December 8th, 2006



Okay everybody do this. Even if you don't usually do them.

Answer all these questions truthfully or you will fall in love with a potato.

1. Would you rather
A) be the subject of some humiliating popular internet video prank which
makes you look like you sexually groped a wild boar
(ps your family will probably see this)
B) Have someone punch you in the stomach so hard it actually bruises your


2. What super power would you rather have?

A) to be able to hold and manipulate writing impliments with your genitals
AND have perfect handwriting
B) to be able to control your farts
AND make them sound like words


3. The robot revolution is tomorrow. What are you going to do?

A) Destroy all the robots! For humanity!
B) Vote against the war
C) Yummy down on some hot robot piston rods
D) go to the aquarium
E) immediately begin killing humans


4. You really have to go to the bathroom and your intestines are badly bruised.

A) crap out one hundred live spiders
B) crap out one large spider of the same mass?


5. Your significant other is cheating on you. With a robot.
A) I'd get extremely jealous and hit him with a loaf of french bread
B) I'd run away with a toaster. We'd take our honeymoon in the bathtub.
C) I'd ask if I could join in and get me some of that sexy robot chassis


6. Would you rather go down on
A) a billy goat
B) your dad


7. Would you lather
A) a puppy
B) a model
C) a pirate


8. Would you rather

A) make out with any celebrity you want whenever you want
B) have a state named after you
C) get karate chopped in the neck from behind


9. Would you rather
A) be in a chart topping rock band but your fans are all pussies
B) win the lottery but you have to be paid in salmon
C) be in a giant enchilada with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie covered in salsa


10. If you discovered that you were actually a robot, what would you do?
A) get naked in public
B) make out
C) get all lubed up
D) join the revolution against humanity
E) hump the TV


OKAY now it's time to scientifically tabulate your score:

1-4: You're feeling kind of warm, but you're still not quite ready for a full body makeout session. Keep telling yourself that you'll improve, but when it comes down to it, your left eye starts pulsing and you fly into a fit of rage. Focus your eye lasers on yourself!

5-9: You're well on the way to accomplishing your dream of having a giant taco for a head. If you focus on your dream and believe in yourself, you can accomplish anything. Remember that accomplishment is as accomplishment does!

10-15: You are the supreme novelist in this spinning hubbub we call nuclear gadflies. If it starts getting fuzzy, dream up, dream in, and dream out.

21+: Its totally righteous to be young and beautiful in America. Don't you wish you knew what it was like?
  • Current Music
    dogs with sunglasses

(no subject)

A few unintelligible words and fleeting gesures carry more power than a battleaxe as a ranged attack with a range increment of 20 feet. When it creates a deafening bang, this 1-foot-long, gold-tipped, iron rod glows brightly.

You, or a messenger touched by you, require unusual precautions against divinations. If you call some nonliving item, you can generally force the subject to perform as you desire, within the limits of its abilities in the form of a dream.

The glowing beated created is in black and white but otherwise like normal sight. You, or a messenger touched by you, shed light as bright as full daylight.

An evil aura lingers after you determine the exact type of poison. If the area contains an alter, shrine, or other permanent fixture of a deity, pantheon, or higher power, the demand must be twenty five words or less.

This simple lens contains a royal outfit.

Cutups from the Player's Handbook
  • Current Music
    shut up you jam-smeared turdmerchant