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10 July 2005 @ 12:25 am
Mental - Gakuhai, Haitsu, Yukido, Saken  
Title: Mental
Author: Kagome
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Gackt/Hyde, Hyde/Tetsu, Hyde/Yuki, Ken/Sakura
Fandom: JRock/GacktJOB/L'Arc~en~Ciel
Disclaimer: The guys aren't mine... I just find that I'm repeating myself again and again and again on this issue. ^^
Summary: Gackt is a sex-obsessed maniac in denial about being a sex-obsessed maniac (not to mention his obsession with chocolate), Hyde is cheating on him with Tetsu and also has an aspartame fetish. He also crossdresses, but only for Tetsu. ^_~ Yuki is madly in love with Hyde and has some fucked-up dreams. Ken can't live without nicotine. Poor Sakura hasn't had any sex for three months. :P Dr. Robinson has quite a lot on his plate, the poor man.


Dr. Robinson massaged the knots in his neck and stared at his crisp cream-colored memo pad. He had to get rid of every single pad defiled by that Megumi woman’s profane doodlings (he didn’t find necrophilia amusing in the least), so he had indulged a whim and bought fresh memos, personalized just for him. He admired the ornate “Dr. Robinson’s Loony Bin Halfway House” at the top.

His next appointment would be walking through his doors in five, four, three, two…

The door clicked open and shut Hideto Takarai walked in, perfectly punctual, as he always had been for his appointments. Well, some people would say punctual. Others would say painfully anal retentive. But it made no difference to Dr. Rominson – after all, he was here for the satisfaction of being paid – Takarai-san was quite affluent, being a famous rock star. They’d had an emergency three-hour session last week, and they had made a breakthrough.

Hyde had cried.

That is to say, he was crying on the inside. What Hyde had actually done was shake his fist, scream, and extend his middle finger more than once. But money speaks louder than actions. It says something like: chi-ching.

Hyde perched himself on the couch, and then grunting, lay down.

“It’s happening again,” he said, sighing.

Dr. Robinson folded his hands benevolently. “With Gackt?”

“… Yes. His perpetual lust is ruining our relationship… his constant craving for… for…”

“Yes, Hyde?”

“CHOCOLATE!” Hyde’s anguished wail rang in the room. “Do you know how fucking expensive Toblerone is in factory bulk size at department store price? Or how hard it is to get Godiva truffle stains out of leather?!”

Dr. Robinson’s left cheek twitched, minutely. This was going to be one of those, again


“… And puppy dogs, and kitties, and fuzzy happy things, and sunsets, and grass, and the sky, and the stars, ad walks on the beach, and pretty flowers, and interior decorating…” Gackt happily spouted a long, long list.

Dr. Robinson said, “I see…” He flipped through his notes. “And all this makes you want to, as you so nicely put it, ‘seduce’ Hyde.”

Gackt shrugged. “Just about. Although, I’m pretty insatiable about chocolate, too.”

“Gackt, do you think this might have something to do with your childhood?”

Gackt blinked, contact-colored eyes perplexed. “If a man loves Hyde, sex, and chocolate, shouldn’t his natural impulse be to combine all those things—like, sex with Hyde in chocolate?”

“How does Hyde feel about this?”

“Oh, he never complains, unless he’s the one stuck cleaning up. And I’m pretty exhausted after one of those sessions.”

Dr. Robinson made a note in his memo pad: NYMPHOMANIAC. It was underlined several times in red pen. “Have you ever considered counseling?”

Gackt looked affronted. “I’m the king of Japanese music! Why would I need to go to counseling?!”

Dr. Robinson considered. “Becoming aroused when reading the dictionary would qualify you as mentally disturbed.”



“Once, he dragged me into a janitorial closet at a chocolate factory and screwed me, frankly, senseless.” Hyde waved a hand, wearily. “I knew it was a mistake: Gackt in an enclosed area with large vats of chocolate. Have you ever gone skinny dipping in chocolate? It’s an interesting experience.”


Dr. Robinson stared at Yukihiro as he tapped a drumstick on his desk. Yuki continued, unperturbed.

“And that was the end of Fuzzy Bunny Lumpkins.”


“While we’re on the subject of Gackt, I want to ask you if Megumi knows about your affair with him.”

Hyde blinked. “I could give a shit less if she did or didn’t. I don’t know why I married her in the first place.”

“Do you hate women, Hyde?”

The short man fidgeted with his belt buckle. “… Dunno.”

“Now, Hyde…”

“… Dunno.”

There was a long pause as Dr. Robinson pondered his net worth. “Hyde, let’s talk about your mother, okay?”

