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08 June 2008 @ 09:44 am
To Know Pain - Non-JRock, Loveless, Youji/Natsuo  
Title: To Know Pain
Author: Kagome
Warnings: Some angst, lots of fluff (read as: SAP), suggestiveness, mild language, spoilers.
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Youji/Natsuo
Disclaimer: Standard disclaimer applies.
Summary: He’d never known pain, until now.
Comments: Another Loveless fic. ^^; This time, featuring Youji and Natsuo because they were rather insistent and this idea wouldn’t leave me alone. Spoilers for volume 4 of the manga and episode 10 of the anime.

To Know Pain

Pain has always been a mostly-foreign concept to Natsuo—he’d seen his enemies in pain, of course… he’d seen the pain that he and Youji had caused them, but that pain had been a stranger to Natsuo himself, because he couldn’t feel it.

He couldn’t, that is, until now. Or, more precisely, until last night.

Last night, he and Youji had discovered that they weren’t the only pair known by the name of ‘Zero’. There was another pair – girls, hags (or so Youji had called them) – that had, within minutes, made Natsuo question everything, because those girls weren’t supposed to have their name. That name had belonged to Natsuo and Youji exclusively… or so Natsuo had thought.

They had fought for their title, and they had lost. The enemy Fighter had recited words from a spell that Natsuo hadn’t recognized, and within seconds, his Sacrifice – his precious Youji – had crumpled to the ground, motionless.

It was then that Natsuo had felt pain for the very first time. It wasn’t superficial—it wasn’t a physical hurt, though it might as well have been. He’d never known what heartache meant, but last night he had learned. He had experienced a pain deeper than any blow could have ever possibly delivered. He had experienced, in that one terrifying moment, what it felt like to lose something precious.

He hadn’t been able to protect his Sacrifice, and that knowledge had brought pain with it, too.

In that one instant, he had been robbed of breath, thought, and movement. In the next instant, it had felt like his chest had been torn open and his still-beating heart had been ripped out, leaving him empty. Without Youji.

It had hurt, and it still hurts, even now, despite the fact that Youji is alive (sleeping, but still with him, still part of Natsuo). Youji is asleep in Soubi’s bed; he bears no marks from the fight and he appears to be sleeping peacefully, though that doesn’t allay Natsuo’s worry. His Sacrifice hasn’t opened his eyes since the fight, and although Soubi has assured him countless times that Youji will be all right (and even in spite of the fact that Natsuo can see the rise and fall of Youji’s chest as he breathes), Natsuo can’t bring himself to believe that. Not until Youji opens his eyes.

And so, Natsuo watches and he waits. He waits for Youji to wake up. He waits for this ache (which may no longer be foreign to him but it is strange all the same) to disappear.

When Youji does open his eyes, it’s nearly noon. His lashes flutter twice and then his gaze focuses on Natsuo. The first words that leave him are: “What the hell happened?” That question is followed shortly by another: “We lost… didn’t we?”

Natsuo nods reluctantly, his one emerald eye closing. “I couldn’t protect you,” he says, and when those words leave his lips, he is overcome with another emotion that he has never felt before: shame.

“I’m your Sacrifice,” Youji replies as though that explains everything—as though it is enough, when it really isn’t. “I’m supposed to take the damage for you.”

In a way, Youji both had and had not taken the damage. He’d suffered the effects of the spell, but he hadn’t felt the pain—he hadn’t felt the fear or the sense of loss that Natsuo had felt.

“There was pain,” Natsuo admits, trying to force the words past the sudden lump in his throat (and just where had that come from, anyway?). “It hurt, Youji.” It had been the worst possible pain that Natsuo could have ever imagined, multiplied ten-thousand fold. He could have lost his Youji, and even though he had learned last night that they were a ‘special series’ and Sacrifices could technically be switched without a second thought….

Natsuo couldn’t have - wouldn’t have – done such a thing. Youji was and still is the only Sacrifice for him.

