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20 October 2009 @ 09:31 pm
fic: professional zombie boyfriend (j2, R)  
Title: professional zombie boyfriend
Author: _mournthewicked
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: R
Word Count: ~ 8,500
Warnings: Schmoop, candy, and fake zombies!
Disclaimer: I own nothing. It's sad, really.
Summary: Jensen hates surprises. Jared's job is surprising people. It shouldn't work, but it does.

Notes: Halloween is my favorite thing. Candy and pure terror? Come on. I had to write this. It was inspired by a recent trip I took with the lovely kamikaze_redux and woodstarling. This is for them. ♥

[podfic] / [pdf]




Jensen isn’t really known for his patience. He’s sort of eccentric and easily irritated, but once he’s focused on something it’s almost impossible to distract him until said task is complete.

Doesn’t stop Misha from trying though.

“Dude,” Misha says again. He waves his hand in front of Jensen’s face, tan fingers blurring back and forth across the well-read page of the book open in front of him. Jensen doesn’t look up. Misha lets out a harsh sigh and grips Jensen’s chin, forcing it up so Jensen’s narrowed eyes meet his.

What?” Jensen pulls his face from Misha’s grasp and sets his pen down, eyes flicking towards his laptop screen and back to his roommate’s face. Misha lets out a long, soft breath and looks at him with something akin to pity in his eyes.

“You’ve been working on this paper for two weeks straight,” he says. “You need a study break.”

“What I need is to finish this paper,” Jensen replies. He stifles a yawn and scrubs his hand over his face. “And maybe some coffee.”

“You used to be fun, man. I miss always watching my back and waiting for the next practical joke,” Misha says. Jensen stamps down on the slight sting he feels at the words and musters up a weak glare. Misha just stares at him with those giant crystal blue eyes and Jensen purses his lips.

“Yeah, well. No one ever said grad school would be easy.” Jensen picks at a hangnail and rubs the now permanent indent on the side of his right middle finger. The skin there is worn smooth by years of holding pens and pencils too tightly. His wrists throb from typing non-stop.

“And no one ever said you had to take yourself so seriously,” Misha replies. “Jensen, you’re the smartest fucker I know. You ace every test you take and I bet you a thousand that you have an A paper sitting on that laptop but you’re still looking for ways to improve it.”

Jensen slumps in his chair and looks over at his laptop screen guiltily.

“Knew it,” Misha says. “There is no reason you can’t come out with us tonight.”

“Fine,” Jensen relents. He pushes the large textbook away from him and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Boxing Donkey?”

“Fuck the bar. It’s October. Halloween is three weeks away. The smell of horror is in the air!” Misha pulls a folded piece of paper out of his pocket and shakes it out before letting it go. It skitters across Jensen’s cluttered desk and comes to a stop upside down right in front of him. He spins it around with one finger and raises an eyebrow.

“Horror Nights? Really?” Jensen asks, looking dubiously at his friend’s maniacal grin.

“Yes, really.” Misha snatches the paper and looks it over. “It’s gonna be awesome. Rides and haunted houses and terrified girls in slutty costumes running straight into our brave, manly arms.”

Jensen raises an eyebrow.

“Fine,” Misha says. “My brave, manly arms. I don’t need your stupid fucking pretty face cockblocking me anyway, homo.”

“We can’t all be beautiful, Collins.” Misha flips him off and Jensen smirks. “But seriously, I don’t want to go to that.”

“Why not?” Misha cries. “You love horror movies!”

“I love watching them, not living them,” Jensen clarifies. “I don’t want to pay good money to have douches in bad make-up chase me around with fake chainsaws.”

“I knew I could count on you to be a penny pincher. I already bought your ticket.” Misha pulls another wad of paper out of his pocket and unfolds them to reveal two tickets promising them entrance to ‘a night of bone-chilling horror they’ll never forget’. “That’s how much I want to spend time with my best friend.”

“Guilt? Seriously?” Jensen makes the mistake of looking up into a pair of wide blue eyes and pouty lips. Misha can make himself look like a Precious Moments angel figurine and Jensen can never say no to those eyes. “Ugh, fine! I’ll go.”

“Yes!” Misha exclaims as he throws a triumphant fist in the air. “No one can resist the angel eyes.” He pulls his phone out of his pocket and creates a text. “Now put on your shoes and grab your jacket. The guys are waiting downstairs.”

“What, right now?” Jensen asks. Misha grins and Jensen lets out a harsh sigh. After saving all of his work he shuts down his laptop and bends over to put on his shoes. He sits up just in time for Misha to throw his jacket at his face.

“Hurry!” He cries. “Tricks and treats await!”

“I can’t believe you planned this,” Jensen says as he slips into his jacket. “You know how much I hate the element of surprise.”

“Well, you better get used to it,” Misha says. He slings an arm over Jensen’s shoulders and grins cheekily at him. “Tonight’s gonna be full of surprises.”

Misha raises his arms out in front of him and laughs ghoulishly as he zombie-walks out the front door. Jensen hangs his head.

He needs better friends.


Jensen really does hate surprises.

It might be because he’s so socially awkward. He needs time to prepare for interaction with his fellow humans. Or maybe it’s because of the epic prank war between him and Misha that lasted all through college. He’s had enough surprises to last a lifetime.

He yawns blearily as he flashes his ticket at the main gate of the park, trailing after Misha, Chris, Steve, and Danneel. His friends look bright-eyed and excited and he feels more like a zombie than the people running around in costumes.

Misha could have at least guilted him into coming a few hours early so he could have taken a nap beforehand. Asshole.

The crowds and flashing lights make him uneasy and the thick plumes of fake fog irritate his contacts. So far, the night is off to a great start.

Danneel lets out a piercing shriek right in front of him and Jensen looks up to see a disfigured monster wielding an axe. Jensen jumps as the sharp looking object whips through the air next to his face.

Danneel’s scream turns into an embarrassed laugh and the hulking figure turns to find a new victim.

