(no subject)

hey where did we go? days when the rains came, down in the hollow, playin a new game, laughin and runnin, skippin and a jumpin, in the misty mornin fog with our hearts a thumpin and you, my brown eyed girl. you're my brown eyed girl.

whatever happened to tuesday and so slow, goin down the mind, with a transistor radio, standing in the sunlight laughing, hiding behind a rainbow's wall, slippin and sliding, all along the water fall, with you, my brown eyed girl. you're my brown eyed.

so hard to find my way, now that i'm all on my own, i saw you the other day, my how you've grown, cast my memory back there, lord, sometime i'm overcome thinkin bout makin love in the green grass behind the stadium with you, my brown eyed girl. you're my brown eyed girl.

do you remember when...we used to sing...sha la la la la la la la la la la de da


heh, you know those songs that just bring a smile to your face? that's one of mine. i swear i could be in the absolute best mood, but i'd still have to sing sha la la la la la la la la de da cause that song is just..too...good.

so yesterday was the rainy day, but i got the rainy day feeling in my tummy today. i rarely write interesting things in here these days. the day i finally decide to write in here, and there's FAR too many things i've failed to mention that it's hard to catch up. i've had the randomest of thoughts lately. SOOOOO RANDOM. i'll try to remember em.

today i went to the grocery store to pick up...errr...midol...ah hem. then i walk outside, there's a car coming so i stop, and the car slows up right next to me but continues to move. the driver looks right at me the entire time. it passes me, and i continue walking. car stops, guy opens his window, and watches me walk to my car. i look back a few times to see if he's still staring, and sure enough, he is. he utters something, but i wasn't paying enough attention. i'm not sharing that to sound immensely vain, i just thought it was funny. people do/say the weirdest things to me. i like it just cause it's so random. i dunno. i guess that story was pretty damn pointless.

errrr speaking of vanity, i was watching tv late the other night, and they were selling...get this...MAKE UP...for 200 dollar!!!()*$#@(%@# holy. ok i realize that's chump change to some, but to me, that's so much money ;\ esp to spend on ... let me say again ... MAKE UP! errr are people that vain? arg. i'm sure i'm vain sometimes. i do complain about my hair all the time. i do wish my eyes were bigger. nose smaller. HAH i'm actually happy with my lips ;x and Lord knows everything else i complain about, but errr, the lengths people go to these days. it's scary tho isn't it? on the infomercial there was lady that goes this make up has changed my life!!! err has it really? that sounds so ridiculous to me. i buy 2 dollar mascara, and that's all i use! well...partly cause i'm as lazy as all hell, but UGH! whatever!

k so that's enough of the pot calling the kettle black.

sucks when the guy you wanna kiss lives three hours away. you can't just stop by when you please to get a kiss.

there's a semi old group called toad the wet sprocket, and they had this song, walk on the ocean. i've listened to it a few times n i really like it.

we spotted the ocean at the head of the trail. where are we going? so far away and somebody told me that this is the place where everything's better, everything's safe. walk on the ocean. step on the stones. flesh becomes water. wood becomes bone. and half and hour later, we packed up all our things, said we'd send letters and all those little things, and knew we were lying but they smiled just the same. seemed they'd already forgotten we'd came. now we're back at the homestead, where the air makes you choke, ad people don't know you, and trust is a joke. we don't even have pictures, just memories to hold, that grow sweeter each season, as we slowly grow old.

i don't even like all the song. i just like the last part. i like the idea of memories growing sweeter. God, memories are so damn good. i mean really, in the end, you remember the good stuff that happened. the bad stuff just makes the good stuff even sweeter.

i want to travel. i wanna go everywhere, i wanna see everything. last night, we went driving around atlanta. atlanta is pretty dead on tuesday nights. there weren't any people, except for the occasional homeless person, or the cop that's just sitting in his car. i wanted to get out and walk around. just for the fun of it. no one else wanted to. i don't know what my amazement is with just seeing places. you ever just stand somewhere and think how many people have stept in that exact same place. or when that place was built. or who has been in that exact same spot. or who stood there wondering the exact same thing you're wondering. God, i sound like i'm 10. i do that all the time tho. ugh. chicago. that city is so awesome. atlanta is small in comparison. the city is so much different than i've ever seen. it's so big. i want to explore the city. i mean really explore it. stay at the cheap hotels. i don't even care so much for seeing the big ritzy places, i like the old little sandwich and barber shops. arg, i can't even explain all the places i wanna see.

