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24 December 2007 @ 10:00 am
Looking for Rainbows - Uruha/Aoi  
Title: Looking for Rainbows
Author: Kagome
Theme: Lyrics # 5. Lyrics are located at the beginning of the fic.
Warnings: Angst
Rating: PG
Pairing: Uruha/Aoi (the GazettE)
Disclaimer: Standard disclaimer applies.
Summary: We always got lost in our rainbows, didn’t we? We were always happy to forget the arguments.
Comments: Written for 10_encounters. The lyrics, which are at the beginning of the fic, are from Diary of Dreams’ Butterfly:dance! This one might be a bit… odd, in a way, but I had fun writing it. And it’s been a while since I’ve written angst. XD Enjoy!

Looking for Rainbows

You and I got lost in rainbows
Our dreams were never made to last

They say that you can’t have rainbows without the rain. Logically speaking, it’s perfectly true—rainbows occur when sunlight is dispersed as it goes through raindrops. That’s the short of it, really… scientists have gone into all sorts of detail about the formation of rainbows, but I won’t go into all of that, because it isn’t necessary. What’s important here isn’t how rainbows are ‘made’, but what they are associated with.

Rainbows evoke happy feelings, and there has been no shortness of said happy feelings when it comes to our relationship, has there? Reita has always called us the ‘perfect couple’, and for a while, I believed him. I think you did, too.

Sure, we had our metaphorical rainstorm every now and again… There were times when you or I would leave our shared apartment in a rage, but we would always calm down in the end. We always found our rainbow, no matter how nasty the weather might have been. Every couple has their fights—every couple has to face their own tempests, but not every couple can say that they always have a rainbow to look forward to.

We always got lost in our rainbows, didn’t we? We were always happy to forget the arguments; we were always happy to apologize and have make-up sex and nice, sappy pillow-talk like perfect couples should, I suppose.

I had no clue that things would ever change between us. I don’t think you believed things would change, either. It was so gradual that I barely noticed it at first, but as time wore on, I noticed that you weren’t as happy with me as you used to be. As a result, I became less happy as well. I didn’t know what to do to make you happy again. I still don’t know what to do. I wish I did, because I’d love to see the rainbows with you again; I’d like for things to be the way that they used to be.

I don’t control time, though. I can’t turn back the clock for us.

We don’t even fight anymore. There’s just… this heavy silence between us, and that’s worse than fighting, in my opinion. You’re distancing yourself from me, and it seems that the harder I try to get closer to you, the harder you push me away. You manage to do this – to push me away – without saying a single word or taking any action (such as pulling away from me, for instance). When we kiss or when we touch at all now, it’s as if you aren’t even looking at me. It’s like you’re looking right through me.

Or it’s like you’re seeing someone else. But that’s not entirely it, is it? You are seeing someone else, but there’s more to it than just that. Oh yes, I know. I’m not stupid, Uruha. Or maybe I am, for still staying with you even though I know that you aren’t happy with me and you’ve found another. You think I don’t know – you think I’m perfectly clueless – and I’ve played that part quite well, if I do say so myself.

I think both of us have learned how to perfect the art of playing pretend. Outwardly, we seem like the happy, perfect couple that Reita still professes us to be, but inside the privacy of our own apartment, we are anything but the perfect couple. The air is thick with the tension between us and heavy with the silence… silence that is filled with the words that we probably should but have not said. I don’t know the reason for your silence, but I can tell you the reason for mine: In spite of it all, I don’t want to lose you.

I want us to be happy again. I want us to talk of dreams of our future together again, instead of not talking at all. I want us to get lost in our rainbows again.

Did you know that a rainbow is really only an optical illusion? It doesn’t seem as special when you think of a rainbow that way, does it? Lately, I’ve been wondering if that’s all our happiness was: an illusion.

No. No… it had to have been real. Just short-lived.

We lie on our bed now, not touching, a mile of black satin between us. I should be asleep, but I am awake. You are awake, too—I can tell by the way you’re breathing. Is this what our relationship has come to, if you can even call it a relationship anymore?

I feel the bed shift slightly as you move; I turn my head and squint in the darkness to see that you’ve rolled over and are now facing me. I want to say something; I’m not sure what, exactly, but whatever I might have said dies in my throat and instead, I keep silent and I wait. I wait for you to speak, to sigh, to yell. To do anything except let this godforsaken lack of communication between us continue.

“I love you, Aoi,” you tell me, but the words ring hollow because we both know that you don’t mean them anymore. The words are as empty as your eyes are when you look at me nowadays.

I don’t call you on it, though. Instead, I tell you that I love you, too. My words are true—I still do love you, even knowing that you love someone else.

I always heard that if you truly love someone, you’ll let them go. But I don’t want to let you go. Forgive me for being selfish and trying to keep you with me for just a little longer.

You shift again, turn on the lamp, and I blink at the unfriendly light. You gaze down at me, and you seem almost sad. “But we need to talk,” you tell me. “I… well, I have to tell you something.”

