Theme: This chapter is based on theme #37 – Sad.
Rating: PG overall
Pairing(s): Miyavi (solo, S.K.I.N.)/Reita (the GazettE) is the main pairing. Ruki/Kai (the GazettE) is hinted at, as is Aoi/Uruha (the GazettE).
Disclaimer: Standard disclaimer applies.
Summary: Reita’s bandmates aren’t blind: they can see perfectly well what’s going on between Reita and Miyavi… perhaps even better than Reita himself.
Comments: Here’s the second chapter, and because I failed at linking this correctly before (x_x), it takes place during the ninth chapter of Transition. This chapter is in Kai’s POV. Written for 50stories.
Chapter One: Lovesickness
I was fairly certain that your denial would get you nowhere, and yet, the whole time, I kept thinking that you would tell Miyavi how you feel and that everything would be okay. No, even better than okay. I know you’ve been in denial about it from the very beginning; you’ve always called yourself a ‘ladies’ man’. You’ve always given us the impression that you’re not the type to ‘swing the other way’, as some would call it.
You swore that you weren’t attracted to Miyavi, but you kept on seeing him, didn’t you? The two of you became friends, and you swore that the two of you were just fuckbuddies, and nothing else would come of it. Uruha’s expressed concern to you about your relationship with Miyavi since the first time you slept with him, and you’ve always waved his concern away – you’ve always said that neither of you would wind up getting hurt, because there were no feelings between you and Miyavi that would cause either of you to get hurt. Now, I hate to say that you were wrong – I’m not picking sides or anything, not that there’s sides to pick, because we’re your friends and we’re all on your side – but I think that even then, somewhere deep down, Uruha could have possibly been correct. But you didn’t want to see that, did you?
You’ve been in denial from the very start, I know that much. I also know quite well that denial is a defense mechanisms, and defense mechanisms can be perfectly healthy – healthy, that is, until you use them over and over and over again and they are no longer effective. You continued to use denial even in the face of evidence – you denied what you feel when the rest of us know how you feel for Miyavi. You knew it, too – you still know it – but when any of us would say anything to you about it (even in a joking manner), you would suddenly become the most obtuse individual I’ve ever known, and the most stubborn.
I thought that, somewhere along the line, you’d give up on this denial business. I thought that you’d come to your senses and realize that it’s okay to feel the way you do, and I thought that you would realize it before one or both of you became hurt. I’m not going to pretend that I know everything that’s taken place between you and Miyavi – I’m not going to pretend that I understand exactly why he told you that he doesn’t want to see you anymore. I’m guessing, though, that your denial has something to do with it.
You’ve denied how you feel about him from the very beginning, and look at where it’s gotten you – where it’s gotten both of you. I talked to him the other night, and he’s miserable, Reita. Like you, he won’t go into all the details about what’s happened, but he’s feeling hurt and rejected, and I don’t know if he’s told any of the others what he’s told me, but he’s heartbroken. Since I’ve known him, I’ve never heard him sound so terribly sad. It’s quite a jump from where he was just a few weeks ago, because when he’d mention you then, he’d always sound so elated, just like you did when you would mention him.
It worries me to see you like this. It worries me and it hurts me, because you’re my friend, and I want to fix things for you – I really do. If I could, I’d wave a wand and make it all better, but I know that I can’t do that. I can’t, because this is between you and Miyavi, and the two of you are going to have to be the ones to fix it, if it gets fixed at all. I hope it gets fixed, because the two of you deserve a chance at real happiness with one another, and because the two of you really make a great couple. I know I’ve teased you about it since the very beginning – both Ruki and I have – but the truth is, I was happy for you. I speak for myself, but I’m sure Ruki would say the same. I’m sure all of us would. We’re your friends and your family, and we are concerned about you, whether you know it or not.
I’m beginning to think we shouldn’t have even bothered with practice today, because you’ve messed up so many times that I’ve lost count. I can’t say I blame you, though – I really can’t. If I was in the same situation that you’re in, I think my ability to concentrate on anything would be shot, too. You’re upset, and it’s understandable, although I promise you that hitting that wall will do you no good. I start to tell you that, but I’m too late. You’ve already slammed your fist into it, and now you’re cursing and cradling your hand (which will probably be swollen soon, and will probably also sport a bruise by tomorrow) against your chest and glaring at the wall.
“… I never liked that wall either, Rei-kun,” Ruki says, and he sounds perfectly serious, though we all know that he’s making a joke. It’s what he does; it’s what he’s always done.
