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soon your make shift wings will come undone!

really tired so this is gonna b so very short! many an interesting moment has been had since the last time ive been on here! but, i must say it feels great to b 21 right now! everything is looking up, and things can only get better (ooo chessy pop song reminder!). nite!!!!!!!!
  • Current Music
    the shins - caring is creepy
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(no subject)

well its been a long week. seems like ive been through mini war, and now im lookin back i cant really see what the whole point of it was. how ironic that that wud make it not too different from most of the wars today. although it probably nowhere near as bad as ive put it, it seems to be magnified 10-fold in my mind. lets see monday i went to work, emma was back from her xmas hols, and it was kool seein her again. we had laugh and i think i remembered why i still liked her. but i left half way thru the shift coz dav rang me up and told me about this girl he met a couple of nites b4 and how he was goin out with her again and wanted someone to come along. luckily rory popped into work and was willing to work the shift so i pretty much left after i had some of the chinese emma and i ordered. when i met dav he told me about this girl he liked. she was like 26, but he said he really clicked with her etc. bearin in mind that when he'd met her, he'd dropped a couple of pills, and she was on somethin else, so their great nite mite have been been fueled by somethin other than lust. but anyway, we went down, i met her and her friends who seemed quite nice. i think one of them had a thing for me coz she kept talkin to me the whole nite, but i was more interested in the sister of the one dav was interested in. but alas she had a bf, so i just mingled and had fun experimenting with different shots... tbc
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    elton john - tiny dancer
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...three cheers to the mirror now there are two of us, can we have one last dance

waw... what an xmas/bday/new years... i dunno, it seemed this was a bad end to an otherwise great year. but as usual i was like "shit another fuckin bday... wont these things just go in reverse or something!". but it was really majorly kool this year! got really kool prezzies and love my new clothes... it really brought back memories of how my bday was when i was a kid. there was slight touch of melancholy due to the fact that i didnt think id be single by my bday... but that was just something that i just couldnt do anythin about i guess. but i did the social thing... i think up to tuesday there wasnt a nite i had not gone out or not had a drink for about 8 or 9 days straight. it was great. i felt my bday had really come thru this year. we had maria's godparents and other family here... robertino and his gf stayed here, so i offered them my room as it was the 2nd biggest here and had a dbl bed... altho it only hit me that i didnt actually like the thought of a couple usin my bed and mayb gettin upto nocturnal activities (must remember to wash sheets... burn sheets). anyway, new years... thats the day that it all came together. had to work, but i left early and only came back to show rory the way to the fightin cock got back in kingston. couldnt believe how different tonio looked tho... but it was amazin. the new band is amazin, and i had such a fun time talkin to everyone there and catchin with a cpl of them. i did see the most amazingly beautiful person ive ever seen! and she was checkin 'me' out. so there i was thinkin 'great, im so goin for this' when i see her bf. nice, what a fuckin bitch (i mean the situation btw)... but that always happens to me, so (u think im goin write 'im used to it. but...) it just gets even more annoying when it happens!but i got to speakin to her a bit, and she was kool... love incubus, what a bitch (i mean her' this time :) and her bf turned out to b a really nice guy, so meh. anywhoo i spent new years there, we gave pete a hand packin up, opened a bottle of champagne i stole from home (well my mum said it was ok, but 'stole' makes me sound so much kooler!) and we got even more drunk than we were. well i said my goodbyes to chris, tonio, whatever was left of hannah to say bye to, pete etc... then rory and i made our way to james party and got side tracked to a chicken shop to re-fuel. after a couple of heart to hearts on the bridge with rory, and txtin everyone in my phone book (which i had to do manually coz it wudnt send it to the whole book at once, so i had to do it one at a time.... it was long!) we finally made it to the party. i ended up huggin like 20 + ppl after walkin in, and shoutin very drunken "happy 2005" to everyone. maz had passed out upstairs after him and sasha (who's real name is tasha... weird) got up to their own nocturnal activities. maz ended up sleepin thru new years... lol, he will never change. i saw somethin quite momentous... JAMES threw up! never thought id see the day! but yeh it was a long nite involving; singin, the magic of makin a pizza thanks to emily raidin the fridge, sittin with anna and tim debatin whether tim shud open her vodka and down it, teachin lewis how to b 'black', and talkin to emily for what seemed like forever! rory had passed out on the stairs at some point and then rose and made his way home coz he was opening at 12. we ended up watchin the gooines at like 6 and just crashin. i fell asleep nxt to emily and left around 9. after gettin back (still drunk from the nite b4) i crashed, called in sick at work, and woke round or 6 and went to the pub with dave and nick, and we caught up, chilled and let our bodies recover from new years. it was kool tho, coz we had a few spliffs too and i had a nice buzz.
im gonna stop these extended entries... i can just imagine how long this ones gonna b, but meh i look back on it and laugh, or fall asleep mid way thru. well im 21, and i cant wait and see wats instore!
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    the killers - jenny was a friend of mine
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(no subject)

