I am digging through the pantry looking for some healthy soups. Trying to scrounge up varieties of foods I can eat so I don't pig out.....and I hold a can of chicken noodle soup and of course think about him, cause everything leads to him.
I wonder if he remembers 2 days before valentines day when he was extremely ill and I came to his house with chicken noodle soup, crackers, his requested flavor of gatorade and I laid behind him on the couch and held him close while we watched "Into the Wild". He held my hand up against his chest, up against his heart. And I nuzzled my face into the back of his neck. Even in his sickness, so gorgeous. We ended up having sex multiple times throughout the night, his fever breaking in what seemed a passionate primal healing. The next day he felt 90% better. I got his son up and ready to head home to his moms. On with life.
And Valentines day came the next day. Came and went. Nothing. Not a hello. Not a goodbye. Nothing.
I wonder if he remembers. - Some day I am going to be loved.
Some day I'll be the one that forgets all about him.....some fucking day.
i wonder if he knew i was paying 50$ a month to sob to a stranger and hopefully get over him, if he would still invite me places and believe in our future.
ha. i'm drowning.
ha. i'm not going to get into nursing school. I have so many cards stacked against me. I am so fucked. and the only reason I care is because of what people will think. Not because I want to be a nurse that bad!!! hmmm, lightbulb.
shit. what the hell am i doing with him, with this life....
mostly i think the new anti-depressant is kicking in. and it just feels so good to step back and realize in nearly 2 weeks i haven't been hungover, sleep-deprived or feeling like i'm carrying around an acidic bowling ball in my stomach due to lack of boyfriend giving a shit. all things i lived with constantly in the 2.5 months with him. i have been sad, tired, and mopey, but otherwise surviving. and making plans. plans to be the person that gets what she wants and deserves.
i haven't talked to momma judy at work in the past 2 weeks. in 1hr i had to explain everything that has happened with said boy. her facial expressions alone were priceless. i truly believe if i gave him another chance, she'd lose all respect for me. - slightly depressing that the only exercise i get is masturbation. thighs:sore.lameness - rockstar - my mom and i do not struggle financially but we tend to live on ramen, sierra mist, and wheat thins. just an observation as i keep splashing ramen juice on the screen.
today alone: i want to tell him that we should have been listening to more black rebel motorcycle club together.....and a bunch of new bands instead of just holding onto old playlists. i want to send him a picture of my snowboard from highschool that he made fun of me for not getting rid of. (it has a falcon in flight on the bottom) love....tattoo.... i want to send him a pic of my fortune from cookie. "the greatest generosity is detachment"
man that makes me laugh. we attached. me as a leach and him who knows. i think i didn't give him enough credit for how much he was really there with me in the relationship until now. but he wasn't telling me, he was telling others and sometimes he'd slip and tell me how he had told his mom something about our future or whatnot.....i was unaware and i like to be aware of being loved i guess. guess it's needy.
guess it's attach ment
i was starting to let go slowly because lately i've been so sick and when your body feels like it's been pummeled and everything makes you want to throw up. your little heart pumping with ache just doesn't fucking matter. but he texted and here we are again. this longing.
and i was staring at this picture of him kissing me on the forehead and i swoon and then i realize i want to be someones only love. not in their lifetime but in the future i want to be someones ONLY. he still loves her. and he's allowed. i just know i want more.
and tonight i want to tell him so badly nothing but i miss you. - lab final tomorrow. not ready. - i'd also like to say please feel free to take a step to my right and jump off something. thanks. have a nice day.
some nights you know you're going to go to bed sobbing as soon as the covers hit your shoulders. as your nails dig into the extra pillow next to you, you know it's going to be smells, and cold, and brain spinning.
so you sit awake staring blankly into the blue glow of the television, occasionally furrowing your brow, working on progressive wrinkles before you're 30. the ones that say you didn't smile enough. you're a fucking asshole for being so negative all the time. furrow. frown.
such a productive day. i bet anyone would have thought, awww she's moving on. she's gonna be ok. but most of it was worry and breathing exercises. and faking it. and bad mouthing him in my brain. and making excuses for myself.
