Rating: PG-13, I suppose.
Disclaimer: Me no own. You no sue.
Summary: Gackt's POV, and mostly inner-monologue. Unrequited love hurts, doesn't it?
“East is East, and West is West, and never the twain shall meet.”
Japanese rock artists always throw such wild birthday parties. And every single other rock artist in Japan is invited. Kyo’s party is no exception.
I hate birthday parties. You may think that this isn’t true, seeing as when I am invited, I always attend them. In all honesty, that’s just me being polite. I truly hate going to birthday parties. They are filled with far too many bad memories for me.
Nevertheless, here I am, standing in the entrance to Kyo’s house. Oh, look. There’s the birthday boy now. I wave and smile politely, and he does the same. “Glad you could make it,” he mouths to me, and I nod.
It is then that I notice Tetsu is with him. Tetsu waves and holds up his index finger, indicated for me to wait one moment. I do so, and he walks over to me, shaking my hand. “Hi,” he says.
“Hey,” I reply, and I cannot help the next words that spill from my mouth. “Where’s Hyde?”
“Hyde?” He looks around a moment. “Well, I last saw him over there.” He points to a crowd of people; among these people are Yukihiro and Sakura. “He might have gone somewhere else, though. But, I’m sure you’ll find him. And if I see him before you do, I’ll tell him that you’re looking for him.”
“Thanks.” I walk over to Sakura and Yukihiro, and they greet me as well, shrugging when I ask where Hyde might have gone.
Oh well. I decide that I will find him later, and walk outside to stand on the balcony. I need to be alone with my thoughts. Just for a little while.
Hyde. I met him at a birthday party. Taki’s birthday party. I was struck at once by his beauty, his grace, and that smile of his. It’s a sin, you know. A man should never be that pretty.
I don’t know how I fell in love with him. Or why. All I know is that one afternoon, while he was at my house and we were going over a few lines, it hit me. I loved this man...from the very depths of my soul, I loved him.
During the time we worked together on Moon Child, and even afterwards, I couldn’t tell him how I feel for him. He’s married, after all. What can I expect from him, really? I think having my love returned is quite out of the question.
The dreams; they’re not my fault, really. I don’t even realize I’m thinking about him when I climb into bed at night. I guess it’s because I’m so used to thinking about him practically every waking moment of my life...so, why should that change when I’m sleeping?
There are dreams that I have in which he’s just holding me, and I’m holding him. Sometimes, we’re kissing, and sometimes he’s just holding my hand and telling me he loves me. At times, things are considerably less tame, and his sweaty body is above mine, thrusting into me over and over again, and he’s whispering my name.
Then, I wake up, and I realize that it has all been a dream. Sometimes, life just isn’t fair.
Even now, despite everything else, I want him to be my first. I know what you’re thinking. Oh my god, you’re a virgin? Yes, I am. My antics in lives and poses in magazines have more than likely made you think that I wasn’t even born a virgin - that I knew what sex was even before I came into the world.
But, no. I am a virgin, and I’m not ashamed to say it.
He knows this, too. I told him one night in Taiwan when we were both drunk.
“You are?” he had asked, and when I nodded, he placed an arm around my shoulders. “You’ll find your someone one day, Gackt.”
The scary thing was, I had already found my someone. Of course, I didn’t tell him that. In his drunken state, he might not have understood it, anyway.
I probably could have taken advantage of his drunkenness. But, I didn’t have the guts, and I didn’t want to lose my virginity when I myself was drunk as well. Besides, Hyde would have woken up the next morning and told me that we had made a mistake. And then our friendship would have been ruined.
When I’m standing within two feet of him, I have to restrain myself because I have the nearly uncontrollable urge to touch him. To kiss him. And he has no idea.
Or maybe he does, and he just doesn’t want to say anything.
He and I...we’re the same. And yet, we’re completely different. We belong in different worlds, I believe. He’s untouchable, as am I. We are two people on different sides, he the East, and I the West, and there is no meeting in the middle, because there is no middle, not with us. There is a door, and it is locked. And I have a feeling it will never be opened. Never will the two of us meet.
That thought is depressing.
But, what can I say? Maybe I have a masochistic streak or something, seeing how I’m in love with someone who will never, never love me back.
Unrequited love...I’ve heard people talk about how painful it is, but I didn’t understand it. I didn’t, that is, until Hyde. He made me open my eyes to so many things. Things that made the world more beautiful to me, and things that brought the weight of it crashing down upon me.
Yes, unrequited love is painful. It is a pain that is nearly unbearable, but I realize that I have other responsibilities and cannot let myself wallow in my misery.
I have fans. I have friends. I have music. I have a life.
But, I do not have Hyde.
He finds me before I even realize it, so long have I been here absorbed in my own thoughts. “Ga-chan?” he asks, and I am broken from my musings.
I turn to look at him, and he smiles. He wraps his arms around me and hugs me in greeting, and I hug back tightly, not wanting to let go of him. “Where’s Megumi?” I ask.
He looks behind him, back inside, then shrugs. “Don’t know. Probably in there talking to some other women or something. Or maybe in the bathroom powdering her nose.” He chuckles a bit.
“Have you had anything to drink tonight, Hyde?” I ask suspiciously, and he blinks at me.
“Oh, no. Just some sparkling juice.”
“Sparkling juice. Right.” I look at him in a sort of parental manner. That look that says ‘don’t you lie to me, or you’re grounded!’. “Sparkling champagne juice?”
