Pairing: Yuki/Hyde, Hyde/Megumi
Fandom: L’Arc~en~Ciel (JRock)
Theme: #4 – Our Distance and That Person
Disclaimer: I don’t own any of these people. Dun sue me, please.
Summary: Megumi is wide awake and Hyde isn’t home. Where could he be?
Notes: I wanted to get one more in before I start uni again on Monday. :D This is kinda a retaliation fic, in a way. I’m pretty tired of a few of the Hyde/L’Arc fans hating Megumi. And I’ll admit, I’ve made her pretty evil in some of my previous fics. But I have always held her with the utmost respect… I believe that if Hyde is happy with her, then the fans should be happy, too, instead of whinging about him not being theirs. ^^;;; Anyway… this fic makes Hyde out to be the bad guy again. *LOL* Doesn’t it want to make you give Megu a big hug? Eleventh 30_kisses fic.
The moonlight is beautiful as it filters through the window, casting shadows around the bedroom. I can see my reflection in the dresser mirror, and the moonlight casts an eerie glow on my skin. If you were here, you’d probably be able to appreciate the scene. You’ve always liked dark things, strange shadows… it’s one of the things that drew me to you, when we first met.
But it’s after two in the morning, and you aren’t here. I always have difficulty falling asleep without you – I’ve told you this before. But, that doesn’t change the fact that you aren’t here right now, and it doesn’t change the fact that these little outings of yours - that sometimes last until just before the break of dawn - have been going on for quite some time now.
You always make some excuse about not being able to sleep. Of course you can’t sleep, considering where you are and what you’re doing while you should be asleep. You think that just because I don’t question you, I don’t know where you are. Do you really think you married a moron, Hideto?
I don’t continue to question you after I ask you where you’ve been. I don’t accuse you of lying when you tell me “Oh, honey, I just couldn’t sleep is all.” Because it is the truth. It’s just not the whole truth; I know this.
I don’t push the topic, because I know the instant I hear you speak the words aloud – the instant you tell me where you’ve really been all this time – that’s when it will become undeniably real, and that’s when I’ll break down. I can feel myself cracking on the inside with each passing day, but you never notice it. You never notice me anymore, not really. A lot of times when you look at me, it’s as if you’re looking right through me… like you’re not seeing me.
You look at him differently. You look at him the way you used to look at me. You think I don’t notice it, but I do. You’ve tried so hard to keep it completely hidden from me, but I know more about you than I think you give me credit for.
I saw you with him the other day, you know. I saw his arm around you and I saw your head resting on his shoulder. Just moments later, I saw the small smile playing upon your lips as you leaned up just a little to kiss him. It was a chaste kiss, lest anyone walk around the corner and interrupt the moment that the two of you were sharing.
I nearly dropped the dish I was holding then, when I saw you. But I didn’t want you to see me, so I disappeared quickly back into the kitchen and continued washing the dishes, barely refraining from throwing a few of them on the floor just to watch them shatter, because I had to watch as my entire life shattered when you kissed him. I could feel tears in my eyes, but I blinked furiously in a desperate attempt to hold them back, just to keep you from asking questions.
When I heard you tell him goodbye and shut the door quietly, my heart began thundering in my ears because for one terrifying moment I thought that you had seen me, watching the two of you. But you only came to stand behind me, pressing a gentle kiss to the side of my neck. And then you asked me what I was planning on making for dinner.
It was such a normal, everyday question, and I found myself believing it to be a temporary sort of salvation. I asked you if curry would be fine, and you replied that it would be wonderful. You then asked me if anything was wrong. I think my heart stopped beating for a second or two, and then I told you that I was fine, that nothing at all was wrong. You placed your fingers beneath my chin and turned my head so that you could press your lips to mine, and it felt wrong to have you kiss me, after what I had just witnessed.
When you pulled away, you told me that you were going to take a shower. I nodded and watched you head upstairs. Only when I heard your retreating footsteps… only when I knew you would be in the bathroom, did I allow myself to sag against the sink, tears streaming down my face.
Why am I not good enough for you?
When we took our marriage vows, I made a promise to myself. I promised that I would never betray the sanctity of our marriage – that I would never betray you, as your wife. I had only eyes for you. These eyes have always been for you, and you alone.
Yours just aren’t for me anymore, are they?
I always believed that if you were to have an affair, it would be with another woman. I never told you about how jealous I was of Chiaki, did I? I thought you’d fall for her, because she was so beautiful and truly seemed to know how to handle her men.
But it wasn’t her. It’s never been another woman, has it?
All along, it’s been him.
I wondered when we first started dating if there had been something between you and Tetsu, once before, because the two of you had always been so close and I know there’s a part of your heart that’s reserved for him and him alone. No-one else can touch it. Eventually, I chalked it up to the fact that you and he are best friends… and that’s all it has been, all along.
You and Ken always got along quite well. I’ve heard your telephone conversations, and you always wind up laughing every time the two of you talk. Perhaps it’s the fact that both of your minds have a permanent residence in the gutter. I never believed I had anything to worry about with him, though, and I was right: there’s nothing to worry about, not from him.
When you went off to Taiwan with Gackt, my stomach churned. Both men and women alike would probably hack off a limb or two just to have a shot at being in the same room with the man… how do you think they’d react if they were offered a chance to sleep with him? And he always fawned over you… but you would call me every single night, and your voice would reassure me. I would know every single time that I heard your voice that Gackt was not someone to worry about either.
