Annie (_pinkchocolate) wrote,

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The obligatory anti-Twilight post

I finally got around to reading this garbage book (it was a .pdf version I downloaded from some torrent site... sorry, but I didn't plan on wasting my money after reading my flist's reviews). Before I get into my opinion of the first 1/4 of the book, let's have a look at a representative of the (alarmingly large) pro-Twilight population I'm about to offend. Here's a post a male Twilight fan named Daniel left on the wall of an anti-Twilight Facebook group, with my comments added in:

twilightOK well let me say something to who ever was the guy bashing twilight! Just because somewhere else some one made out that Vampires are evil is stupid that u can't accept that vampires could b good also (so basically, he's saying that the people who hate Twilight hate it because they're prejudiced against vampires). twilight fans such as myself don't think it really is possible it just we like a good book and enjoy the story (oh, please, tell that to the thousands of girls in the "Because I read Twilight I have unrealisteic expectations in Men" Facebook group). also if you think that the twilight veiw is not really possible why do you believe it is possible that vampires have the apperance of the person they killed (forgive me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like he's trying to imply here that Stephenie Meyer's vampires actually exist IRL) stepine (LOL) meyer has changed the veiw of vampires for soo many people (lol yes, those poor, misunderstood vampires... lucky Meyer's around to dispel vampire stereotypes and portray them justly!) and gotten many people to read (the mere possibility that these are the first books children these days are picking up makes me worried for their generation) soo why try to stop people reading in this educatioaly innept ( comment of mine can do this justice) country we live in all i have to say the twilight series is awesome

WARNING: If you're a Twilight fan, don't read this. It's not a fair, objective review that takes all perspectives into consideration. It's a bitter rant that pretty much rips apart your beloved series/author.

I can't believe how bad Twilight is. I read the first quarter or so of the book and literally couldn't bring myself to read any more. All I got out of the half hour I wasted is that Bella's truck is loud and Edward is pretty/smells nice. Seriously, this trilogy is abounding with everything the makers of Godawful Fan Fiction had in mind when they started their website: an appalling lack of character development/consistency, an overused plot filled with sappy cliches, and cringe-worthy writing.

Let's start with the characterisation. Someone needs to shoot Bella in the face. She's a walking oxymoron. She says she's shy, but most of the time, she acts like a stuck-up, sarcastic bitch to the people at her new school. She says she's unattractive and plain, but OMG LOOK EVERY GUY IN SCHOOL IS IN LOVE WITH HER! Basically, she's the worst kind of Mary Sue with the most classic author's-weak-attempt-to-make-a-mary-sue-not-a-mary-sue flaw: clumsiness. And yeah, the clumsiness is only there so that perfect Edward can come sweep her off her feet every time she's in danger. I've read several other reviews of this book, including otahyoni's (here) and buttfacemakani's (here), and from the looks of it, Edward is equally inconsistent. No wonder why the tweentards love this book so much. They get their bad boy who reveals his tortured romantic soul the moment he falls in love and their supposedly average-looking protagonist (who actually is not average-looking at all) who still manages to snag the man everyone is after. I feel like this whole series is a non-magical AU, vampire!Draco Dramione fic that you could find on UGH.

I won't go too far into the plot, since I haven't read the entire novel and can't really criticise it properly. I'll just say that forbidden vampire romances make me want to slit my throat. The fact that there is apparently nothing dangerous about Meyer's vampires is even more facepalm-worthy. As far as I can tell, all the "tension" between Bella and Edward is a weak excuse to continue the story past the first fifty pages.

And now, the part that bothered me the most. Meyer's writing is, to use Simon Cowell's favourite phrase, utterly atrocious. First of all, Ron Weasley has more subtlety than her. The way she writes is so patronising. She spells everything out for the reader, which I guess is why the brainless teenage girls eat it all up -- they don't have to think while they read. She panders to their every demand, so they have no reason to complain. Bella's thoughts are obvious, and yet Meyer feels the need to explain them in detail, and then repeat them every few pages. Observe: For some reason, my temper was hardwired to my tear ducts. I usually cried when I was angry, a humiliating tendency. I'm PRETTY sure she could have just said "I usually cry when I'm angry" without losing any crucial information. Also, in the first scene alone, we're told explicitly that Charlie doesn't like showing his emotions at least four times. And, finally, the most WTF example: He did understand. "Oh, that's right," he realized. Need I say more?

Second of all, half of the entire book consists of insubstantial, unnecessarily flowery descriptions. It's almost like she realised she had no plot to rely on halfway into writing the book, so she went back and inserted random strings of adjectives into every other sentence. The result is that she gives off the impression of wanting to show off her vocabulary. I'll admit that personal taste is the reason why I dislike extended physical descriptions, but Meyer really pushes the boundaries between helpful (in conjuring an image of the character) and annoying. This "perfect blonde girl" and "cute, baby-faced boy" shit needs to go. ALSO, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP TACKING ADJECTIVES ADVERBS (as gabe_speaks helpfully pointed out) TO THE END OF EVERY SPEECH TAG. "Haven't you ever seen snow fall before?" he asked incredulously. -- how ELSE would you ask someone if they've never seen snow before? "Did you get contacts?" I blurted out unthinkingly. -- usually you don't THINK before you blurt something out. "Was that the boy I sat next to in Biology?" I asked artlessly. -- just NO. I could go on and on, but I think you got enough redundancy from the above few sentences.

Finally, Meyer's writing is bland. I felt my attention drifting every few lines, mostly because the descriptions drag on forever (seriously, three paragraphs to describe a classroom?) and the dialogue is boring and pointless. Her characters lack wit, charm, and distinguishable personalities, so their conversations are uninteresting. I just don't see a POINT to the whole thing. The story moves in circles towards no clear end (or so it seems from what I've read), and there is NOTHING standout about it. It's just another freaking teen novel.

It makes me sad that my demographic is the one supporting this ill-conceived, poorly written nonsense. I know people who are so seriously into the series that they've turned against me because I don't acknowledge Stephenie Meyer as God. I'm sorry, but Meyer and JK Rowling are on completely different levels. It's an insult to JKR to be compared to Meyer. Sure, JKR isn't the greatest writer in the world, but at least the plot of her books is relatively captivating. Meyer, on the other hand, falls flat on EVERY POSSIBLE LITERARY LEVEL. The only commendable thing she's done is give hope to all those struggling fanfiction writers out there hoping to get their work published.

This is actually a pro-first person rant. I feel like one of the biggest reasons why people are against Twilight is because it's written in first person. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that the first person in the book doesn't suck, because it does (really hard). Bella's annoying, useless thoughts make me want to bang my head repeatedly against a wall. In fact, Meyer's crappy attempt at first person might represent the reason WHY so many people dislike first person narrative in general.

However, putting Twilight aside for the moment, I don't understand the first person hate in fandom (not sure if it extends to the wider literary world). I've noticed that people actually list it as a warning/squick, which confuses the fuck out of me. Personally, I really enjoy first person when it's written well, both in fanfiction and in published novels. Take "Kiss A Boy In London Town (And Other Intimate Misadventures of A Society Whore)" by femmequixotic, for instance. What made that fic for me was the first person narrative. I can't imagine it being told from anyone's PoV but Draco's. Also, one of the best books I read this year (The Inner Circle by T.C. Boyle) is written in first person, and it didn't detract from the story AT ALL. Honestly, first person is just another PoV. Why does everyone avoid it?

I feel so much better having let all of that out. *is totally going to get hate mail from her FB friends if they read this*
Tags: rant, twilight, writing, wtf?
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