“This is awesome!” Misha cries, and Jensen can barely hear him over the pulsing music. Misha slings his arm around Jensen’s shoulders as they try to fight their way through the first scare zone. It takes forever because Danneel keeps ducking behind them and trying to hide, which makes all the scare-actors come at them that much harder.

A few hours into the night, Jensen is surprised to find that he’s actually having a really good time. It isn’t the most ideal setting, but he does miss his friends and it’s good to catch up. A lot of their time is spent waiting in line for the rides or the different haunted houses, so it gives them lots of time to talk.

Overall, the event really isn’t that scary, but they’ve all gotten off a few good screams that they’ll all deny later.

They make their way through the ‘Welcome to Hell’ scare zone, battling their way past demons and incarnations of the seven deadly sins. The boys get a little distracted by Lust (voluptuous girls in tiny bikinis, covered in blood, dancing provocatively around a pole) and Jensen and Danneel chuckle and pull them along. They get chased out of the scare zone by Wrath, a menacing looking man covered in wounds and wielding a bloody baseball bat, and then it’s time to get in line for another haunted house.

By the time they serpentine their way through the line and make it up front, Jensen is exhausted. Danneel clings to him through the duration of the haunted house, and he’s too busy yawning and chuckling at her to really get scared.

But then something spooks her and she darts ahead with a yelp, leaving Jensen all alone in a dark hallway. He looks around, feeling his skin crawl as if he’s being watched. He can hear shrieks and pleading cries for help, and he jumps when he walks into a line of invisible strings that brush across his face.

He darts through the twisting maze of the haunted house, gulping down stifling air, until he hears Misha’s laugh. He can feel the cool night air and see the exit to the house up ahead. He picks up his pace a little and lets his guard down. This house is creepier than the others and he’s glad to be done with it.

Just as he turns the very last corner a large figure jumps out from its shadowy hiding place. The zombie lets out a cry and lunges for him, blood leaking from his mouth as he sets his bright red eyes on Jensen.

Jensen lets out a loud scream, not expecting the final scare. He jumps high and makes to run around the figure but he trips over something and goes barreling straight into the zombie’s chest. He lets out a loud oomph! and the two of them go flying through two of the heavy black draperies that make up the exit of the house.

They land brutally on the hard packed earth on the other side, rolling a few times and coming to a stop a few feet away. The zombie lands on top of Jensen and he looks up to see terrible, sunken eyes the color of blood. His face is torn to shreds and blood coats his mouth and chin as if he’s ripped someone up recently.

“Oh, son of a bitch,” Jensen moans. He squeezes his eyes shut and turns his head to the side. The guy is all hard muscle, solid as a rock and pinning Jensen down. His heart is pumping so hard he can feel it between his ears. “Oh god, oh god.”

“Oh man!” The zombie says in a panicky, concerned voice. “I’m really sorry. Shit, we’re not supposed to touch the guests. I’m sorry!”

The zombie rolls off of Jensen and stands up, holding a white and bloody hand out. Jensen takes it and feels the smear of grease paint against his palm.

“Are you okay? I don’t know what happened!” The zombie guy says, looking distressed. Or, Jensen thinks he looks distressed. It’s hard to tell under all the horrifying make-up.

“You, uh – well.” Jensen swallows hard and forces himself to look at the guy. He’s tall and built, brown hair matted with dirt and fake blood. “You scared the shit out of me and I ran straight into you.”

To Jensen’s surprise, the guy throws his head back with a booming laugh and reveals a line of gleaming white, slightly uneven teeth.

“Fear is my job,” zombie guy says, and Jensen can feel blood start to fill his cheeks. God, he’s a tool.

A guy dressed in black with a clipboard and a headset suddenly appears in the gaping hole they made in the side of the haunted house. He looks like a dick on a power trip and Jensen is quickly proven right.

“What the hell is going on out here?” The guy yells. He looks furious, much more outraged than the situation warrants. “You’re never supposed to touch the guests, much less tackle them through a damn wall!”

Zombie guy hangs his head, creating a strange juxtaposition of terrifying and chagrined. Misha and the rest of Jensen’s friends come tearing around the corner at that moment.

“Jen!” Misha yells. “There you are! What the hell happened? Was that you screaming?”

“It was my fault,” Jensen says, more to the guy berating the scolded zombie than anyone else. “He scared me and I tripped and fell right into him. My fault, not his.”

“Well, if you’re sure,” the guy says, sending zombie boy one last death glare before turning to Jensen with a tight smile. He pulls something from his clipboard and hands it to Jensen. “This will get you and everyone in your party to the front of the line of an attraction of your choosing. Sorry for any inconvenience.”

“Thanks,” Jensen says awkwardly. “But really, it’s fine.”

“And you,” the guy says, turning back to zombie boy, who perks up and looks at him with wide, red eyes. The contacts are terrifying, turning his entire eye red except for the black pupil. Jensen’s eyes water in sympathy. “Fix this and get back to your position so we can start letting people through again. And hurry.”

“Sure,” the zombie says as the douchebag manager heads back into the haunted house. He looks back over at Jensen for a moment, and he tries to imagine what the guy looks like without the make-up and the costume, but he can’t.

“Dude! We can totally use this for Medusa,” Misha says, looking over Jensen’s shoulder. “The line is like an hour wait. Let’s go.”

“Uh, sure,” Jensen says. He shoots the zombie one last look. He smiles and it looks strange on his made-up face. He opens his mouth but then shuts it again, schooling his features into a menacing expression before ducking inside and fixing the draperies.

“So that was you screamin’, Jen?” Chris asks. Jensen glares at him. “Pretty masculine.”

Misha lets out a mocking, high-pitched scream right near Jensen’s ear and he jumps at the sound. “Please don’t eat me, fake theme park zombie!”

“Sounds about right,” Steve says with a smirk. Jensen blinks and then flips them off before heading for Medusa. The vision of blood red eyes stays in the back of his mind.