I became suspicious of Sakura after you finally told me about him. The ex-drummer of your band – the one that had problems that he needed to work out for himself, you told me. You always seemed so sad when you mentioned him, until just last year, when you smiled and told me that seven years can really change a person and that he’s doing so much better. I was glad to hear that; I was happy to see the smile on your face. You seemed so proud of him. And when you wrapped your arms around me after telling me the news, I realized that perhaps you and Sakura did have a history, but that’s all it was, and that’s all it is – a history.
I thought I had scratched out all possibilities. Boy, was I wrong. It turns out that the one person that I had no reason at all to suspect is the one that you’ve been with for—
For how long, Hideto? Exactly how long has this been going on? I’m too afraid to ask.
Yuki. The quiet, shy drummer. I never would have suspected him in a thousand years. I thought I had no reason to. I didn’t even know that you and he were that close. Have I really been so blind this whole time?
Maybe it wouldn’t be such a shock to the system if I knew it was just for sex. But I know it’s not just sex between the two of you – it’s love, isn’t it? I can see it in your eyes when you finally come to our bed at whatever ungodly hour of the morning it is when you decide to show up. I can see how it almost breaks your heart to have to climb into a bed that doesn’t have him in it. No, no… this bed only contains your wife, after all.
And that’s just not good enough, is it?
I hate this distance between us. I hate that you’ve resorted to going behind my back… I hate that you’ve broken our marriage vows in such a manner. But, what can I do, really? Confront you about it? I can’t ask for a divorce, and I know that you won’t, either. I’ll just let things go on as they are, and you can have your little boyfriend on the side because I refuse to rip our little girl’s heart to shreds by telling her that Daddy doesn’t think Mommy’s good enough for him anymore.
Speaking of our little girl, she’s been missing you a lot these past several weeks. Some nights, you leave before she falls asleep, and she asks me where you’ve gone to. I always tell her that you’ve gone out to work because Daddy’s a busy man, but that’s an excuse that I can’t believe in myself, because I know where you are. She asks me for an extra kiss goodnight when you aren’t here, because she misses Daddy’s goodnight kiss and she needs an extra one from Mommy to make up for the lack of Daddy’s.
It’s pretty sad that our family’s reduced itself to this.
I stare blankly at the ceiling, my eyes now having fully adjusted to the darkness of our bedroom, and I wonder what you’re doing right now. I wonder if you cry out his name when the two of you make love, and I wonder how many times you’ve had to remind yourself not to cry out his name when you make love to me.
I wonder if he touches you in all the right places - if he knows all the places on your body that make you gasp and arch your back just a little… like that spot just beneath your ear.
I wonder if you tangle your fingers in his hair… I wonder if you gaze into his eyes. I wonder if you kiss him softly, or if you kiss him with pure, unrelenting need.
I wonder, after you’ve finished, if you lay in his arms or he lays in yours. I wonder if he runs his fingers through your hair. I wonder if you tell him how beautiful you think he is.
I wonder what you look like when you have to leave him and return home to me. I wonder if he begs you not to go. I wonder if you lean down to kiss him and murmur against his lips that you love him, just before walking out the door.
These are all thoughts that I will never know the answers to, because I will never venture to ask for said answers. I think you know this as well as I do.
It is well after three in the morning when I hear your footsteps coming up the stairs. I tense a little, awaiting your entry. The door opens and in the next moment, you’ve slid into bed beside me. You smell of sex and also of his cologne.
I roll over to look at you, and you gaze right back, the look in your eyes somewhat blank. “Honey,” I begin, having to swallow twice before I can continue, “where have you been?”
Your eyes don’t even widen at the question. You don’t show a bit of guilt, and you didn’t the first time I asked you this question.
“Couldn’t sleep,” you answer softly, reaching out to smooth a few strands of stray hair away from my face. “I decided to go out for a while.” Your arms slide around me then and you pull me close. I bury my face into your chest, wanting to hold onto this moment and believe that it’s for us – just for you and me, as it very well should be. But I know that it’s not me you’re thinking of.
“Guess I’m coming down with insomnia,” you continue, chuckling softly.
I want to sob at hearing those words; I want to look at you and tell you that I’m the one with insomnia, all because of you and your damn infidelity. But I bite back those words and instead, very softly, I suggest that perhaps you should consider going to a doctor, if this continues.
You brush away my concern and tell me that everything will be fine and now that you’ve done what you need to do for the night, you can finally get some shuteye.
Your breathing evens out soon enough, indicating sleep. You would be tired, wouldn’t you? I’m sure you’ve had a busy night.
I, on the other hand, cannot fall asleep. So I lay awake in your arms, listening to your breathing and the steady beat of your heart. You’re sleeping so soundly, and you’re holding onto me tightly, but I know that you’re wishing that Yuki was the one in your arms, instead of me.
You’re holding me as close as you possibly can, there is no space at all between our bodies, and yet I’ve never felt further away from you. I feel as if there are thousands upon thousands of miles between us, and I don’t like that feeling. But, what can I do about it, really?
So, while you are sleeping peacefully beside me, I am wide awake in your arms, a million thoughts running through my head, a million emotions coursing through me: betrayal, sadness, loathing, uncertainty, fear…
But above all, there is the pain. That is the main thing that is keeping me awake: this numbing pain.
And this numbing pain is a result of our distance… and that person.
I’ve never felt so far away from you. You’re here and you’re warm beside me, but you’re not here at all, I know. You’re somewhere else, with someone else.
I’m just confused as to why I’m not good enough for you. Maybe if I had a few answers, I might be able to try and understand. But I won’t ever ask, and you won’t ever tell.
I’m tired of the lies and I’m tired of the hiding and I’m tired of trying to keep everything together. I’m tired… just so tired. I need rest, but I can’t sleep.
Insomnia is not good; it always makes me think too much.
And thinking lately… it always hurts.