i want so bad to go overseas. i wanna see france, i wanna see italy, i wanna see england. i want to see ALL OF IT. i wanan go somewhere and be surrounded by mountains and hills covered in green. i wanna see places that have standed the test of time. the places that are so ridiculously old. i wanna see castles and palaces. i wanna go to europe so bad cause things over there are so much more historic than places over here. i was watching some show on pbs the other day, and it was some travel show in italy. God, if you could only see how beautiful it seemed. i want to walk down streets that were there before my ancestors were even born. i wanna see old villages, and old churches, and ugh, everything.

not just that tho, i wanna see how other people live. i'm so interested in how other people interact with other people. i've told my parents that i'm gonna live in paris one day. i mean, not even for a long time, i just want to be there, and go to the everyday shops, eat at the everyday cafe, see the everyday people. just for a summer tho. not sure i could ever live there. i want to see the same people pass everyday, and i don't want to be a tourist. that's my whole point in it all. i told sander all this, and he laughed n said well aren't you always gonna be a tourist there tho? ERGH! NO! hehe. i don't know what i'm talking about.

you know what? it's like i wanna do ALL THAT. no joke. and i will. but it's just that things aren't as good unless you have someone to share them with. i want someone else there that i can look at and know that they see exactly what i see. that sounds retarded, but you know how you can look at something and see something completely different from the next person? i want us to see the exact same thing. i want someone that when it's all over, we can look at each other and tell each other everything all over again.

ugh. so i guess i'm livin in a fantasy huh?

i have many a things to say, but i'm goin out tonight. more later. i promise.

(no subject)

i haven't updated in quite a while huh?

it's summertime. i fuckin love georgia summers. they're hot as shit, but i'm loving it. no school, and nothing but free time on my hands. i'm loving this waking up at noon shit wayyyyy too much. it's good. i needed a break.

my summer thus far has consisted of getting drunk, going to a ridiculous amount of concerts (tho i don't remember half of them...), reefer, and just sitting in the sun. it's fucking ridiculous how white my boobs and my crotch is compared to the rest of my body. tan skin is pretty damn bueno.

and then again...there's always jimmy. he's a roller coaster ride, but still my feelings for him never seem to drift. i came to the conclusion that we weren't going to be together. still i wasn't over him. i've figured out that if you really love someone, you never stop. that's why i hate so much when people say 'i fell out of love.' you don't fall out of love. you never were in love in the first place. at least, those are my feelings on the subject. i don't think you ever get over it either. you just learn to deal with the fact that it wasn't meant to be.

so i did that. well, at least, i tried. justin came along. justin is...perfect. his smile, his teeth, his hair, his body. everything. he could have any girl he wanted, and he wanted me. i still don't understand that. he says i have a way of making someone feel like they're the luckiest person in the world. he was so sweet. he was a wonderful kisser. we were never official. he was never my boyfriend. i was never his girlfriend. you'd make fun of us if you knew the dumb stuff we did for fun. we used to sit around and play video games, watch dumbass movies, makes fools of each other. i loved spending time with him. still tho, every time i kissed him, it reminded me of how much better jimmy's kisses were. i was stuck.

i swear to you, i'm not at all the girl that cries over spilled milk. i DON'T cry over guys. i'm not the girl that cries when her boyfriend dumps here. jimmy was different. doesn't that sound typical? it's the whole no one knows him like i do thing. i thought about him all the time.

it wouldn't have been so bad if we weren't such good friends to begin with. i wanted him in my life one way or another. i felt like if he weren't in my life, that i'd truly be missing out on something. so i pretty much told him he's gonna be in my life, and that's that.