Jensen is dragging major ass by the time the park closes.

It’s after one in the morning, closing time, and the place is steadily emptying. Somewhere in the night Danneel acquired a top hat completely caked in glitter and Misha is rocking a pair of blinking red devil’s horns.

Jensen himself is sporting matching under-eye bags and a powerful yawn that his four dollar bottle of Coke did nothing to help get rid of. He keeps his eyes peeled for any stray scare-actors as they make their way through the last scare zone near the entrance of the park, but they all seem more concerned with quitting time than with eliciting any last minute screams of terror.

“Admit it,” Misha says as he bumps his shoulder against Jensen’s. He yawns and looks blearily over at his best friend. The devil’s horns blink spastically against the night sky. “You had fun.”

“Fun is a relative term,” Jensen says. There’s a bruising ache on his hip where he landed from his fall and he has grease paint smeared across his shirt where the zombie boy’s face must have collided with his shoulder. Misha just raises an eyebrow and Jensen rolls his eyes. “Fine, yes. I had fun and I’m glad you dragged me out. The only thing that would make this evening any better is a bed.”

Misha laughs and ruffles Jensen’s hair before turning to wrap his arm around Danneel’s waist. She shakes her hair out and sends glitter flying everywhere. Misha crosses his eyes to look at a speck on his nose and Jensen chuckles.

“Hey!” Jensen pauses in his step at the call coming from behind him but he assumes it’s not for him and keeps walking. A few moments later, he hears footsteps approaching and reflexively tenses. All the scares have made him a little jumpy.

“Hey.” A guy steps into his path and Jensen swallows back his irritation, something that isn’t at all hard to do when he catches a glimpse of his face. The guy is gorgeous, tall and big with indescribable tilted eyes and a wide, pretty mouth. Jensen is struck momentarily dumb. “I just wanted to say sorry again. For earlier, I mean.”

Jensen raises an eyebrow. Maybe if he wasn’t so tired and wasn’t currently having heart palpitations at the sight of this guy’s face, he’d know what the hell he was talking about. The guy seems to sense his confusion and chuckles a little. He holds his arms out straight in front of him and walks a circle around Jensen.

“Braaaains!” He moans, and Jensen nearly slaps his palm to his face. The guy stops in front of him again and smiles indulgently. Jensen blinks and Misha raises an eyebrow over the guy’s shoulder.

“Hi,” Jensen finally spits out. “Zombie guy, right? You look, uh – different.”

“Slightly less terrifying, I hope?” He says, and wow, that’s a pretty awesome smile. His face looks a little pink like he just scrubbed it clean and his dark hair curls damply around his ears. He’s dressed in a hoodie and jeans and Jensen is struck by the sudden memory of this guy pressing him into the dirt, all painted up like a brain-slurping creature of the night.

“A little,” Jensen says with a chuckle. He shifts awkwardly and glances over at his friends. They’re all staring like this is the most fascinating soap opera they’ve ever seen, and Jensen feels himself blush.

“I’m Jared,” the guy says. He holds his hand out and Jensen takes it. The touch is softer than earlier, a little more intimate and free of the distracting slick of grease paint. Jared’s skin is warm and soft and Jensen feels a little spark in his belly.

“Jensen.” The word comes out a little rougher than he intended and he shakes his head as if to clear it, pulling his hand out of Jared’s. “And, uh, you don’t have to apologize. I should be the one saying sorry. I did sort of tackle you through a wall.”

“It seems we both need to make amends then,” Jared says with a smirk. He looks at Jensen fondly for a moment and then smiles. “How about we buy each other a cup of coffee and call it even?”

Danneel throws victory arms up in the air behind Jared and Misha and Chris link arms to do a little jig. Jensen’s eyes widen at them before he looks back at Jared. Just, wow. He sort of can’t keep track of his thoughts when he looks at those eyes.

“Sure,” Jensen says. Jared’s grin grows even wider and Jensen’s heart does a little flip-flop. This is crazy. Jensen hasn’t met anyone that made him feel like this since, well, ever. He doesn’t think his heart has ever flip-flopped at first sight. “I’d like that.”

“Awesome!” Jared says. He bounces on his heels a little and Jensen’s stomach flips along with his heart. “As long as your friends don’t mind me taking you away from them.”

“No, they – wait. You mean right now?” Jensen asks, and Jared’s smile falters a little.

“Well, yeah,” Jared replies. He bites his pink, soft-looking lip and Jensen licks his own responsively. “But I know it’s late, so – “

“No,” Jensen cuts in. Moments ago he was so exhausted that visions of down-filled pillows danced before his eyes, but suddenly he’s gotten a second wind. He’d stay up to watch the sunrise if this boy asked. “No, now is good. It’s just – I didn’t drive.”

“No problem. I can drive you,” Jared says. “You’re local, right?”

“Yeah, I live about fifteen minutes up the 101.” Jared grins widely and bites his lip.

“Not far from me then,” he replies. “I’m glad. I gotta tell you, I would have been heartbroken had you been a tourist.”

Jensen doesn’t really know what to say to that.

“So it’s settled!” Misha calls out. He walks over to Jared and claps a hand down on his shoulder. “Jared, is it? Misha. Nice to meet you.”

“Likewise,” Jared says brightly. Jensen just stares at Misha because his best friend is nothing if not embarrassing.

“Feel free to kidnap Jensen here, zombie boy,” Misha says. “He could use the distraction. Just promise you won’t eat him. Unless he asks you to, that is.”

“You’re a horrible person,” Jensen tells him miserably, and Misha grins at him.

“Have fun, kids!” Misha calls out over his shoulder as he walks away. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”

“Sorry about him,” Jensen says awkwardly once they’re alone. “My friends are – “

“Just like mine,” Jared cuts in. “Don’t worry about it.” He laughs softly and shakes his hair out. It’s starting to dry and Jensen is momentarily distracted by the soft curl of it. He really wants to touch it. “Ready to go?”