'planet earth' is on in the background. planet earth. where did i come up with this definition of what my life is supposed to be? a million others and i am locking myself in. torture. get married. have baby. get fat. think less. talk even less. cat tied to a stick that's driven into frozen winter shit
i have spent a lot of time pushing away my family because I felt I never fit in. felt i was the outsider, so I rebelled against their tidily pressed clothes, name-brand tags tucked neatly into the collars.
something about finding adrian. something about meeting this boy who i fit so well into this square with. finding what I thought was exactly what was missing in my life. this person to accept me.
then to have this boy hurt me. belittle me. mock me. WHAT? mindblowing, how can we be the same person, but I seem to disappoint him more than my polar opposites.
well, i spent thanksgiving forgiving him. hoping to grow a little and maybe find a way for the two of us. but later i sat across from my family. my sister and i sitting in the same room for the first time in months. we sat there. no drama. no fancy fluff. i was still in work clothes. kids in pajamas. and i realized these are my people.
how many years have i have been running in fear, afraid to fail them, afriad of their judgment I had put on myself. what a BS waste of time. but today is a new day.
tonight I went to my nephews christmas concert. i sat with my family and we giggled and there was this moment.
and these moments are indeed bigger than drunken nights with a beautiful boy. pretending i'm a rockstar, pretending i've been found and i am finally loved.
i am loved, i believe.....and most importantly i love.
god i love. those two kids. those faces. those eyes. the words they ramble. certain quirks that are exactly like me. because we are blood. and yeah.
I am in love with my family. -
Time to go pick up the beautiful boy at the airport and just not care what baggage he has brought home this time.
I have me. I'm pretty great. And I have them. bonus.
tonight after work, I found white roses on my truck with a card. the white roses had been covered in polk a dots then wrapped in strings of the same color.
the card smelled of his cologne and said "Michelle, when we first met I agreed with you that roses are indeed "typical". Since then my outlook on life has changed. Solely, because of you. Roses may be typical but not our roses. This is truly something special and I cannot believe how lucky I am to have met you. You have already changed my life and woken me from a 10,000 day sleep. Thank you so much for being kick-ass."
later i had to discuss when i was going to be able to see him because he has two kids, two different moms, two different schedules....
i am so sick of having to uncover strength within me to just enjoy something wonderful. I get that its life. Just so head over heels and scared and my heart is hurting in fear.....
I am right on track to apply for nursing school in March which if I get A's this semester sets me for acceptance to nursing school next fall.
Rock on. I was so psyched. I can get A's in these classes. If I work my ass off. And I have control over that. I love things I can control for my own future.
I rode my bike there and then rode over to my work (a gym) (no I don't work out right now) and I walked in and a trainer who might as well shoot rainbows out her ass says "You're working out!!" me:" pfft, no" I'm riding my bike around town" But I know they talk about me, the chubby girl, the only one who works there that doesn't work out. And then pity me. the way she said it was like "oh you used the toilet all by yourself, here's a cookie!!" bah
Why? Why do I always have to have a job that test my insecurities. I could control this also. Start working out. I don't want to. So get over it Michelle.
I love being on my bike though.
I have really bad pigment blotches from the psoriasis I had a few months ago. I hate it. I look strange. Vanity is wicked. And I have gained a whole new understanding what it must be like to have anything that people stare at when you walk by. These blotches get crazy dark when I get overheated, while riding bike or working out. It's really sexy.
I was supposed to go camping with Jeff this weekend. But we are both struggling with people not helping us cover shifts. ALthough we are always covering everyone elses adventures. People suck.
I am going to have my bachelors in nursing in 3.5 years. I am going to have financial freedom. I am going to have the ability to have any adventures. I am ok.
it feels like i am drowning. again. no cure. i quit shit thinking "yeah this will be it" no I am sitting in anatomy class for the 3rd time in my life and quite honestly I am a snob, but a meek nymph. I want to say I have seen patients with all of things he has described and maybe say no that's not how it happens. But I don't. I just relive these moments in my life where I saw people dying, where I saw people whining, where nothing else mattered but the fact they or their family was reaching out to me. And I tried with the best I could.
I am broken.
I broke a rule tonight and wore jeans to work. Nice jeans. Nice shirt. THe owners daughter wears nothing but. We are going to uniforms with nice jeans. But I got called out. (why do I always feel the need to rebel)
I just finished a book:
I haven't been stuck to fiction for a while, but tonight I finished this at work. And someone could have snuck up and attacked me. I wouldn't have known. I was in the world of these horses, this girl who sees everything, knows everything of what is happening to her family. And just wants to matter. to exist. for her dad to see her. Really All that matters is the fact in the story so many horses are hurt.
I get so sick of being the joke to anyone I know for hurting for animals. For loving their eyes. For loving their personalities. FOr as the book says wondering where the god is for these animals.
Funny I don't believe in a human god. So I say. Not that I know.