Fandom: JRock, L'Arc~en~Ciel
Theme: #26 - If Only I could Make You Mine
Disclaimer: No, I don't own them. Do not sue me.
Summary: Yuki never was the type to be a sore loser. *Points to the theme number* Does this sound like it should be happy to you? No? I didn't think so either. Well, it's NOT happy. *Pets Yuki* Fourth 30_kisses challenge.
Yuki, unlike Hyde, had never been the type to be a sore loser. Whenever they’d play videogames together – when he played videogames with almost anyone, actually - Yuki would usually win. When he lost, however, he took it with stride and didn’t say a word about it, other than to acknowledge the other’s victory.
Hyde, on the other hand, would sulk and pout after losing. The vocalist loved videogames, but often he wasn’t very good at them, Yuki had realized. Currently, he was sitting with his knees drawn up to his chest, his controller tossed aside. A small pout had formed on his lips and his forehead was wrinkled into a scowl. “You suck, Yuki-chan.”
Yuki chuckled, setting his controller on the floor and leaning over, gazing into Hyde’s face, although Hyde was currently apparently refusing to meet his eyes. “Yeah, well, I won. How does that make me suck, hmm?”
“It just does,” Hyde replied, his gaze sliding to the floor. At the moment, he was reminding Yuki of a five-year-old, and he was absolutely adorable.
“How about I let you win next time, then?” Yuki offered, running his fingers across Hyde’s cheek, smiling as Hyde closed his eyes and leaned into the touch.
“No.” Hyde opened his eyes and finally met his gaze, still pouting a little. “That wouldn’t be fair and it wouldn’t be fun knowing that you let me win.”
“You just need to get better at this game…” Yuki trailed off, gazing at Hyde’s rather large collection of videogames. “…At every game you own, and then maybe one day you’ll beat me.”
Hyde wrinkled his nose, finally stretching his legs out, reaching for Yuki in apparent defeat. Yuki wrapped his arms around Hyde without question, dropping a gentle kiss to the top of his head. “You’ll lose to someone one day, Yuki-chan. Maybe not me, but you’ll lose and you’ll sulk, too.”
“I’m not a sore loser like you,” Yuki teased, barely refraining from whimpering as Hyde pushed him back a little, straddling him and wrapping his arms around his neck.
“You’d be a sore loser if you lost a game you really wanted to win,” Hyde replied, slowly and deliberately grinding his hips against Yuki’s, and this time, Yuki did whimper.
Yuki didn’t give a second thought to those words as he leaned in closer, pressing his lips to Hyde’s, flicking his tongue across Hyde’s bottom lip and nearly sighing in blissful satisfaction as Hyde opened his mouth to him.
Perhaps he should have taken those words into deeper consideration instead of momentarily forgetting them as soon as Hyde’s lips met his.
About two weeks later, Yuki knocked on Hyde’s door, surprised when he was not met with Hyde’s smiling face, but Megumi’s. “Ah… M-Megumi-san,” he stuttered, completely dumbstruck for a moment. What was she doing home? Why had Hyde invited him over, knowing full-well that his wife was there?
Megumi’s smile brightened. “Hello, Yuki-kun. Haido told me that you were dropping by for a visit today.” She was wearing a lilac-colored dress; it looked nice on her and showed off her figure. “Won’t you come in?” she asked, stepping aside and motioning inside.
Shaking his head as if to clear it, Yuki kicked off his shoes and stepped inside. The house seemed a lot different with Megumi there. But, the house hadn’t changed at all. Megumi’s presence made it seem less large and empty and more cozy, as it should have been. Inwardly, Yuki chuckled bitterly. Little wifey here to make sure everything is okay. “I hope I’m not intruding,” he said softly as he made his way more fully into the living room, Megumi following behind him.
“Of course not,” she assured him. “I was just making dinner and Haido was—oh, there you are Haido.” Yuki glanced at her, at the smile on her face, and barely kept himself from wincing. He never liked to see the way Megumi looked at Hyde; she looked at Hyde the same way he looked at Hyde, and that was something that he could hardly stand knowing.
Hyde was in the middle of the living room floor, playing peek-a-boo with his and Megumi’s daughter, smiling and saying ‘boo!’ every time he removed the small pink cloth from the front of the baby’s eyes. He turned to them, standing and hefting his daughter into his arms, and his smile widened. That smile wasn’t for Yuki, though. It was for Megumi. All for the wife. Yuki’s heart wrenched painfully in his chest, but he tried his best to ignore it. Hyde would be paying attention to him soon enough, right?