So this is it, then? You’re finally going to tell me what you’ve kept bottled up for all this time? I have been trying to prepare myself for it—battening down the hatches and all that. I know what you want to tell me, but in spite of this knowledge and in spite of my preparations for this day (or night, in this case), I am not ready for this.

Storm’s coming.

And this time, I know better than to look for a rainbow once the storm's ended.

Current Mood: blahblah
kyuumasochiistic on December 24th, 2007 03:50 pm (UTC)
omg ;; that was so sad.
Kagome_newworld on December 24th, 2007 07:05 pm (UTC)
*pets* It was supposed to be! XD The lyrics just refused to twist themselves into something happy. *LOL* Sooo, I wrote angst. ^^

Thank you for reading and commenting!
lilja_june on December 24th, 2007 05:29 pm (UTC)
this almost made me cry ;_;
Kagome_newworld on December 24th, 2007 07:08 pm (UTC)
*cuddles* Awww. I'm sorry! ;_; But in a way, that's... kinda what I wanted. Not to make readers cry, but to make them feel that sense of loss and sadness.

Thank you for reading and for commenting~.
lilja_june on December 24th, 2007 09:18 pm (UTC)
you're welcome ^^ and what i forgot to say: up to that point where it became clear i was thinking it was uruha's pov. dunno what exactly made me think that...
Kagome: One Night? - witch-licks_newworld on December 26th, 2007 03:12 am (UTC)
I did that on purpose. XD Although, after I posted it, I kind of wondered if I should have just said at the beginning that it was from Aoi's POV. But I think it was more... fitting for the readers to find out just from... well, reading. ^_^
sike_o_pathsike_o_path on December 24th, 2007 08:55 pm (UTC)
ahhh, angst. Haven't read any in awhile. As always, very well written!

Happy Christmas! ( if I don't see you tomorrow ^_^b)
Kagome_newworld on December 24th, 2007 08:56 pm (UTC)
I haven't written any in a while until now. ^_~ *cuddles* Thank you!

Merry Christmas to you too, honey! <33333
ren_ichiban on December 25th, 2007 02:13 am (UTC)
i love the way you write it..
Kagome: One Night? - witch-licks_newworld on December 26th, 2007 03:19 am (UTC)
Thank you so much! ^______^
bubbalooee9: Kai (b&w)bubbalooee9 on December 25th, 2007 12:24 pm (UTC)
I've never thought of rainbows as an optical illusion...I don't know why, seeing as they are. It's funny isn't it? We're conditioned to believe that rainbows are happy, joyous things..and yet they're fleeting, transparent and unreal.
This was beautiful.
Merry Christmas to you and thank you for the story.
Kagome: Breathless - witch-licks_newworld on December 26th, 2007 03:21 am (UTC)
I honestly didn't either, until I looked it up on wikipedia. XD I thought it was very interesting and that it would fit this story quite well, so I used it. I love how you describe it, too. <3

Thank you. *hugs*

Merry Christmas to you as well, and you're quite welcome! Thank you again for such a wonderful comment.
bubbalooee9: Kai & Rukibubbalooee9 on December 26th, 2007 10:10 am (UTC)
I'm always worried my comments are so unoriginal so thank you <3
kysumekysume on December 25th, 2007 01:08 pm (UTC)
So sad! T___T
I could feel the sadness while reading this...
And I can understand Aoi very well... he doesn't want to let Uruha go even he knows that it's selfish but loving someone makes it very hard to accept that it's better to break up ...
I really enjoyed it even if it was very sad!
Thanks for sharing!
Kagome: Breathless - witch-licks_newworld on December 26th, 2007 03:24 am (UTC)
In a way, I completely agree with Aoi's sentiments here, too. Love isn't like a lightswitch--you can't just turn it off. Uruha gradually fell out of love with him, and even though Aoi was unhappy in the relationship, his love for Uruha was still very strong and he was still hoping that things would turn around for the better even though he knew they wouldn't.

You're welcome! I'm glad you liked it! Thank you for reading and for commenting! ^_______^
l33t_dreams: longing satsukil33t_dreams on December 26th, 2007 01:40 am (UTC)
Argh, heartache on Christmas! D=

This was *really* good. "Storm's coming" made my breath hitch and my heart thump.
Kagome: New World - milkvanilla_newworld on December 26th, 2007 03:26 am (UTC)
I know! I probably should have posted something more appropriate, but I hadn't written anything Christmas-y. *fails* XD

*blushblush* Thank you so much! <333333 I was worried that people would think this one was weird and maybe... hard to follow, or something. I dunno, but I was a bit nervous about posting it. *hides*

*runs out of hiding momentarily to love all over you*
julianoctiferi on June 26th, 2009 01:38 am (UTC)
I loved the ending, it was really intense and unsettling. and I liked how Aoi knew Uru was awake, but none of them would talk anymore. really well done =)
lttlbrightlightlttlbrightlight on July 1st, 2009 09:14 pm (UTC)
This was beautiful and thoughtful and I don't know how to explain the thoughts running through my head because of this...
It's so easy to actually picture what you wrote and as I read on I had to read every single word and take it all in in it's utter sadness.
Thank you for writing this amazing piece :)