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05 January 2010 @ 08:56 pm
fic: to be or not to be [love 'verse] (misha/james & j2, R)  
HAI GUISE! It's been awhile! Mainly because I was on entry 999 and I wanted something cool to be my 1,000th entry. AND THIS IS IT! Have some fic of the love 'verse kind. :)

Title: to be or not to be
Author: _mournthewicked
Pairing: Misha/James & Jared/Jensen
Rating: R
Word Count: ~ 4,400
Disclaimer: Fiction. As in not real. As in FAKE.
Summary: James and Misha don’t really know how they feel about each other, but when they end up being alone in the dorms over break they know it’s time to figure it out.
Notes: This is a timestamp in the reinventing love 'verse. It takes place during parts seven and eight of magnets. This is the story many people have said they would like to know – the story of Misha and James.

So… this is awkward.

Misha watches Jared and Jensen’s uneasy back and forth about travel arrangements and rocks on his heels once. He used to roll his eyes and scoff at the way these two never stopped being so annoyingly adorable, but now he’d do just about anything to have sickeningly sweet Jared and Jensen back.

They almost had him believing in love again.

“Hate to break up the lovefest, but I’ve got a whole fucking floor of kids to check out,” Misha says. He quirks an eyebrow sardonically to disguise his worry. Jared and Jensen look over at him, far too blasé. They both just look so tired. Misha wishes there was something he could do.

What is it about these two that makes him give a flying fuck?

Jared and Jensen nod in unison, another one of those things they always do at the same goddamn time that Misha doesn’t even think they know about, and he gestures towards their bags.

“Vamoose,” Misha says, snapping his fingers. “Leave this horrid place.”

“We’re going, Christ!” Jared spits. So yeah, he’s in a bit of hot water with the tall one for helping his boyfriend out with a little stretching. He considered jumping back from Jensen the moment Jared stepped in the door, but he figured that would have looked even worse. Whatever, it’s not like Jared can’t trust him. He’ll get over it.

“It’s Misha, actually,” he retorts. Jared rolls his eyes and grabs his bag while Jensen does the same. Holy shit. They even sigh exasperatedly in unison. It’s un-fucking-canny is what it is.

They step out into the hall and Misha bites his lip.

“Hey, wait.” Misha steps in front of them and puts a hand on each of their shoulders. He looks at them sternly and they take notice. He’s really good at looking at people sternly. “Be good,” he tells them. His eyes drift over to Jensen. “Be happy.” He pulls them into a quick hug and then steps back and reaches up to scratch the back of his head. “Now scram.”

Jared and Jensen blink owlishly at the physical contact and then wave (in unison, the creepy assholes) before turning to leave. Jensen tucks his fingers in the right pocket of Jared’s jeans as they walk down the hallway, and that’s good enough for now.

“Did you actually just willingly engage in physical contact with another person?” Misha’s fingers skitter across his scalp and he freezes. He flushes hot and then cold with a feeling he hasn’t really tried to put a name to, and then turns to face James. “Is this the end of days?”

“It’s the end of your face,” Misha mumbles without really meeting James’s eyes. He’s standing in the doorway of his room, leaning against the frame with his arms crossed over his chest. He looks all ruffled and sleep-warm and Misha’s belly jumps. He scowls.

“Clever.” James stretches his arms over his head and Misha absolutely does not look at the tan skin stretched over his hipbones. He doesn’t. At all. James peeks his head out and looks down the hallway while Misha just continues to scowl. He’s also very good at scowling. “So uh, how’re they doing?”

“Well,” Misha begins. He wonders if Jared and Jensen know how much everyone talks about them. “Awkward isn’t the right word, but it’s the first word that comes to mind.”

Choke reference?” James retorts. Misha is stunned he picked up on that. “How very indie of you.”

“You know Palahniuk?” Misha asks in a small voice. Why does James have to pick up on tiny references to Misha’s favorite author? That’s fighting dirty. James smirks; not his usual manic smirk, but something softer.

What I want is to be needed,” James quotes, taking a step forward. He’s in Misha’s space now, looking right at him. Misha swallows hard. “What I want is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention.”

