April 15th, 2004

hit it

quiet things that noone ever knows

hmm, well fuck that last entry thats on here... when i first met connie i didnt think things cud be this good. actually to be honest, i never thought that things with ANYONE cud be this good. whenever u hear about love, ur always left with movie cliche's and the reassurance that it will come true... but i had become sceptical that i wud ever find it for real. hmm, but now i find myself saying and doin this that i have never done with anyone b4. it scares me a lot tho sometimes. everytime i see her i always find myself falling for her even more, and i cant help but think that when/if this finishes, i will literally not be able to recover from it, and be left bitter and twisted :s. its never been like this b4, even with other girls. also, i find myself being a lot MORE jealous with her than anyone b4. coz EVERTIME she brings up an "ex" or a friend that she's been with, i get this like sickly feeling in my stomach, and coz of how amazingly perfect she is, she'll realize that i might not measure up to her. seeing her and alex (her ex) was really quite hard for me, coz they seemed to be very like minded, and having loads of fun in the playground. i just felt so outta place there, and just wanted to walk away like every 5 seconds. she had said something to me on the train aswell, bout mentioning what she was thinkin about to alex, and she wudnt tell me coz id ask questions and he wudnt. i knew it was something to do with her mum, but when she said that i told her she didnt have to tell me but i didnt what to say... all the trust that i thought we had, went out the window. i mean, she must know that i only ask about things coz i wanna know about her, and help her through it if i can. but i respected her, and never mentioned anything since.
but i spent like the best evening of my life so far yesterday. we just lay on my bed next to each other, and i think i fell for her all over again! i wanted to say i wasnt gonna let her leave tonight, and that wud have just been the most amazing of nights! but she did have to get back, and i didnt wanna make things harder for her at home then they already are. i always forget about the age issue with us, coz it astounds me to think that there is someone like her out there, and she's only 16! if only i was 16 again, or she was older, then things might have been easier between us. but right now, that doesnt even enter my head anymore, im just glad to have found her! never have these lyrics meant more to me than they have right now
"all i can be, all i can be oh, it makes it easier when ur there, so this is my one love, all i cant scream and so instead," this is the best bit "i will sing, for once i have become, whats inside, my positivity, just for a while, but thank who ever, for just that"
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