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it's just not worth it.


[i'll miss a lot of you. bye for now.]


comment&maybe i'll add you...but maybe not.

tonight: went with jessica&mike to the 80s social@the backdoor.

it was a FLOP. psh. it's a little hard facing the fact that we're getting so old. the younger generations are taking over nyack. and we're like the grandpas in the corner. i saw more like 13 year olds dirty dancing than i can handle. ew.

but i did get to eat free pizza&take pictures.

80s social.Collapse )

so, despite all these happy pictures... i'm totally losing it.
i can't be here anymore.

after i got home from nyack i was just in a bummedout mood because there was nothing to do and noone to play with. and then my mother comes home drunk. ugh.
my mother doesn't drink. and my father is an alcholic. and she would fight with him every time he was drunk. which was pretty much every day. and that's the (main) reason they got a divorce. because of the drinking. and she fucking comes home drunk tonight.
and i understand... people need to deal with things in different ways. but if you're going to do this don't fucking flaunt it to me like it makes you cool.
don't you dare fucking do that.

i could hear her&my brother talking when she got home. they were laughing and bonding because he was drinking too. but he's also a fucking robot so he doesn't care about anything. &he can laugh with you and talk about your night out. don't expect me to do the same.

my mom is constantly trying to get me to feel bad for her. i don't. at all. she's done so many horrible things to me over the years. it really sucks to know that if she wasn't my mother... i wouldn't ever talk to her. she's not someone i would want to talk to. she always makes it seem like she really cares about me. but i've dealt with it long enough to know that everytime it goes back to her. and then i realize it was all about her the whole time.

so anyway. blah. she started nagging me&yelling at me about anything&everything. i didn't do a damn thing wrong. i don't know why she was yelling at me. i was just sitting there. trying to zone her out so i wouldn't a)cry or b)smack her.

everything is about money with her. she's so materialistic. i can't fucking take it. she was repeatedly saying that i was grumpy. and then telling my brothers&my brothers girlfriend the same. so fucking irritating. i told her that i did the dishes for her and put them all away. because i never do anything around the house and i figured she'd be happy. and it just turns around to... "well they weren't even my dishes. i probably only used two of them. you're grumpy. i bought you flip flops&a tank top. remember? i'm the one who bought you those things and you're going to be grumpy to me?"

it's like the time about a year ago that i was really losing interest in life. and she met with my therapist. and she said "i always bought her everything she wanted. i don't understand why she's so sad."

she doesn't get it. ever.

fuck this.

so anyway. i just needed to leave. and i wanted more than anything to drive up to newpaltz. though it's kind of impractical... i was going to anyway. but dave&jaime weren't online. and i'm scared of phones. so i'm still here.

feeling a little better. probably just because she's asleep. i need to get the fuck out of here.

my eyes are so fucking heavy. everything&anything has me bursting into tears. sharp noises, door slams, phones ringing, anything. my emotions are just pouring out all over the place.

it sucks when you can feel the tears just there. waiting to come out. i never know whether to try to hold them in or to try to get them out. either way it sucks&is pretty fucking painful. i can feel it in my entire face. i don't like it one bit.

oh man. i didn't intend for this post to end up like this.

i made two new things.
i made this tonight:

eh. whatever.
and i made this this morning.Collapse )

i wish you were around.
i wish i wasn't alone right now.
i need to go smoke.
tonight i will wear my polka dot&pompom socks.


i am so bored.
i made one skirt. i messed it up at first. it's okay now. but it doesn't look how i wanted it to. i'll deal.

i attempted to make a pizza but we had no cheese.

all i ate so far was two cookies. i'm a hungrybunny.

i did the dishes.

i napped for 2 1/2 hours.

i dropped a glass and it broke all over the kitchen. i sweeped up what i could and i didn't feel like vacuuming. i put up a sign that said "wear shoozies i dropped a glass." my mom is going to kill me. psh.

i'm so bored i'm looking at pictures from the movie awards and remembering what i loved&hated.
there's some good shit.
if you're bored you can look too.Collapse )

errr... i'm a little embarassed i just did all that. someone save me.

what the eff is everyone doing that noone is online and/or updating their journals to give me something to look at.

tonight is the gaystraight 80s social or some shit at the backdoor. i will be attending with my favorites mike&jessica. they can both be my dates that way i'll go as gay&straight. booya. i'm excited for the people i will see.

i'm fucking delirious.