Somebody addicted to me,” Misha mumbles. James looms closer and Misha’s heartbeat stutters a little. Chuck Palahniuk quotes just fucking roll off of James’s tongue. That hits a kink Misha didn’t even know he had.

A mutual addiction,” James finishes. His eyes are dark and his lips are pink and wow, they’re standing really close together. Misha swallows and it seems somehow loud in the silence.

“Uh, Misha?” He blinks rapidly and shakes his head a little before looking over. It’s, um, whatever her name is. 223. He should probably get a little better at that. “Can you sign me out?”

“Be right there,” Misha says gruffly. When he looks back over James is leaning against the doorframe like nothing ever happened. Misha clears his throat. “You’re staying here over break, right?”

“Yep,” James replies. “Looks like it’s just me and you, kid.”

“Right,” Misha says slowly. He’s feeling more like himself now, not all… dizzy. “Whatever, less work for me. Let’s have you not set fire to your room again, hm?”

“Lesson learned,” James says, crossing his heart. “S’mores are an outdoor activity.”

“Good boy,” Misha replies. James’s eyes flash and Misha clears his throat. “Well, uh, I have shit to do, so.”

“Be on your way.” James puts his hands in a prayer position and bows. “Namaste.”

“Fuck you,” Misha replies automatically, and James winks at him. Misha blinks as James goes back into his room.

“Uh,” 223 says. Misha looks over at her. He’d pretty much forgotten she was standing there. “My parents are waiting downstairs.”

“How quaint,” Misha snaps. He looks at James’s closed door one last time and follows the girl down the hall.

He feels slightly off kilter for the rest of the day.


Being an only child sucks.

It sucks even more when your own parents don’t even like to be in the same room with you. James is sort of on his own, family-wise. He practically lived with his uncle all his life and his parents didn’t take too kindly to James inheriting his small fortune when he died.

But whatever. He’s vaguely rich and they can suck it.

He’s in the middle of a rousing That 70’s Show marathon when his cell phone rings in his pocket. He rolls his eyes at the display. Time for the annual guilt trip.

“Yo, Dulé!“ He answers cheerily. “What’s up, man?”

You’re really not coming home?” No time for pleasantries then.

“Must we have this conversation every single Thanksgiving?” James replies, pausing the television and cracking his toes. “I never come home.”

It’s just, well.” Dulé is quiet for a moment. “I just miss having you around, you know?

James sighs. He and Dulé have been best friends since middle school. They’re closer than brothers. After he had the falling out with his parents, leaving Dulé was the only hard thing about packing it up and moving to California.

He misses him like crazy all the time.

“I know, man,” James says. “Tell you what. I’ll come out there for a few days around Christmas if you come out here during the summer.”

You know I graduated college two years ago after the appropriate four years and now have a real job, right?” Dulé replies. ”Not all of us can be young forever.

“Even grown-ups get vacation time, dude,” James chuckles. “Deal or no deal?”

Deal,” Dulé tells him. “I get you for one week at Christmas, and you get me for two in the summer.

“We sound really gay right now.“

Well you are really gay,” he replies automatically. James rolls his eyes and gets up. He’s thirsty and his mini-fridge is devastatingly empty.

“Uh, the girl I brought over last night would claim otherwise,” James tells him. He doesn’t usually like to talk about his conquests, but a jab like that can’t go ignored.

Fine, replace ‘really gay’ with ‘will fuck anything that moves’.

“And even some things that don’t,” James quips as he leaves his room and walks up the hall towards the lounge.

Just tell me something,” Dulé says, suddenly sounding serious. “Tell me you aren’t spending the holiday alone.”

“I’m not spending the holiday alone,” he parrots back. It’s a lie, but Dulé doesn’t have to know that. He’s a worrier. James gets by just fine on his own. Mostly. He looks up and spots a familiar mop of brown hair poking up above the back of a sofa. He quirks a brow and slows to a halt. “Uh, hey, can I call you back?”

He mumbles a quick goodbye to Dulé and slips his phone in his pocket before tiptoeing up to the back of the sofa and leaning in. Misha is heavily engrossed in his book and doesn’t even notice.