“I think she’s trying to walk,” Hyde said proudly, kissing his daughter on the forehead. He crossed the room, not even looking at Yuki. Instead, he pressed a gentle, loving kiss to Megumi’s lips, pulling back and laughing when Megumi informed him that he had gotten her lipstick on his own lips. How could Hyde do that to him? Right in front of him like that? Yuki felt his hear wrench again and he closed his eyes briefly, trying to remind himself to stay calm. Megumi was Hyde’s wife, after all. And Yuki had nothing to be jealous about, right? Yuki was just as much a part of Hyde’s life as Megumi, right?
“We have company, Honey,” Megumi said sweetly, taking their daughter from him. “I’ll go put her down for her nap, and then I’ll finish dinner.” She turned to Yuki, and Yuki tried his best to smile politely down at her. “Would you like to stay for dinner?” she asked. “There will be plenty.”
This question was unexpected. Yuki knew it shouldn’t have been, since Megumi had always been a polite woman. “I suppose if you don’t mind me staying…” He trailed off, fidgeting a little.
“Nonsense!” Megumi pinched him lightly on the arm and turned back to her husband. “Wouldn’t it be okay if Yuki-kun stayed for dinner with us, Haido?”
Hyde’s gaze slid from Megumi to Yuki, and Yuki bit his lip when the smile on Hyde’s face faltered just a little. “Of course Yuki-chan can stay and have dinner with us. It would be fun.”
Not like I haven’t had dinner on several occasions with you anyway, Yuki thought, but he did not dare speak his thoughts aloud. The other times he and Hyde had eaten together, Megumi had never been there. With Megumi there now, Yuki felt somewhat threatened, even though he knew he shouldn’t. After all, this wasn’t his house. It was Hyde’s and Megumi’s, and no matter how much Yuki tried to forget the most important truth of all, he couldn’t ignore the fact that Megumi was Hyde’s wife. That was one thing that wasn’t going to change, no matter how much Yuki wanted it to.
“Let’s go into the studio,” Hyde suggested, leading Yuki down the hallway as Megumi headed upstairs, cooing softly to the baby girl in her arms.
Only when the door was closed behind them did Hyde step into Yuki’s arms, kissing him deeply, desperately. “I almost forgot you were coming today,” he admitted sheepishly.
“Yeah, I noticed,” Yuki replied, sliding his arms around Hyde’s waist in a loose grip.
“Sorry,” Hyde said, burying his face in Yuki’s chest. “Lost track of time… not used to Megumi being here all day, I guess.”
Yuki inhaled that wonderful scent that only Hyde was capable of having and possessively tightened his hold on the vocalist, pulling him even closer. “Yeah…” For some odd reason, on the inside, he felt frantic and panicky. He was holding these emotions just below the surface, just out of reach so Hyde would have no reason to question if anything was wrong.
But something was wrong. With Megumi in the house, Yuki felt like he had to struggle just to keep up with her. With Megumi there, what they were doing now felt very, very wrong. And with Megumi there, Yuki felt like he was being pushed away, even though the woman had done nothing but be polite to him. Yuki had pushed himself into their home knowing that he wasn’t part of Hyde’s family, and never would be. Megumi’s presence only served to remind him of this.
Was he playing a game that he had absolutely no chance of winning?
Maybe… maybe that’s why he felt so awful inside.
He had no time to consider these emotions any further however, as Hyde stood on tiptoe and pressed his lips ever-so-gently to his own once again. “I know we’re supposed to be working on the music for our new song, but…” The shorter man trailed off, gesturing towards his television and Playstation. “Want to play a quick round of Tekken before dinner’s ready? And then afterwards, we can work on the song.”
Yuki found himself grinning even though his stomach was tying itself into knots. “Sure. Get ready to have your ass kicked again.”
Hyde laughed, turning on the television. “We’ll see.”
Yuki suddenly wondered why Hyde was only able to laugh freely with him when Megumi wasn’t around. But he couldn’t be bothered to ask as Hyde tugged on his arm, demanding that he grab a controller and sit down already.
Yuki won, of course. Not surprising in the least. But now, he was quite bored as he sat on the chair, drumming his fingers together, waiting as patiently as possible for Hyde to announce that they were going back into the studio to work on the song.
From the looks of things, that wasn’t going to happen for a while.
They had eaten dinner already, and currently, Hyde was sitting on the couch, flipping through television stations. Megumi was curled up beside him, her head on his chest, and one of Hyde’s arms was wrapped securely around her waist, holding her close. They were laughing and having a quiet conversation, one that Yuki couldn’t hear – not that he wanted to hear it anyway. It would probably only make his stomach churn and his heart feel like it was breaking.
But that’s what was already taking place, wasn’t it? His heart was slowly being broken, and the longer he sat there in that house, the more broken his heart became. No matter how tight he held Hyde when Megumi wasn’t there, it didn’t change the fact that Megumi existed, that Megumi was his wife, his family. Hyde belonged to her. Hyde would never belong to Yuki, no matter how much Yuki loved him or wanted him. Megumi filled a space in Hyde’s life that Yuki could never even hope to touch.
