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hello! [01 Sep 2004|08:37pm]
I know it has been a while since I have posted, and I apologise, I have been on holiday in the south of France for the last couple of weeks (yay for camping). All of those of you who were on my friends list, I hope you haven't deleted me, I am sorry for being so inactive and disorganised in not saying where I was going. Should be posting on here a lot more within the next coming weeks, what with moving out on Sunday and going to College next week; it's always great to share those kinds of experiences with people (especially those dwelling in the depths of cyber-land).
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Apprehension [15 Aug 2004|10:20pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Something held me down that
Urged me not to get out of
That bed.
Dusty Sheets.
I couldn't escape from the
Truth that day,
And I was telling myself,
Rather, Screaming at
That I was not capable:

"Couldn't handle it"
"Can't hack it"

So now all I can listen
To are the sounds of
Normal life.
And all I can see
Is my own self-deprication.
Don't want to look
Through that Mirror
So I smashed it:
Got rid of the pain,
Got rid of the anger,
Got rid of self.
I didn't understand why
The tears trailed
Down from
Watery eyes that day,
So it gets classed as

"One of those things"
"One of those days"

Vague expressions
I have grown to hate.
Uncontrollable tears in
Pitch-black nothing,
Empty nothing,
Cold, stark nothing.
I was the last being alive,
I told myself,
But I don't want to feel
That way anymore;
Blood had already started
To freeze within my
There wasn't much
Else than my selfish
Utterings that day.
And yet I still seem to
Incoherently exist
(Coherence was thrown
out of the window
in '97, I had no use
for it anymore).
Oblivious to times when
I wasn't
This way
(Call it happier, call it
sedated, call it what
you want).
I look back to those
As well as the few
Minutes previous to
When I thought the
World would
Again. Can I
Control the retrospect
I look upon? Or should
I control the way I
Feel today?

3 comments|post comment

An eye full of charcoal [02 Aug 2004|10:24pm]
[ mood | creative ]

Sunset turns moon-rise,
And the feeling of grass growing slowly
Around my toes.
I didn't really mean to over react in the way that I did;
Things just get all too tense sometimes...
All too real.
The grazes on your arm
Match those strewn across my broken bones.
I'm sorry for dragging you over that cliff with me.

I hope that I haven't made the stars stop shining.
I didn't realise how
Beautiful they were.
They shouldn't go to waste on someone like me.
If only you had better friends to turn to,
You wouldn't have to come to me.
You wouldn't have to listen to the
Ranting and
Useless words that
Slip off my fingertips
Into the sea.

Rain settles the fire
And the smoke
Twists and curves up into
A watercolour sky.
Epic manoevures,
Choreographed by wind and storm.
I hope they cool those burn marks,
Hot irons that branded your name next to mine.
You wouldn't want that now;
Guilty by Association,
The mocking laughs that
Stole the colour from your eyes.
Glazed over,
Almost charred,
Showing the hue of components that are deeper within.

Blue velvet sky turns red
In mourning sunrise.
Reminding me that I never had the chance
Grazed arms will heal over time as you forget that I existed that day,
Or ever.
But scar tissue will always remain.

2 comments|post comment

Pretty Vacant [29 Jul 2004|08:35pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

Yes, I haven't posted in a while. Mainly for two reasons; laziness and work. Plus the fact that I haven't really been able to write about anything. I hope the article (written ages ago I must add) made an impact on someone out there. Maybe it didn't, so therefore it is my loss for posting it. And I also hope that a lot of other people out there agreed with it. I would be good to know that there are people somewhat like me who thing somewhat like I do.

On a completely different note (maybe D, it's a happy sounding note) I got a letter through from college today, telling me about open days and induction days and course descriptors for the subjects I am doing. My English course looks really great with all the texts we are studying, so does History too, as I get to chose exactly what I get to do for the internally marked coursework. I am really looking forward to college even more now; this letter coming through the post this morning made me realise how close it is until I go - only a matter of weeks. I am really looking forward to it, yet really nervous for some reason, but the prospect of making new friends and being at a new place on a new course is really exciting. Now I'm just crossing my fingers and *hoping* that my GCSE results are good! Another happy thing at the moment is that I get to go out tomorrow night - finally! It's been so long since I've gone out properly and had some fun. I am so glad I managed to wangle that time off work....