i'm ridiculously forgiving. i pretty much forgave him for everything he's ever done for me, but truth is, i don't trust him. he's the one person i trusted giving no reason at all to, and he broke it. what a dumbass. but me of all people know that even the smartest people make stupid mistakes. what's the point in not forgiving? there's a small, tiny even, group of people that i'd do anything for. even forgive them when maybe they don't deserve it. call it a weakness. so i forgave him.

how was i supposed to know that when we started talking again it would go back exactly to the way it used to be? it did. as he said, we didn't even skip a beat. we were back to calling each other dumbasses and fag and the other dumb names we call each other. when we're together, the world is our jester, and we know it. we make the best of every single moment.

you know how people say the feelings all came back. well, my feelings for him never went away. i hid them. there wasn't much place for them to come out either. not to mention, it's easy for me to act like everything is fine when my world is crumbling down. before me and jimmy really started talking, i told him that i don't think i could be his friend. i was right. call me selfish, call me egotistical, call me self centered, but i can't stand not being the center of his universe. you know what hurt the most when we had just broken up? thinking about him and thinking that he wasn't thinking about me. well i was right. i couldn't be a good friend to him. every single time we talked, it reminded me of why i feel the way i do for him. every.single.time. we hadn't skipped a beat.

so we're talking one time, and he sighs. i'm all wtf why are you sighing, and being the fag that he is, he says nothing. so i bug him and i bug him and bug him and he says sigh cause i fall for you every time i talk to you. my heart then proceeds to fall into my stomach. i try as quick as possible to stop talking to him. told him i had to go.

then later he pops up with a i'm sorry, can we just act like i didn't say that so we can keep talking. i didn't forget, but we kept talking. jimmy and i can talk for hours about nothing, and i love that so much. i love the sound of his voice. it's just so…comforting.

so after all that, i wasn't sure what to think. we kept talking. i felt the exact same the entire time, which is so unbelievable to me. i love that boy.

i told him i wanted to see him, and he came last thursday. the moment i saw him, i had to give him a hug. no kiss. just a hug. oh wait did i mention, he drove three hours to come see me? yeah, he did. he drove three hours to watch xmen2!!!!!

hah. there was nothing else to do.

one of my friends said she thinks that he uses me. she obviously doesn't know the whole story. i asked her how she thinks that he uses me. she said for SEX. hi. my name is gina. I'M A VIRGIN! nor do i give head. so hmmm...i really don't think that's the case at all. oh and when we do fool around...gina's the one that gets...pleasured?! heh, i'm a greedy bitch.

jimmy's kisses feel so immensely good. perfect even. i've never had a kiss that was so passionate and meaningful. i sounds so stupid, don't i? it's the truth. every bit of it. when i'm around him, i swear to you, we're never close enough. i have to wrap my legs around him and pull him as close to me as he can possibly get. sometimes i feel bad tho. just cause my lack of experience. he called me lil ms innocent. i'm not a prude. ask him, i'm really not. i just don't have as much experience as some. heh.

so any who, we always end up in his car. it's time for him to go on his three hour journey home, and he pulls me close to him and kisses me. Every time i kiss him, i want more. WE ALWAYS END UP DOING THINGS IN HIS CAR. can’t invite him to the house. i'm sure mom and dad would love that. i'm so fucking virginal, it's crazy.

hmmm how do i say this without being...crude or seeming like a slut? oh well here goes. his fingers were in me, and my legs needed something to...squeeze? so i ended up giving him the death grip with my legs. great, no? errr. he couldn't do that much with my legs gripped around his arm, so he got his other hand and spread me legs.

errr. good job gina.

so then i was about to...and he stopped! completely! i just kinna sat there like wtf is going on? we said our goodbyes, and he left.

i asked him later why he stopped, and he said he really doesn't want me thinking that he comes here just to hook up. is that so bad? errr. and then there's this:

i'm nearly 5 years younger than he. we did a lot of fucked up stuff to each other. one thing being that i lied to him about my age. :(

i told him i was 3 years older than i actually am. our entire relationship started up on lies. errrrr. this is a whole other subject as well. how we got over this at all. but yeah.