Your heart is my piñata,” James whispers. He has quite a few Palahniuk quotes rattling around in his brain. Still didn’t stop him from googling for new ones to add to his repartee after he saw how it affected Misha. He just went all… liquid, and James wants nothing more than to put that look on his face again.

But maybe the sneaking up thing wasn’t such a good idea. Misha jumps and swings his book back to crack James right in the face.

“I deserved that,” James says as he rubs his nose. Misha cranes his head back to look at him. He has a blanket pooled in his lap and his finger marks his place in his book.

“You did,” Misha replies, suddenly calm. “What is it with you and sneaking up on people?”

“I enjoy the element of surprise,” James tells him. He wrinkles his nose once more and blinks as the pain fades. “What are you doing out here?”

“It’s called a lounge,” Misha says without looking at him. James watches as he struggles to cover up with his blanket and open his book at the same time. “I’m lounging.”

“Oh, thanks for clearing that up. I always wondered,” James retorts. He walks over to the soda machine and fumbles some change out of his pocket. “Want a soda?”

“No, I’m good,” Misha mumbles. He closes his book with a sigh and tosses it on the table before pulling his blanket up over his shoulders. “They turned the heat way down and it’s marginally warmer out here than it is in my room.”

James bites his lip as he bends down to retrieve his soda, fingertips tap-tapping on the top of the can as he turns around.

“I have a space heater in my room,” James says casually. Misha looks up at him. “You’re welcome to use my couch to read your book.”

Misha stares at him with those intense, devastatingly gorgeous blue eyes for so long that James starts to squirm a little. Misha’s mouth opens and closes, brows furrowing as he tilts his head to the side slightly. “Oh, um. No thanks. I think I’m just going to catch up on some sleep.”

“Alright.” He tries to stamp down on the tiny flare of pain the rejection causes. “Hey, don’t you live in Los Feliz? Why didn’t you just go home?”

“My mom is off on some cruise,” Misha replies. “The house is empty. I’d rather be alone here than there.”

“But you’re not alone,” James says quietly. He meets Misha’s eyes and swallows. “I’m here.”

Misha’s eyes go soft when normally they’re like ice, and James melts a little. He wants so badly to close the distance between them, to take Misha’s cheeks in his hands and make him so warm, but he doesn’t.

“Yeah,” Misha says softly as he gets up and grabs his book. He drapes the blanket over his shoulders. “You are.”

Their shoulders brush as he walks by and James closes his eyes.


Misha gasps as he rolls out of bed the next morning and his feet hit the cold floor. Sometimes he wishes that southern California actually was the perfect, tropical oasis that everyone else seems to think it is.

Maybe it’s not actually that cold. Maybe he’s just used to the warmth. It could be worse. He could live in Minnesota.

The thought alone makes him shiver.

He slips into his shoes and pulls on a sweatshirt. He normally tries to avoid fast food but he needs some McDonald’s like, right now. When he goes to leave his room he nearly trips over something and he lets out a muffled curse as he looks down at the object.

It’s a blue box and Misha raises an eyebrow as he leans down to pick it up. Once he sees what it is, he isn’t entirely sure how to react.

“He got me a Snuggie?” He wonders aloud in sort of an awed whisper. He looks down the hallway in the general direction of James’s room and then down at the blanket again. He hasn’t even taken it out of the box yet, but he already feels a little warmer.

He feels cared for.


James is tired and sort of listless. It’s late but it isn’t late. He’s contemplating just going to bed when there’s a knock on his door. He knits his brow and gets up to answer it.

What he finds on the other side makes him grin. It’s Misha in his Snuggie. The soft-looking blue fleece drags along the floor and trails down past his hands. The color brings out his eyes.

“I’m never taking this off, by the way,” Misha says in lieu of a greeting and a thank you. He pushes his way past James and into his room. “Wanna hang out?”

“Uh, yeah,” James replies. He’s a little startled but pleased as Misha traipses into his room, stepping high to avoid tripping over the Snuggie, and then plops down on the couch. “Movie?”

Misha nods and then settles into the corner of the sofa, all wrapped up in his blanket with sleeves. James smiles fondly for a moment and then goes over to the television. He puts in a DVD, some mindless comedy he knows they’ve both seen, and then sits down on the other end of the couch.