I really hate the way I am talking about all this; I sound like I am practically middle-aged, talking about how much work I am doing all the time and how I never really have the time to go out and see Matt or any of my other friends. It sucks. I am but a mere youth, I should be going out this summer and having the most fun that I could possibly have, seeing as I have left school and am going to college in September. It seems nuts I am always going on about work. But, on the other hand, work = money and money = being able to have some fun. These fucking double-edged swords, I am sick of them!

1 comment|post comment

Acceptabilty in Society - an article by me [26 Jul 2004|09:33pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

What do people in the world today define as "socially acceptable", and who dictates what is and what isn't?

These are questions I have been wanting to ask for quite a while now, and naturally, I haven't really been able to find a plausible answer; just.. observations really. Everywhere you go, in cities, towns and even villages, images of beauty and fashion, subliminal messages about the way we should dress, think, walk and talk are bombarded around billboards, in magazines and dominating over traditional cultures and ways of life. Whatever people perceive to be in fashion or even politically correct at the time is most likely dictated by opinion of the media and the people we interact with around us. All this, of course, is up to the individual's interpretation, but somehow we all seem to be manipulated by the human nature of the environment and community around us at some point in our lives. I am not saying that I have never succumbed to this mild form of brain-washing, because of course I have. The thing I am essentially asking is why more people don't realise what's being happening through the television programmes we watch, the newspapers we read and even our daily journeys to work and centres of education. Fine, this isn't some kind of George Orwell world, with the "Thought Police" overlooking and protecting you from what to think and what not, and the whole "Big Brother is watching you" attitude; but you can see what he was getting at can't you?

The most unfortunate thing I have seen from the world of media manipulation is what it is doing to people my age. Teenagers who read their teen versions of Cosmopolitan and Vogue; seeing the cover girls have their hair a certain colour, dress a certain way and are airbrushed profusely to give the highest degree of what is thought to be "beauty" at the time. I have had friends who's lives have been dictated by what colour's "in" at the moment and what "look" is the best for them. Is it Rock Chick or Summer Princess today? Is it floral patterns or stripes? Do these accesories fit with my outfit?

I remember a couple of years ago being in this kind of obsessive fashion world; just so that I could look cool, be essentially what the media says is right for me.. and gain popularity from peers in school. I never really was the most popular person in school, and now I am not looking like what other people want me to be, I am even less so. It may sound drastic, but this kind of mental conditioning really is taking away some poor people's individuality, as well as being severely out of pocket from the changing fashion in brand names and looks. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder to me, not what Elle Girl! dictates to me, and I can look perfectly gorgeous without any make up on even though Sugar magazine says that no make up is a "no go area" when around members of the male gender.

In some of the areas around where I live, it has gotten to the point where the "trendies" and certain peer groups of people will hurl abuse at other people who aren't "the way they should be". People labelled as "goths" etc. are considered to be Social Rejects, and even a lot of the time, the labels and boxes people are put into are completely wrong. I have myself been at the other end of this abuse, I myself have been critisised for the way I dress, the music I listen to, the piercings I have and many a time I wonder why. It could be people's own insecurities to be "fashionable", jealousy, but it could be because some little subliminal message somewhere has told their minds "look, this is what is fashionable, acceptable, anything else.. you must hate". Again, seems drastic. But this is the whole purpose of the media today; not necessarily to report the truth and inform and induce discussion, thought and debate.. but to manipulate.

Unfortunately enough has even spread so far as to tell you what political idealisms are correct; biased newspapers against the gonvernment and no real coverage of any debates so that you can decide for yourself, these things are told to us. Propaganda has been running rings around countries in the world for probably thousands of years, persuading people to even support people such as Hitler. I suppose in a lot of respects, my political standing is left-wing, not radical but maybe, and where I live, the generation I am growing up with is quite conservative in the way they think. So naturally, I voice my opinion and get called "Commy". How pathetic is that? Not even a debate about the issues lying around what we think, just a split second and a one syllable hurled across a classroom. I have been asked why I support socialism and some of the more "radical" things that I do, because Communism is evil. A political theory, evil? I do not even support Communism; okay, so maybe in theory it is quite a good idea, but it hasn't been known to work has it? And why? Not because of the theory itself, but because of the people in charge. If people ever say things like that to me I say, ever heard of Stalin? Do you really think I would support him?? Nazism and the Aryan race theories were evil yes, but that was because they were just theories of racism and discrimination.. not an actual political theory. Desperate times called for desperate measures and so on... extremism thrives in those conditions.

