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16 August 2009 @ 04:22 pm
fic: whammied! (a series of unfortunate events)  
Title: whammied! (a series of unfortunate events)
Author: _mournthewicked
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: Adult.
Word Count: 8,650
Disclaimer: It’s all lies!
Summary: Turns out all it takes is a delusional fangirl with crazy-ass magical powers to make Jared realize what he has always had right in front of him. (All roads lead to cock.)
Warnings: Massive amounts of crack and an abuse of fandom clichés. (ilu fandom.)
Notes: This random little fic is dedicated to bekkis because her random tweet inspired this crazy mess. Also dedicated to my beta kamikaze_redux who bet me I couldn’t write something under 10,000 words. Suck it! (♥) Divider by waterofthemoon!

PDF version: Here.




Jared has suffered through sixteen straight hours of shooting a grueling, intense episode. His eyes hurt from fake crying and his throat hurts from real yelling.

He just wants to crawl into his trailer and wash the make-up off of his face. Maybe curl into a ball on his lumpy, tiny trailer bed and weep a little, let it all out. Jensen stumbles to a stop in front of his trailer door, reaching out to grab Jared by the shoulder.

“Good job today, man,” he says in a gravelly voice. It’s worn out and raw from spending the last three hours screaming out for Sam in fake-pain.

“You too, dude,” Jared replies, clapping Jensen on the shoulder. Jensen looks at him then, gaze so intense it nearly freaks Jared out. Jensen gets like this sometimes, when they shoot so late into the night it’s nearly morning and he’s dead on his feet. Jensen looks at him like Dean looks at Sam – like he means the world to him, like he’d die to make him smile.

Jared blames it on character bleed. It’s a bitch.

He leaves Jensen standing at the staircase to his trailer, stumbling sleepily next door to his own. He yawns as he unlocks the door, nearly dropping his key as he goes inside and shuts the door.

He looks up and certainly does not let out a shriek.

Okay fine, he totally yelps like Sadie when she gets her tail stepped on, but it’s justified. There’s a random girl sitting on his lumpy trailer bed. She’s clutching some sort of dusty old tome that looks like a prop from set, and her eyes burn deep into Jared’s like she can read his thoughts.

She’s a nice looking girl, but she could be Megan Fox’s twin and be topless and Jared still wouldn’t want her in his trailer. He doesn’t even know how she could have gotten in. Jared’s had the key on him all day and he’s pretty sure set beefed up security when Jensen became deathly afraid of all fangirls everywhere.

“Hi Jared.” Her voice is childlike and creepy-calm. Jared stands up straight and swallows hard. Her eyes flick upwards to his, never breaking contact. Jared blinks. It’s fucking unnerving.

“Uh, can I help you?” Jared gets out. He isn’t sure what to say in this situation. ‘Are you a stalker?’ and ‘Please don’t kill me.’ don’t seem entirely appropriate. The girl stands up slowly, still clutching the book to her chest like it’s her diary and she’s in seventh grade.

“I’m just wondering when you’re going to get with the picture, Jared,” she says, cocking her head to the side and appraising him like she’s a cat and he’s a most interesting insect – like he’s something she wants to dissect.

Jared has no fucking idea what she’s talking about. He flattens himself against his trailer door like he doesn’t have a hundred pounds of muscle alone on her. Something about her freaks him out – maybe the terrifyingly calm look in her eyes or her creepy high-pitched voice.

“You and Jensen are meant to be together,” she says, and Jared would laugh if he wasn’t so afraid. “It’s fated. You were made for each other, Jared. Jensen sees that. I don’t understand why you haven’t.”

Fantastic. Some delusional fucking fangirl has broken into his trailer and will probably kill him because he doesn’t want to do the deed with his best friend. Fuck the internet. Seriously. Nothing good ever comes from it.

Except for maybe Ninja Cat, but now is not the time to think about his favorite viral videos.

“Listen,” Jared says calmly, holding up his hands in surrender. “Jensen and I aren’t – we aren’t like that. We’re friends. Those stories you read online – they’re just that. They’re stories. Fiction. They aren’t real.”

“Jared, don’t you see?” She asks, and no, he really fucking doesn’t. For a second he wonders if maybe this is a prank, if this is some girl Misha hired to scare the shit out of him. He looks around like maybe his crazy-ass co-star will hop out of his shower cubicle and yell ‘gotcha!’. But so far it looks like it’s just the two of them – Jared and the psychotic fan. “It’s been written a thousand different ways, but no matter how it happens, no matter who you are, you end up together. That’s how it’s meant to be. All roads lead to the same destination.”

He sort of wants to scream ‘but what about het?!’ but he doesn’t think that will go over very well.

“No, I’m sorry – “ Jared says, but she sighs. Her eyes finally slip shut and for some reason that scares Jared more than anything. She rolls her lips into her mouth and looks at Jared again. Her irises are a cold grey color and they burn into Jared like white-hot fire.

“I didn’t want to do this, Jared,” she says, and Jared swallows hard. “I wish you would just understand.”