Hyde glanced at him balefully, a long-suffering look. “What does Ma have to do with anything?” There was a slight defensive note in his voice.

Ah. Jackpot. Had the good doctor been alone, he would have folded his hands and whispered, “Excellent…”


He watched as Hyde finally crumpled at the base of the stuffed figure that was supposed to be his mother. He had glared, initially. Talked, a little. Screamed. Hit. Kicked. Bit. And finally, he lay curled in a little fetal ball blubbering, “I’m sorry I couldn’t be the daughter you wanted!”

Dr. Robinson doodled little dollar signs. Maybe he’d get a new memo pad with those around the border.


“Want a smoke?” Ken offered.

Dr. Robinson declined. Why had that man brought in his pack of cigarettes? “Actually, you’re not supposed to smoke in here at all.”

Ken’s eyes tightened, just a miniscule amount.

Uh-oh. Shouldn’t he have pupils? He thought about Megumi, uneasily.

An odd expression settled onto Ken’s normally friendly face as he whispered, “Mr. Cigarette won’t like that. Must destroy.”


“No,” Dr. Robinson assured Sakura wearily. “The check will be enough.”

”I’m very sorry, doctor. But now you understand?”

“Yes.” Dr. Robinson glanced down at his wheelchair. “I can understand breaking my legs, but was blowing smoke in my face and then forcing me to smoke necessary?”

“He’s very passionate about his nicotine,” Sakura murmured, and then added: “If he only extended that same passion to everything. What do you think, Doc?”

“I think you are a very complex young man, Sakura.”


“Let’s discuss your dreams, Yuki.”

“I have this dream where I’m drumming… and then my drumset is gone and I’m falling…”


Hyde had gone into regression. He was back in his “anger” phase.

“Thought you could break me, didn’t you?” he hissed at the lumpy figure hanging from the ceiling. “Thought you could marry me off to Megumi, wear the skirt in the relationship! WELL, TAKARAI HIDETO WEARS A SKIRT FOR NO ONE!”


“Yes,” Tetsu said, tapping his fingers and looking at his therapist. “And he comes out in a little Catholic schoolgirl outfit, ruffled skirt and everything. But… Hyde looks great in fishnets.”


“I blame Tetsu,” Dr. Robinson said. “He put a lot of pressure on you—on the entire band.”

Sakura sighed in relief.


“I have two things to tell you. First off, I blame your mother,” Dr. Robinson said. “She made you have an identity crisis by dressing you up like a little girl, and then she insisted on a traditional hetero marriage in order to suppress your homosexual urges. Secondly, on the matter of Gackt, I blame your detergent. Tide never gets chocolate stains out.”

Hyde sighed in relief, and then began humming ‘Stay Away’.


“And sawdust makes me want to have sex with Hyde, and soft rock, and the smell of nailpolish, and Mone prints, and the smell of new paper, and turpentine… health food bars…” Gackt kept rambling.

Dr. Robinson sighed in frustration.


“So, what did you think of ‘Larva’, Dr. Robinson?”

Dr. Robinson cringed at the sheer memory of that godforsaken song, and then fidgeted. “Well, actually, Yuki… it was… very unique.”

Yuki beamed. “That’s what Haido-chan told me. Tetsu kinda patted me on the back and told me I did a good job. Then he walked outside and I heard a very loud scream. Why do you suppose he did that?”



“I’m really sorry about that, Dr. Robinson,” Ken said. “I just get a little weird sometimes. Especially when I haven’t had a cigarette for an hour or so.”

“It’s okay,” the doctor replied. “Now, let’s try to delve into this… addiction of yours. Tell me about your life.”

“Well, I was born…”


[Five hours later]

“And as I was offered my first cigarette, I think I was hooked.”

Suddenly, necrophilia was very funny. Dr. Robinson looked up from his doodle of Hyde wearing a schoolgirl outfit. He was drawing the lines for the fishnets.

“I’m afraid we’re out of time. I’ll see you next week, Ken.”


“Once he was waiting in his bathtub for me… he’d filled it to the brim with melted Godiva chocolate. Do you know what dry cleaner’s bill was? Atrocious!” Hyde sounded disgusted. “I’ve taken to wearing browns so that the stains aren’t as noticeable! Well, session’s up… gotta go to Gackt’s house and get fucked.”

Dr. Robinson coughed. “Maybe you should introduce him to a new kink. Like… say…” He glanced at his doodle. Hyde and Gackt were dressed as Cleopatra and Anthony, reclining on an ornate couch. He emphasized the lines around Hyde’s eyes: eyeliner. “Cossdressing?”