Despite my rather long and boring tangents I have gone off on; my standing on this kind of issue is still there. I respect those that break the mould, those that think outside of the box, and refuse to be sucked into the kind of vortex the media holds us down in. Individuality is a virtue, who you are you should love and be grateful for, you have been put on this Earth to be you, and only you. False guises set out for you, pass by them. What Bliss magazine says to you, you don't have to follow; it isn't a life or death situation whether you wear green or pink or flourescent orange really. I hope what I have written makes sense to those who are reading it, and I wish you all the luck in today's society. Being acceptable really isn't everything.

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Mental Block [26 Jul 2004|11:54am]
[ mood | blank ]

Seems that I have run out of a lot of things to say on this journal. It always seems to be the case with me; I start of writing lots about completely nothing.. and then it all seems to run out after a couple of weeks. Seems like my spurt of verbal diarrhoea has ended. But I won't give up, there must be something up here that I can find to talk about (whether it bores you to death or not is not the issue at this point!).

I think it has already got to the stage where thesummer holidays have gotten completely boring... ALREADY! My attention span has ceased to exist now that there's nothing to do for a couple of days. I will be going out on Friday hopefully; I'm desperate to get out of this place (as well as the fact that it is one of the few weekends that I don't have to work), and soon I will be camping in Newquay with Laura, Ross and Matt. But that depends on the four of us getting our arses into gear: not likely. I'm really looking forward to going to college in a few weeks time now, and so I might focus my attentions on that; getting stocked up with supplies etc. Ever since I have left school, all the equipment I have owned seems to have completely disappeared. Mental note to self: I must try to find the black hole that seems to be lurking in my room. The weirdest this is, is that my room isn't going to be my room really anymore. I am going to be living somewhere else. Did I tell you that my grant came through for my accomodation, so that is it all paid for? I probably did, so I apologise for repeating myself. But I have nothing else to talk about do I? So yes, all my accomodation is now being paid for (getting it free just rocks) and I also get paid for transport to and from home at the weekends (that is, if I want to go home at the weekends; seems unlikely!). I just hope I get the grades - does crossing your fingers actually work? All it seems to do is give me cramp!

I might start posting some articles on here. Some articles that I wrote ages ago on topical issues that I feel strongly about, and my opinions voiced on them. That way you can potentially comment on them and get some sort of debate going. I am a very bored young person, and so I need to give myself at least something to do!

5 comments|post comment

Followed the yellow brick road home from Emerald City [24 Jul 2004|02:56pm]
[ mood | hyper ]

There really is no place like home. Own bed, friends, being lazy. It's all good.... plus the use of the internet :)

Yes people, I am back, much to your dispair. London was fabulous, saw lots of sights, did lots of shopping in good old Camden Town ("I'll meet you by the underground"), and ate the most brilliant food (pancakes at My Old Dutch = yum!). As well as that, we walked practically everywhere, so a lot of exercise done, and a lot of calories burnt. I think I have finally dispelled my laziness.

Also went to see Faranheit 9/11 by Michael Moore. Brilliant film, I must say, but a lot of the facts that are exposed about the Bush administration are shocking beyond belief. If I have one piece of advice for you American LiveJournallers out there it is this: Vote Kerry and get Bush out of office. I trust in you people, really I do (seeing as Gore really won the last elections anyway). I admire people like Moore though. He has the guts to go out and say these kinds of things and expose the things that need to be exposed. Things such as the US Patriot Act, which in my opinion, reeks of dictatorship on the part of the Bush Administration over a democracy. It resembles the Enabling Act that Hitler made after he gained power, and effectively turned Germany into a totalitarian state. So thank you, Mr. Bush, for turning your country into one that resembles an old Nazi propaganda film. You have certainly done wonders for your country!

