Disclaimer: Don't own the boys.
Summary: Kyo contemplates events that happened the previous night. It's all just a mistake, to him.
We all make mistakes, right? At least, unless we’re perfect, and I haven’t met one person in my entire life who is.
I do believe that he is very close to being perfect, though. He strives for perfection, and damn near achieves it. No matter how hard I work and try to place myself on his level, I cannot. Despite the fact that we have thousands of fans just as he does, I am not his equal. I am not his better.
I am his lesser.
You may be wondering who I am referring to. Well, let us start where all things start: the beginning.
My band and I had a gig and we were staying in a hotel. He and the band to which he belongs had had a concert that very night, and they were still staying in the very same hotel that we were in. Perfect. Perhaps I wouldn’t come in close range of him. If I did, there would be no guarantee I’d be able to control myself.
I knew who he was even before seeing him at the hotel. Who doesn’t know who he is? However, those who are not close to him know him as nothing more than a figure on television, in magazines, in concerts, and a voice in albums. I know him as a figure that haunts my dreams. It has been this way ever since I first saw him from a distance, sitting in that little restaurant in Shinjuku and smoking with his friends.
You can say I’m obsessed, I suppose. It’s not love, definitely not love, because I do not know him. You can only love someone after you spend time with them and get to know them, right? No, I do not love him. Lust after him, yes. But, then again, doesn’t most of Japan’s population lust after him?
When I knew he was in the same hotel as me, I realized I wanted him like I had wanted no other. Perhaps I was going through one of those ‘sexually frustrated’ phases in my life... or perhaps I had turned back into a teenager with insane dreams and enough hormones to bed half of the country. Either way, I knew I either had to stay as far away from him as I could get while the two of us were staying in the same hotel, or I had to sleep with him.
As far as I was concerned, both choices seemed very unlikely. How could I stay away from him when he had been the very figure that had haunted my dreams for months on end? How could I distance myself from him when he was right there and in a fucking hotel for god’s sake?
On the other hand, how could I expect to bed him? I knew there couldn’t be any strings attached, and I knew if I were to get him into bed, it would probably be a one-night-stand. Hey, no problem there. I’m all up for the ‘wham-bam-thank-you-very-much-ma’am’ deal.
But, how could I get in touch with him? It’s not like I was going to knock on his room door and say, “Hi, you don’t exactly know me, but I want to have sex with you. Let’s go.” Big no-no.
After several hours of frustration over my plight and listening to my bandmates yell their drunken asses off, I decided to head downstairs to the bar. Perhaps if I got drunk enough, I could push the whole thing out of my mind.
Or, I could find someone else to lay. It’s not that difficult when both you and your partner are drunk as hell. You can always use your imagination.
The bar was typically dark, the only light being that of the neon signs strategically situated around the room. I sat down beside a figure hunched over his drink, and ordered a round of sake.
“I’ll have another as well,” the figure beside me spoke. I knew that voice. Knew it very well, in fact. Had heard it many times on the radio and on television. Whilst I sat in disbelief, my sake was placed in front of me with a thump, momentarily tearing my attention away from the man beside me.
He turned his head and grinned at me. His hair had grown longer since I had last seen him on CDTV, but even in the dim light, I could see his eyes were the same dark brown that they had always been. Contacts would never do those eyes justice. I’m glad he doesn’t wear them. His cheeks were also a bit flushed - proof that he had been there for a little while. A bit tipsy, but not drunk. Not yet.
“I know you,” he said as his drink was set in front of him. “You’re Kyo, aren’t you? From Dir en Grey?”
Let me mention that it is impossible to climb high in the world of fame and fortune and not know the names of those who are of equal - or greater - status.
“Yes, I am.” I swallowed, wondering why I had suddenly lost all of my composure when face-to-face with him. Images of us doing naughty things dancing around in my mind was not helping the situation in the least. “And you’re Hyde, from L’Arc~en~Ciel.”
He nodded, holding his hand out. My brain informed the nerves in my right arm and hand that he wanted a handshake. In what seemed like slow motion, I lifted my hand and took his. It was incredibly warm within my own and that got me to wondering if other parts of his body were just as warm. “Nice to finally meet you in person,” I managed.
“Same here.” He smiled, a delicious curve of his lips that made me want to lean over and kiss him right then and there, but I managed to restrain myself. He withdrew his hand and lifted his glass, looking at it for a few moments before looking back in my direction. “So, what brings you down here?”