You just glare at him and turn away, but Ruki’s stubborn, like me. “If I punch the wall too, will it make you feel better?” Ruki asks, and he steps away from the microphone, moving instead to stand beside you.
You shake your head. “Ruki, please… I know that you’re just trying to make me feel better, but I don’t think anything can make me feel better right now. I don’t need jokes. Unless you have some decent advice, just don’t say anything, okay?” Your voice sounds just as empty as Miyavi’s.
“This has something to do with Miyavi-kun, doesn’t it?” Ruki asks, and we all know that he already knows the answer. We already know what’s taken place, and we know the outcome of the entire thing. We know some of the things that were said – such as Miyavi saying that he doesn’t want to see you anymore. We know this, because he’s told us. “What happened?” Ruki continues, his voice gentle and full of concern.
“He doesn’t want to see me anymore,” you finally reply, and you sound perfectly miserable. “My stupid mistake… I couldn’t fix it.”
“Rei-kun… listen.” I slide off my stool and move to stand at your other side. “We’ll quit for today, okay? Go home and get some rest. Clear your mind. I can’t promise you that everything is going to be okay. I can’t promise you that you’ll be able to fix whatever’s wrong between you and Miyavi-kun.” What I really want to say is that everything will be okay. I want to tell you that Miyavi loves you and he’s miserable without you, and that you’ll be able to fix this somehow. I want to tell you that we’re all humans and we all make mistakes, and that it’ll be okay in the end. But it’s not my place to do that. I can’t tell you that it’s going to be okay when I don’t know that it will be. I can’t tell you that you’ll fix things with Miyavi, because there is a possibility that things can’t be fixed. There’s a lot of hurt, on both sides. And even though I’m an optimist, I cannot tell you, ‘It’s going to be okay, Reita.’
So instead, I continue with what I was saying. “But when you’re like this – when you’re this upset - you have a good reason to miss work.”
You look at me, and I can see the confusion in your eyes. You’re probably wondering why I’m not making a joke of some sort. There’s time for jokes, Reita. This is not the time. I watch as something very much like gratitude chases the look of confusion away, and I smile and pat you lightly on the back. “Let us know when you’re ready for practice to start again. Don’t worry about holding us back, okay? There’s no way we can practice properly without our bassist, and you’re not doing so great emotionally right now. Take your time.” I then turn to look at Ruki, Uruha, and Aoi. “Let’s get out of here. We’ll come back when Reita’s feeling better.”
As I head towards the door, I hear you say, “I’m sorry.” I stop and turn to look at you, noting that the sadness in your voice matches the sadness in your eyes. This sadness… it doesn’t suit you, Reita. Nor does it suit Miyavi. “I’m sorry that I’m acting like this,” you continue, voice soft. “I’m sorry for being selfish.”
I turn to open the door and I look back at you, smiling, wanting to reassure you somehow. I know it probably won’t make you smile, but I have to say it, anyway. “There’s no need to apologize, Noseless Man~. We’re all supposed to take care of each other, right? We’re all each other’s family, aren’t we?”
To my surprise, you do manage a smile, though it is a melancholy one. “Yeah… Thank you.”
I start to say, ‘You’re welcome’, but Ruki ruffles your hair and says, “We may seem like insensitive, joking idiots sometimes, Rei-kun… Leader-sama and me, I mean. But you ought to know by now that we’re your friends, and we’re here to help. If you need a break, you need a break. Take it. Figure some things out, and we’ll talk to you later.”
I’m about to agree with him when he all-but saunters towards me and practically pushes me out the door. I glare at him, and tell him that he doesn’t have to push.
He just grins wickedly at me and asks, “So, I don’t have to push you to get what I want from you, hmm?” He waggles his eyebrows suggestively.
I start to reply with a smart-ass comment of my own, but I change my mind and just roll my eyes instead, remaining silent.
“Wish you would’ve told me that earlier, and I would have started using other methods,” he continues to tease. “Please, Leader-sama, oh won’t you--”
“Shut up,” I interrupt, trying to ignore that strange lifting sensation that I feel. I only seem to feel this particular way when I’m around Ruki.
Even as Ruki and I head down the hallway, I can still hear you talking in that soft, sad voice. Again, I cannot help but hope that you and Miyavi will be able to fix things, because I want to hear you – both of you – talk in a happy tone of voice again.
I know what denial can do to a person. I’ve seen what it’s done to you, after all. And even still, I can’t help but wonder if I am somehow headed down that very same path. I don’t like that idea, and so I push it aside – try to ignore it.
‘Ignorance is bliss’, they say.
I’m beginning to believe that that’s not true.
~TO BE CONTINUED~