that i know i need to see a psychiatrist to rescue myself does scare me... i have no idea of where to start. i have phone numbers but i have no idea of what to say to the receiving end.... i'm hoping i'll figure it out soon.