They watch in relative silence and James pulls his feet up onto the sofa when he starts to get chilly. Misha glances over and then drapes his Snuggie over them. James smirks and slides his cold toes under Misha’s thigh.

After about an hour of comfortable silence both of their phones chirp at the same time, startling them. They both dig around in their pockets and James looks down at the screen to see that he has a new text from Josh.

“Josh?” Misha asks. James nods and Misha drops his phone to lean over and crowd into James’s space to see the tiny screen. His breath is warm and damp against the side of his neck and James swallows hard. “What is it?”

“Everyone breathe a collective sigh of relief and then groan in disgust,” James reads in a shaky voice. Misha is leaning against him, all long and lean against his side, and James swallows hard. “Everything is as it should be.”

James and Misha share a look and that’s when he realizes there is a video attached to the message. He presses play and Misha moves even closer to see it. The barely there stubble on his jaw brushes James’s cheek and he shivers. The video shows Jeff shaking his head before turning on Jared and Jensen, who are curled up together in a recliner and kissing enthusiastically. Someone shouts get a room! and Jensen tips his head back with a wild laugh. Jared and Jensen’s foreheads press together and they’re grinning like mad when the video clicks off.

“Wow,” Misha breathes, still plastered up against James. “It’s pathetic how happy that made me.”

“Not pathetic,” James replies. He turns his head and his lips nearly skim Misha’s cheek. “The golden couple making it work gives the rest of us poor assholes a fighting chance. A little hope.”

“Do you think we’ll ever find something like that?” Misha asks tentatively. James turns slightly towards Misha.

“I hope so,” James whispers. They’re lips are nearly touching. James can feel when Misha’s breath starts to quicken, and he leans in just as Misha pulls back.

“I – I have to go,” Misha gets out. He’s tripping over his blanket on the way and he slams the door as soon as he’s through it. James lets out a harsh sigh and slumps forward to land face first onto the couch cushions.

So close.


Misha trips over his Snuggie as he runs past the lounge and barely manages to right himself. He pulls off the offending garment and throws it onto the sofa before dropping onto it and burying his face in his hands.

He’s such a fucking idiot. James was right there – he was leaning in – and Misha isn’t even sure why he ran away. Sure, James is annoying and infuriating and teases Misha endlessly, but that little flutter Misha gets in his belly when James looks right at him outweighs that.

But still, he ran.

His mother would say it’s because of his abandonment issues. He doesn’t want to get hurt again, doesn’t want to let anybody close to his heart, and a bunch of other psychobabble bullshit.

Misha panics for only a moment. He thinks of what Jared and Jensen would say, about how they’ve been not so subtly trying to push them together all year. They would tell him to go for it.

He’s known James since his first day of freshman year. James had made him laugh, even back on that terrifying, stressful first day. James has made him laugh ever since, even though half the time he sort of wants to kill him.

The good outweighs the bad. The reward is worth the risk.

Misha waits for his heart to slow down but it doesn’t, not really. He does feel more sure of himself. He hops up and jogs back down the hallway, skidding to a halt in front of James’s door and knocking eagerly. James opens the door a few moments later looking apprehensive and a little hopeful, and Misha swallows hard.

You have a choice. Live or die. Every breath is a choice,” Misha quotes breathlessly. James smiles softly, eyes bright and happy. “Every minute is a choice.”

To be or not to be,” James finishes, and then grabs Misha by the front of the shirt and pulls him in for a kiss.

Misha lets out a soft whimper against James’s mouth and slumps against him. They kiss desperately, pouring years worth of sexual tension into one single moment. James grabs him by the hips, fingers burning like brands where they brush bare skin, and then drags him into the room. Misha kicks the door shut with his foot and then lets out a tiny yelp as James scoops him up and carries him over to the bed.

“This is completely unnecessary,” Misha mumbles darkly. His mood drastically improves when James tosses him onto the bed and climbs on top of him, pressing their mouths together again. Misha is hungry for it. He slips his tongue into James’s mouth and wraps one leg around James’s waist.

“Oh god,” James moans as he mouths along Misha’s raspy jaw. “Wanted you since I first saw you.”

