_mycroft_holmes (_mycroft_holmes) wrote,

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Dude... Eddie Izzard.  I'll see what I can remember.

"Torches always appear when people are looking for treasure.  They never appear when they're looking for... squirrels.  And they last the length of a scene, except when bad things suddenly appear."

"The [Ancient Egyptian] newspaper must have been very interesting.  The headlines today: man with a hat, big eye, big eye, two squiggly lines..."

"Badgers can't be choosers.  [audience groans]  Shut the fuck up.  'Oh, yes, we've just heard so many creationist badger jokes.'"

"And just before you press the button that says 'I have read the agreement', something in your subconscious says, 'I am a liar.'"

"I told the Europeans that you had a sense of irony.  Don't prove me wrong."

"The giraffes are all taller than the trees on the savanna, so the only place for a giraffe to hide is behind another giraffe.  They all just stand in one long line, and the front giraffe puts on a beret and pretends to be the Eiffel Tower."

"And Charles Darwin, of course, created the theory of evolution,in his book, Monkey, Monkey, Monkey, Monkey, Monkey, Monkey, YOU."

"So Moses went up the mountain, and while he was up there his followers smelted metal.  He must have been up there a long time.  They were saying, 'Quick, give me all your utensils, we have to worship SOMETHING.  Oh, holy fried-egg-looking thing.'  And meanwhile Moses was going around lighting bushes on fire.  'You in there?  You in there?'"

"There's no part of the bible where it says, 'Then Jesus came into Bethlehem with an umbrella.  And lo, he did cover the small children with his umbrella.'"

"And the giant squid was in a closet.  'Excuse me?  There are no towels!  And I can't get the TV to work.  Can't get FX.'"

"'I just hit [the bison] with a stone and it went down!  Jeff, this could be the beginning of an Age.'"

"So basically, it's the drug-rolling version of Dune."

"It shouldn't say 'Do not covet thy neighbor's ox', it should say, 'Do not cover thy neighbor's ox'.  'Hey, where's my ox?  Have you seen my ox?  Is that your blanket?  Hey... that's my ox under your blanket!  And you're my neighbor!  You're going straight to hell.'  And then, down in hell, 'What're you in for?'  'Oh, I covered an ox with a blanket.'  'Well, that's a weird fucking religion that you're part of.'"

"So basically, he spent hundreds of millions of years going volcano, volcano, volcano, volcano, rain, volcano, volcano, MONSTERS."

"In those days, everyone won at Scrabble.  'Pthxhgscokqwxhb'.  'Ahhh.'"

And, speaking of Scrabble, one that's only cool to me...
"'Xerxes, we can't catch the Spartans.'  'I don't care, I've just won at Scrabble with my name.  Two x's."

Plus, a bonus Conan joke:

"Roger Clemens was apparently having an affair with a woman for ten years.  What I've heard is that he would start having sex with the woman and then Mariano Rivera would come in and finish."
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