Tags: honesty is the best policy

liseux

trailer park and ride

Some days, I wish I didn’t have to go out because I am unable to control my moods anymore. Halfway today, I really just wanted to curl up and cry. The next moment, I feel like I have too much energy. But at least I’m concentrating on something.

Today I painted A and R’s new place. It’s a new place. 新家. 小窝. Regardless of what you call it, it’s a home only because someone made it out to be one. I thought of how close we were to making our own version of a 家, and I tried to push it out of my head almost as quickly as it entered. But it stuck and wouldn’t fly away.

家。[名词]:不是屋子,不是冰箱,不是电视机,不是塞满购物的空间。

On the way to dinner, the three of us walked through a dark alley and A reached out for R’s hand immediately and walked closer. Walking from the back, I thought, how goddamn lucky is it for two people who understand each other to be together? It was such a moment, I really couldn’t help but smile. Despite all the prickly growing and boundary pushing that hurts sometimes, it counts for something in the end. I was so sure that I would be jealous of seeing something I do not have, but I surprise myself sometimes. At the end of the day, there are some people whom I love so much that as long as they’re happy, it’s hard for me not to be happy too.

But there’s my version of love where I love far too much and it transforms into an obsessive, psychotic version of a fucked up feeling - possibly bordering on hate - that does not make any sense to me anymore. I have it reserved for some people and I think that’s holding me back from building up my own version of a 家.

家。[名词]:是感情的港湾。

我就是什么都没有。