_neophyte (_neophyte) wrote,
_neophyte
_neophyte

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i let the fear take the wheel and steer

hmm, to read back on my last entry, i realize how pathetic it sounds, and makes me wonder what runs through my head at times. im in danger of doin badly at uni for the second semester in a row. although ive lost my passion for education... i feel soo lost sometimes (help!). i 'want' to carry on sometimes, just coz it wud make things easier on ppl (family/friends/gf etc) but i DONT think its what i ultimately wanna do. why is it soo hard to follow what you heart sometimes... if life only followed the one and true concept of hedonism, then wouldnt things be soo much easier!? i hate it when ur talkin to new ppl, and they ask me about what i do, and i tell them. but, i feel i wouldnt know how to justify myself not followin the road that has been clearly laid out for me. i know that if i was honest with myself i would want music to be my one and only true vocation, but i get frozen by my fears... of not being anygood, not having that edge that makes me stand out of a crowd. but if i love it soo much, isnt it worth risking it for...?! or am i just running away from lifes responsibilites and slow but known truth, that i shall end up in a 9-5, worked to death, underpaid and unhappy?! the only hope in my life is having found what im sure is 'love'. constance make me feel alive, more than anyone b4, and probably everafter. i dont understand it sometimes, but i dont i want to. things are just goin soo well now, it actually makes me sad NOT seeing her or being able to stay with her for long period of times. life is soo confusing right now... ive been at this cross road b4, and i just seem to pass it off with wishful thinking. but im tired of this, and i wish there was someway to know... its always at times like these, i would become a hypocrite and pray for some sort of sign to know what to do with my life. im in danger of havin a quarter life crisis at 20, and thats quite daunting in-itself. bah... the ramble has gone on for far too long. im just gonna hit the sack and hope things look rather more lucid in the morning!
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