“Hm? Oh. Right.” Jensen grins sheepishly and hopes Jared didn’t catch him staring. “Yeah, sure.”

They exit the theme park amidst the sound of shrieks and chainsaws, and their shoulders brush as they make their way out of the gate.


The diner Jared takes him to isn’t far from the theme park, and it seems to be a popular post-shift hangout for its workers.

People in various states of uniforms and costumes litter the comfy looking booths – some in the standard theme park gear and some still decked out in face paint like they’re waiting to go home to wash.

Jared leads him to a booth near the back where it’s a little quieter after greeting a few of his co-workers. Jensen flips his coffee cup over as soon as they sit down, waiting eagerly for a caffeine fix.

He’s feeling a little uncomfortable and a lot awkward. He’s squirmy and nervous while Jared seems completely loose-limbed and relaxed. Jensen takes a deep breath and looks into Jared’s eyes again. The myriad of colors soothes Jensen a little.

“Lot better than the red,” Jensen mumbles. Jared looks up from the menu to meet Jensen’s gaze.

“Hm?” Jensen closes his eyes for a second and then clears his throat.

“Your eyes,” Jensen clarifies. “They’re very – well, better than the contacts.”

“Oh, thanks,” Jared says with a chuckle. “Yeah, those are such a bitch. Can’t stand ‘em.”

Their waitress comes over and Jensen and Jared each order a cup of coffee and a slice of pie. She tops off their cups with the pot in her hand and Jensen barely waits for it to cool before he slams it back. The scalding liquid burns his throat and Jared just watches amusedly as he adds packet after packet of Splenda to his own mug.

“So, uh,” Jensen says in a voice slightly raw from chugging hot coffee. “How does one become a professional zombie?”

“Well, I came out here to act. Or well, that was the plan, anyway. It’s not exactly going so well right now.” Jared’s smile dims for a moment before returning in full force. “My roommates got me the job. They were playing the Lust dancers tonight.”

“Oh, well then my friends already love you,” Jensen chuckles. “They made quite an impression.”

“They do that,” Jared replies. “But yeah, I mean. It’s sort of fun. I’m kind of a spare, so I just get placed wherever they need me. I’m not always a zombie. Tonight was just my lucky night, I guess.”

“Right,” Jensen laughs. “I’m sure me freaking out and knocking the air out of you was really lucky.”

“Extremely,” Jared replies, and Jensen’s chuckle dies in his throat. “I sort of couldn’t stop thinking about you. Didn’t even get a good scare for the rest of the night.”

“Sorry,” Jensen says awkwardly. He can feel his cheeks blazing but there isn’t anything he can really do about it.

“Don’t be,” Jared says with a charming smile. “I’m definitely not.”

Jensen can feel his heart thumping in his chest and he bites down on a silly grin. He’s practically been a monk since he started grad school – always studying or thinking or stressing over something. It’s nice to relax in a dingy booth in a crappy diner with a cute, interesting boy.

It’s been far too long since his heart has pounded like this.

Jensen opens his mouth to say something, he’s not sure what, but then the waitress brings their pie and tops off Jensen’s coffee. Jared looks absolutely gleeful when his pie is set in front of him, and he tears into it with the reckless abandon of a child with a pillowcase full of Halloween candy. Jensen watches him fondly for a moment before starting on his own piece.

They stay in that booth for a long time, just swapping questions and stories and getting to know each other. Jensen loses count of the number of times his coffee cup gets refilled, and he laughs when some of the whipped cream from Jared’s third piece of pie gets stuck in the bow of his upper lip.

And god, he laughs. Jared is hysterical and sweet and so very gorgeous, and Jensen wants. He wants in a way that makes him ache, wants not just with his body but with his heart and his head.

Jared’s laugh is too loud and he eats far too much and he takes up too much room. His fingers are long and his teeth are just barely uneven. He’s completely perfect.

“Well, I should probably get you home,” Jared says as he stretches his arms over his head. “If you were tired when I kidnapped you, then you must be exhausted now.”

“Huh?” Jensen asks. He finally tears his eyes away from Jared’s face and looks out of the window behind him. There is the slightest bit of grey on the horizon, and Jensen blinks in surprise. “Oh, wow. Time flies.”

“Definitely.” Jared drums his fingertips on the chipped tabletop and clears his throat. He looks a little nervous and Jensen bites his lip. “We should do this again. Like, really soon.”

“Really soon,” Jensen echoes absently. “Yeah, definitely. Um, my friends are having a thing next Saturday. Want to come?”

“Weekend nights are pretty booked for me through Halloween,” Jared says regretfully. Jensen chuckles and shakes his head.

“Right, professional zombie.” Jensen bites his lip and then smiles when their knees brush under the table. “Well, I gave you my number. Call me and we’ll have lunch this week sometime?”

“Definitely.” Jared grins bright and happy, and Jensen’s heart does a somersault.

After some insistence, Jared pays the tab and they climb into his car. The ride lulls Jensen back into his quiet, sleepy state and he glances from the burgeoning sunlight to Jared’s face and back again.

The sky is a cool, gunmetal grey by the time Jensen sleepily navigates Jared to his building. Once the car is in park he turns to look at Jared, too tired to keep the dopey grin off of his face.

“I had fun,” Jensen says. “I’m glad you made me scream like a little girl.”

“Me too,” Jared replies softly. His smile is so warm and indulgent and Jensen feels himself grinning lazily in response. “Okay, I know it’s too soon and everything. But I just – “

Jensen barely has time to react before Jared is leaning over and pressing their mouths together softly. It’s Jensen’s first kiss in a very long time, and it’s the first kiss that has ever made his heart flutter like this.

Jensen lets out a low, pleased sound and kisses Jared back, soft and gentle. Jared’s large hand cups his cheek and he licks his way inside, deepening the kiss. He tastes like bittersweet coffee, slightly burnt with too much sugar, and Jensen licks it away until there is nothing left but them.