“Boredom.” I smiled at him in a way I hoped had the same effect on him that his had on me. “Not to mention my bandmates are currently being drunk assholes.”
“Why didn’t you join them?” He tilted his glass a bit, and I watched as the liquid swirled around.
“I prefer to get drunk and have a headache in the morning instead of while I’m drinking,” I replied matter-of-factly, and he chuckled. “Now tell me why you’re here.”
“Like you, I was bored. My friends aren’t being rowdy, however. They just... weren’t the company I was looking for.” He lifted his glass again and studied it, as if contemplating if he actually wanted to drink the sake or not.
For a second or two, I wondered if I had heard him correctly. Unless I had a hearing problem, I supposed I had heard him correctly, seeing as I hadn’t even touched my sake yet. “And what company are you looking for?” I wondered if what I had just said sounded like an invitation to him.
“I think I might have found it,” he replied, and his tongue darted out to wet his lips.
Contemplating that having sex with him might not be as difficult as I had originally thought, I raised my glass. “Here’s to you hopefully no longer being bored in my company, then.”
“No, Kyo. Boredom is at the bottom of the list right now.” He raised his glass as well, and the sound of the two clinking together could be heard. We downed our sake and Hyde promptly ordered another round.
“I’ll pay,” I told him, but he shook his head.
“Don’t worry about it. You’re the one that’s rescued me from being bored out of my mind, after all.”
Hey, if he wanted to be polite, I most definitely was not going to argue with him. “Okay.”
About half an hour later, we had downed several more glassfuls and had rambled on about every subject from our music to our respective love lives. Hyde’s cheeks were decidedly more pinkish in color, and it wasn’t because of the neon lights of the bar. If that had been the case, my cheeks would’ve been described as being lime green, and Hyde might’ve gotten the impression that I was going to throw up on his shoes.
But, being as things were, Hyde didn’t seem to be worried about the future of his shoes. Not that he needed to be, anyway. If there’s one thing I can do, it’s handle alcohol, thank you very much.
No, Hyde didn’t seem worried. He seemed more... determined than anything else. While I puzzled over what it was that he could be so determined about, I realized that I was hoping he had the intention of getting into my pants. That way, things would be much more simple, and my lust for him could be sated.
Music had been playing the whole entire time I had been there, but for the first time that evening, I actually began to listen to it. The current song was fast-paced, and before I could direct my thoughts back to what Hyde could have possibly been thinking, he touched my arm. “Dance with me, Kyo.”
Okay, now I was definitely drunk, and I was definitely not hearing him correctly. “What?”
Hyde did not repeat himself. Instead, he stood and led me to the middle of the floor on surprisingly steady legs. Before I could point out that no one else was dancing and everyone would stare at us, he was moving his hips in ways that I had only seen him do on television while he was performing, and I could do nothing but watch him.
“Don’t just stand there.” His hands were suddenly on my hips and his lips were dangerously close to my own. “Dance with me.”
Now, I’m not much of a dancer, myself. But at Hyde’s demand, I was more than eager to attempt to dance. I began moving in a similar way, noting the entire time how very close our bodies were and that it wasn’t doing any good in my current state of lustfulness.
In other words, I was hard.
Hyde’s arms twined around me as the music changed - not to a slower song, but one of about the same pace - and I nearly panicked. This close, he would be able to feel my hardness pressed against him.
“Kyo,” he whispered huskily, breath hot on my ear. “I can feel you.”
I swallowed hard and tried to pull away, but he would not let me go. Instead, he pressed himself against me, and in that moment, I discovered that he was just as hard as I was. “You too?”
He did not reply verbally, but his lips were on the skin of my neck, and he pressed himself harder against me. For a moment I felt his teeth, sharp and painful, but then he pulled back, licking the wound he had just made. I knew there would be a mark there tomorrow, but I did not care. I didn’t have to explain myself to anyone if I didn’t want to.
I grabbed a handful of his hair and tugged backwards, forcing his head up so I could look at him. His eyes were glazed over, partially because of the alcohol, but mostly because of something else. I was guessing that my eyes looked exactly like his. His face held the knowledge that he had me right where he wanted me and I wouldn’t be able to tell him no.
Funny. I thought I would be the one advancing on him. It’s weird how things can turn out a little bit different from what you fantasize. But, that doesn’t make them any less real, nor does it make them any less enjoyable.