“I don’t know,” Hyde said, doubtfully.

He sighed and looked at his other doodle, not daring to mention that Tetsu had told him that Hyde had crossdressed for him on several occasions. “How about necrophilia?”



“Yes, Hyde-chan?”

“What is necrophilia?”

Gackt chuckled. “Well, Hyde-chan… I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you… and then, you know…”


“Of course I could give up cigarettes if I wanted to!” Ken’s glare would have fried an egg.

“I don’t believe you,” Dr. Robinson deadpanned.



“… And I’m falling, and falling, and falling, but there’s no one to catch me and I don’t know where my drums are…”


“Gackt, your psychiatric evaluation came in.”

“That’s nice. What does it say?”

“Well, you’re an acarophiliac, achluophiliac, acousticophiliac…”


Dr. Robinson looked slightly perturbed. “Ken, your affinity for gangster rap is beginning to… upset Sakura. Why is it that you need this new… persona?”

Ken shifted the gold chains around his neck and sniffed. “You, biatch, I’m representin’ the NEW COAST, yo! It’s like, mergin’ of da west siiiiiide and da east siiiiide, and it’s like, BIGGIE AND TUPAC LIVE! Yo.”


“Watch yo’ back, biatch.”


“… Apoysophiliac, apotemnophiliac, asphyxiaphiliac…”


“Gackt enjoys WHAT?”

“Aanthropophagolagnia. Cannibalistic rape.”


Hyde glared daggers at Tetsu. “You had to tell him that I was sleeping with you on the side. And then you had to go and tell him about the aspartame fetish.”

Tetsu sighed. “Hyde, being covered with Equal and having you lick it off was initially amusing… but your frequent convulsions from aspartame poisoning are hardly erotic.”

“Damn you! Fine! Don’t you DARE complain if I get lovehandles, though!”

“Oh, like Gackt’s obsession with chocolate won’t do that to you in the first place!”



Gackt sighed. “I do it because I never want our sex lives to be like Sakura’s and Ken’s.”

“And what’s that like?”

“You know, wham-bam-thank-you-very-much-ma’am.” Gackt paused. “Although, it’s become more interesting with the addition of those Tupac tapes.”

“I see.”


“Yuki, what are your feelings for Hyde?”

Dr. Robinson was suddenly on the receiving end of a steely glare. “Why are you asking about Haido-chan?”

“You seem to be rather fond of him. And, don’t worry. Whatever you say will be just between us.”

“… Really?”


A dreamy look replaced the glare. “He’s wonderful, don’t you think? And that bastard Gackt doesn’t deserve him!”

“What about Tetsu?”

“Tetsu can kiss my ass. Do you know how many times I’ve fantasized about fucking Haido-chan against the wall in the studio?”

Dr. Robinson buried his face in his hands, barely refraining from opening his window and leaping out of it.


“… Batrachophiliac, bromidrophiliac, brontophiliac, cheimaphiliac…”


“He’s a staurophiliac too?!”


“What does that mean?”

“He gets aroused by crosses or crucifixes.”
Hyde paled.


“It’s not wham-bam!” Sakura said indignantly. “I haven’t been getting any at ALL for the last three months!”


“Ken, if you don’t want to help yourself, why are you here?”

“’Cause I’m the Big Poppa of Bling Bling, foo’!”


[Five hours from initial reading]

“And finally, Camui-san, you’re a zelophiliac.”



“Yeah, I know, I know; put it back in your pants.”


Dr. Robinson filed away the last check in his drawer. Ah, early retirement fund… life was good.

He checked his clock and smiled.

The group session would be coming along in a few hours. He chuckled and picked up a pencil. Maybe that Megumi woman was onto something. Doodling was certainly cathartic, and now that thought about it… necrophilia was at least snicker-worthy.

Current Mood: amusedamused
Rinoajyojyoushi on July 10th, 2005 05:10 am (UTC)
*roars with laughter*
Kagome_newworld on July 10th, 2005 07:58 pm (UTC)
*is not on drugs*
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Kagome_newworld on July 10th, 2005 07:12 pm (UTC)
*Giggles* Larva's not bad~! XD It's just kinda... umm... different? *LOL* *Hugs Yuki*
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Kagome_newworld on July 10th, 2005 09:43 pm (UTC)
*Starts singing "Ring the Noise"* XD
(Deleted comment)
Kagome_newworld on July 11th, 2005 03:08 pm (UTC)
I like Revelation too. And New World... OMG. *Obsessed, obviously*