Jared pulls away before the kiss can get too heated, and he’s grinning like he’s just won the lottery. Jensen’s brain feels a little muddled and foggy and he belatedly realizes that his fingers are tangled in Jared’s unruly hair. He pulls his hand away and smiles sheepishly.

“Wow, Jared, I – “ He searches for the words but his mind is pleasantly blank. “Shit.”

Jared chuckles and leans in to press another quick kiss to Jensen’s lips. He’s barely a scant inch away when he speaks. The words brush across Jensen’s lips in a hot whisper that sends shivers down his spine.

“I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?” Jared says. “Or well, later today, I guess.”

“Yeah.” Jensen nods dumbly and kisses the corner of Jared’s mouth. “Thanks for making my heart pound all night. Your methods are varying but effective.”

“Ditto,” Jared chuckles. He kisses Jensen once more and leans across his lap to open his door. “Now go get some sleep.”

Jared waits on the curb until Jensen gets inside the building and then he drives away. Jensen lets himself into his apartment and falls into bed with a grin on his face.

He’s asleep within minutes.


Aaaaiiieeeeee!”

Jensen jumps and nearly drops the pumpkin he’s in the middle of carving. He narrows his eyes and looks up to see Misha smiling serenely at him.

“Fucking knock it off, you cockhole,” Jensen snaps. “I have a sharp object in my hand. All the better to stab you with.”

“Please don’t eat me, fake zombie! I have but only one life to live! Take me out for coffee and make me your boyfriend instead!”

Jensen grabs a plastic cup from the sink and throws it at Misha’s head. It connects with a satisfying thwack that has Jensen laughing and Misha groaning. Misha’s current favorite thing is mocking Jensen’s unfortunate scream when Jared jumped out at him at the haunted house, and he’s traipsing all over Jensen’s last nerve.

“Exceptional aim, douchebag.” Misha sets the cup on the counter and wrinkles his nose at the bowl of pumpkin innards. “What time is loverboy picking you up, anyway?”

“Really soon,” Jensen says. “He wants me to meet his roommates. We’re having dinner.”

“Wait, you mean his super hot lusty go-go dancer roommates?” Misha asks excitedly. “Dude, you gotta let me come.”

“They aren’t always Lust,” Jensen replies. “And no. You’ve turned embarrassing me into a fine art and I’m too nervous to have you around fucking my shit up.”

“Aw, Jennifer,” Misha says with a pout. Jensen glares at him. “I’m hurt. Besides, I don’t know why you’re nervous. Zombie boy is absolutely smitten. He’s one Eskimo kiss away from picking you a bouquet of wildflowers, or whatever it is homos do to express their loooove.”

“So very much of that was offensive,” Jensen replies blandly. Misha rolls his eyes and hops up onto the counter.

“Dude, come on,” Misha says seriously. “You two are fucking gone for each other. It’s nauseating.” Jensen smiles to himself and pops a triangular eye out of his pumpkin. “So, you guys fucked yet?”

“Dude!” Jensen shouts, throwing the piece of pumpkin at him. “Not that it’s any of your fucking business, but no. It’s too soon.”

“You’re both reasonably attractive, consenting adults,” Misha counters. “It’s never too soon.”

“I hate you.” Misha just grins. “Go smoke some pot and leave me alone. You’re marginally less annoying when you’re stoned.”

“I guess I could do that,” Misha says somberly. “For you.”

Misha heads for the living room and lets out another loud shriek. He jumps up onto the couch and pretends to faint, falling backwards onto the cushions.

Jensen hangs his head and counts backwards from ten. By the time he’s done, Misha is in his room with the door closed. Thank god for small miracles.

Jensen cuts the second eye out of his jack o’ lantern and scoops up all the pumpkin pieces and insides and throws them away before proudly placing his pumpkin on the dining table.

A quick glance at his phone tells him that Jared should be here any second, so he runs into his room to quickly wash his hands and change his shirt. The doorbell rings just as he’s fastening the last button.

As soon as he answers the door, Jared grins and steps forward to gently take Jensen’s face in his hands. His cheeks flush at Jared’s touch and he reaches up to touch his wrists.

“This gorgeous face is just what I needed to see after my clusterfuck of a day,” Jared says in lieu of a hello. Jensen chuckles and lets out a soft noise when Jared leans in to kiss him

“Mm, hi,” Jensen says when Jared steps away. “How’d your audition go?”

“Long. But good, I think. We’ll see,” Jared says. “Afterward I had to run over to the park. They’re putting me in Hell for the weekend, so I had to do a little training. That’s cool though, because most of my friends are in Hell. Sophia and Katie are Lust and Chad is the devil.”

“Your job is weird, man,” Jensen says after a moment. Jared laughs and shoves his hands into his pockets. Jensen looks over at Misha’s bedroom door and a light bulb goes off over his head. A mischievous smile pulls at his lips and he turns back to Jared. “Hey, speaking of your friends and your weird job, I was wondering if maybe you could gather a few of them to help me out with a little, uh, project.”

“I could probably manage that,” Jared replies with a sly smile. “Professional zombie boyfriend, at your service.”

Jensen chuckles but the sound dies in his throat once Jared’s words sink in. He meets Jared’s eyes and watches as they widen and Jared’s tan face flushes a rare shade of dusky pink.

“Shit,” Jared says. He runs his fingers through his hair and bites his lip. “It’s way too soon to be throwing around the ‘b’ word. So, just, uh – “

“No,” Jensen cuts in. He smiles warmly and tugs on the hem of Jared’s shirt. “It’s not too soon. Not if we don’t want it to be, which I don’t.”

“Really? Okay, awesome.” Jared lets out a relieved breath and smiles that huge, show stopping smile. “So, are you ready to go? You can fill me in on the details of your dastardly plan in the car.”