argh, i just had like one the most hardest nites ever. everythin that i tried to avoid just somehow happened and i wasnt able tbc...
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    biffy clyro - the atrocity
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if u just fucking listen for a minute u'll c that its actually interesting

hmm, well i havent been here for a while, so i thought id update on what ive been upto these past few weeks. hmm well where to start... well since ive finished uni, ive just been working pretty much, and seeing connie. i actually do think that those have been my only two activities in my schedule, since we both finished our exams! but when i think of it in that respect, i wuda thought that we might have gotten bored of just 'goin out' or 'staying in', but i have to admit, we dont. if anything it's actually gettin better with time. we kinda had a sort of argument thingy this weekend, where we were both kinda getting upset at the other. i was kinda quiet coz i felt outta place really when i was with her and russel after work, when they had just done mushrooms. i didnt feel like being there coz it was suddenly quiet and stuff, and i dont like being the cause of it. besides the age thing does sometimes become apparent when im around her friends since their stories are pretty much "you had to be there..." stories, which doesnt exactly provide the best avenue to intigrate myself into the convo, but meh. but mayb thats just my way of gettin out of actually making an effort and starting a convo myself, instead of awaiting one to come my way. *sings along to bridge of buried myself alive*
hmm anyway where was i before i went all tangenty...
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    the used
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i let the fear take the wheel and steer

hmm, to read back on my last entry, i realize how pathetic it sounds, and makes me wonder what runs through my head at times. im in danger of doin badly at uni for the second semester in a row. although ive lost my passion for education... i feel soo lost sometimes (help!). i 'want' to carry on sometimes, just coz it wud make things easier on ppl (family/friends/gf etc) but i DONT think its what i ultimately wanna do. why is it soo hard to follow what you heart sometimes... if life only followed the one and true concept of hedonism, then wouldnt things be soo much easier!? i hate it when ur talkin to new ppl, and they ask me about what i do, and i tell them. but, i feel i wouldnt know how to justify myself not followin the road that has been clearly laid out for me. i know that if i was honest with myself i would want music to be my one and only true vocation, but i get frozen by my fears... of not being anygood, not having that edge that makes me stand out of a crowd. but if i love it soo much, isnt it worth risking it for...?! or am i just running away from lifes responsibilites and slow but known truth, that i shall end up in a 9-5, worked to death, underpaid and unhappy?! the only hope in my life is having found what im sure is 'love'. constance make me feel alive, more than anyone b4, and probably everafter. i dont understand it sometimes, but i dont i want to. things are just goin soo well now, it actually makes me sad NOT seeing her or being able to stay with her for long period of times. life is soo confusing right now... ive been at this cross road b4, and i just seem to pass it off with wishful thinking. but im tired of this, and i wish there was someway to know... its always at times like these, i would become a hypocrite and pray for some sort of sign to know what to do with my life. im in danger of havin a quarter life crisis at 20, and thats quite daunting in-itself. bah... the ramble has gone on for far too long. im just gonna hit the sack and hope things look rather more lucid in the morning!
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    Amelie Poulain - yann tiersen
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just to feel something

hmm, cant seem to sleep right now. things keep floatin round my headin bout everything thats been happenin this week. my poor brain has been overthinkin things again. the main thing thats been on my mind is stuff with connie and i. i really hate how jealous i have become, and to be honest, if it was the reverse i wud get really pissed off at the fact that i wud think my gf didnt trust me. but the shit with this guy from faceparty makes me really uncomfortable... i mean comeon, how wud u feel if ur gf came to ur house to be with u, and this guys name kept poppin into the conversations AND rite when ur feelin really close to her, she goes and give that guy her fuckin phone number rite in-fucking-front of u and u just sit there thinkin to urself "wtf". ever since that happened yesterday, and i saw how they spoke, i just thought to myself im soo gonna get the biggest fuckin heart break in this relationship and i KNOW IT. connies gonna find someone else whos better for her and makes her happy, and im just gonna be soo fuckin devastated my heart may never recover. i wish sometimes we hadnt had met, so when this do go wrong i dont have to think about the fact about how i found love and it didnt want me :(. i really do hope that connie and i wud stay together and live up to our presumptions... coz that wud be it for me, and i cud just live life to fullest and enjoy the ride until the day i die. hmm, feels better to just chat shit on this thing sometimes, just coz cant really bring this up with anyone else. i know connie might read this one day, but mayb then things with my jealousy might wud have improved.
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    the used - blue and yellow
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quiet things that noone ever knows