so he's still kinda weird about that, which i have nothing to do but understand. and i do.

well now, we're just rebuilding. he's not my boyfriend. i'm not his girlfriend. but we are...friends. i feel infinitely for him. there aren't words.

the other day, he tells me that later he knows i'm gonna realize that he's not as great as i make him out to be. i know exactly how he is, and i love him all the more for it. he told me i was the first person to look through everything and appreciate that. and that he loves me. i didn't say it back. he said if i don't stick around he prays that he'll find someone just like me. i didn't say anything back cause...i didn't know what to say.

i might go to see him sometime this week. i can't wait :D

i don't know what's going to happen later. i know i'll never be able to forget him or what we have. i don't know if we're forever, but i know, we're for now.

(no subject)

red red wine
goes to my head
makes me forget that i
still need you so

red red wine
it's up to you
all i can do, i've done
memories won't go

i have sworn everytime
thoughts of you won't leave my head
i was wrong
and i've found
only one things lets me forget

red red wine
it's up to you
all i can do, i've done
memories won't go

(no subject)

i won't say i wasn't mad because i was. but still i've been a while lot angrier before. he always thinks that i'm mor emad than i really am. it takes just a tad (or a whole lot) more to get me red in the face.

i got most pissed when he said crawl into your own little world were mom and dad can protect you. poor little rich girl. that pissed me off. not even the fact that he said it, just the fact that it was said at all about me. that is so ridiculously far away from the truth. my parents hanve't ever ver sheltered me from anything. they like to think they have, but the truth of the matter is, they didn't. oh god it pisses me off so much that he would say that. as if i were the stereotypical rich girl. not to mention that we're not ever rich. i can't believe he siad that.

there were things he didn't want to tell me because he said they would hurt. then i went on to say that i've been thru worse stuff than this. that i was a big girl, and i could handle it. i'm not gonna say it didn't hurt. becuase it has. more thani could say. he said he knows how it feels to want someone and them not want you back. he said it's the single worst feeling in the world. he's wrong. then he even had the audacity to begin to compare it to what has happened to my brother. my brother is a part of me. you don't even know me. don't dare to even begin to compare the two.

then he goes on to say that i don't know shit. you may know more about love and heartache that i, but don't go and tell me that i don't know shit and i don't know hurt. how about seeing your father almost die multiple times? or how about watching your mom struggle to make ends meet while your dad spends months in the hospital? how about seeing your dad finally come home and no being able to understand the words coming of his mouth? or him struggling to find words? how about looking at your dad and thinking of all he used to be and wishing he were that man but knowing that he's not? or having your brother snatched from your grasp? then praying to a God that almost everything that's ever happened to me could lead me to believe that he doesn't even exist, and praying that your dad will still be alive to see your brother given back his freedom? oh then looking at your angel of a mother and seeing the pain in here eyes and knowing that she's going thru as much pain as i am? how about getting damn near raped by a man you've never met? then crying and hiding it for years because of the shame you felt? not being able to look at yourself or your body the same way again? not being comfortable around men, feeling like watching trash. don't tell me i haven't been thru shit. i know shit. i've been thru more shit than i'd like to say i have.

pleaseee don't feel sorry for me. that's the last thing in the world i would want from anyone. and i know there' s a whole lot more shit to go thru. an di'm as ready as i'll ever be. evyerhint that's happened to me has made me who i am. tho i might complain about what i've become, i'm decent. i'm good enough despite my billion and a half shortcomings. i'm ok with the person i've turn out to be thus far. and i know i have a whole lot more growing to go.

jimmy says i keep searching for him to say certain things. well sure, there are things i would love for him to say, but i don't want him to say them if it's not the way he feels. all i've ever wanted from him was to tell me how he feels. that hasn't changed, but me, of all people, knows that's not an easy thing to do. there's still a lot i want to know, and there's still a lot he doesn't want to tell me. i have to learn to live with that. jimmy can go on thinking he's as mature as he thinks he is, and he can go on thinking that i'm going to thank him one day, and he can go on thinking that i'm trying to justify everything when he's doing the exact same thing. go on wearing your collared shirts and "go out shoes."