Hmm... Ring the Noise is actually a very good song, to me. XD Not too loud or wild or anything. Just... nice. :P
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(no subject) - _newworld on July 12th, 2005 02:09 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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(no subject) - _newworld on July 13th, 2005 03:34 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Rinoajyojyoushi on July 11th, 2005 12:58 pm (UTC)
...*pokes you*
(Deleted comment)
Kagome: I'm Awakening in the New World - Milkywakagome_angel on July 10th, 2005 07:13 pm (UTC)
Hai... when "Jay" existed but I don't like to go back to that time now. >.>

Besides, I like it better this way. :P
Kagome: Gasp - Milkywaykagome_angel on July 10th, 2005 07:13 pm (UTC)
O.o I meant to reply as my fanfic lj. I swear I did. O.o *hides because I'm still posting under this one anyway* ^^
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Kagomekagome_angel on July 10th, 2005 07:20 pm (UTC)
Thank you. I'm glad you think so, ne. ^_^ But this thing caused so much confusion before because of my other penname. XD I just have to be more careful from now on if I rewrite any of my old fics from other names.

Zhen told me that it's funnier this way too because we're looking at real people and trying to imagine them that way. :P

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Kagomekagome_angel on July 10th, 2005 07:29 pm (UTC)
Yeah... they had gotten confused and thought that Jay was another person when it was ME and I had to go and drag out all that crap from the past. But the accuser apologized in the end so it's all okay. :P

Zhen is my best friend, *LOL*. She has an LJ but she never updates it. zhen_zheng.
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(no subject) - _newworld on July 10th, 2005 09:44 pm (UTC) (Expand)
A-chana_chan_1x2x1 on July 11th, 2005 12:50 am (UTC)
*dies of laughter*

“’Cause I’m the Big Poppa of Bling Bling, foo’!”

That SO made my day!
Kagome_newworld on July 11th, 2005 02:45 pm (UTC)
*Giggles* It made your day? Hontou ni?
luminous being: oha!taylormercury on July 11th, 2005 07:31 am (UTC)
I've been wanting to read this one. And yay! Here it is! hahahaha excellent, it cracked me up. I'm curious as to what all Gackt's obsessions actually are though XD

Ken obsessed with rap. Oh good lord, that fits in so well with a joke between some of my friends XD
Kagome_newworld on July 11th, 2005 02:39 pm (UTC)
*Giggles* Well, I honestly don't think he's obsessed with chocolate. I don't think he likes chocolate all that much, actually. ^^;;;

Ken in this light is quite scary. *LOL*
カイアミラkaiamira on September 18th, 2005 01:22 am (UTC)
*dies of laughter*

Oh, this makes my day~
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Kagome_newworld on April 11th, 2006 06:36 pm (UTC)
Hee. I'm glad you like it~! ^________^
Kyattsuaitokiyo_kaguya on April 15th, 2007 07:14 am (UTC)
XD This so made my day! lmao


“Yes, Hyde-chan?”

“What is necrophilia?”

Gackt chuckled. “Well, Hyde-chan… I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you… and then, you know…”

XDD I Love Gackts response to that question. lmao and just the whole fic going on between them all. I feel kinda sorry for the doctor XD just makes you wonder exacully what counslers and such hear from people.
Kyattsuaitokiyo_kaguya on April 15th, 2007 07:16 am (UTC)
o_o and stalkers are scary D: and they can be freakish. I've had one before in real life, they are creepy.
Kagome_newworld on April 15th, 2007 01:08 pm (UTC)
I feel incredibly sorry for the doctor. *giggles and snuggles you*
Kyattsuaitokiyo_kaguya on April 24th, 2007 02:35 am (UTC)
XD That doctor maybe needs to see another doctor after that! ^--^ *hugs*
A Kaonashi: axolotoshii_tan on April 11th, 2008 07:44 pm (UTC)
OMG @_@
I was laughing so hard every ten seconds people came in to check if I was ok LOL

Hyde had cried.

That is to say, he was crying on the inside. What Hyde had actually done was shake his fist, scream, and extend his middle finger more than once.

: could TOTALLY see him do that :

He had glared, initially. Talked, a little. Screamed. Hit. Kicked. Bit. And finally, he lay curled in a little fetal ball blubbering, “I’m sorry I couldn’t be the daughter you wanted!”


Yuki beamed. “That’s what Haido-chan told me. Tetsu kinda patted me on the back and told me I did a good job. Then he walked outside and I heard a very loud scream. Why do you suppose he did that?”


“Ken, if you don’t want to help yourself, why are you here?”

“’Cause I’m the Big Poppa of Bling Bling, foo’!”


I'm sorry - I had to comment on this. Do you mind if I put it in my memories or would it be a bad idea (with the stalkage and stuff)?