hmm, well fuck that last entry thats on here... when i first met connie i didnt think things cud be this good. actually to be honest, i never thought that things with ANYONE cud be this good. whenever u hear about love, ur always left with movie cliche's and the reassurance that it will come true... but i had become sceptical that i wud ever find it for real. hmm, but now i find myself saying and doin this that i have never done with anyone b4. it scares me a lot tho sometimes. everytime i see her i always find myself falling for her even more, and i cant help but think that when/if this finishes, i will literally not be able to recover from it, and be left bitter and twisted :s. its never been like this b4, even with other girls. also, i find myself being a lot MORE jealous with her than anyone b4. coz EVERTIME she brings up an "ex" or a friend that she's been with, i get this like sickly feeling in my stomach, and coz of how amazingly perfect she is, she'll realize that i might not measure up to her. seeing her and alex (her ex) was really quite hard for me, coz they seemed to be very like minded, and having loads of fun in the playground. i just felt so outta place there, and just wanted to walk away like every 5 seconds. she had said something to me on the train aswell, bout mentioning what she was thinkin about to alex, and she wudnt tell me coz id ask questions and he wudnt. i knew it was something to do with her mum, but when she said that i told her she didnt have to tell me but i didnt what to say... all the trust that i thought we had, went out the window. i mean, she must know that i only ask about things coz i wanna know about her, and help her through it if i can. but i respected her, and never mentioned anything since.
but i spent like the best evening of my life so far yesterday. we just lay on my bed next to each other, and i think i fell for her all over again! i wanted to say i wasnt gonna let her leave tonight, and that wud have just been the most amazing of nights! but she did have to get back, and i didnt wanna make things harder for her at home then they already are. i always forget about the age issue with us, coz it astounds me to think that there is someone like her out there, and she's only 16! if only i was 16 again, or she was older, then things might have been easier between us. but right now, that doesnt even enter my head anymore, im just glad to have found her! never have these lyrics meant more to me than they have right now
"all i can be, all i can be oh, it makes it easier when ur there, so this is my one love, all i cant scream and so instead," this is the best bit "i will sing, for once i have become, whats inside, my positivity, just for a while, but thank who ever, for just that"
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    brand new - the quiet things that noone ever knows
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meh

hmm... i never get to write in this thing anymore, and i havent figured out if thats a good thing or not. well to make a long story short, the "connie" situation was goin really really well till today :s. well i went to maz's party on sat and coz we were both pissed, and i was passed out upstairs and she was sent in by maz to wake and seduce me. it worked, and we moved really much faster than i thought we wud. but it felt right, and it usually does with connie. my only concern is how quickly this will fade for me as i can become very fickle very soon, and given the age thing, it might make things well hard. she mentioned something about rob sayin "i was too old" for her. and that made me think... i really dont wanna be the chessy older guy with the 16yr old gf. even though i like connie a lot. in some ways shes very mature for 16, but then again, theres a few things that at 16, u just have no clue about. if i met her in a couple of years, or if she was a couple of years older this wud be great. but as it stands, im not sure how this is gonna end, but i fear badly. ARGH! only "i" wud find someone soo great, AND find the biggest 'catch' to go with it!
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    brand new - guernica
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change

man its been a while since i've been on here. so to catch up on whats happened, ive been hecticly busy at uni and work (cant believe ricky's gone again, but the new guys is kool). ffaf gig went amazingly, and unfortunately i only saw tonio for like half and hour, but oh well, what can u do. he sent me a link of his new band... they're good, but not as good as we were in my opinion.
love lifes been "dead" as of late. ive met a couple of girls who seem quite nice... but noone that has made me go "waw". i offically applied for a flat today... oo scary. its feels all grown up. i've also made up my mind about what i wanna do with my life. i put it off for soo long it started to cripple me, but now thats its out of the way, i can start moving on. im gonna pursue music as much as i can during my degree, and if something happens, then im gonna go with it, if not, then i'll have to keep doin something with it. its seems to be one of the only things that makes me happy now adays. well thats enough for now, but
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    incubus - sick, sad, little world