he once told me that i fell in love with an aspect of him. i told him no, i feel in love with him. all of him. yet again, he was right, and i was wrong. i fell in love with the guy that said he'd never get tired of me, and he'd never give up on me. i fell for the guy that has the potential to do anything he wanted to. the guy that had the dreams up in the air and the guy that was willing to leap to catch them. you know, the guy that wanted to get old and end up teaching a history/government class. that guy. the guy you're not. i kept holding on cause i thought if i held on long enough that, that guy would come out again. i was even willing ot deal with your bullshit. just to get small peeks of you. i wanted so much to understand you. but that guy that i fell for, he does't exist.

my mind didn't even have to make up imaginary characteristics for him. he was all i wanted. 5'11 and all. i wanted someone to experience life with. i wanted it to be him. i wanted it to be him because i fell in love with the way he thinks. i fell in love with the way he found the words to say what he thinks and feels. i thought that he'd be able to find the words i didn't know how to say. he did. and then some. but i realized that i need to put in a little bit more work. better late than never.

i still think he should have told me when he realized he didn't feel the way he thought he felt. the way he told he felt. he should have told me that i wasn the person he thought i was. i was too busy falling anyways. i would have been able to take it better then. i still don't understnad why he invited me to see david copperfield. there's so much i have yet to understand. i just wish he would've told me sooner that i wasn't the person he built his world around. figuring things out myself hurt. i still think he's a pussy for not saying anything, and apparently, we didn't have anything to begin with. when i thought we were together, we weren't. gina we have nothing would have squashed all hope, but i think that's what i need. i've been holding onto hope not knowing that hope was spiing me around in circles. it still that he meant more to me than i meant to him. there's nothing i can do about that.

damn him for knowing the way you do the things you do.

i still thank him for telling me about scarlet begonias. it's become one of my favorites.

well i'm sorry i'm not the kind of person to give up. i should have long time ago. i guess never give up doesn't apply to situations like these. i give up. i'm letting go of something i never had a hold of.

i don't ever want to forget anything tho. i want to remember it all. i want to remember the nights he kept me up. i want to remember the way he made me laugh. the way he knew when to take me seriously and when not to. i want to remember how i always ruined the moment, but he'd never say anything. and the way he told me to call him once just to get his phone back from his friend and then ended up keeping me up on the phone all night. i want to remember wanting to hear his voice at the end of the day. yearning for night to come quicker. i want to remember the way he made me think five times more than i ever wanted to and then being greatful in the end. i want to remember the way he moved hair out of my face. all i have of him is memories. i still wish i had something tangible to remember him by. something to hold on to. i should have stolen a tshirt or something.

(no subject)

one of my favorite songs of all time is otis redding's sittin on the dock of the bay. you can thank my country born dad for that one.

(no subject)

well i finally talked to jimmy. wasn't easy. i thought it would be easier to tell him what i thought if he kinda eased me into it, but ended up, it's so much easier to tell him things when he's not saying anything at all. i finally got him to say something. he acts like he's told me something new. everything he said, i knew. i guess i just didn't want to believe it true. i still don't. i guess that's my immaturity talking. he said i might think that my entire world is coming down right now, and no, i really don't feel that way at all. sorry to break it to you...hehe just kidding. life goes on. this i know. time heals all wounds. i'm just not ready for this one to heal up. i'm not sure if i'll ever be ready.

what cracks me up tho is the way he talked to me. he talked to me like i was 12. like gina this is how things are. let me spell them out for you. i mean sometimes i like it when people spoon feed me. just cause i like it when people elaborate. but all i ever wanted from him was for him to tell me what he thought, and i still don't think he did. he told me the facts. which i guess some might even be opinion. he didn't tell me what's goin thru his noggin. i would've been happier if he told me that he's sorry that i feel the way i do. that the way he once felt wasn't what he thought it was. so now i'm the dumb little drama queen that can't get her ass up and move on. damn that. i can't help but wanting something that i don't have. esp since at one time, i had it. and it was good.