It was then I decided to kiss him, not caring who saw. I crushed my lips to his, my tongue sliding past his pliant lips to taste the wonder within. He tasted of sake, sex, and cigarettes. I kissed him forcefully, but he was not at all submissive. He held onto me, putting just as much force into the kiss as I did.
I pulled back a bit and drew his bottom lip into my mouth, sucking it a little before biting hard enough to draw blood. He made a small noise in the back of his throat and I licked and sucked his wound clean, my hands wandering over the front of his pants as I did so.
He moaned and broke away, panting. “Let’s go somewhere,” he suggested. I wholeheartedly agreed.
We decided to head for the bathroom in the lobby. It was nearly two in the morning, and we were certain that everyone who needed to piss would be doing so in their own restrooms.
So much for ‘bedding’ him, huh? What would you call this? ‘Bathrooming’ him?
He had me pinned against the wall before I could even blink. With hands as steady as his legs had been, he grabbed the front of my shirt, ripping it open. In shock, I watched the buttons fly everywhere. I had never expected him to be this bold. In my fantasies, I had always been the one ripping his shirt.
Again, I tell you that fantasies don’t always turn out the way we imagine.
I wasn’t complaining. I was enjoying his aggressiveness to a great extent. Never had anyone been so forward with me. I liked it. I liked it very much.
His mouth was on mine the next moment. Demanding hands worked at my belt buckle. I tried to remove his clothing as well, but he waved my hands away, as if they were bothersome flies. The second my pants and boxers were removed, I understood this was his moment, and he wanted full control of it. He didn’t want me to do anything except be the one that gave him his release.
I could do that.
His lips worked their way from my mouth to my neck, then further down to my chest, where he paused to suckle at a nipple, causing me to throw my head back and moan. My head hit the ceramic tile, and then I was seeing stars.
A small amount of pain in another area brought my attention back to the here and now. Hyde had bitten the sensitive skin at the side of the nipple he had been sucking on and carmine fluid was already filling the imprints his teeth had made. “You have to be more careful, Kyo-kun,” he said as his knees bent so his mouth could continue its journey. Almost kneeling, his tongue found my bellybutton and circled it twice. It tickled, and I almost laughed. That almost-laugh was quickly overridden by another moan as Hyde’s hands found me, hard and begging for attention.
“I’ll take care of it,” he told me, stroking me in a languid motion. I groaned and bit my lip, tasting blood for the second time within the span of a few minutes. He smiled, rising so that our faces were level, and licked the crimson fluid away. He slid his tongue inside my mouth, kissing me so roughly that if I didn’t open my mouth wider, my lips would be bruised.
His hand continued its stroking, and I broke away from him, resting my head on his shoulder and making encouraging noises.
Hyde gripped me harder and whispered, “Do you want me to stop, Kyo-kun?”
Hell no, I didn’t want him to stop. “No,” I managed to rasp.
“Interesting.” He buried his face between my neck and shoulder and bit down. I cried out and raised my head from his shoulder. I felt blood trickling down my neck and when I looked at him, his lips were bloody. Hyde was quite the biter.
He suckled at the wound a few moments, and then he stopped stroking me. I was about to yell at him and ask him why he had stopped when I told him not to, but the next thing he did made everything I was about to say go right out of my head.
He bent down again, and this time he knelt completely. Using both hands, he guided me into his mouth, and I gasped, all thoughts of reprimanding him forgotten. His mouth was so wonderfully wet. He used his tongue and lips with such skill I hadn’t known even existed, and in that moment I couldn’t help but twine my fingers in his hair and thrust forward into that wetness. Hyde took all of me, all that I gave, and didn’t seem to be having any trouble at all.
When I came, it was not a quiet sound I made. I slumped against the wall and would have been quite happy sliding to the floor had Hyde not caught me around the waist and kissed me again. I could taste myself in his mouth. It was an odd taste, but not unpleasant.
“I want you now,” he whispered against my lips. “I do not feel like being nice any longer.”
“Take me,” I demanded.
He regarded me for a moment with something akin to worry. “It will hurt.”
“It’s not like I haven’t been fucked before.” I kissed his swollen lips, grinding my hips into his. When I pulled away, I was satisfied to see that the look in his eyes had changed once again to desire. He pushed himself away from me, pulling his shirt over his head.
“I won’t be gentle.”
A corner of my mouth turned up in a half-smile. “I like it rough.”
He disrobed quickly and I watched, watched as every single piece of cloth he wore was stripped away from that beautiful skin. The thought of him nude and doing nothing more than shoving himself inside of me over and over again made my breath catch in my throat.