It was then that realization struck him like a bullet: This was a game that he was rapidly losing. He was losing and there was nothing he could do to turn the situation around; there would be no ‘bouncing back’, there would be no last-second victory. He would not – could not – win this. Perhaps he had known this all along, he had just been too blind to see it.
For a moment, he was glad that Megumi had been home today, because had she not been, he probably wouldn’t have realized just what was happening until further down the line, and he would’ve only been in more pain had this dragged on the way it was now.
He cleared his throat, about to say something; what he was about to say, he wasn’t quite sure, but he had to say something… make an excuse and go home, because there was no sense in sitting in this room, watching Hyde and his wife as they cuddled on the couch together. There was no sense in Yuki struggling to win something that he couldn’t win, not anymore.
Hyde turned to him, clearly puzzled, and Yuki searched his mind for words, for something to say. He opened his mouth, words about to spill forth.
Upstairs, a baby’s cry could be heard. Yuki snapped his mouth shut and shook his head, forcing himself to smile. “Baby’s crying.”
Megumi started to get up, but Hyde tightened his hold on her. “Stay here,” he said softly. “I’ll go.” Wordlessly, his wife nodded and sat back down. He slowly slid his arm out from around her and stood up, his eyes flickering to Yuki’s for one brief moment before he turned and headed upstairs, leaving Yuki and Megumi alone in the living room.
For several moments that actually felt like hours – maybe even days – Yuki sat fidgeting in the chair, hoping that Hyde would come back downstairs already and take him back into the studio so that he didn’t feel so damn uncomfortable. Megumi made quiet, polite conversation with him during this span of time, but he wasn’t really listening, even though he made it seem like he was by nodding and smiling every now and again.
When half-an-hour had passed and there was nothing more between the lover and the wife but silence, Yuki cleared his throat and stood. Megumi made to stand as well, and although Yuki shook his head and told her that she didn’t have to get up, she did so anyway.
“Is something wrong, Yuki-kun?” she asked softly, her soft brown eyes seemingly holding genuine concern – concern that he did not wish to see, not in his rival’s eyes.
“Nothing,” he replied, smiling politely. “I should just… I should probably get going.”
“Didn’t you and Haido have some work to do?”
Yuki shook his head, turning and making his way toward the door. Megumi followed, and he barely refrained from telling her to just go away and leave him alone. Enough had happened to make him miserable tonight – his emotions had fucked him over, and he had realized that Hyde would never truly be his, not like he wanted… because Hyde was already very much spoken for.
“We’ll worry about the song later,” Yuki told Megumi as he opened the door and stepped out, putting on his shoes. Megumi stood in the doorway, holding the door open and leaning against the doorframe. “Tell him to remember practice is at three Thursday afternoon, though, okay?”
Megumi nodded slowly. “I’ll do that, Yuki-kun.”
“Thanks,” Yuki replied softly, sounding not quite like himself. He dropped his voice even lower, so that when he spoke, even he could barely hear the words falling from his lips. “You’ve won.”
Megumi wrinkled her nose and leaned out the doorway a little, closer to him. “I’m sorry, Yuki-kun, what did you say?”
Biting back the urge to repeat those last two words, he wisely said: “I said goodnight, Megumi-san.”
She smiled and nodded. “Goodnight, Yuki-kun. Have a safe trip back home.”
“I will.” He lowered his head in a gesture of both politeness and defeat before turning away from her and heading for his car.
He was dry-eyed as he climbed into the car and feeling strangely empty. Is this what it felt to lose a game so important as the one he was playing? But, didn’t he know from the beginning that he would be the loser when all was said and done?
He shook his head and turned the key in the ignition, not really wanting to think about it anymore.
Thursday night after band practice, Yuki lay wide awake in his bed, a thousand thoughts running through his mind, and none of them were good. Hyde lay beside him in a peaceful slumber, the fingers of one hand holding the bedsheets in a gentle grip.
Why did I have to fall for you, Haido-chan? Yuki wondered as he rolled over onto his side, leaning on his elbow and pressing gentle fingers to Hyde’s cheek. Even in his sleep, Hyde smiled and nuzzled against his fingers, making Yuki’s breath catch in his throat at the wonders of the beautiful man laying beside him.
However, Yuki knew he couldn’t do this anymore. He would have to let Hyde go and move on with his life. Tonight was the last night they would ever kiss each other - ever touch each other again, outside of a friendly hug or handshake. And though it was killing him on the inside to know this, he also knew that it was for the best. There was no point in continuing to play a game he knew he had already lost, anyway.
No point at all.
Slowly, he leaned down, pressing his lips to Hyde’s ear. “Haido-chan? Haido-chan, wake up.”