all this still trips me out. i still look at it like wtf did i get myself into. i should've known better. i did know better. but someone convinced me otherwise. guess who? i don't blame him for it tho. not at all. i do blame him for a few things tho. most of which just brings tears to my eyes to think of them. he said i can't have him, and he can't have me. that's what i can't get thru my head. i want him so bad. and it's not just cause i can't have him. it's cause it's him. why'd he have to be so damn different?

different? what am i talking about? i don't know him. cause the person i thought i knew wouldn't have done what he did to me. flat out. i'm naive for thinking i was that special. then again i suppose the person he thought he knew wouldn't have done what i done to him. ah i come to the conclusion again. we don't know each other.

but i could've sworn i did.

jimmy's a weird sort of person. hehe. enough said.

just kidding. he's so extremely intelligent. he acts modest, likes to act like he doesn't know how smart he is, but he does. he knows more than anyone else just how smart he is. but he would never admitt it. even tho he knows he's as smart as he is, and he's been thru as much as he has, he still knows there's just a world more of knowledge to obtain. he knows this more than anyone i know. i think that's why i admire him so much.

he's pessimistic. very much like my brother in this way. hope for the best, expect the worst type attitude. bugs the crap out of me. he goes into things expecting nothing that way he won't be disappointed if he were to come out with nothing. doesn't seem to work tho. he still manages to be disappointed whether he wants to show it or not. lately, i feel like he's put himself in a box. i think he likes to isolate himself when things aren't the way he wants them to be thinking that'll make things better. he doesn't settle things. kinda like he doesn't wanna touch an open wound. or maybe there's not a wound at all?

we're the same in the way that we both don't want to get hurt. i guess we're just like any other person in that way. he'll go opposite of all signs that point toward hurt, but he finds himself in the middle of sorrow and pain. of course tho, we all put ourselves there unknowningly by taking a path that is seemingly safe but risky at the same time. i tried so hard to keep myself off that path. i guess your heart starts to pave out new paths for you.

adorable would be the perfect word to descrive jimmy. tho he thinks the opposite. he doesn't think as highly of himself as he should. he's been told he's special. he's been told he's different. he's been told he's everything. but i guess no one was convincing enough cause he still thinks the opposite. well, he knows he special. he knows he's different. yet he still has a low opinion of himself on some levels. argh. i'm contradicting myself. i don't understand. i guess we're kind of in the same boat about that one.

regardless of how i may have felt that was the clincher. minute i read that i knew i was wrong in thinking all that i thought. it was infatuation after all. on his part at least. apparently i was the only one to fall. i'm ok with that. just cause for once, i'm sure of how i feel. it didn't take someone to convince me that i feel this way. didn't take me convincing myself that i feel that way. didn't take someone telling me they feel this way and me simply saying i feel the same. it's me saying i feel this way just because i do. and this my friend, feels good no matter how he truly feels. i guess cause i've never been more sure of anything. too bad this assurance doesn't do anything for anything else.

didn't take too long for the infatuation to fizzle away. i told someone my story, and he said love doesn't unravel that quickly but infatuation does. how right he was.

k well i kind of don't wanna say this, but i'm gonna anyways. jimmy's probably gonna wanna knock me upside the head for saying this, but his feelings are always dependent on someone elses. he just reacts to other people's reaction. his feelings depend on how you feel. kind of like he doesn't own his feelings. it's kind of weird me saying that cause in the begining he was the one that was so sure of how he felt, and now i am. funny how things work out. i used to say things to get a reaction out of him. i didn't have to then, but i still did. he used to tell me his opinions on everything. i loved that. well now i'd do just about anything to get his feelings on something. anything. i can't get anything out of him anymore. he doesn't dig for things anymore either. so i guess i should stop digging?

don't forget these are just my theories of jimmy. they could be proven wrong at any time.

i guess i never realized there was such risk involved. i did to some degree. i suppose i only thought of the risk i was taking in getting hurt. i'm selfish. but i guess i had reason to worry. look what happened. i got hurt. oh well. i'm over that. kind of. i can't get over him. i can't get over us. i'm naive and smug for thinking that maybe i was worth it.

he said that he's one guy in the series of many more. what makes him think i'm gonna meet more guys? i can't handle this. i'm gonna be a nun mofo!! you think i can handle this again? you are clearly mistaken.

he might be older than me, but i still think i'm a hell of a lot more mature than he is. hehehe. just kidding. maybe.

