Prompt: “Turn around, I am here / If you want, it’s me you’ll see / Doesn’t count, far or near / I can hold you when you reach for me.”
Warnings: Angst, language, mentions of (original) character death.
Characters/Pairings: Reita and Uruha-centric. Focuses on their friendship. Aoi/Uruha mentioned.
Disclaimer: Standard disclaimer applies.
Summary: Sometimes he needs help realizing that it’s okay to fall apart.
Comments: Based on RP (Own the Sun, to be precise). The idea wouldn’t leave me alone, so I wrote it. XD Prompt taken from ‘By Your Side’, by Tokio Hotel.
Uruha isn’t answering his cell phone or his home phone, and that’s not surprising at all, given what today is. Today is the anniversary of his death, and for Uruha (and Reita, too), it’s the same, every single year. They go through the same motions, again and again—Uruha isolates himself even from those that he holds most dear, saying that he’s doing it so as not to cause anyone to worry, but all that results in is more worry. Aoi worries, Totchi worries, hide worries, Miyavi worries, JJ worries, Maggie worries, Vicky worries. Reita worries. Everyone worries, but Uruha, lost in his own grief, never seems to realize this. He pushes his friends away. He pushes his boyfriend away. He pushes Reita away, and that hurts a little more than Reita lets on.
Uruha isn’t answering the door, either, and so Reita lets himself in with the spare key that Uruha and Aoi gave him months ago. A quick search of the living room tells him that his best friend isn’t there, and a glance into the kitchen reveals the same. He goes down the hall, peeking into every room along the way, until he reaches the master bedroom, and that is where he finds him.
“Hello, Rei.” It’s funny how Uruha knows it’s him without even turning around to look. Had circumstances been different, Reita would have jokingly asked if Uruha has memorized what his footsteps sound like, but now is not the time to ask such a thing. Uruha’s voice sounds hollow, and Reita wants to help.
“You can’t keep doing this to yourself, ‘Ruha,” Reita says gently as he slowly crosses the room and eases onto the bed, sitting close to Uruha but not yet touching him. He wants Uruha to turn around and to look at him. “You’re going to cause Aoi-kun’s hair to turn prematurely grey, and I’m beginning to believe that To-kun’s just might fall out. We want to help you, but we can’t if you push us away like this every year.”
Uruha turns to look at him, and he’s dry-eyed and heartbreakingly beautiful, even without a stitch of makeup. “I’m fine, Rei. I just need to be alone for a little while.”
“Bullshit,” Reita hisses, opening his arms and tugging a non-resisting Uruha into them. “You may be able to fool others, Uru, but you can’t pull the wool over my eyes. I’ve known you too long and I’ve been with you through hell and back—what the fuck makes you think I’m going to walk away now, when you need me? You can’t lie to me.”
Uruha says nothing. He doesn’t return Reita’s embrace, but he doesn’t try to push Reita away, either. He simply sits there and he breathes, exhalations warm against Reita’s neck, and that’s something, at least.
“You’re still blaming yourself,” Reita says softly as he combs his fingers through golden strands. He can feel the guilt weighing heavily on the other man, settling on his shoulders so that he slumps a little. That guilt shouldn’t be there, and Reita’s tried for years to make it go away. “You didn’t pull that trigger, ‘Ruha. He did. You had no control over that. You didn’t know all that he was going through because he hid things!”
“I might as well have been the one to take his life.” Uruha’s voice is now full of bitterness and regret as he stares down his past—even after five years, this still manages to get the better of him. “I was there. I should have listened better. I should have--”
“Stop it,” Reita interjects. “Stop taking blame for something that wasn’t your fault. It kills me a little more every year, ‘Ruha… To see you go through this and to see you try to do it by yourself when you need someone--”
This time, Uruha does the interrupting: “I don’t,” he says, but he doesn’t sound nearly as convinced as Reita thinks he would like to sound. “I don’t need to drag you into this with me. I don’t want to fall apart like I did when he died.”
“I’m already in it with you,” Reita replies soothingly. “Don’t you know that, ‘Ruha? You’re my best friend and I love you, and I’m not going to go anywhere, no matter how hard you try to push me away when you get like this. It’s all right to fall apart if you need to, because I’m right here and I’ll help you pick all of the pieces back up. I’ll help you put yourself back together, so it’s all right.”
Finally, after what seems like a small eternity, Uruha raises his arms and winds them around Reita’s neck, clinging to him like he is his lifeline. He lifts his head and looks up at Reita, and now there are tears shining in those fathomless eyes of his. His smile is shaky and watery. “I know.”
And Reita holds him as the first tear falls.
Now the muses feel much better. Glad to get that out of the way. XD