Jensen tosses his head back with a maniacal cackle as he grabs his coat and Jared lets out an amused snort as he follows his boyfriend out the door.


It’s late by the time Misha comes home, far past the witching hour, and Jensen lies on the sofa in front of the television flickering in the dark as still as a corpse.

Misha lets out a tipsy grunt of a greeting before disappearing into the bathroom, but Jensen remains still. As soon as the bathroom door shuts, Jensen’s eyes pop open and his bloody lips turn up into an evil smirk.

Less than ten seconds after Misha shut the bathroom door he lets out a shrill, bloodcurdling scream. Jensen rolls his lips into his mouth to keep from laughing and tastes sickly sweet corn syrup.

Misha bolts out of the bathroom with the speed of a marathon runner and a masked figure is quick on his heels. The guy is covered in blood, none of it his own. The figure jumps out of the window and onto the fire escape, and Misha lets out a whimper.

“Jensen!” Misha shrieks, jumping over the coffee table and landing on his knees in front of the sofa. Jensen’s eyes are closed and he struggles not to move. Misha grabs his shoulders and his hands come away sticky with blood. “Oh motherfucking shit.”

Jensen sucks in a deep breath and opens his eyes, turning them on Misha with a panicked expression. A choking sound escapes his lips and he gasps out a plea for help. His eyes flick to the space over Misha’s shoulder and he lets out a whimper.

“Run!” He chokes out, blood spilling from his mouth as he bites down on a blood capsule. Misha turns to see another masked figure, this one taller and bigger, walking calmly towards him.

Misha lets out a sharp squeak and stumbles backwards. The figure approaches slowly, menacingly, and Misha’s back hits the wall with a thump. The killer pulls out a knife, still sticky and warm with blood, and raises it over his head.

Misha’s scream rivals Jensen’s any day. It’s long and drawn out and Jensen stifles a laugh.

The figure swings the knife down and it connects with Misha’s chest. The blade disappears into the handle and the masked figure lets out a chuckle. Misha cautiously opens his eyes and looks down at what should be a stab wound.

Jensen hops off of the couch and turns on the lights before he begins applauding. Misha’s eyes go from Jensen’s laughing face to the red-smeared sheet protecting the couch and back to his attacker.

Jared pulls off his mask and waves the knife around before pushing the blade in with his finger. The other attacker climbs back in the window and pulls off his mask to reveal Jared’s friend Chad. He’s laughing so hard his eyes water.

“What the fuck?” Misha shrieks, loud and out of breath. “What’s going on?”

“Happy Halloween!” Jensen calls out. He walks over to Misha while licking fake blood from his lips. “Payback’s a bitch, huh?”

“You… this… you planned this?” Misha gets out, looking down at the dye staining his plain blue tee. He looks bewildered, confused, and a little impressed. “You can’t do this shit to a stoner, man!”

“Sorry,” Jensen chuckles. Misha’s face is priceless – eyes wide with terror and skin as pale as a ghost. It reminds Jensen of their college days and endless prank wars. Misha turns his gaze back to Jared and lets out a deep breath.

“You’re lucky. I was just about to break out some serious ninja shit,” Misha says, and Jared raises an eyebrow. “I would have palm striked you right in the nuts, you tall bastard.”

“C’mon, dude,” Jensen chuckles. “You gotta admit. That was a good one.”

“You’re an asshole,” Misha says simply. Jensen’s bedroom door swings open and Sophia and Katie saunter out. They’re still in full costume as Lust, tiny little black bikinis with bloodstained skin.

“Aw, did we miss the blood bath?” Katie croons. Sophia pouts and Jensen chuckles. These are two of the sweetest, funniest girls in the world and their lusty act is hilarious to watch. Misha’s jaw damn near hits the floor and he looks over to see Jensen holding a bottle of tequila out to him with a shrug and a smirk.

“Forgiven!” Misha shouts as the girls simper over towards him. Misha grabs the bottle from Jensen and gives him a wink.

“Misha, this is Sophia and Katie,” Jensen says. “And this is Chad. You two will probably get along splendidly.”

“What up?” Chad says. He snatches the tequila away from Misha with a lewd grin. “We gonna party or what?”

“Do that,” Jensen says. “I’m gonna go clean up.”

“Me too!” Jared shouts, winking at Jensen before turning to follow him into the bathroom.

The white tile walls of the shower are smeared with fake blood and Jensen turns on the shower to wash it away. He pulls his ruined tee shirt over his head and shudders as Jared comes up behind him and presses his lips to the back of Jensen’s neck.

“Mm, sticky,” he breathes, and then gently bites down. Jensen swallows hard and turns around in Jared’s arms.

“You guys were awesome,” Jensen says. Jared grins proudly as Jensen wets a washcloth with warm water and wipes the corn syrup and dye from his face. Jared takes off his own sticky shirt and Jensen is distracted instantly.

“Here, let me.” Jared takes the washcloth from Jensen and wets it again before dragging it across his neck and down his arms. He meticulously wipes away every trace of the messy concoction and Jensen nearly melts at the gentle touch. He turns around to brush his teeth and Jared comes up behind him again, kissing the side of his neck as he watches them in the mirror. “You’re not bad looking, you know that?”

“Neither are you,” Jensen says easily, but he can’t fight the smile tugging at his lips. “For a zombie, anyway.”

Jared smiles against the side of Jensen’s neck and Jensen turns around to press their mouths together. The kiss is slow and intense, hot and lazy, and Jared moans into it.

Big hands settle on Jensen’s hips and he’s lifted almost effortlessly onto the counter. It’s amazing how hot he finds it, how much he loves that Jared can pick him up and maneuver him. He can’t wait to find out what that’s like in bed, what it’s like to have Jared pinning him down.

Jared is so kind and gentle but there’s so much raw strength in everything he does. It’s a juxtaposition that gets Jensen’s blood boiling.