(no subject)

well. hmmph. how's everyone been? i act as if i have an audience. everyone turn to to your side and shake the hand of your neighbor :) any who, things have been...humdrum, boring, desolate, completely and totally miserable. there's been some ups, they're just so short lived to even be considered in the big scale of things. my last few months have been a slump. i hate being the girl to bitch and complain, but i'm just so damn good at it. so why the fuck not? i figure if i'm gonna bitch, i might as well in here. so here goes...

i miss jimmy terribly. i can't even begin to explain. my life before him was adequate i guess. nothing too exciting. normal i suppose would be a good way to say it. i had, and still have, my many problems. my brother, my best friend in the whole world, the one that pushed me to achieve everything i wanted, the one that told me i could do anything i put my mind to, my everything, is in prison. he's been in prison for 2 years and 5 months. i can't even talk about him without crying. my family means the world to me. they're my everything, and to just have him taken away was, is, just so unbearable. i mean i live, i have no other choice, it's just so hard to keep a smile when my world is completely fallen. so along with my brother has gone my motivation, my drive, my want to achieve anything at all. in other words, i'm a vegetable. i don't even know if you can call me that. i'm more like a basketball. this hard exterior that can bounce around, but in the inside, i'm all empty.

well, you learn to live with what you've been given. my grades dropped. i received straight As all thru grade school and high school, and then all of a sudden, i'm not even trying to keep up in my classes. i don't go to my classes. so ms. full of potential turned in to a....vegetable. this whole being a doctor thing has almost turned into a joke in my eyes. and only my eyes. everyone around me still thinks i can achieve everything even tho my world has just completely gone to wrack and ruin. i could go off onto so many tangents right now, but i'll try not to. my mother, my father, my entire family, my friends, people i don't even know have these HUGE expectations of me, and i'm so scared to fall short of them. it's not that i'm afraid to let them down, it's the fact that those huge expectations don't even compare to the aspirations i once had. i've let myself down in more ways than i even realize right now. that's what hurts the most. letting myself down.

so among other things, my father is not at all in good health. he's diabetic. he's had a stroke. his blood pressure is up and down. he has dizzy spells. he can't do much. ever since his stroke, he hasn't been much himself. he's even more stubborn than he was before, he's easily annoyed, his attention span is about as long as the radius of a piece of your hair, and he doesn't speak his mind the way he used to. one of the memories i have as a child is sitting with my dad and him telling me stories of when he was a kid. he's such a smart man. he's got a world of knowledge up his sleeve, but he can't get it out. it breaks my heart to see him struggle to find the words. still, i love him more than life itself.

lastly, there's my mother. the absolute most beautiful woman alive. i complain about my world tumbling down, and i look at her. everything that i've had to deal with, she has too. it's just that she can't handle it all just as i can't. so when she cries, i can't. when she needs someone to lean on, i have to be there. i have to be the strong one. i don't know how i, of all people, end up being the strong one. i guess it's cause i have to cry when no one's there.

so where does jimmy come in? the last two and a half years i've been walking around with the weight of the world on my shoulders. i didn't have time to do things for myself. didn't have time to look around i guess. oh Lord knows, i wanted someone to sweep me off my feet, but the Lord also knows that i pushed away anyone that tried. then jimmy came. and he didn't let me push. he took down my great wall brick by brick. this, i assure you, was not easy at all. i threw every obstacle in his way. but he never gave up. and i opened my eyes and saw him. he was so much like me. he made me laugh like only my brother could. he made my smiles genuine. he made my happiness real. then i realized i loved him. i didn't love him for what he did. or how he made me smile. or how he made me laughed. i loved him for him. the rest was just extra. i found my match. he had something smart to say to everything i said. he had an opinion even when i didn't want one. he made me realize what i wanted all along, wasn't what i wanted at all. he was all i wanted. he could make the stress of the day go away. he was my antidepressant. he made me want to get back on my feet again. he was the first guy that i could ever believe when he told me he loved me. and i could say i love you too.

