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bloody french... i tell u, if it wasnt for their movies (lol private joke)!

my plans were foiled yesterday by the amazing weather. dont get me wrong, i love snow as much as the next guy, but james got snowed in and i didnt get to see brand new :(. haha the funny thing was that it was meant to be mine and crazy internet girl's first "rendezvous". haha, wasnt meant to be... fate was sparing me lol jk. i was actually lookin forward to it act, but it'll have to be left for another time.
oh fuck yeh, i got my funeral for a friend tix this mornin... woo hoo. and only few more days till tonio arrives. this week is soo gonna rock! but i cant help feel that im missin something... dunno what it is yet, or maybe i dont want to know... but either way im gonna try and have as much fun as possible :)
  • Current Music
    incubus - crow left of murder (how good is this already!)
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my january zen

argh this bloody thing fucked me over... i just wrote a whole thing, and i pressed something and now its fucking gone :( ironic since i just wrote a whole segment about being "happy", since i have no more exams, and i have at least one gig lined up everyweek till march. woohooo, hearing aid here i come! but yeh, thats all i pretty much said, cept THE FUCKING USED ALBUM IS SOO FUCKING GOOD! oh and that gip and i have what seems like the making of a new band on the horizon. FUCK YEH! i just hope things carry on this well for me this year!
  • Current Music
    the used... right now "pieces mended"
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(no subject)

well dispite my of everything that i know i shud have been doing the last two nights, i just thought to myself "fuck it", and went out drinking 2 nights in a row (sad i know, but i missed my drink). on friday it was kinda pao's and his brother's "do", as he got himself a new job (which pays fuck loads). night was pretty kool. went to "tates" which was ok. it looked kinda shit at first since there werent any fit women there, but round about 10, it got really gud. oh i saw this really fit girl on the edge of the dance floor. i mean "jaw-dropping" good. i felt like i was in secondary school again, coz my hands were sweaty and i was feeling nervous about saying 'hello'. but i did play the "look at each other and smile" game... which im glad to say she responded to. she did dispear b4 i had the chance to sey hello tho, which sucked big time. i did spend most of the evening getting to know alexia, pao's sis. which was kool, coz shes fun to talk to, but i think with the amount of time we talked anyone wud think we were dating (wait till i get to what happened last night). but i dont think i "liked" her. but anyway, i was really tired on friday coz of my exam, so we left around half 11. oh and since alexia and i both lived in shepherds bush, we planned to leave together. well b4 we parted ways on friday, she said that i shud come along the following night as it was keltze's bday "do". and after pao ringing me a bunch of times on sat i did. alexia and i met in shepherds stn, and met the guys outside haagan das. i kinda felt bad for not gettin keltze a prezzy, as i have known her for a while, but i only knew it was her bday the night b4. but yeh, the night was gud. met a few new ppl, and got slightly pissed. although i did spend most of my time with alexia again. apparently while i was talkin at the other side of the bar, ppl asked her if i was her bf, but she (jokingly) lead ppl to think i was her "toyboy" lol. yeh, she wishes. dunno if'd ever cross that line anyway, with her being pao's sister and me being fickle with my new "short term, less hurt" philosophy of relationships. but it does get annoying since most of my m8's have found really nice g/f, and in my case i've been a "one hit wonder" followed by a couple of regretable occasions :(. but i've moved on (oh yeh, which u soo tell) and im gonna look to whats ahead, instead of whats behind. but fuck this, im off
  • Current Music
    the used - buried myself alive
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a moment of clarity

i've come to accept that i will always put off uni work till im doing something that i truely love, so im not going to go on about it. its been a few days since i've written in this thing, and as i look/read back on what i've written (including 2 private entries) how completely fickle am i towards my emotions. i mean damn! sounds like im really making a mountain out nothing. but i guess at the time i was really knee deep in it all, and i had not had a conversation with anyone in person (apart from my mum) for a few days. which i guess isn't too healthy. but i can thank the nice ppl at uni for that.
im so happy that i have soo many gigs and plans lined up, once my exams are over, that i just cant wait!! this break has given me a chance to recharge my batteries, so i shud be back to full strength after this. oh and hopefully start dating again. i've decided no more long term stuff for a while. im just gonna go with the flow, and enjoy being 20! im in a new demographic (lol thinks back to the time when women at tesco asks maz "what ages group r u in" to buy beer, and him replying "age group? 20 to 25" jokingly... and him having to show ID anyway) so i figure why not jump in feet first.
  • Current Music
    u want romance? - funeral for a friend
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why am i writing when i shud be revising!!!

i don't even know why im writing something right now when i know i shud be revising as i have about 3hrs left b4 my exam. no earth shattering revelations today... my mind has finally found something else to occupy it. and its currently "panic". doug slept-in today which meant i had to open by myself. i was sooo fucking board! i was just randomly txting ppl, and getting pissed off with the stupidity of some customers. there shud be a law that allows u smack ppl over the head for asking u stupid questions. for eg "can i sign up with my NUS"???! or better yet with a MASSIVE ORANGE SALE POSTER outside... "do u sell films in here, and if u do have u got any offer?" im mean comeon... wtf wrong with some of the ppl out there.
oh i did feel bad when a regular came in, and i was being too sarcastic, and he was like "um, ok im gonna speak to my m8" and as walked away he said "coz u dont seem to like me..." i felt really bad after that, and i helped get a really good film. i sometimes wonder about my sarcasm, and how far i let it go. i shud start being aware of how necessary it actually is. coz as harmless i feel it is, some ppl just don't take it as i hope they wud (or im just saying the wrong thing). i remember maz mentioning something once, but i didnt take him seriously (it was in his pouting phase). but after hearin what i did today, im having second thoughts. but apart from that, lifes good and im gonna try and sort out my procrastination prob... in other words, stick to my new years resolution. it SHALL be my year!!
  • Current Music
    the used - taste of ink [don't u just love this song] :o)
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(no subject)