“Oh, you caught me. Damn, and I thought I was pulling it off.” He laughs again, and I can feel it warming my soul. It makes the pain lessen just a bit, somehow.
I smile, too, but he knows me far too well. Even when drunk, he knows when something is wrong with me. He can tear down every single defense I build around myself, and he can see through the various masks I wear as well. “Ga-chan? Is something wrong?”
“No, it’s nothing,” I reply, but I know he’s not going to let me get away.
“It’s something. I can tell when you’re upset, you know? You get this look on your face, and you were thinking about something really hard before I came over here. Tell me what it is.”
He has me pretty much pegged. “Really, Hyde, it’s nothing.”
“Don’t lie to me,” he says.
“Yes, you are.”
Our argument continues for a few minutes, and finally, he says, “Ga-chan, we’re friends, right? You can tell me anything. Don’t you trust me?”
I can tell you anything, huh? Maybe it was the fact that he was a little tipsy, maybe it was the fact that I just wanted to know...to make sure for myself.
And at that moment, I take a deep breath, and go in for the kill...
“I think about you a lot,” I say, turning to look at him.
He blinks at me. “What?”
“I dream about you at night. And I can’t help the dreams. It’s not like I want to dream about you, because dreaming about you hurts. You’re never there when I wake up, and I wish you were. That night in Taiwan, when you told me I’d find my someone...I had already found that someone. And it’s you, Hyde. It’s you.”
He stares at me, mouth slightly open in shock. I take this opportunity to step forward and pull him into my arms. Then, I lean down, closing the distance between our lips and kissing him with an almost-bruising force. He gasps when my tongue tickles his bottom lip, and when I slide it in further to explore his mouth, he actually lets me for a few moments.
And then, he pushes himself away from me, out of my loosening embrace, panting lightly.
“I love you, Hyde.”
He is still staring, eyes wide. He says nothing.
“Do you love me, too?” I finally venture.
“No!” he exclaims, without a second thought. Apparently, the pity hasn’t set in yet.
“Gackt...” He darts his tongue out and wets his lips, then shakes his head. “You’re not serious, are you?”
“Do you think I’m playing around, Hyde? Do you think I just kissed you for the hell of it? Do you think I just admitted my feelings to you as a joke?”
“But...I’m...I’m married, Gackt. And you’re...” He sighs, as if searching for the words to say. “You’re my best friend. I love you for being that to me. Isn’t...isn’t that enough?”
I turn from him. The pity has now set in. It’s in his voice, and in his eyes. I do not want to see it. Nor do I want to hear it. “No, Hyde. It’s not enough. I’m forced to sit here and watch you go about your life, oblivious to the pain you cause me. And in turn, your ignorance only causes even more pain. And that part of me, you never see. You know me far too well, and yet, you don’t know me well enough. You know when I am upset, but you don’t know why. You want to know why I’m upset, and when I tell you, you wish you hadn’t asked. Am I right?”
“Gackt, was I supposed to know this? Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”
“Why didn’t I tell you earlier?!” I’m clenching my fists now, forcing myself to calm down. Still, I will not look at him. “Earlier? What good would it have done, Hyde? If you didn’t consider me to be such a good friend...if you didn’t know me as well as you do now, you would have walked away in disgust. Even now, you’re fighting the urge to do so. You want to walk away from me and pretend this never happened. You want to be able to call me tomorrow afternoon and say ‘Hey, Ga-chan! What’s up? You want to play a round of billiards?’ But now you know things have changed, and you’re not going to be able to call me tomorrow. You’ll probably never call me again.”
“I don’t know what I was expecting. I don’t think I was expecting you to tell me you love me back. I mean, why would you? I’m just Gackt. Japan loves me, but you don’t, and you’re the one that counts. You know...I never considered us equals, really. I always saw you as something untouchable, unattainable. I thought maybe, just maybe, if I could be your friend, that would be enough. At least I would hear you laugh and see you smile. But it’s not enough, Hyde. It’s not. It hurts too much. And it’s been a constant pain in my heart for ages now. It’s quite a burden, unrequited love. It hurts like you wouldn’t believe. And that’s why...I don’t think I can be friends with you. Not after tonight.”
He is silent for a few moments after my sudden outburst. But then, quietly, he asks, “Do you mean that? You don’t want to be my friend?”
“It’s not that I don’t want to, Hyde. I simply can’t.”
I hear him scrape his foot on the floor behind me. “Gackt, please--”
“You had better get back to the party,” I interject. “Your wife is probably looking for you. Go to her.”
“Go! I don’t want to hear pity - not from you, Hyde.” My hands are clenching the railing, knuckles turning white.
He comes to stand close behind me, resting his head on my back for a few moments. “I’m sorry,” he says softly, and then he steps back. I hear his retreating footsteps, the sound of them growing fainter with every step he takes away from me.
East is East, and West is West, and never the twain shall meet.
It is only then that I realize I am shaking. Should have known. Shouldn’t have thought it would be any different. I squeeze my eyelids shut until stars dance behind them, but they still burn. I went off on the limb. The limb broke. I fell. When will I learn? Wanting a thing doesn’t make it so. No matter how bad I want it.
I look at the stars, trying to concentrate on their beauty instead of the steady pain pulsating in my chest.
A single tear lands on my hand.
I hate birthday parties.
They’re just full of so many bad memories.
You there, I here
With just this door ajar
That oceans are - and prayer,
And that white sustenance...