Seconds later, those deep brown eyes blinked open and gazed at him. Hyde smiled, reaching out to pull him closer. “Yuki-chan… Mmm… what’s on your mind?”
Yuki tucked a few stray strands of hair behind Hyde’s ear, feeling his hands shaking and knowing that Hyde would notice it, too. “You’re not mine, Haido-chan, and you never will be.”
Confusion spread across that beautiful face. “What, Yuki? I don’t under--”
“Megumi’s your wife,” Yuki interrupted. ”You have a family, and I can’t take you away from that. You’re happy with her and you love her… I don’t know how in the hell I’ll manage to fit into this, into your life, in the future.” Yuki took a deep breath, glancing away from Hyde’s face as he continued. “There is no long-term, not for us. I just don’t see it happening, and I won’t sit here and just be content with being your lover on the side when I want more; so much more than that.”
Hyde gazed up at him, not speaking at all for a little while. He did raised his hand, his fingers brushing over Yuki’s lips and down to his chin, turning his head back to him so their eyes met. Finally: “I want to give you forever, Yuki-chan. I want to be yours, I do…”
“But you’re not mine, and I’m sick of sticking with this game, knowing that I’ve lost already.” Yuki bit his lip, feeling the rope beneath his feet quickly unraveling. He knew there would be no one there to catch him when he fell.
Yuki pushed himself away from Hyde and sat up, rubbing at his eyes. “Please, Haido-chan… get dressed and go home, okay? We won’t be doing this again because it hurts too much. It hurts too much to know that you’re not mine, knowing that you’re only like this with me when no-one else is around…” He trailed off, closing his eyes tightly and waiting for Hyde’s weight to leave the bed.
He suddenly felt Hyde’s hands on his shoulders, Hyde’s lips on his neck. “Yuki-chan… you can’t mean this… You know how I feel.”
“I know that,” Yuki replied as he shrugged away. “I know that, and you know how I feel. That’s partly why it hurts so much. So, just… just go, okay? And I’ll see you at band practice tomorrow. There won’t be anymore hurried kisses while Tetsu and Ken aren’t looking, though.”
“And our song? We were working on it together, Yuki. It’s ours.” There was a desperate tone in Hyde’s voice, and Yuki was trying his absolute best to ignore it.
“You can finish it on your own,” Yuki replied, knowing that he was coming off as cold and heartless, but knowing that it was necessary, knowing that it might be the only way to make Hyde leave.
After a long silence, Yuki finally felt Hyde’s weight leave the bed. He didn’t bother to turn around as he heard the rustling of clothing; he only turned when Hyde cleared his throat.
“So this is it, then?” Hyde asked, looking helpless and lost as he raised his arms in an empty sort of gesture. “We’re through?”
“Yes.” Yuki turned around fully, gesturing toward the door. “This is the way things have to be, Hyde. Now, please go. Please.”
A single tear slid down Hyde’s cheek, and Yuki would have given anything to be able to kiss it away. “Goodbye then, Yuki-chan,” Hyde said softly as he headed for the door. Yuki watched him, his heart breaking in two all over again as Hyde’s hand touched the doorknob.
Just before Hyde opened the door, Yuki called to him, knowing that he was making a huge mistake by doing so, but not really caring at the current moment. “Haido-chan, wait!”
Hyde paused, his hand still on the doorknob. He turned to Yuki wordlessly and very slowly, tears still pooled in those dark eyes.
Yuki held out his arms, blinking back tears of his own. He forced words past the lump in his throat. “Kiss me.”
Hyde crossed the room in a matter of seconds, bending down and pressing his lips to Yuki’s. The kiss was not at all one of passion, it was one of desperation. They clung to each other tightly, and Yuki never wanted to let him go, but he knew that he would have to. He felt wetness on his cheeks – Hyde was crying again. That only made Yuki cling to him even tighter.
Eventually, Hyde broke away from the kiss, gazing down at him. “Yuki, I--”
“Please don’t say it,” Yuki interrupted. “It hurts enough already. Just go now, Haido-chan… okay?”
Without another word, Hyde pulled out of Yuki’s arms and crossed the room once more. He didn’t pause to look back as he opened the door and exited. He shut it gently behind him, and Yuki was left alone.
Minutes passed. Yuki kept expecting Hyde to come back, to tell him that he would be his and his alone from now on, but he knew it was an empty hope. He knew Hyde would never do that to his family… would never do that to her. Yuki simply couldn’t compete.
Yuki nearly gasped in surprise when he felt a tear roll down his cheek, and then another. More followed, and he lay back down, clutching at the pillow, little sobs working their way out of his throat.
“You’d be a sore loser if you lost a game you really wanted to win.”
Hyde had been right: Yuki really was a sore loser, after all.