christine's Journal

5:50pm: "i 've realized what a new orleans lunch is"
"what is it"
"you have it at 3:15, and you have it with a big bottle of wine"




the big easy

12:55pm:

made it to new orleans in three days. i live here now and i do not think i could be happier in any other place. being surrounded by people who have different opinions about the same subject every other day is driving me nuts, resulting in the same type of thoughts. there is something about sticking to something and following through.

11:11am:  I am moving on friday. i just need to be somewhere warm. not that place has anything to do with how a person really is emotionally. i do not like letting people down, but i would rather do that than be uncomfortable. i am a pretty damn selfish person sometimes. give me some advice about anything

2:15pm:

i'ma going back to school at the end of march.i just want it to be over with,. always stressed out about money always going out. big news big news.

10:35am:

portland rain rain rain snow! you look pretty awful. there is a house. no money no internet except at the creamery. no job. stienlager shrimp cookies corn pops. trying so hard. getting something i have always been disgusted of. i am so far behind.

12:25pm: like has been  a complete vacation for the past few weeks and on sunday i will be pushed out into having complete responsibility of everything and i am scared. owing my parents three thousand dollars is stressing me out. having a job, not just for the sake of extra money but to pay the rent and oh my gosh bills. i have no doubt that I will be fine, and that i can be adult enough to do it. no doubt what-so-ever. it is more simply that i do not want to. i like things easy, i am lazy. i should change because the rest of life is all about  responsibility.

7:47pm:  i feel pushed to the side by all of my friends. people i consider friends don't add up to being many. money is stressing me out. i had a dream that i could not ride a bike because the front wheel kept turning to the right and i couldnt control it. i could not get where i was going as quickly as i needed to or hoped. i kept getting hurt and just getting back on. maybe not grasping the concept that i could have walked the bike, or because i kept thinking about how i needed to get there swiftly or it was far. exactly what life is. i really need some sort of help, how that comes i do not care.

5:26pm:

 i am up when you are down. there is so much less anxiety here, but i'm still thinking about next week next month tomorrow friday..much more than i ever have before. how wonderful it was to be able to take things day by day. there is so much else but not now

4:36pm: my mother says "you seem content" i respond with "have i not previously when you've seen me". then "well sometimes it's different, but you seem content with what you have decided to do"
i would agree. days days day though im still anxious for nothing really. i can not get a good nights sleep the heater keeps turning on and off. its okay. i have to patience with anyone in connecticut that i know, besides my parents. i do not want to deal with any of it, childish something i cant put my finger on. of course this could be different if i was not assuming things. still missing something. something is not right.
maybe its commericals for sonic when there is not one for miles, no

6:06pm: ahha everytime i find myself moving, particularly in the step of dragging the heaviest bag up stairs or down hallways i say to myself out loud that i am never moving again. of course i would have to move out of here sometime, but it's sooner than planned. it is always so strange when i look at everything i own, or everything important that i own packed into several bags and boxes. all of its just sitting there on the floor in such a small space. just things, "my life" packed away, not my life at all, just things. well all of it tightly fit into my car and hopefully i will be on a plane tomorrow night at this time. what i have been waiting for the last two weeks, comes and brings nothing but an empty room

6:34pm: double brested jackets, sweaters or shirts are so fancy and fashionable in my opinion. i look pretty good in hats. therefore i am going to be a chef.

6:24pm: this place, that being arizona state university/arizona in general, has given me really awful anxiety. all the time anxious.

8:23pm:

http://buzz.yahoo.com/buzzlog/78829
i used to love him. now he sort of bores me. but either way he is what made the food network. he is never at his resturant though which is really stupid. alton brown is my favorite

4:35pm:  i pretty much am so upset to be back in arizona. i didnt realize how much i didnt like it here till yesterday at 5pm when i was being driven to the airport. uhh last place i want to be in the world, in this room, with two weeks of school shit. two weeks isnt that long? right right right. aha uhh. i pretty much gained ten pounds over the last five days, but i have never eaten such good food on thanksgiving in my life. thanks new orleans. pretty much had the best time.i got there on wed and it was 80 degrees, but thursday on it was cold like 40's at night i guess and 50's during the day and i loved it.

6:22pm: selfish, inconsiderate.thanksgiving wont be so thankful, i just want to be with my family. ah i want to go home.! i am so mad it is actually unbelievable. the way things work out in my life is just not fair. who do you think you are making decisions without me? im suddenly not excited about anything, ohhhhhhhhh

7:05pm: i for some reason thought things were different or had changed. i went to sleep last night but i knew something was up, i had questions. and i hate waiting until the next day to ask them. i always fear i will forget. anyway i just want to feel okay about everything, accept and become rational somehow. crazzyy. something needs to be real, constant, in front of me, forever. ugh nothing is

4:36pm: i do not want that anymore. i do not have the need to be around you like that. but i do not want to be here so,
all is okay, wednesday is coming soon, cafe du monde etc etc love new orleans! 

lovee

6:27pm: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wow3g5rGw5Y

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4dnRYddPrg4
goat troll vampire

12:39pm: just remember that i am a bullshit friend and that i "used" you next time you try to make excuses and apologize for calling me out on shit. i know i am awful at making plans and being decent because i have school work and other plans, but you make me so so so so uncomfortable. im not sorry

10:55am:  you're not that person that is easy to talk to but i would not be comfortable talking to anyone else. you don't have mcuh to say and i want someone with tons of words and ideas. IT should be easier than it has turned out to be. how weird

12:45pm:  holiday/christmas decorations, commericals on tv, etc etc etc makes me want to go home so bad. RIGHT NOW.

5:28pm:  i do not really know. i have a fifteen page paper due on friday and a plane to catch on wednesday. i have to do my laundry and pack up gifts and myself to spend thanksgiving with someone elses family. i am letting my parents down. fifteen pages is not easy. i feel like i am just waiting for this period of life to be over. but i have to study for exams and go to work.  there is so much time when you are waiting for something. i'm so worried and anxious. but i can't wait to get out of here. i do not want to rush this last month in arizona. i have completly lost a hold on who i am and what i want to do, but i have not actually had a hold on this for such a long time. i miss hawaii. holding on to my past "some may say". but, on the otherhand i have completly lost connection with anyone important to me in connecticut. my fault our fault. i remember how i said to myself i was not going to move again. i do not think anything i do will help. being around people who are okay with me is what i need. i cant function when i feel uncomfortable and constantly compared. i do not like to wear winter clothing, but guess what. packing up my life and moving again.

11:52am: new. old!

6:17pm: it's how 1pm sun looks like 10am sun. and how i despise the wet sand on the roads and how it's impossible for me to stop shaking. ITS SO FUCKING COLD. it's shopping for all things and sweatpants. hazelnut lattes and white m&ms with gray letters on it. it's all this, just leading up to summer. start counting.

4:40pm: it all started with pictures over spanish because the teaching doesnt do it for me. it lacks something bigger. running away from someone and standing in the hall after the bell for no reason. phone calls to my mother and "let the office deal with you now". so much for passes. school on saturday and credit appeals. sweatshirts stating that you are grumpy and offices with the lights OFF. 1&3 why not 2? no fun friday nights and 8am with curly hair. jessie. charles i believe. massive marker fights and unnecessary anger. like always. no humor where it is need and true life. communism and film paper. at least that is interesting. why did the font get big?