.+3.Collapse )

noone to talk to.
nothing to do.
i'm out of here.

i should go cut my stencils.

bye. <3.

close your eyes. i'm turning on the light.

bad things:
-6 a.m.
-month old dirty dishes.
-sports cars.
-people who don't like feet.

good things:
-the leader of the pack by the shangri-las.
-hashbrowns from mcdonalds.

i never posted these. they're from newpaltz last week.

newpaltz.Collapse )

i've had so much on my mind lately. i can write that a hundred times. i might never write what i'm actually thinking about.
just stressing out really.

the yeahyeahyeahs on the movie awards last night was a huge disappointment. amazing song. amazing setdesign. amazing band. poor sound. poor performance. atleast that's what i thought.

-finish washing dishes.
-design tree/girl stencil.
-cut dino stencil.
-make two skirts.

possibly 80s night @ the backdoor tonight? jess. keep me posted babycakes.
and also... come cuddle with me.

.+2.Collapse )

i've been up for too long already and it's too early. i think i will go nap until noon.


i think about you all the time.

the dmv is a miserable place. i got my picture retaken. i wasn't ready. i think it's going to be bad news. the bitch didn't let me see it. so. we'll see when it comes.

i also am 1 inch taller and i get excited. molly is 1 inch shorter. good stuff.

breakfast. i had nummy nummy frenchtoast. woo! it was so good. yay.

drive by honks&hellos are fun&sometimes mysterious.

i hate this. my brother smokes cigarettes on the porch. the smoke blows right up and into my window. the fact that my fan is on and my desk is right in front of my window makes for a very grumpy me. cigarettes are the pits. ew.

so i have 99 coments on myspace. psh. who's going to be number 100? if you think you can handle it, it better be damn good. okay the race starts now. my myspace profile.

oh and if you dare write something like "i'm the 100th comment i win." i will rip your face off and delete that shit. psh.

i love ani difranco. crazy amounts. mmhmm. you should too. and if you don't, you're not listening hard enough. or you're dumb.

last night i had a bad dream. with liz and heather. i hated every second of it. months later and that shit is still bothering me. probably just because i got back some pictures yesterday. from the boston trip. blah.

it's already 1. i have to be in nyack at 3. i still have things to do. i didn't take advantage of this week like i should've.

vanity.Collapse )

i actually think i will take a nap for an hour. eff life.


things that make me happy:
1// Auto response from dav eys ect u al: it is hard not to adore you
2//modest mouse lyric meme.Collapse )


tonight is lonely. maybe it's the weather.

i've been trying to fall asleep. and i can't. because it's too damn hot.

complain. complain.

hey. is it saturday yet?

sat outside for a while tonight. it feels nice. went to bobby's baseball game. hungout with molly. got a milkshake. got wet soaked from the rain.

tonight i broke your heart again. i never mean to. it's the absolute last thing i want to do. i can't wait for the day that everything is just. calm. you say you can't play "the friend". but that's all i can offer. i need that to be enough for you to be in my life. i despise the fact that it's not.

flies keep attacking my computer screen. it's driving me crazy.

tonight is for suckers.

i think i'll go sleep in the basement. it's cold down there.

eff this.


i need you more...

hot.sticky.gross.eww. i wish my a/c was hooked up.
i'm such an a/c girl.

i'm being such a lazy bunny. i got home at about 4 and have refused to go out. i just want to sit around. my little brother has a baseball game at 8. i think i will stay home until i go to that.

today i went thrifting with erin&jess. yay.
and i got the ultimate coolest thing ever.
check out this pillowcase:

fucking rad. i have big plans for that pillowcase.

thrift.Collapse )

i really have to get going with my packing stuff. well because i have to unpack all these millions of bags. and then repack them. boo. the goal is to repack them with alot less stuff.
i haven't talked to monica at all and i've only talked to kanya the tiniest bit. this worries me.

