Theme: Lyrics # 5. Lyrics are located at the beginning of the fic.
Pairing: Uruha/Aoi (the GazettE)
Disclaimer: Standard disclaimer applies.
Summary: We always got lost in our rainbows, didn’t we? We were always happy to forget the arguments.
Comments: Written for 10_encounters. The lyrics, which are at the beginning of the fic, are from Diary of Dreams’ Butterfly:dance! This one might be a bit… odd, in a way, but I had fun writing it. And it’s been a while since I’ve written angst. XD Enjoy!
Our dreams were never made to last
They say that you can’t have rainbows without the rain. Logically speaking, it’s perfectly true—rainbows occur when sunlight is dispersed as it goes through raindrops. That’s the short of it, really… scientists have gone into all sorts of detail about the formation of rainbows, but I won’t go into all of that, because it isn’t necessary. What’s important here isn’t how rainbows are ‘made’, but what they are associated with.
Rainbows evoke happy feelings, and there has been no shortness of said happy feelings when it comes to our relationship, has there? Reita has always called us the ‘perfect couple’, and for a while, I believed him. I think you did, too.
Sure, we had our metaphorical rainstorm every now and again… There were times when you or I would leave our shared apartment in a rage, but we would always calm down in the end. We always found our rainbow, no matter how nasty the weather might have been. Every couple has their fights—every couple has to face their own tempests, but not every couple can say that they always have a rainbow to look forward to.
We always got lost in our rainbows, didn’t we? We were always happy to forget the arguments; we were always happy to apologize and have make-up sex and nice, sappy pillow-talk like perfect couples should, I suppose.
I had no clue that things would ever change between us. I don’t think you believed things would change, either. It was so gradual that I barely noticed it at first, but as time wore on, I noticed that you weren’t as happy with me as you used to be. As a result, I became less happy as well. I didn’t know what to do to make you happy again. I still don’t know what to do. I wish I did, because I’d love to see the rainbows with you again; I’d like for things to be the way that they used to be.
I don’t control time, though. I can’t turn back the clock for us.
We don’t even fight anymore. There’s just… this heavy silence between us, and that’s worse than fighting, in my opinion. You’re distancing yourself from me, and it seems that the harder I try to get closer to you, the harder you push me away. You manage to do this – to push me away – without saying a single word or taking any action (such as pulling away from me, for instance). When we kiss or when we touch at all now, it’s as if you aren’t even looking at me. It’s like you’re looking right through me.
Or it’s like you’re seeing someone else. But that’s not entirely it, is it? You are seeing someone else, but there’s more to it than just that. Oh yes, I know. I’m not stupid, Uruha. Or maybe I am, for still staying with you even though I know that you aren’t happy with me and you’ve found another. You think I don’t know – you think I’m perfectly clueless – and I’ve played that part quite well, if I do say so myself.
I think both of us have learned how to perfect the art of playing pretend. Outwardly, we seem like the happy, perfect couple that Reita still professes us to be, but inside the privacy of our own apartment, we are anything but the perfect couple. The air is thick with the tension between us and heavy with the silence… silence that is filled with the words that we probably should but have not said. I don’t know the reason for your silence, but I can tell you the reason for mine: In spite of it all, I don’t want to lose you.
I want us to be happy again. I want us to talk of dreams of our future together again, instead of not talking at all. I want us to get lost in our rainbows again.
Did you know that a rainbow is really only an optical illusion? It doesn’t seem as special when you think of a rainbow that way, does it? Lately, I’ve been wondering if that’s all our happiness was: an illusion.
No. No… it had to have been real. Just short-lived.
We lie on our bed now, not touching, a mile of black satin between us. I should be asleep, but I am awake. You are awake, too—I can tell by the way you’re breathing. Is this what our relationship has come to, if you can even call it a relationship anymore?
I feel the bed shift slightly as you move; I turn my head and squint in the darkness to see that you’ve rolled over and are now facing me. I want to say something; I’m not sure what, exactly, but whatever I might have said dies in my throat and instead, I keep silent and I wait. I wait for you to speak, to sigh, to yell. To do anything except let this godforsaken lack of communication between us continue.
“I love you, Aoi,” you tell me, but the words ring hollow because we both know that you don’t mean them anymore. The words are as empty as your eyes are when you look at me nowadays.
I don’t call you on it, though. Instead, I tell you that I love you, too. My words are true—I still do love you, even knowing that you love someone else.
I always heard that if you truly love someone, you’ll let them go. But I don’t want to let you go. Forgive me for being selfish and trying to keep you with me for just a little longer.
You shift again, turn on the lamp, and I blink at the unfriendly light. You gaze down at me, and you seem almost sad. “But we need to talk,” you tell me. “I… well, I have to tell you something.”
So this is it, then? You’re finally going to tell me what you’ve kept bottled up for all this time? I have been trying to prepare myself for it—battening down the hatches and all that. I know what you want to tell me, but in spite of this knowledge and in spite of my preparations for this day (or night, in this case), I am not ready for this.
And this time, I know better than to look for a rainbow once the storm's ended.