Kagome (_newworld) wrote,

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If I Knew Then What I Know Now - Non-JRock, Loveless, Soubi/Ritsuka

Title: If I Knew Then What I Know Now
Author: Kagome
Warnings: Sexual content (mild…ish), general spoilers.
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Soubi/Ritsuka
Disclaimer: Standard disclaimer applies.
Summary: “I wish I could have known you when we were younger.” If only Ritsuka knew back then what he knows now. Contemplative. Sweet.
Comments: I hope I balanced Ritsuka’s niceness and his general frustration and stubbornness. XD I love writing him. Hope you enjoy. For nova_sunday, the Soubi to my Ritsuka, just because. ^_____^ <33333

If I Knew Then What I Know Now

“I wish I could have known you when we were younger,” Ritsuka says from his position on the couch. He’s sitting beside Soubi, close, but not quite touching him.

Soubi sets his magazine (which he doesn’t seem to be all that interested in anyway) on the coffee table and looks at Ritsuka curiously. “Hmm?” he asks, tilting his head just slightly to one side and brushing his fingers against the backs of Ritsuka’s knuckles. “How young?”

Ritsuka’s cat ears flatten against his head and he glances up, again noting Soubi’s definite lack of that which signified one was still a virgin. “Before Ritsu,” he breathes, now reaching out with trembling fingers to trace over the scar of a name that is not his. “Before Seimei--” (and here he pauses for a moment because even though he’s a little older now – fourteen – and he’s come to terms with the things his brother did and with the consequences of them, it still hurts to say his name sometimes), “—before you met him.”

Before either of them ever touched you; before both of us were forced to grow up long before we should have. Granted, Ritsuka still has his ears and tail—he’s still innocent in that sense, but nearly every other aspect of childhood was stolen away from him before he even had the chance to fully appreciate them.

Soubi smiles, touches Ritsuka’s cheek, and Ritsuka unconsciously leans into the caress. “Let’s see,” he begins, pausing, remembering, “I was stubborn as a child—always getting into trouble for one thing or another. I never listened, and I was moody and quiet a lot. I don’t think you would have liked me.”

Ritsuka raises an eyebrow and then rolls his eyes, shaking his head. “And that’s different from how you are now? You never listen. You’re stubborn. You’re--”

Soubi leans in and kisses him, and Ritsuka has a strong suspicion that it’s simply to make him shut up (and it works for a moment), but it’s a nice distraction all the same.

“I would have bought you ice cream,” Soubi says fondly when he pulls away. “Would have walked with you in the park and held your hand.”

“You do that now,” Ritsuka lightly protests. “I don’t think things would have been much different, in that sense.”

Soubi brushes Ritsuka’s bangs away from his forehead, leaning over again and pressing his lips against skin, right at the bridge of Ritsuka’s nose, and Ritsuka goes cross-eyed due to trying to watch him.

“And when I was twelve and my parents died,” Soubi continues, talking about the past now (the transition isn’t exactly smooth, but then again, it doesn’t really have to be), “what would you have done? You would have been four—too young to understand the permanence of death.”

Ritsuka frowns, and then replies, “I would have shared my ice cream with you and held your hand.”

Soubi smiles again, a little wider, and pulls Ritsuka close. “You’re impossible,” he tells him, and then his smile fades and he gets a faraway look, like he’s either thinking of things that have passed or things that have yet to come. “Sometimes, I still wonder what would happen if your real Fighter unit showed up.”

Ritsuka growls low in his throat—a sound of pure frustration. His tail flicks back and forth, and it’s further proof of his agitation. “Honestly,” he begins, his tone as aggravated as it should be (because Soubi’s an idiot, really), “you’re still just a big dummy! Even after two years, I have to repeat everything to you—especially the really important things.”

“I’m sure I don’t know what you’re referring to,” Soubi replies, but there’s the slightest hint of a smile curving his lips, and that tells Ritsuka that Soubi knows exactly what Ritsuka’s talking about—he’s just playing dumb to frustrate Ritsuka even more.

Glaring, and not putting any real thought into his actions (if he’d been thinking about it, he probably would have hesitated), Ritsuka deliberately straddles Soubi’s lap and leans in close and even closer still until they are practically nose-to-nose.

Soubi waits expectantly while Ritsuka continues to glare.

Ritsuka’s never believed in fate or destiny or kismet—whatever they call it these days. He’s always believed that one makes their own path. Soubi is the path that he’s chosen, and will always choose, and it’s about time that Soubi got that into his thick skull, once and for all.

“You are my Fighter unit,” he repeats (repeats, yes, he’s said it before). “You are the only Fighter for me, and that name on you?” He pauses, closes his eyes for a moment because it’s Seimei’sSeimei’sSeimei’s, and then continues: “It doesn’t mean a thing, Soubi. I know here.” He presses a hand to his own heart, and then to Soubi’s. “You should, too.”

