Tags: 2007


Eve was framed.

I overslept and am contemplating skipping my ballet class. On the factual basis that my calves are on the road to major injury. And on the personal basis of being drained and needing some catch-up time. This is OperationHealth. It comes down to the fact that I'd have to leave in ten minutes to make barre and my hair is not brushed, my bags are all jumbled and my coffee is fresh. And who wants to jump into Cecchiti barre after running in the cold? Not I.

I'm coming into something special, it seems that in examining the very minuteness of my life, my workings, my world over the past year I've managed to take a big step back and see how full a life can be. (And for all the bumps, bruises and empty bank accounts, decided I am so grateful to live this way).

Of interesting note in my life currently:
1 - Went for a job interview in Woodside this week. Walked in and they were ready to hire me on the spot. It was a teaching gig, developing the program's curriculum, etc. Good stuff. But they needed a time commitment I can't give due to, of course, that dangling bachelor's degree. Apparently I write a mean cover letter and apparently, I'm a worthwhile educator. I can say this simply because the brief interview came down to this: "Right now we have Alvin Ailey teaching and they're just about done here and we need someone to take over".

2 - I am working as a "guide" in Nancy Bannon's The Pod Project
(www.thepodproject.org). This is incredible on a number of levels for me. Most importantly, it's showing me that there is a strong community of artists here that I feel like I've been welcomed into, over and over again even, that do things because they need to be done. Because they should exist. Nancy's work is also making me feel much more secure in this "performance art" stuff. Mostly because, that label, that genre-title carries such harsh late70's/80's art-stigmas. But this isn't any of that. It's successful because everyone there is intent on the work but not on themselves. It's incredible to meet successful artists who don't hold themselves higher than other artists (let alone, you know, the entire human race). Nancy is pretty incredible. And Natalie Desch, with whom I took class last fall is involved and she, well, is my hero.

Last night was the first press performance, and though I've had the fun task of being on the look out for critics at shows, it was a completely different experience. The one-on-oneness of this is making my head run and leap like mad with ponderings on humanity, in general, and whatnot, but adding an entire group of people with notepads and cameras into this just really mixes it all up. I'm totally grateful for this, and so proud to be a part of it.

3 - My literature class is a grad-seminar, basically. With a nice mix of smart undergrads and graduate students, led by a professor I adore. We are reading the Bible and classical Greek works and basically, tracing the Western world's thought, aesthetic, linguistic history through themes in those works and how they've been weaved in and out of our history. The reading list is in-progress and ridiculous, from Dryden to Lacan to gender studies. It's really incredible, I'm really looking forward to getting some good writing out of this course. I'm also hoping that Professor Perskey adopts me as his grand-daughter. In an intellectual way.

4 - I have no real job. This is becoming an odd trend in my life. There are new postings in the past week, so I'll be responsible and do a round of resume/cover-letter emails this morning. Thus making my missing ballet class productive.

5 - I am in love. And am totally, completely blown away by all I'm learning, have learned. It's hard to find the words for it, my grateful heart.

6 - I am working towards collaboration with some visual artists here. This is going to be fun - looking at some performance/art work, some photography, painting ... really looking forward to seeing where these new contacts take me.

7 - I'm studying Anatomy.and.Kinesiology with Susan Hefner, a pupil of Irene Dowd. She's quite close to her actually. I appreciate the perspective of the work, and feel like this may lead me in the direction I need to go in for my own health. I'm hoping to take courses with Irene after the semester, or at least attend whatever workshops, seminars, etc are available. Susan runs a clinic I'm interested in too, so these could all be those missing elements. Hearing Susan say "This work will enable you to know yourself and become less at the mercy of medical institutions" made me quite happy. Grassroots anatomy, oh yes.

8 - Speaking of which, if you're a dancer-folk in New York, the Harkness Center is doing free injury prevention assessments at the NYU Hospital for Joint Diseases. 212-598-6022.

... I am at the point of believing that as of now, my life is completely in my hands. That, I can and will be fine, better than fine, and able to do what life asks of me, and get what I ask of it. In you know, those bigger, metaphysical, metaphorical ways. Self-help-booky as this is sounding, its important to say.

This Emily Dickinson poem has been with me recently:

Gratitude -- is not the mention
Of a Tenderness,
But its still appreciation
Out of Plumb of Speech.

When the Sea return no Answer
By the Line and Lead
Proves it there's no Sea, or rather
A remoter Bed?


Life beckons!
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"I bought my hat for way too much money at a designer's market downtown.

I bought my hat for way too much money at a designer's market downtown. Oh, lord, I have fallen to the tragically hip, it's true."

Second cup of coffee, Saturday morning, Otis Redding and Patsy Cline singing with me. It's cold out. I make a damn good cup of coffee. In queens. There are worse ways to be unemployed.

Decided that 2007 is all about fighting the good fight and winning. Slowly earning my own badges in personal battles -
attempting to win back my health (this is looking like a hundred years war);
accepting acceptance - mostly of the following: trust, physical love, friendship, all the stuff inbetween - you know, saying yes to the good things that come along. not are you sure?;
getting my academic self back on track;
accepting my acceptance of this very unbeaten path of life --> like so many before me, so many beside me, i will be out of work, underpaid, struggling probably, for a job that i feel comfortable getting money from/not feeling enraged about not being paid enough. hello, degree in dance and poetry? you'd think there was a mandatory seminar called how to live on a little something of nothing:the life of the trying. BUT really. this is so worth it: i am working something like 14 shows in 12 days, dancing in the bowery (thanks kristen!!), hanging press on my walls, laying on studio floors and rolling around, looking at the world through a consistently changing view (literally). it is better this way. i just really don't want to be a waitress.
and finally, truly, just dealing with my head/heart. one day at a time. no extraordinary allowances and no guilt either. who i am is what i've come from, through.

Oh, California. Was amazing. I am - madly in love?. No question mark. It just catches me off guard sometimes. And sometimes I'm still kind of confused why he loves me. Pictures coming soon, etc.

---- I am happy.

Very close, most times. This is okay, this is a really good place to start, and most importantly, tossing out the it should have's, the it's supposed to be like ...'s, all those conditionals, because life happens, and the best way to write your book is to live it first, then write it. not the other way around.

I should shower, and get some work done.

I have my eyes on some festivals and residencies for this year. And I really love what I do. All of it.

Oh, and you should read:
Marie Howe and
Donna Masini

(because I love them both).

My Dead Friends

I have begun,
when I'm weary and can't decide an answer to a bewildering question

to ask my dead friends for their opinion
and the answer is often immediate and clear.

Should I take the job? Move to the city? Should I try to conceive a child
in my middle age?

They stand in unison shaking their heads and smiling-whatever leads
to joy, they always answer,

to more life and less worry. I look into the vase where Billy's ashes were-
it's green in there, a green vase,

and I ask Billy if I should return the difficult phone call, and he says, yes.
Billy's already gone through the frightening door,
whatever he says I'll do.

[Marie Howe]