Ok, so, political rantings aside, I am really getting fed up with work too. They give me stupid hours to work that in effect pay me hardly any money, as well as wasting valuable hours of free time. I am so glad that, when the summer holidays are over and I move to Truro, I will not have to work in that God-awful place again. Split shifts are amongst the worst things in the world when you are a teenager, and want to have but an ounce of a social life. But hey, I'm just a little country-bumpkin, I should have no social life anyway; I live in the middle of nowhere!

It feels so..... liberating to have a good old moan. I apologise to those who have had to read it, as, in actual fact, I am rather happy. Come to think about it, I am happier than I have been in quite a while (and that really is a big deal for me). I have had a brilliant trip to London (home) recently, been hanging out with friends, making the thoughts in my head known to people here online, and generally having a good time (apart from those factors which slightly piss me off now and again). I may not have done much, but I also feel as sense of accomplishment. My application for my residential grant for college has been accepted, so I will be able to live where I was planning to in Truro, and everything is pretty much paid for, so until results day, it's plain sailing for my summer holidays. I just bloody well hope that my results are fairly decent ones, otherwise that's the college course I wanted to do out of the picture! If only I had a pair of those damned ruby slippers - but for now I will have to click my heels together and hope for the best without them.

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London Calling... [19 Jul 2004|12:51pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Well that ittle challenge I set up was a huge non-success! I expected that one coming, but thanks to kennedy_bowman for contributing. That kind of stuff is always appreciated. Never in the world did I know that the dot above the "i" is called a tittle but there you go. Everyone's always learning until the day they die, so why not speed it up? "You learn something new every day".

I'm actually quite excited about going to London tomorrow. Like I have said before, it's like home, and I am a lot happier there. Plus I got paid the other day so I have plenty of money to spend and plus my boss has given me the night off tonight (I need a good night's sleep as I am getting up VERY early tomorrow morning). So all's pretty cool at the moment as far as things go.

Well, my friend Matt is coming over soon too, so there's something else to do. It's all very well and good wasting time, relaxing and doing nothing in particular, but it's never very fun when alone. So I have company that hasn't been my parents for the first time in days. Only a short entry then today I am afraid, and nothing very witty/random/crazy to talk about. Maybe I should keep these entries more short and sweet anyway; I tend to babble and it's not like anyone really reads this crap anyway!

3 comments|post comment

Easy like Sunday morning (more like bloody boring!) [18 Jul 2004|12:55pm]
[ mood | creative ]

I would really like to break out of this routine. I think it might be driving me crazy. My life, at the moment, is just a cycle of routines; go to work, come home, be bored, sit around listening to music all day. I will be thankful of the day when I can get out and do something, something interesting or something fun. Maybe even something that prevents me from being on this computer for a substantial portion of my life. I know it'll all really kick off in a few months, but unfortunately I don't own a fast-forward button on my life. So monotony prevails for now.

As well as this, the only time I really decide to put on the television, and GOLF is everywhere on a lot of the channels. Pardon me for being a tad picky here, but golf has got to be one of the most boring sports ever created. Although, sometimes, it is rather fun to just blatently take the piss out of everything about it; especially the terminology and, in particular, golfer's names. For example: "And Davis Love III drops a shot to make a bogie on the 13th hole". I don't know whether it's just me, but phrases like that, which are commonly used, just crack me up.. not to mention the fact that somewhere in the world there have been three generations of this Davis Love character.

Ok, yes, maybe I do get so bored (bored to tears a lot of the time) that I find these kinds of things funny. Maybe I lack a certain type of brain stimulation, so all I can do is laugh at everything and anything that is remotely amusing. But when there is nothing else on this planet to do (especially on a rainy day, and those are common in fair England) it can be the difference between sanity and insanity. Though I think I am already lost to the world of the insane.

Talking of the insane, have you ever thought about why the insane are called the insane, why they are labelled that way? Maybe they are slightly crazy in our eyes. My theory is that some so-called "crazy" people are the real sane ones, maybe have the gift to see things that we can't, or think of things at a much higher level than we do. Maybe they have some higher connection with a powerful being/energy/spirit/thing, call it God, call it what you want. There's something that some "insane" people know that we don't in my mind, and I would like to find out what it is. And anyway, going back to the subject of labels, especially in light of this rather durogatory term, it is probable that any apparently "sane" person could be insane, deep down. That kind of thing could happen to any of us, so I don't understand why people have this stigma against the mentally ill, are even afraid of them. Fine, you can get some people who could be a danger to themselves or others, but that is the minority of cases. I'd like to understand more about our psychological make-up, how and why people think the way they do and what motivates them to do certain things. Then again, I want to find out about anything I possibly can. I am one of those kinds of people who is interested in everything.