“To be young and confident again….” Soubi seems a little nostalgic for a moment, and then his smile is untroubled. “I told you I was stubborn.”

Ritsuka rolls his eyes again and huffs in exasperation, nearly sulking, because yes, he knows this already. Then, he focuses on Soubi’s ‘young and confident’ comment: “I’m not that young,” he protests. “And you’re not that old.”

“Yes,” Soubi agrees, and now his smile is one full of knowing, and it makes Ritsuka’s cheeks darken.

For several moments, nothing else is said, and they remain exactly as they are: Ritsuka on Soubi’s lap, forehead resting against Soubi’s shoulder, Soubi’s arms around Ritsuka’s waist.

Eventually, Soubi asks, “What would have been different?”

Ritsuka opens his eyes then, looks at the blonde man. “What do you mean?”

“Earlier, you said you didn’t think things would have been ‘much different in that sense’. So—tell me, how would they have been different? What would be different about you and me now, if we’d met earlier?”

Ritsuka remembers their first encounter—remembers how he’d initially been so shocked over the fact that Soubi did not have cat ears or a tail. He remembers how Soubi kissed him within hours of meeting him, and he also remembers….

“Do you mean sex?”

“Not yet,” Soubi replied. “Not until you’re older.”

That’s what he said at that time, because he knew that it was something Ritsuka could understand. What he didn’t say was, When you’re ready for me and tell me that… when you want me, then we can talk about sex.

Ritsuka knows that Soubi didn’t tell him that because, at the time, it probably would have only confused Ritsuka all the more, because Ritsuka didn’t know (at that time) what it meant to want someone—didn’t know what it meant to positively ache for another human being.

He’s learned, though, thanks to Soubi (whether his Fighter’s ‘lessons’ were always intentional or not). He’s learned what it means to want, to need, to ache.

He isn’t the only one waiting, really—Soubi’s waiting, too, and it’s not because of Ritsuka’s age, but because he wants Ritsuka to be sure. Ritsuka knows this now.

If I knew then what I know now….

Ritsuka wriggles a little on Soubi’s lap and blushes even more, but his eyes don’t leave Soubi’s as he replies, “You’d still have your ears right now.”

Soubi raises an eyebrow, still smiling, but it isn’t a mocking sort of smile. “Oh?”

Ritsuka nods. “I wouldn’t have forced you. Ever. I wouldn’t have hurt you. I would have made it… made it special for you, and I would have waited until you were ready.”

And it’s amazing how, sometimes, Ritsuka feels like he’s a lot older than he really is—how he surprises himself with words like these.

It’s also surprising that his words don’t seem to exactly surprise Soubi, but Soubi is looking at him with affection all but glowing in his eyes as he says, “You would have been gentle.” He understands.

For some reason, that alone is enough to make Ritsuka feel like his heart is about to burst (and yeah, it’s an ache, but it’s a sweet one), and he acts on spontaneity again, closing the distance between them, pressing his lips to Soubi’s. When Soubi’s lips part for him, Ritsuka takes advantage of it, curling his tongue around Soubi’s and positively tingling all over because of it.

Everything is warm. He’s warm, Soubi’s warm, the kiss is warm. He doesn’t mean to whimper against Soubi’s lips, into his mouth, but he does it anyway. He doesn’t mean to rock his hips inexpertly against Soubi’s, but he does that, too.

Soubi makes a strangled sound and moves his hips as well, and Ritsuka’s whimper turns into a moan as he realizes that Soubi’s hard against him. It’s dizzying and it’s wonderful, and Ritsuka feels his body reacting, too. It’s not exactly new, but Ritsuka’s not overly-familiar with this sensation yet (he knows, however, that he wants to be).

It feels like there is something low in his belly and it feels like it’s hot and swirling and oh, there’s more dizziness, and there’s Soubi’s teeth scraping lightly against his lips and Soubi’s fingers are under his shirt, playing along the bare skin of his back, and that’s nice, too, and it’s making Ritsuka squirm.

Eventually, they break apart for air, both of them flushed and near-panting. When Ritsuka trusts his voice again, he says, “I will be. Gentle. When we’re ready.” It’s a promise.

“I know.” Soubi kisses him again, and it’s slow and soft and very, very sweet.

Ritsuka knows he still doesn’t understand a lot of things. He knows that he still has a lot to learn about the finer points of such intimacies as this.

But he also knows that he is beginning to understand (will understand more, with time, because he and Soubi can learn together).

And that in itself is, all in all, quite wonderful, really.

I wanted to write some sap. So… there you have it. *LOL* Crystal, I hope you liked it, sweetheart. *cuddlepets* <3333333333333333333
Tags: loveless, ritsukaxsoubi, soubixritsuka
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