Unhappiness and discontent is the creeper vines that curl up quietly against your heart to suffocate and overwhelm it. It is the thin, long fingers that softly and briefly hold and nestle your heart at first and then continues to seemingly carry it out of the dark. But it doesn't. Instead it squeezes me tighter and tighter.
Unhappiness and discontent is the unacknowledged child that lingers and stays at the back of your mind to remind you. It is their quiet mien that unsettles your heart.
On some days like these, it feels very tempting to run back into the arms of another man so that he can catch the sadness that flows out of my mouth or fill the empty spaces our bodies create.
Maybe I can be better than this.
I just want to remind myself that if the people in your own home can hurt you, there is no reason why the people of this world won't or can't. If the people in your own home can dig out past hate, grudges and unfounded accusations, there is no reason why the people of this world won't or can't. If the people in your own home have voices that linger in the dark, that can can pierce through the dark silent nights and can creep up on your self worth, there is no reason why the people of this world can't and won't do that. If the people in your own home can throw out loose words, there is no reason why the people of this world won't or can't. If the people in your own home can call you insulting names and degrade you, there is no reason why the people of this world can't and won't do that. I just want to remind myself.
I was sitting in the cab on the way to work this morning and it started pouring heavily. Mmm, I wish I were in bed there and then. I wish I were in your bed, under the covers, toe curling, head tucking, body forming.
Woke up at 630 - 1 hour before schedule, half an hour before my alarm rang. I was slightly hysterical and I kept trying to calm myself down to get back to sleep (because I slept at 430). But now I know that the more I try to force myself to sleep, the more nervous and the more awake I'll get. I force myself to sleep because I know if I don't, I will struggle with the next living day, but ironically, my body pushes itself further and further into consciousness that I eventually just lie in bed alone, chewing my nails off.
Funnily, I've been dreading the weekends so much because I have a fixed routine to follow. Going to sleep for a while before I drive myself to paranoia and suspicion.
On some days, I'm inclined to believe that I may be too intense and flighty for people to handle; I have to throw a veil over myself just so I don't go over the top. On some days I yearn for someone to recognise me for who I am, but other days, I believe I just am holding back the intensity and passion that only you have and can see. My brain is buzzing with activity: with answers that refuse to flow out of my mouth, with words that refuse to be written simply because I detest having to respond. The past 5 hours have been filled with Doctor Who, lots of coffee and an immense amount of hate and resentment that I think, surprises me. I believe I need to step out of this, but sometimes, perhaps, maybe, I think I just like it this way. I like it this way.
All that happens is a blur and a dream. I like it how we've killed off something worth living for in a night's foolishness and brashness. It's been 8 months and I don't think I have fully gotten over this plethora of feelings. The majority of me wants to go back there, but you won't allow that anyway. I'm nothing after all.
A sad playlist for a sad day; here to last, probably.
F.T. Island - 사랑하지마요
李心潔 - 爱错
王菲 - 乘客
Paul Weller - You Do Something to Me
蔡健雅 - 假想敌
Takashi Kobayashi - Sight
M83 - I Guess I'm Floating
Smashing Pumpkins - Galapogos
Broken Social Scene - Da Da Da Da
Broken Social Scene - Lover's Spit
The Album Leaf - Twenty Two Fourteen
Björk - Bachelorette
Björk - All Neon Like