Tags: kusje

interesting girl.

i have a very large dose of nostalgia, sitting here thinking about past, present and future events made me think really hard about the influences i've had on people, things and other.... the ugly and the wonder.

i've been online around the age of 12, i've always been churning and spinning new personalities, which of course aren't new they are mine but i can't present them all at once, that'd be too overwhelming and what people would call schizophrenic.

popping up in chatrooms pretending to be 20 something, pretending to be a model and flirting madly with the men and boys and honestly causing a bit of ruckus amongst pleasantville, i was intensely thrilled with it all.... that is until i became bored.

oh, ragey me, that mad mean monster couldn't be in pleasantville anymore, i had become oh so bored of it all... but, really it was time to unleash a new part of me. i was still 20 something, still a model but this time i was talented and wanted no more to do with silly boys and internet cat fights with people i didn't know because it simply wasn't fair for their golden boys to be in love with such a delicious piece of evil work, such as myself.

i'd say it was a late summer night, when insomnia was welcomed over, in a whirlwind of normalcy and eye candy, i wanted to be apart of their world.

where you made friends that became your sisters and boys were a rarity. where you were you or at least you could be, if you wanted that is.

lit in milliseconds i made my first site, glossy .jpegs with lengthy style sheets, always wanting to impress, yearning for more than just design praises, i wanted to know a real design girl!

now, i would absolutely love to tell you that i met the best friend of my life, but this is where all the wretched begins!

no! seriously dear, how am i to tell you about this? i'll try my best and my best is all that i can promise!

i met my design girl, i liked her site, or maybe it could have been that my computer had caught on fire months ago and her site was the first thing i saw when i got online and the fact that she sent me a message.

she ends up sending me lots of messages on icq all the time, we became friends. i had a real design friend!

jackpot!

enter jealousy on the right, lack of attention on the left and a plethora of forever going theatrical catastrophes!

firstly, she gave me a wonderful gift, photoshop 5.5! it was only half decent because most of the tools were missing but i still excelled at what was given to me and people noticed and she noticed.

she noticed..... a bit too much so much that jealousy took over and she wanted my head!

okay, okay not exactly but i couldn't tell! soon a slew of lies, strange reactions and apologies from left field presented themselves. she knew what she was doing but i pretended it wasn't happening until my love was gone.

my beloved had been taken over! my beloved? design. design is my love, design would never hurt, put me in any harm and never ever call me fat! oh what was i to do without it?

now mind you i would totally be lying if i told you i wasn't hurt or baffled, because i was. i had no idea on what to do. when friends betray each other is something you work past? is it something where you speak and hopefully you come to an agreement or do i need to put on my sweats and start a dance war?! and this is disappointing because i wasn't mad at her but only mildly sad because she was what i thought to be a really good friend... but even magicians can be fools!

lets go! humility! confuse! time! idea!

days.... went by...... time had changed me... sorta :)

of course, this atrocious girl had managed to stall me for sometime but i came back! new! fresh! it was time to flaunt and i was good at that, i know this because they told me so! who's they? i will call them my friends not my fans even though i did have an official fan club, fan mail, and fan everything. they are my friends and i still receive many snail mail letters, til this very day and i'm positive there's more coming!

i say so because without them i wouldn't have learned that in the dark there is light and in the light awaits a parachute of hope!

i could still have a bitter taste in my mouth, i could still become insanely depressed. i give my heart out to all those that bothered to cause such turmoil in my life! i see your posts, years later still gabbing about me. about how i did this? and how i did that? of course all these things are archaic now. try something new, i'm still very interesting, you should snoop a bit harder! i give you my permission!


i can't wait to share my new stories in adventure with each and everyone of you. it'll be nothing less of magic, mayhem, wonder and exuberance. a roller coaster of mighty fright, a blatant freak show that you see of me, but i wouldn't have it any other way because i'm definitely sure that's what you all came to see :)