So, a challenge to those of you reading out there (if any of you actually read this at all or if you are as bored as I am at the moment): Find or tell me a really interesting/strange/meaningless fact that I probably wouldn't know. Don't use one of those generic ones that everyone knows like "you eat a total of 8 spiders in your sleep in a lifetime"; I want something either extremely weird or extremely cool, or extremely factual (because facts tend to be factual). I don't expect many people to reply, so surprise me (or not).

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The Lost and Found Department [17 Jul 2004|02:29pm]
[ mood | geeky ]

She knew she had reached
The end of the road;
That look of distain strewn
Across bloodied face.
Phosphorescent glimmers of
The most certain of endings
Scattered tracks of winding,
Delicate footsteps.
Whispers and echoes of
Perpetual sorrows, emmiting from
Fading coral lips,
And the acidic flow of
Salted tears,
Streaks corrosion on the
Most beautiful of faces.

Contemplating the task ahead.
Overwhelmed at first,
Then her mind-set slowly
Unflawed metamorphosis.
Her mind gently slowing;
Smiles streaked across her face.
Oil on canvas.
At peace with herself,
At peace with the world.

Lying on a ground that
Now felt like velvet.
With sharpened edge in hand,
Signifying most certain
And driven through supple
Flesh and crimson life-blood.
The mind slowing,
The muscles unwinding,
Tension fading and flowing
Out of youthful body,
Wisened mind
And beautiful soul.

And a whistful
Floating on the infinite
Of her last breath.

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I need sanctuary in the pages of this book. [16 Jul 2004|10:04pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

I think I am going to wear my glasses more often. For the one reason that I can actually see better! Well isn't that a revalation? And also it looks really disjointed with the style of clothing that I wear on a day-to-day basis, and I always like to have some kind of quirky contrast. Quirky can tend to be my middle name. Although, seeing as I technically have no name, it isn't really a "middle" name as such. So you can call me one of two things now; _noname, or quirky. Whichever suits my mood I suppose. Or whichever you decide as the bigger insult to throw at me (I tend not to be liked very much if you haven't guessed already. That is, if anyone bothers to read this damned thing). If I had a camera (digital or the like) I would put a picture on here. But I don't at the moment, so tough.

I thought that maybe it's time I start posting some of my poetry on here or on Popcorn_and_ink. I have been writing a lot of them recently, so maybe it's time they got put on here to show people what I can do. After all, if I want to be a writer, it's probably a good thing that I let people see what I write now, maybe establish myself in a select group of people's minds. That way, maybe I will get the confidence later on in life to see people about publishing work and seeing whether what I can produce can enter people's lives through book shops or newspapers.. or anything really. I would like a chance to be known, to make an impact on people's lives, however small or large. Whatever difference I make, at least it would be some sort of a difference.


You're dead to the world.
Mind, body and soul
Lost to the desert,
Arrid fiction.
"One more fix and you're gone"
Yet alarm bells mean nothing
To decaying flesh.
Stuck in some
Frozen universe;
Signalling the birth of an
Oblivious chemical

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Perpetual Nightmares; ARGH *tears hair out* [16 Jul 2004|04:30pm]
[ mood | relieved ]

What a day. Decided (for once) to open a letter from the bank. And it told me about these direct debit payments for AOL that couldn't be taken out of my account as I had insufficient funds to do so. Thought "hmm this is strange", especially seeing as I am not signed up to AOL, or am signed up to any service to do with direct debit payments. So I phoned the bank, cancelled the payments, and then phoned AOL to see what was going on there. Apparently someone had signed up with my details at another address. *ALARM BELLS* rung in my head and they said report this to the bank as a possible fraud :S. So I did, and by the afternoon I decided to take the banks advice. I went into the bank and got a new account. The card should come through next week sometime. So frustrating that all this had to happen... as well as the fact that someone had stolen my bank details so that I could pay for their fucking internet service. And I had to go to the trouble of doing all this (as it was just slightly urgent), so I missed seeing my friends off as they were going to the NASS weekend (extreme sports festival). So far, as you can tell, my day has completely sucked (yet again, I hear you say)... but I am just a tad relieved that it is now all sorted and hopefully, if I am careful, nothing like this will crop up again. Now I know and realise the stress of adult banking, and the fact that everything revolvezs around bloody money (well, I had realised that one for a few years now!).