Misha squeezes his eyes shut and arches his back as James slides his hands under his tee shirt. He allows him to pull it off and then puts his hand over James’s mouth as he leans in for another kiss. James just pauses, holding still and searching Misha’s eyes.

“I’m not – I mean, I know how you are,” Misha gets out. He scoffs and then digs his fingertips into James’s cheek. This is exactly the sort of thing he’s horrible at. He can bitch and snark and snap at people all day long, but he can never tell them how he really feels. “It’s been so long since I’ve done this and I’m not – I don’t want to be like everybody else when it comes to you.”

“Misha,” James replies, but the sound is muffled by his hand. He pulls it away and puts it on the side of James’s head instead. James smiles indulgently down at him. “You’ve never been like everybody else to me. This is different. It’s, well, real.”

Misha grins and pulls him down for another kiss.


They spend the rest of break taking advantage of the empty floor. They fuck in James’s room, in Misha’s room, in the lounge, in the showers, and on a particularly chilly evening – in the Snuggie.

They cuddle on the sofa and make out through movies. They talk until dawn and sleep until dusk. It’s sort of irritating how easy they slip into this – into a relationship – like they could have been doing it all along.

They still bicker back and forth because some things never change, but this time one of them can end it by pushing the other against the wall and dropping to his knees. There’s no more efficient way to end an argument.

They have fried chicken in James’s room on Thanksgiving night. They eat messily with their fingers and plastic sporks, getting all shiny with grease. When the food is all gone they ignore their full bellies as James pushes him down onto the bed and shows him what he’s thankful for.

Misha is a bit sad when everyone starts showing back up. He doesn’t want the week to end.


On Tuesday morning after break ends, Misha wakes up in James’s arms and scowls. He has class today. Back to the grind.

He slips out of bed silently and pulls on his clothes, hopping on one foot as he tries to pull on his shoe. He falls over and lands on the sofa. Over the last week his yoga routine had been sorely neglected in favor of other activities that required flexibility and deep breathing.

“Sneakiness,” James mumbles from the bed. “You’re doing it wrong.”

“Being a responsible adult,” Misha retorts as he finally pulls on his other shoe. “You’re doing it wrong.”

James just holds out his middle finger. Misha snorts and stretches as he stands. James looks so warm and comfy and Misha wants nothing more than to crawl back into that bed.

“Hey, I’m going to class,” Misha tells him. He grabs his bag and is vaguely surprised to see James haul his ass out of bed just as he opens the door. He turns and leans against the doorjamb as he looks at James. His sleep pants are slung low on his hips and Misha reminds himself that class is very important. He can’t miss it.

“Mm, you gonna come over after?” James asks sleepily. “Gonna bring me some food?”

“Yeah, I totally see that happening,” Misha replies. “Get your own fucking food.”

James reaches out to grab Misha by the back of the neck. The look in his eyes is suddenly intense and Misha stares back intently.

“Let’s get dinner tonight,” James says. His fingers tangle in the hair at the back of Misha’s neck. “You know, someplace nice.”

“Like a date?” Misha replies with a raised eyebrow. “You gonna court me?”

“I’m serious!” James says. He steps out into the hall and pulls Misha into his arms, faces inches apart. “Let’s be adorable. Let’s give those two homos up the hall a run for their money.”

Misha tosses his head back with a laugh at that. “Yeah,” he replies. “I’m pretty sure they have that title locked down.”

“Maybe,” James relents. “I’ll see you tonight?” Misha nods and James kisses his forehead before retreating back into his room. Misha stares at the closed door for a moment and then turns, starting when he sees Jared and Jensen leaning conspicuously into the hall.

“If it isn’t the fucking Bobbsey twins,” Misha says, wearing his trademark scowl. Jared and Jensen look as pleased as pigs in shit. “Oh, shut the fuck up.”

Jared grabs him around the waist and spins him around when he tries to storm off. “Details, Mish-Mash,” he chirps, and Misha rolls his eyes as he extricates himself from Jared’s grip.

“We fucked,” Misha says bluntly. But it’s so much more than that. He feels his cheeks heat up and when Jensen raises an eyebrow he knows he’s been caught.