They make out like teenagers – hands tangled in messy hair, teeth clashing and tongues exploring. Jensen’s legs are wrapped tight around Jared’s waist and Jared’s hands are down the back of Jensen’s pants, cupping and squeezing.

“God, Jared. I want – "

Jensen is cut off by a loud banging on the bathroom door and Jared groans as he mouths at the underside of Jensen’s jaw.

“What?” Jensen yells. He pulls Jared’s face back by his hair and kisses his mouth again. Jared makes a soft growling noise and Jensen’s hips jerk.

“Get the fuck out here!” Misha calls. “If you’re gonna give me a fucking heart attack the least you can do is get your mouth off your boyfriend’s dick long enough to make sure my heart rate returns to normal!”

“Mm, that sounds like a good idea,” Jensen breathes. “Want my mouth on your dick?”

“Oh fuck,” Jared moans. He bites down softly on Jensen’s bottom lip and he grins. There’s another knock on the door and Jensen lets out an irritated growl.

“Oh, what’s this?” Misha asks loudly. “A brand new expensive looking textbook? Who wants to make paper airplanes?”

Jensen’s head jerks up and he narrows his eyes at the door. There’s a long ripping sound, like a page being torn out of a book, and Jensen lets out a squeak. He pushes past Jared and flings the door open. Misha drops the textbook and Jensen tackles him to the floor.

“Oh my god!” Misha shrieks. “I can totally feel your boner! Get off of me, you fucking ‘mo!”

Jared lets out a loud laugh and pulls Jensen up from the floor, dangling a People magazine with the cover ripped off in front of his face.

“Oh,” Jensen breathes. “Uh, textbooks are really expensive.”

“You wouldn’t like Jennifer when she’s angry,” Misha taunts as he lies on the floor. Jensen rolls his eyes and drops the magazine on Misha’s face. “Paper cut, cockhole!”

“Come on,” Jared breathes in Jensen’s ear. “Let’s have some tequila, hang out a little, and then we’ll go in your room and finish what we started.”

“Deal.” Jensen grins and the girls catcall as their mouths meet once more. The kiss doesn’t last long. Misha punches the back of Jensen’s right knee and he crumples to the floor on top of his friend.

Just like old times.


“You’re seriously not coming to the party?”

“Misha!” Jensen calls from the couch. “For the last time, I’m seriously not going.”

“But – "

“Dude,” Jensen says, holding up a hand. “Can you please cover the fig leaf?”

Misha sighs and pulls a loose pair of sweat pants on over the only item he’s wearing – a flesh colored thong with a fig leave precariously taped over his bulge.

“Prude,” Misha scoffs. “I can’t believe you’re not going.”

“I can’t believe you got Katie to agree to go with you as Eve,” Jensen replies. Misha grins proudly.

“Well, I was gonna ask you to be my Eve,” Misha replies. “I even got the fig leaves to cover your cute little nipples.” He reaches out to twist said nipple and Jensen slaps his hand away.

“Ow, fucker.”

“Besides,” Misha continues. “If you were rocking a body as hot as Katie’s, would you want to cover it up? Just – damn. That girl really is lust personified.”

“Please put your tongue back in your mouth,” Jensen says blandly. “I just mopped.”

“You’re just jealous of my super-hot new girlfriend,” Misha replies. Jensen looks over at him like he’s stupid. He lifts his finger in the air and waves it around his head.

“Gay, remember?” Jensen tells him. “Your pretty little thing does nothing for me. I’ve got my own pretty thing. He’s tall and muscular and has a huge dick.”

“Dude, overshare. We’re just rollin’ in it, aren’t we?” Misha grins and holds his fist out to Jensen. He smirks and lifts his own to bump them together.

“I’m not sure what ‘it’ is, but yeah.” Jensen settles back on the couch and Misha flaps his arms in frustration.

“So you’re really – "

“Not going. That’s right.” Jensen sighs and looks over at his friend. “Look, dude. Midterms just about killed me. And now they’re over, and it’s Jared’s last night at work. Crazy awesome Jensen is making a comeback, but boring Jensen needs just one more night to himself, okay?”

“I really get crazy awesome Jensen back?” Misha asks. Jensen rolls his eyes and digs his hand in between the couch cushions. He pulls out a can of silly string and sprays Misha with a liberal amount. Both of them keep a completely straight face, and Jensen only drops the can when it sputters and runs out of string.

“Really?” Misha asks, shaking his head and sending foam flying. “That’s crazy awesome? You know you’re twenty-five, right?”

“Fuck you. I’m rusty.”

“Whatever.” Misha plucks the rest of the silly string from his mostly naked body and pulls on a sweatshirt. “I’m outta here. You sit here with your Snuggie and your value pack candy and your Hocus Pocus on the Disney channel.”

“Man, I wish I had a Snuggie,” Jensen says dreamily. Misha stares for a long second before shaking his head.

“Our friendship is an embarrassment,” Misha says as he heads for the door.

“Love you, too!” Jensen calls out just before it slams shut. He smirks to himself and settles deep into the couch cushions.

It’s still fairly early, so he watches all the crappy kid’s programming on ABC Family as the trick-or-treaters begin to dwindle. By nine he’s a relaxed, warm little ball under the blankets. Nightmare Before Christmas is playing on the TV and his jack o’ lantern flickers happily from the dining table.

His eyes are just beginning to droop sleepily when the doorbell rings. He considers ignoring it – it’s just a straggling trick-or-treater and he’s sort of low on candy anyway, but he sighs and rolls off of the couch.

The air in the apartment is chilly and he shivers as he grabs the candy bowl and heads for the door. He pulls it open with his gaze fixed downward and is met by the sight of an extra large belt buckle. His gaze flicks upwards to see Jared smiling sheepishly at him.

“Trick-or-treat!” He says, and Jensen smiles widely.

“Let’s see,” Jensen says, looking down into his candy bowl. “I don’t have much left.”

