van Jory (_phyxsius) wrote,
van Jory
_phyxsius

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#311: I have nothing to say about myself but hate.


I just don't know what's wrong with me.

Just 2 weeks ago at the tabletennis competition, I got smashed 3 sets down by an easy-peasy opponent and last night, again at the competition, I faced this opponent whom I felt wasn't better than me and I went down again 3 sets straight(8-11, 6-11, 3-11). I tried to give the ball to her weak forehand but the stupid ball just won't cross the net, dammit. I didn't even reach 10 smashes on her. I only got like 3 out of 33 points(3 sets) from smashes. I thought the first set wasn't so bad because I lost 8-11, I thought I could like win her on the 2nd set and then 3rd and game, we are through to the final 8. But frigging, I went down 3 sets. I was hugely digusted in the last set. It was at 7-2 and I decided to call for a time out, it was way too ridiculous, I had the need to do so and still, with the time-out being called, I lost all the way 11-3. This time, I shook the hands of the opponent and the umpire. Thing is, if I'd have won the girl 3-0, my coach wouldn't have to go down to play, although we won our opponent(Kaki Bukit) 3-0. I just made things so difficult for the team.

My teammate, this uncle in his 60s was telling me, "that it's alright that you've lost(since we're into the final 8 anyway).At least you've got some experience." I know, that he's trying to comfort me but I'm still so frustrated with myself. I've lost to an easy peasy opponent and now again(not easy peasy but I felt I was better than her in terms of standard wise). The only thing that at least lightened me up is what my coach said, "It's okay that you've lost but at least you've improved much more as from your previous play. All you need now is to quicken your foot pace, that's all. At least now you know, when you come for a competition each time, you learn something new and from there, you learn where to improve." Another uncle team mate said the the same thing too.

You know, Marjory, you could have went back to train at your secondary school but you chose not to because you decide to be a bummer at home instead. You know what, you suck.

To even make things worst, rain poured heavily this morning before I could even step out of the house to catch a bus to school. Mom gave me a lift off to the bus stop and I caught the bus and I thought I was late for Mr Tim's lesson to only find out that I was only the third student. Then, when more students started coming in, Tim started talking about last week's lesson, presentation and he came to talking about our last week's RJ(Reflection Journal). So, the question for last week's RJ was this:

In your view, what were the functions of art for ancient man and the society in which he lived?

One of my functions was that at that time, primitive men didn't have television due to the lack of technology, thus he became bored and thus he started doing rock paintings.

Then he said that one person in the class wrote the above statement blah blah blah but he did not mention the name. But I got really pissed when he said that the person who wrote that must have been quite light-hearted on answering/doing the question. I'm like, "HELLO, LIGHT-HEARTED!? I gave it so much thought and I was thinking so hard on the functions and this is what you say?!". Hell, whatever. I can't believed that he said that a grade C is good and not lousy. OH RIGHT, WHATEVER THAT IS, MR TIM. You gave us like Cs and you can say that it is a good grade. Like whatever. Even Dyl agrees with me.

It's not even the end of the week yet and such downfalls and stupid annoying stuffs have to happen. I'm seriously so angry with myself for losing the 2nd time and failing to make my coach happy and see a light in me. I feel that on each game I lose, he sees that I am of no hope anymore and that worries me alot. I have another competition coming up in the first or second week of may and I need to buck up and go as far as I can. I wana show him that I can accomplish something. I hate to say this but ****, I am such a disappointment.

I can't win, I can't do well in competitions, I make things difficult for people, I'm such a sore-eye, I'm hateful in someways, I am annoying in some ways, you name it. Everytime when things get worst, something else just have to rub salt in. Why has it always have to be like that?! I'm so tired of it, it's like people see that I am not troubled enough or something and wish to add on to my list of problems. So fun, huh huh huh.

& Stupid LJ did something to my LJ page if you noticed the animated moodtheme compiled all the way on top.
It's been a day and still, it's like that. LJ, you suck, you better fix this for me. I'm in a friggin pissed mood now.

Ugh, sucker, pfft.

I had enough.

From now on, this journal will be friends only, I have my reasons.
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