“That didn’t look like the morning after of two people who just fucked for the hell of it,” Jensen replies. Misha looks at him stormily. “That looked like two people who loooove each other.”

"Who want to kiiiiiss each other and hooold each other,” Jared sings. Jared kisses Misha’s cheek and he pushes him back over to his boyfriend as he tries and fails to keep from smiling.

“I see that!” Jensen cries as he reaches out to poke Misha’s cheek. His expression goes a little serious and Misha looks at him. “You guys are good together.”

“Whatever,” Misha replies, but he’s smiling. Knowing Jensen and Jared have faith in them makes him feel validated somehow. He wonders when these kids became the end all be all of relationships. “Don’t you two lovey-dovey assholes have a class to skip off to together?”

He turns around to head down the hall, biting his lip and ducking his head. He can feel Jared and Jensen’s eyes on him.

“We should totally double,” he hears Jared call out, and he raises his middle finger in an automatic response.

“Go learn something for once, assholes!” Misha calls out. The instead of teaching everybody else, however, goes unsaid.

Their heads are big enough already.


It's code for nerd disguised as a geek: [spn] castiel wingsmatalinolukaret on January 6th, 2010 05:16 am (UTC)
Eeeeee James and Misha! ♥ They're seriously trying to usurp Jared and Jensen's epic MFEOness, but so much awww.

Wooing over Chuck Palahniuk? Adorable.

And surprise Dule FTW! ♥
[meg]: actors: misha legs crossedearthquakedream on January 6th, 2010 05:29 am (UTC)
z3s_keep_going: psych :: gus and shawnz3s_keep_going on January 6th, 2010 05:33 am (UTC)
oooh that made me ridiculously happy! especially with Dule in there!!
woodstarling on January 6th, 2010 05:35 am (UTC)
:DDDDDDDDD I love their faces
dragonmage86: dramatic jensendragonmage86 on January 6th, 2010 05:35 am (UTC)
Hooray!!! :)

These two are my second favourite characters you write, and its nice to see them in the spotlight, if only a little while.

I bet Misha looks adorable in his snuggie ;)
you only live forever in the lights you makealasse on January 6th, 2010 06:11 am (UTC)
Man, that was LOVELY. I always wanted to know how they got together, and this was just peeeeerfect.
MJ: Joan of Arcadia: Adam/Joankiwiana on January 6th, 2010 06:25 am (UTC)
If you'll excuse me, I'll be squeeing incessantly in the corner.

This was adorable! ♥
b r i t t a n y: [J²] your heart in the palm of my handbrittwinchester on January 6th, 2010 06:32 am (UTC)

I am bouncing from joy and oh my god THEY ARE SO AWESOME ♥♥♥
dreythdreyth on January 6th, 2010 06:40 am (UTC)
Carly, I love you.

Like, really, I do.
Ochie: peaceimprinted_soul on January 6th, 2010 08:03 am (UTC)
so adorable:D <3<3<3
evil cliffhanger girlalienat on January 6th, 2010 08:35 am (UTC)
These two are awesome. I totally loved it.
bitterbird on January 6th, 2010 08:52 am (UTC)
ahhh this is sooo amazingly perfect! Misha/James and bonus Dule are so wonderful!
Vickitoxica939 on January 6th, 2010 10:58 am (UTC)
This is the story i didn't know I wanted to read. Now that i have, I'm not sure how I went so long without knowing all of this.
It makes Magnets all the more perfect, having this extra bit of background. And of course, i love how the Js are still there, making everyone so fucking jealous. SO GOOD.

I figure now would be a decent time to stop creepy stalking your journal too, so I'm going to friend you. And possibly creepy stalk you to your face from now on. Or something.
Buttermilk Cavalry: mishafacehyperactivelolz on January 6th, 2010 12:17 pm (UTC)
fejkljdfdjldj love. MISHA AND JAMES AND DULÉ AND CHUCK PALAHNIUK ♥ aww i was hoping for this timestamp.
dolimir_k on January 6th, 2010 02:59 pm (UTC)

I'm normally a lurker, but I had to write and say I love the shout out for Los Feliz. Heh. That's where I live in LA and I'm always amazed when anyone knows where it is.