“That’s okay,” Jared replies. “Sweetest thing ain’t even in the bowl.” He leans in to kiss Jensen on the mouth and he chuckles as he pulls his boyfriend inside and shuts the door.

“What are you doing here?” Jensen asks. Not that he minds. “You’re supposed to be all zombied out.”

“Pulled a few favors,” Jared says with a shrug. “Didn’t wanna spend my Halloween hiding in dark corners and making people scream.”

“Well, Chris’s party should still be going strong,” Jensen suggests as he pads back over to the sofa. He’s far too relaxed to even consider going out, but if Jared wants to he can try to muster up the energy. “Did you wanna go?”

“Nope,” Jared replies. He kicks off his sneakers and takes off his hoodie before getting under the blankets with Jensen. “Want to watch Nightmare and eat chocolate and cuddle with my boyfriend.”

Jensen smiles as Jared pulls him in close, and then hisses when his bare skin brushes Jared’s belt buckle. “Cold.” Jared takes off his belt and then kicks off his jeans, curling up with Jensen in only a tee shirt and boxers.

“Are you really low on candy or were you fucking with me?” Jared asks, and Jensen chuckles. He leans forward to grab the candy bowl and sets it on his lap. Jared hooks his chin over Jensen’s shoulder and reaches around to dig through it. “Jackpot.”

For the next few hours they snuggle up on the couch and swap lazy, candy-flavored kisses as children’s movies play in the background.

“Best Halloween ever,” Jared mumbles hotly against Jensen’s mouth. “We should do it again for Christmas.”

“Yeah?” Jensen asks, slipping his hands up Jared’s shirt. “Sounds good to me.”

“Already got a job lined up, too,” Jared mumbles. He rolls them so Jensen is the one on top and he looks down at Jared’s bright, happy face.

“What’s that?” Jensen asks as he slips his thigh between Jared’s legs and rests his head on his chest. “Zombie elf?”

“Satanic reindeer,” Jared replies. Jensen lets out a soft chuckle and tips his face up to look at Jared. His lips are swollen and curled up into a lazy, pleased smile.

“Man, who would have thought I would fall for a flesh-eating zombie in the House of Horrors?” Jensen mumbles. Jared’s smile grows wider and he curls his hands around Jensen’s hips.

“You did fall. Literally,” Jared reminds him. “And scream. Maybe pee yourself a little.”

“Shut up,” Jensen scoffs, pushing ineffectually at Jared’s shoulder. His gaze turns serious and he bites his lip as he looks into Jared’s eyes.

“I have, you know,” Jensen says in a near whisper. “Fallen for you.”

Jared’s eyes go liquid and he wraps his arms tight around Jensen’s waist. He feels safe and happy, and he slumps boneless against Jared.

“Me too,” Jared replies. Their lips meet and Jensen knocks the candy bowl off of the couch with his elbow. Pieces of candy roll in every direction but he doesn’t even notice.

He doesn’t need it. Jared is sweet enough.

[end.]

 
 
 
[meg]: actors: j2 *glee!*earthquakedream on October 21st, 2009 05:16 am (UTC)
SO GLAD I STAYED UP FOR THIS. Cutest thing EVER!! I was seriously cracking up through most of it, especially with the prank they played on Misha. SO MUCH WIN. <33
It's code for nerd disguised as a geek: [cw] entertainment weekly shootmatalinolukaret on October 21st, 2009 05:19 am (UTC)
EEEEE. ♥ So adorable and hilarious. Perfect.

And the images of the Reese's made me hungry. Lol. ;P
woodstarling on October 21st, 2009 05:31 am (UTC)
THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY. In many, many ways. TY 4 BEIN MY FRIEND, CUZ THIS SHIT IS AWESOME.

misha/katie 4evr PALM STRIKE.
z3s_keep_going: spn :: black and white suitsz3s_keep_going on October 21st, 2009 05:43 am (UTC)
omg adorable! seriously amazing ;D oh boys!!
a confederacy of idiotsabrokencompass on October 21st, 2009 06:16 am (UTC)
Snuggies are the bomb. I bought one for my dad.

You know what else is the bomb? (Yes, i'm going back to the 90's for my lingo) YOU FIC.

I want a zombie to scare me and knock me over and then ask me out for coffee, now. For shame.

Loved this!
biancathecookie: j2biancathecookie on October 21st, 2009 06:27 am (UTC)
I AM SO GLAD I STAYED AWAKE. CUTEST. EVER. NOW, I NEED A TIMESTAMP WITH SOME PORN, WOMAN

<3
~*~Goddess of Death~*~: J2orphan_project on October 21st, 2009 06:35 am (UTC)
This was so adorable! I loved every bit of it! :D
Shayloveisimmortal on October 21st, 2009 06:55 am (UTC)
Makes me want to go to my own haunted house and find me a zombieboyfriend!

So cute!!! :D
ms_soma on October 21st, 2009 07:32 am (UTC)
nawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Super sweet and funny and hot :). Just what I needed when I'm feeling like crap. ♥ ♥ ♥
MJayjaysplacetohide on October 21st, 2009 10:25 am (UTC)
Awwwwesome =)
this is seriously SWEET stuff...
they're all adorably
Jo: Adorkableapieceofcake on October 21st, 2009 11:36 am (UTC)
Lovely! Thank you :-)
on your internets, being a fangirlbellaaurora on October 21st, 2009 12:22 pm (UTC)
Adorable, adorable boys!!! Great job!
Nicolaalocine_89 on October 21st, 2009 02:18 pm (UTC)
aaaw!

epic adorableness!

going in my bookmarks :D
Laura: J2violateraindrop on October 21st, 2009 02:25 pm (UTC)
Aww <3
They are really adorable. I also totally love the title professional zombie boyfriend :D
Colleen: pic#94226872cravenhawk on October 21st, 2009 02:32 pm (UTC)
This was awesome! Just in time for Halloween too. Love that yo made Jensen and Misha best friends.