“I do! I understand!” Jared calls out. Shit, he’ll go next door and suck Jensen’s dick right the fuck now if it’ll get this crazy bitch out of his trailer. She makes a soft tsk sound, like she’s a mother disappointed in her child, and raises her arm.

She points at him with one finger, nail covered in chipped black polish. Her eyes seem to fade from grey to white and Jared’s scream dies in his throat.

She yells out something in another language – something like Latin that Jared doesn’t recognize. Jared’s heart beats wildly as his trailer fills with harsh white light.

A shrill whistling noise pierces the air and Jared slams his eyes shut, hands going over his ears.

Everything gets whiter and brighter, shriller and louder, until finally it all stops. The word tilts on its axis – goes black and silent, and Jared crumples to the floor.



Jared opens his eyes, blinking rapidly as he struggles to get his wits about him. His cheek is pressed against something cold and hard – his back hurts and his neck aches.

“Jared, did you seriously fall asleep on me again?” Okay, Jensen bitching at him. That’s familiar. “You have two days to learn this stuff.”

Jared resists the urge to sob in relief. He fell asleep while running lines with Jensen and it was all a terrible nightmare.

“Shit, dude,” Jared says, closing his eyes as he takes a deep breath. “I had the weirdest dream.”

“That’s nice,” Jensen replies. “I’m trying to teach you chemistry and you’re off in lollipop land.”

Chemistry? Jared sits up quickly, cheek stinging as it peels away from – a textbook? Jared looks around, eyes widening as his heart thrashes in his chest. They’re in a library? What the fuck?

“What the hell is going on?” Jared asks, hand going to his throat at the sound of his voice. It’s higher and softer, carrying more of the southern lilt of home than usual. He looks over at Jensen and nearly dies of shock.

Jensen is wearing a school uniform. A fucking school uniform. Burgundy blazer, black slacks, crisp white collared shirt, and a striped blue and yellow tie. Not only that. He’s fucking young. Jensen doesn’t look a day over seventeen, all sharp angles and big round eyes, red plush lips and longer honey blond hair. He looks like all those pictures Jared teases him for.

Jared swallows hard, feeling sick to his stomach. There’s a girl two tables over fixing her make-up in a little mirror and Jared jumps out of his chair to sprint over to her. He yanks the mirror out of her hand and turns away as she cries out indignantly.

Oh god. Oh fuck. Oh shit, oh no.

He’s fucking sixteen again. Skinny as a fucking rail. All that glorious, beautiful muscle mass gone in the blink of an eye. Years worth of disgusting protein shakes and working out just wasted so he could look like Dean Forrester in the pilot of Gilmore Girls all the fuck over again.

He stares at himself in horror, reaching up to touch his sharp jaw and the tip of his pointed nose. His eyes are more cat-like than ever, tilted up at the edges as his hair flops in his face. He wants to cry like a baby, which is appropriate because he looks like one again.

“Jared?” Jensen asks from behind him, voice pitched higher. His words are more clipped and controlled than the Jensen he knows. “Are you alright?”

Jared whirls around and suddenly feels dizzy. It feels like he’s being ripped in half. There’s suddenly two of him – there’s the older Jared that’s panicking and ready to cry and wants to know what the fuck is going on, and there’s the sixteen year old Jared that goes to a private school in Boston, the one that just wants to get into a good college but he sucks at chemistry so he took a chance and asked that nice senior, Jensen, if he could please tutor him. And Jensen said yes, because he’s so polite, so pretty and soft-looking –

No. What the fuck? Seriously. What the fuck?

“This isn’t right!” Jared shrieks hysterically. “Why am I here? This isn’t me. This isn’t you.”

“What are you talking about?” Jensen asks, adjusting his glasses and biting down on his fleshy lower lip in obvious concern.

“We’re – we’re not high school students!” Jared calls, hands going to the sides of his face. “We’re not kids. We’re actors! We work together, Jensen. What the fuck, oh my god.”

“Okay.” Jensen chuckles awkwardly; one arm slipping affably around Jared’s shaking shoulders. “Someone needs a study break, I think.”

Jared stares into Jensen’s bottle-green eyes and wishes desperately for his Jensen.

The scene suddenly changes, Jared’s vision going white and filmy as his body goes weightless. He’s floating and helpless for one terrifying second, and then he’s sitting on the edge of a tiny dormitory bed, watching Jensen grade a practice test at the little desk in the corner.

“How’d I do?” Jared asks, when he really wants to scream and go the fuck home.

“Really well, Jared,” Jensen replies in a sad sort of voice. “You only missed one out of twenty.”

“What’s wrong?” Sixteen-year-old Jared is apparently determined to take the reins, tight little belly jumping at the sight of Jensen taking off his glasses and blowing hotly on the lenses. Older Jared is trapped inside, watching on in horror.

“It’s just – “ Jensen starts. He turns to Jared and he swallows hard, long fingers digging into his knobby knees. Jensen gets out of his chair and sits down next to Jared on the bed, far too close to be casual. Young Jared feels nervous and excited while older Jared is stuck on a constant loop of what the fuck, oh my god. “I’m graduating soon. And I just – I can’t leave without telling you how I feel about you.”