On the plus side (major plus here) I shall be going to London next week with my Dad. Should be really fun. Going shopping in Camden Market (greatest place ever) and going round various art galleries and museums. I always really enjoy going to London, to me, it's home... And it's been a while since I've gone anyway. The other plus side to this whole thing being that I dont have to work for three days in a row.. which rocks basically as work is the most God-awful thing put on this planet. It's money though I suppose and money seems to be so much of an important factor in life. Too much of an important factor in life in my opinion. Other people, on the other hand, would disagree with me there (Bill Gates being one person that would definitely object to half the things I say).

It seems that I need a break from life really anyway. Well, a break from what I call normal life at the moment anyway. Nothing really seems to be going on. I live day in, day out, doing nothing and doing the odd bit of occasional work. Maybe some reading and writing in a dire attempt at keeping my brain active.. and being virtually addicted to the internet. In need of some stimulation for the brain, something to do; and I think a trip to London would do that for me. I hate living out in the country, the middle of nowhere. Everyone who lives in the city seems to call it the "ideal life", lovely fresh air and walks in the countryside. Programmes on television everywhere calling for people who want to "escape to the country". Well I am the opposite (me being the oh so contrary person here), I want to "escape to the city". Fine the air is fresh, but the locals treat you as a complete outsider, even though they themselves talk of city-folk being apparently less friendly. And as for walks in the countryside, that's even less likely. Everywhere you want to go to (even a lovely country walk) you have to rely on a car or a bus to get you there. When I lived in the city, it was the place where I got most walking done, probably to the surprise of many exasperated city-dwellers. And yes, I enjoyed it more too. I hate being stuck in the middle of nowhere. So if anyone is offered to air-lift me out of this pokey little village which suffers from almost permanent grey skies or otherwise, please get in touch.

My name is _noname and I live _nowhere.

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Page of concrete [15 Jul 2004|11:14pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Just got home from work. So you can tell I'm really tired, and anyway, everyone knows how much I hate work so it makes it doubly tiring. I am such a lazy person, full of lethargy and apathy and every other cool word that is a synonym. It all comes part and parcel with being an angst-ridden teenager I suppose. And boy, do I have a lot of angst!? I seem to have had a lot more of it recently though. Being depressed for no reason, pushing people that I love away from me...... randomly hating myself; oh yes, it's all been there. But when you get like that, you wallow for a couple of days, don't talk to people as much as you can, then if you still feel crappy just hold it all in and put a smile on your face. As that stupid song goes "Smile, though your heart is breaking". That kind of shit. I never really keep up appearances, so what is the point, you may ask? Well the point is that many people get pissed off with depressed people, sympathy for the first couple of days (and most of the time that's the last thing I want too, so I just shut up and ignore) and then BANG, and they're all fed up of you. You end up losing more friends than you had in the first place... and even though I don't have many good friends, I realise that it's never a really good thing to be into negative numbers in the friends region. So put on a smile, force it if you have to, and even if you can't manage that one, get rat-arsed. None of this is very healthy, and so I do not advise or encourage it, but then again... that's life isn't it? One huge unhealthy practice!

The only positive thing that ever really comes out of me feeling this way is that my creativity levels rise considerably. Whenever I am angry or depressed, it seems that I write the best poetry (poetry and short story writing is a big thing in my life.. I want to become a writer one day, if I am good enough). Hopefully I will get some stuff up for you to see on this journal and also popcorn_and_ink, a community me and my friend _nimo run to do with the subject(s) of movies and writing (both things we are big on and very interested in). But for now, I feel like going to bed with a huge glass of chilled water, a good book ("Think", by Simon Blackburn) and some obscure music.

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