something you should know about me: i almost never answer my phone. i am all sorts of bad at phone things. i always wait for a message before i call people back. my voicemail is like my security blanket.

i'm stressing out.

this is probably more for me than you...
the next week.Collapse )

i told my mom i'd go to eckerd for her. i can't forget. eep.

i can't believe i've been home for a fucking month already and i haven't seen drew at all. i can probably never put into words the effect he has on me. the effect we have on eachother. even if you think you get it. you never will. i actually haven't seen him since april 11th. his birthday. so i have to see him before i go back to newpaltz. definitely.

after prom:

after prom.Collapse )

i've typed a lot. i should stop.

i need to make a dentist appointment before my teeth fall out.

today is okay.


hardnot to adore (6:31:33 PM): so i got dave to agree to sit around in a giant pair of underwear with me.
hardnot to adore (6:31:35 PM): hes good.
oh heroine chic (6:31:39 PM): hahaha
oh heroine chic (6:31:44 PM): what a keeper
hardnot to adore (6:31:48 PM): for real.

prom: volume three.

this morning. it is hot&stuffy in my bedroom. this does not make for a happy wakeup.

yesterday 5 people asked me to make them stencils. this does make for a happy me.

chlorine pool hair=no good.

today i am meeting my jessica moose after she get out of work to go thriftinggg. so yay for that. and hopefully erin too. yay.

i am superbad at getting the bullshit done. you know. like cleaning my room or opening any of the bags from when i moved out of my apartment. i've been wearing the same clothes since i've been home. because i don't feel like emptying any of the other bags.

i was hoping to fit all my dresserish clothes holding things under my bed. so i wouldn't have to get a seperate dresser that will take up even more room. but i don't know where to find something that will raise my bed that high? the only risers i can find raise it like 8". and then the next thing above that is getting like a loft bed. but i REFUSE to climb a fucking ladder to go to sleep. i get out&in bed wayyyy too much. blah. what can i do that will raise my bed like... 2 feet? (i pretend i know how tall 2 feet is).

wanna see the cutie floorplan i made of me monica&kanyas new housie?!?
floorplan.Collapse )

we also got lots of free furniture from this dead guy. is that wierd?

i miss ryan more than i probably miss anyone. take that.

so two fun things for today.
#1: my beautiful friend deidre went to the prom in a 100% duct tape dress. and she was on the front page of the paper today:

she is way awesome. and on june 18th voting begins so she can win this scholarship. so i will repost about it and you ALL better vote for her.
#2: so my friends dad signed up for queer eye. and they did a follow up interview with him. and then a second one. and now he's going to be on the show! they begin filming july 18th. this is all sorts of exciting. i wonder if all of the longo kids will be on it. oh man. the more i think about it the more excited i get. i love that show and seeing friends of mine on it will be way exciting. i know want to look for a picture of the dude.
the best i could find.Collapse )


i think ryan pfluger is cupid. for real. and i love him for it.

i am starving. i didn't realize how late it is. it's already 1:13. i should leave in 20 minutes. that means getting up and getting dressed now.

i uploaded all the prom/during/after prom pictures yesterday. there's too many and i'm being too lazy to post them. sorry.

actually. maybe i'll just do it and get it over with.

prom.Collapse )

okay. after prom picture will have to wait until later.

bye now.

what're you thinking?

today. was a nice day. up at 10:30.

stenciled. biked. swam. ate. smoked. stenciled. smoked. ate. home.

good times. i like being outside a whole lot.

night times are all sorts of lonely.

and for some reason my internet on my computer in my room decides to die every night around 8. and not work until the next morning. it's pure suck. i should call those jerks at verizon. or something.

i made myself promise that i wasn't going to go back up to newpaltz again until i moved. but... i'm doing a whole lot of missing and it's no fun.

blah blah blah. hello dumb mood.

okay i can't sit down here anymore. it's the pits. i'm going upstairs to my no internet hot stuffy room.

this post was pointless.

i will dream about you tonight.

oh yeah.
and i miss flo.


i repeat: night times are all sorts of lonely.