im feeling good about things today. even thought not much has changed today, i feel positive towards whats coming. i've felt really emotionally jaded these past few days. had a few revelations about myself. but i think the lack in scoial interaction over the last week, meant my mind has blown a few things out of proportion. i think i was finding it hard to stick things into perspective. i never realized how "much" i actually enjoy being with my friends. im feeling comforted by the fact that they're missing me too. its strange to say, but i never thought that i was an esstential "corner stone" of my group. like i didn't even think they'd notice me gone for 2weeks. but having them call me to see how im doing, and making plans for when im done, has made me feel great! its strange since im the kinda person who instigates things coz i think nothing will usually happen otherwise... and watching those guys plan somethin without me having to get involved feels good! im soo lucky, i have the best friends in the world :)

btw, these are the most emotional lyircs i've ever heard i just had to included them somewhere. olly puts real feelings on them live!

"all i can be, all i can be. oh, it makes easier when ur there. so this is my one love, all i can't scream and so instead... i will sing. for once i have become, whats inside my positivity... just for a while. but thank whatever for just that
  • Current Music
    foo fighters - aurora
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i mar the chance

fuck fuck fuck fuck. well the most annoying thing has just happened! maz and tasha r back together! i mean wtf!. maz told me he basically broke up with her to "sow his wild oats", and she told me that if he did that to her "again", she'd never take him back... bah fuck this. i have officially given up on her. i need more than a faint glimpse of a relationship on the distance. im just gonna keep my options open.
OH GREAT NEWS!(yes i know how fickle it sounds considering the above) tonio is coming to visit for a few days in feb. at last someone with the same partying principle as me will be here! woohoo. can't wait to see him again. i do miss our little brandon boyd lol
  • Current Music
    story of the year - anthem of our dying day
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bordom reaches new heights

hmm... well i did it. i actually got soo bored that im creating another account on the net. im really hoping this doesn't turn into one of those weird addictions, where i'll have to attend meetings and "share" my emotions with 50 year old, blazer wearing, men . actually the whole "idea" of keeping a diary/journal/biography seems kinda vain, and makes me think i shud have gone through experiences like a family feud, a couple of short standing marriages, a drinking problem passed onto me by my father (wait, i think that one may be true, cept for the "passed on" bit), and a few juxtaposed carriers due to my indecisive nature. But yeah... i guess i shud stop my rambling. hmm, reading this back so far, it kinda sounds like im up my own arse... but im not going to edit it, coz im allowed to sound like that, since its my journal and i feel like venting.
well im having time off work now (2weeks) coz of my fucking exams, which i am NOT ready for, considering i shud have started revising over xmas, but with it being the holidays & my bday... its kinda hard to step into gear. but at least it went ok. my dad flew in for it again (groan), and as u can tell, i was looking forward to THAT. Im not sure if i'll ever be close to him again, just for the fact that he lives in oblivion, and has such a simple outlook its UNBELIEVABLE! sounds harsh, but when read in context with everything, it's really fucking KIND (lol, what an oxymoron). but i feel i've reached a point where i've delt and accepted, so im just gonna go with the flow from now.
Oh i've decided (well taken paolo's suggestion) to not bother with relationships for now. ive got soo much going on, it'll be wise to be single for a while. but i can't help but think that valentines is just around the corner, and that im gonna be single AGAIN... **segue** I've been think about the ffaf gig in feb too, coz now that maz and tasha have broken up, im thinking of making a move on tash. maz has been really distant as of late, and ever since he's quit nepathe, things between us have been weird. its not that anyones to blame, but i dunno. maz is really hard to read, specially when he's upset. he can get really quiet sometimes. but its strange, when he's happy he can be the life of the party (thinks back to the fony gig at the peel, where he got pete, phil, and ryan to sign his nipple lol, good times). i don't think he's particularly deep, but when he doesn't want to talk, he's not going to, and thats final. but yeah, back to the topic, its this distance that'll help incase i do make a move on tash (im a terrible friend :( ). but its just that she's sooooo amazing, and i don't think i've met(or will meet) anyone like! i wud have never realized how much, if it weren't for our time in spain... there had to be something there... coz maz was being a dick (for the beginning part anyway) and since she & i love having fun whilst pissed... it was bound to happen. i remember one drunken nite at bar Itaca, where we were getting quite deep, and hands were moving(nothing major, just hers on mine) then maz came in to get his drink and left again... aaarrghh. frustration at its best. but i wudn't have done anything tho, coz it maz was one of my best mates (still is i guess)and i wudn't ruin that (damn having morales).
but enough of me going on about the past! if she's still not seeing anyone, im definitely gonna try and speak to her alone (fingers crossed).
FUCK ME, for someone who didn't think they needed a journal, i do write a lot don't i. but i guess that was a summary of what things that have been going through my mind since xmas. I really hope this year is going to be better in terms of uni, friends, and bandwise. im really sad about my old band breaking up, i had soooo much fun with those guys. we bonded so well, and since i feel music is my vocation, it was just bliss. everytime i see fony and i can't help but think we cud be riding the success wagon aswell. i mean ffaf supported them twice last year when i saw them, and even tho i didn't think they were that special... look at how far ffaf got this last year. makes me kinda sad. i always thought music was where i'd end up. uni was just a way to get my parents off my back.
bah, i shall SHUTUP finally, get some rest... don't want to be too fucked for my driving lesson later... might hit a dear or something :S
  • Current Music
    fony - make shift prt1 & 2