oh and when we kiss, the world could've ended, and i wouldn't have gave a shit. when i was with him, there was nothing more in the world i wanted or needed.

so, in a nutshell, it all ended. my world that seemed to be rebuilding, fell to the ground all over again.

i would take back ever meeting him.

i would take back ever calling him because now i long to hear his voice. i get phone calls in the middle of the night and hope it's him.

i would take back our first date because now i can't think of him any other way. i wanna look into his eyes. i want him to look into my eyes the way he did. i want him to say what he said. i want him to hold my hand the way he did.

i would take back pulling him close because now i want him closer. now i know how it feels to be close to him, and i'm scared that i'll never find anyone that i want to pull closer.

i would take back every kiss cause now i'm afraid i'll never kiss someone like that again. that i'll never feel the way i felt when he kissed me.

still don't understand how something that felt so truly absolutely perfect could be wrong. guess it's not meant to be figured out cause Lord knows i've tried.

i got his hand and he got the door. i pulled him close and he pulled me closer. i gave him my heart and he gave me a sweet taste of what i couldn't have. i search myself for reason. reason why i can't move on. he's my reason.

i just can't let all that we had go. i'm the dumb bitch that doesn't know how to let go. i'm the girl that cries over what she wishes she still had. i seem so completely weak, but i promise you if you really knew me, you wouldn't know half of this.

just to tell you how things are between me and him, we talk almost everyday. we'll talk, he'll send me a message on the internet, i'll talk to him on the internet once in a while, but there's still so much i want to tell him. nothing ever gets accomplished tho in the midst of our arguing. still, i can hear it, i can feel it, and i know he misses me just as much as i miss him. it's so obvious that there's something we want to tell each other, something that we both want to hear, but we don't ever say it.

(no subject)

so yeah, ummm, i don't think my actions and feelings really reflect my intelligence. honestly, i'm the smartest person i know. BUHAHAHA. just kidding. i'm not all that intelilgent, but i'm smarter than the average bear, you might say. well, why do i say that you ask? why isn't your intelligence seen in your actions and feelings? well because, they don't. i make dumb decisions. i do dumb things. i say things that make absolutely no sense. but i'm fine with that. what i'm not fine with is the way i feel. which, of course, is the one thing i can't help or change. so somehow in all this jumble called my life i end up being the pitiful girl that can't stop feeling for a guy. a guy. grrr. mom was right when she said stay away.

so yeah. after it all, i still want jimmy with every single drop of my body. thinking of him still makes my body tingle. thinking of him has become second nature. so i told him i wanted to be friends with him. i do. i want him around one way or another. just because i think he's that great of a person. i'm in love with the way he think. so we start talking, and i spill. i crack. i tell him how i still feel. i tell him about a lot. yet there's still so much to say. he spills a tablespoon compared to my gallon. nothing happens.

it's so weird. seems like yesterday he was the one that had to pick away at me and spend hours just to get me to say a word. that's what he wanted from me all along. he's read things that i've written, and he knows how i think. but still, he never really got a taste of it. never got to see it first hand i suppose. i guess you can only give so much without getting anything back. now that i want to give back, he's gone. too little too late maybe?

i felt like i gave him everything, but i guess it was more what i wanted to give him instead of what i actually did.

i want to see him. i know if i saw him, i could sway him in my direction. simply because, i'm good like that! ;D the other day he said i made him horny. that's a great thing, no? well, didn't make me feel that great hearing it.

so here i am. stuck. what's there to do now? what can i do? i can't help the way i feel, can i? it's ridiculous. i can have a line of guys waiting outside my door, and all i can think about is how much i want jimmy between my legs. i loved wrapping my legs around him. ugh.
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