Youji sits straight up in bed and scrambles closer to the edge of it, not mindful at all of the fact that he had been injured last night, but Natsuo knows that it is because Youji doesn’t feel the physical repercussions of it. “You’re hurt?” he asks as he grabs Natsuo’s arms and examines them, checking for cuts or bruises that he will not find simply because there are none. “If you’re hurt, Natsuo, you should let me see…. We can’t feel it but it can still be dangerous.”

Natsuo doesn’t know how to explain it. “Not on the outside, and I felt it.” He never wants to feel it again. “You… you weren’t okay, Youji, and I don’t know what they did to you—I still don’t. You didn’t move, and it scared me, and I thought…. But we said that we’d always be together, and--”

“Natsuo,” Youji interrupts, and now his voice is thick with emotion, too. “Come up here.” He scoots over in Soubi’s bed, making room for Natsuo. “Just come up here.”

Natsuo complies, and he reaches for his Sacrifice in the same moment that Youji reaches for him. He clings to Youji weakly as Youji kisses the top of his head, the spot just above his missing eye, the lid of his remaining eye, his nose, his cheek, and finally, his lips.

“Still here,” Youji murmurs, his lips not quite leaving Natsuo’s. “Always here with you, Natsuo. I promised that, and I’m keeping my promise.”

Natsuo pulls his Sacrifice closer, if that’s at all possible, and he nods, because he doesn’t quite trust his voice at the moment.

Youji’s breath tickles his skin. Youji’s hands are gentle as they explore (though both of them know that gentleness isn’t necessary, not for those who can’t feel physical pain). Youji’s lips are soft and wet, and the feel of the length of his body pressed against the length of Natsuo’s body is comforting. Youji is alive and awake and still Natsuo’s. Always Natsuo’s.

The pain – the ache – is still there, lodged deep in Natsuo’s chest, though it’s a different ache. It feels like the antithesis of the ache that Natsuo had experienced last night.

And as Natsuo buries his face against his Sacrifice’s neck and inhales the scent of him, the thinks that maybe, just maybe, he can deal with this sort of ache.

Youji draws back and gazes at him, and that one look is filled with so much meaning that it makes Natsuo’s breath catch.

“Natsuo,” Youji whispers, and Natsuo decides to forget about ‘maybe’.

He is more than certain that he can deal with this ache. He even believes that it is something he can treasure.

For once, perhaps, Natsuo can agree with Soubi about something: Not all pain is necessarily bad.

I couldn’t resist writing Youji x Natsuo. ^___^ They’re too cute for their own good, the brats. There will be more of these two in the future, because I already have another idea forming. XD Hope you all enjoyed!
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
(no subject) - elvenyounglett on June 8th, 2008 03:55 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Kagome: Reita - Gloves_newworld on June 8th, 2008 06:46 pm (UTC)
*LOL* Oh, yes. I've noticed that there aren't many fics at the Youji/Natsuo community. I figured I'd contribute a little. ^_^ I only just recently (like within the past month) have gotten into Loveless (I've been in nursing school so I've been under a rock for a while), and I adore it. When I first read about and saw Natsuo and Youji, I was like, "Those brats!" but the more I saw/read, the more I loved them. XD

Thank you so much. I'm glad you like this. ^____^
(no subject) - elvenyounglett on June 9th, 2008 04:48 am (UTC) (Expand)
Kagome: Miyavi - Raspberry_newworld on June 12th, 2008 02:09 pm (UTC)
*giggles* I, too, am waiting. It is almost unbearable. Like, "IT WON'T BE OUT UNTIL WHEN????!!!!! *FLAIL*" XD And ohhh, yes. I am. -_- In fact, I am going to take my boards in about five days. >_> *hides under a rock*

I love how Natsuo and Youji have a bigger role in the manga, too. I'm hoping that they'll release a second batch of episodes for the anime. XD
(no subject) - elvenyounglett on June 13th, 2008 04:02 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Kagome_newworld on June 13th, 2008 04:19 pm (UTC)
The last volume? O_o I don't think it is, because she's still releasing chapters in that Zero Sum magazine. Or does this mean that she's going to continue doing that but she's not going to continue the volumes themselves? :/

*giggles* Those little 'specials' make me laugh. XD It would be great if they did make a second season.