I think I became worried at some point. What if someone really did come in and see us? Honestly, at that moment, did I really care? Wasn’t that part of the fun, anyway? The walls seemed thick enough; hopefully none of the personnel had heard us. Or maybe they had and were too embarrassed to do anything about it.
Hyde was long and hard and more than ready. He grabbed me and turned me toward the sink. I suppose he believed that it would be easier that way, somehow. I had but a glimpse of him over my shoulder and then I was forced to look into the mirror in front of me. I looked half-crazed.
I dared not look past my reflection to Hyde’s, not yet. Again, this was his moment, not mine. I did, however, feel his fingers probing between my legs for a second or two. Something wet touched the ring of muscle he would soon be inside, and I realized he had spit onto his fingers in order to provide some lubrication. Saliva is not the best lubricant. I knew it would still hurt.
I knew it and I welcomed it.
He took hold of my hips, and then he was inside of me. I will not lie to you and tell you it didn’t hurt, because it did. It hurt like hell, and I cried out from the pain. He shoved against that tightness, and this time I managed a groan instead of a scream.
When he was sheathed inside of me as far as he could go, he whispered into my ear, “There was no lube. I told you it would hurt.”
“I know.” My voice sounded strange, even to myself.
He slid out part way, and then pushed himself back in again. After that, there was just his body inside of mine. He was a fierce lover, and while he was thrusting in and out of me, I couldn’t help but believe that his wife was definitely not fulfilling his sexual needs. He thrust inside of me as hard and fast as he could, and I could hear the sound of flesh hitting flesh. I could also hear myself moaning, and I felt his nails digging into my hips. Briefly, I wondered if I was bleeding.
Hyde pounded himself into me and my breathing came faster, harsher. Once, he stopped and adjusted himself as if he were looking for something deep inside of me. When he seemed satisfied, he thrust into me again, and I cried out. He began moving again, just as fast and hard as before, but now he had found that place inside of me and was running over it again and again and again. The feel of him within me danced the thin line between pleasure and pain until I didn’t know which one I was feeling the most of - pain or pleasure. Something this primitive, this primal... it seemed so much better this way.
I had to see him. I looked into the mirror a second time and found him to be utterly beautiful. His face was filled with what seemed to be fulfillment, as if he was finally allowed something he had desired for a very, very long time. When he saw me looking at him, those dark eyes turned angry, and he forced my head down so that I couldn’t look into the mirror anymore.
His moment. Right.
He began breathing harder, and his thrusts took on an urgency, faster, harder, until I screamed, white liquid spurting onto the wall and the sink. Still, he did not stop. Suddenly, he slowed down; he shuddered, and I felt him orgasm deep inside of me. It was then that I realized I was screaming again, and this time, he was screaming too.
My legs gave way and I slid to the floor, coming to rest on my knees. Hyde knelt as well, still behind me. He rested his chin on my shoulder. “Thank you,” he said, his voice sounding hoarse.
I had to swallow twice before I could answer him. “My pleasure.”
“We will meet again, Kyo-kun.” He leaned forward further, and I tilted my head slightly so he could kiss me gently on the lips. Then he put his clothes on and left.
I waited a few moments before standing on trembling legs, getting dressed, and wandering to my room. It had happened. Not the way I’d imagined, but I had had sex with him. He had fucked me.
Somewhere between the bathroom and my room, I realized just how beautiful he truly is.
Somewhere between that night and the next morning, I realized that my bandmates would have a few questions for me.
Somewhere between waking up and going down for breakfast the following morning (and being completely surprised that my bandmates had remained silent), I realized that I wanted to see him again.
Only then, I found out that he and the rest of L’Arc~en~Ciel had checked out before I had even thought of getting out of bed.
Somewhere between the time it took to get from the hotel to the studio, I realized that it hurt to think about him.
Somewhere between the time it took to get from the studio to my home, I realized that I wanted him even more now that I had had a taste of his sweet flesh.
Ten minutes ago, I realized that I have made the biggest mistake of my entire life.
What mistake is that, you ask? Was drinking with him in the bar a mistake? Was dancing with him a mistake? Was having sex with him a mistake?
No. None of those were mistakes. Not the drinking, not the dancing, and not the sex.
You remember how I told you earlier that I don’t love him? Well, I lied.
Becoming attached to him in one night, letting my emotions become involved, that is a mistake.
But... we all make mistakes...