I <3 Miyavi. ^_______^ (As is fairly obvious--I write fanfic with him in it too. XD).
(no subject) - elvenyounglett on June 13th, 2008 06:43 pm (UTC) (Expand)
We're only several miles from the sunanimegoil on June 8th, 2008 03:58 pm (UTC)
They -are- too cute. And I love their cynicism, because in truth they're the most naive of them all. <3 Very cute, you played emotions really well in this!
Kagome: Kai - Silence all around me_newworld on June 8th, 2008 06:47 pm (UTC)
They really are. They think nothing can touch them, and yet.... Well, they're obviously proven wrong, in any case. XD

Thank you! ^_^
ɱαɴɓʘɏ ♉ ƈℋєყ: Toxic thoughtslalachoy on June 8th, 2008 04:23 pm (UTC)
I love how you were able to make this fluffy without taking from their personality. It wasn't OOC at all. Awesome job and idea. Makes me wish I had thought of it. xD
Kagome: Miyavi - Raspberry_newworld on June 8th, 2008 06:49 pm (UTC)
I'm glad I could do that too--I'm glad you believe that I stayed true to their personalities. I knew when I came up with the idea for this that it would be fluffy, but I also wanted to keep the two of them in character. It seemed so fitting for Youji to just brush off what happened to him. XD

Thank you so much. <3
shoe_bugshoe_bug on June 8th, 2008 05:15 pm (UTC)
That was beautiful. Youji/Natsuo stories seem to be becoming rarer in general but a in character fluff fic of them? The fact that you were able to pull it off so well makes me love the fic all the more. You portrayed their emotions well and I really felt for the two of them. I really hope you do more in the future. ♥
Kagome: Uruha - Looking Sexy_newworld on June 8th, 2008 06:51 pm (UTC)
Thank you. <3

I am so glad they're in character. XD I've never written them before (and I only have one other Loveless fic so far), so it was a little nerve-wracking to post it. *LOL*

There will indeed be more~. I already have another idea. ^_____^
Teka Lynntekalynn on June 8th, 2008 07:35 pm (UTC)
That's great to hear! I really liked this one--fluffy without being sappy is a hard line to walk, and you did it.
Kagome: Reita - Gloves_newworld on June 8th, 2008 10:16 pm (UTC)
Really? XD You mean this isn't complete and utter sap? *giggles*
shoe_bugshoe_bug on June 8th, 2008 08:51 pm (UTC)
Oh yeah! I thought I recognized your name, you did that 'Little White Lies' fic, right? It's nice seeing a talented fic writer that's so active. *0* Let's just hiope those plot bunnies don't stop chewing anytime soon. xD
Kagome: Uruha - Looking Sexy_newworld on June 8th, 2008 10:18 pm (UTC)
I did~! ^____^ And hee. I'm supposed to be writing JRock fanfic right now, but meh. It just doesn't want to happen. *fails* Hmm. Maybe I'll manage to get something done tonight.

Although I did post Mello x Near (Death Note) fic this afternoon. And I took a 150-question practice test for my state boards. I have been a productive bunny. *LOL*
Bizarro Lordakai_senshi on June 9th, 2008 06:24 pm (UTC)
I think that this is a very good fic. You got Natsuo and Yohji down pat! Kudos!
Kagome_newworld on June 9th, 2008 06:30 pm (UTC)
^_____^ Thank you very much. I'm glad you enjoyed!
A Kaonashishii_tan on June 12th, 2008 11:17 am (UTC)
This was very, very sweet :D

Did you also write something about the first Zero?

Kagome_newworld on June 12th, 2008 02:00 pm (UTC)
Thank you. ^_^

Not yet, but I really, really want to. XD
A Kaonashi: sho-ryu-kenshii_tan on June 14th, 2008 11:54 am (UTC)
Ooo... I can't wait!

: rubs hands together in anticipation :