“And how’s that?” Jared asks breathlessly, and Jensen reaches up to touch his cheek.

What the fuck, oh my god.

And then they’re kissing. Jensen’s lips are soft and hesitant against his own. It’s better than anything Jared has ever felt before and he sags against Jensen, kissing him back with all his might.

It’s not long before they’re naked under the covers, lips red and swollen from their kisses. Jared seems powerless to stop it and his younger self doesn’t seem to want to stop, not at all.

Jensen pushes into him with a sharp grunt, breathing Jared’s name reverently over and over as he thrusts. His palm is warm on Jared’s cheek and he can’t tear his eyes away from the intensity of Jensen’s eyes.

He has no fucking idea what’s going on anymore.

Jared comes with a shout and everything goes white – that loud piercing noise shredding Jared’s eardrums again. The last thing he registers is Jensen’s hand hot on his chest, pressing against his beating heart, and then everything goes black.



Jared wakes up in a car. Thank fuck he’s not driving.

He’s idling on a curb in some seedy looking part of – LA, from what he can tell. It’s dark and cold and Jared grabs the rearview mirror, twisting it so he can see his reflection. He looks like himself again – stubbled chin and thick, muscled shoulders. Well, that’s something at least.

A knock on the passenger window makes him jump and he rolls it down cautiously. Jensen leans over and sticks his head in. Jared’s eyes widen.

This Jensen is still young, not a day over nineteen. Jared is obviously older and that blows his fucking mind. Jensen has eyeliner smudged into his lash lines and his lips are shiny with balm. He’s wearing a black wifebeater and skintight jeans even though it’s freezing out. His hair is a little greasy and his skin is pale. He looks troubled, eyes dark with a shadowed past.

His mind splits and there are two Jareds again. There’s the real one and then this one – an out of work actor wasting his days sleeping and his nights partying. He’s sad and sick of being alone and so desperate for someone to connect with that he’s trolling alleyways for hookers.

“Jensen.” The word comes out like a punch to the gut once he realizes what this is. Jensen looks cautious and scared, pulling back a little.

“How’d you know my name?” He sounds nothing like the crisp, dignified Jensen of the boarding school, nothing like the real Jensen. Jared racks his brain for an answer that doesn’t sound insane.

Is he going insane?

“You – uh. You come highly recommended.” He feels like a complete asshole as he says it, but he knows it was the right thing to say when Jensen gives him a superficial cocky grin and gets in the passenger seat.

He’s skin and bones. There’s grit under his fingernails and stains on his jeans.

“Fifty for my mouth. Hundred for my ass,” Jensen states, businesslike and cool. Jared blinks and nearly chokes on his tongue. Jensen looks over at him, dim green eyes appraising. “Though maybe the two of us could work out some sort of deal.”

Jared knows this isn’t his Jensen – but god, he wants to save this one. He wants to get him off the street and clean him up and feed him. He wants him to feel safe and warm and loved. He wants to brighten his haunted eyes and make him smile.

“I just want you,” Jared says before he can help it. He nearly claps his hand over his mouth as the words slip out. Jensen looks pained for a moment before the cocky bravado slips back in place. It’s a mask. Jared can tell.

“What’s your name, gorgeous?” Jensen asks. He snaps his gum and Jared swallows hard. It hurts to have Jensen not know who he is – even a fake hooker Jensen that spends his nights picking up johns in dark alleyways.

“Jared,” he gets out throatily, and Jensen nods. He digs a condom out of his pocket and leans over to unbutton Jared’s fly, hand reaching over to release the lever on the car seat and push it all the way back.

It happens faster than he can even think about it – Jensen’s mouth on his dick, perfect pressure and suction.

What the fuck, oh my god.

Then Jensen is climbing on his lap, straddling his hips and sinking down on him. He grips Jared’s shoulders and rides him like a pro – like a whore – and tosses his head back. Jared touches his bony hips, trails his fingers over the hills and valleys of his ribs.

Their eyes lock and Jared presses his thumbs to the thin skin at the outer corners of Jensen’s eyes, smearing black kohl on his fingertips. Jared tries to kiss him. His heart breaks when Jensen turns his head.

That gauzy feeling overtakes him again, and when it goes away he’s standing in the middle of a living room he instinctively knows to be his. His feet are bare and there’s a fire burning in the fireplace. It’s warm and cozy.

Jensen is there, drenched with freezing rain. He’s wearing his dirty jeans and a black hoodie half zipped to expose a bare, freckled chest.

“This ain’t fuckin’ Pretty Woman, Jared,” Jensen says coldly. It takes a moment for Jared’s brain to catch up. Out of work actor Jared takes control. It seems Jared can only play audience to the second act of these crazy dreams. “You can’t fuckin’ – you can’t just pull me off the street and take care of me, alright? I won’t be your fuckin’ pet whore.”

“That’s not what I want!” Jared shouts. He storms over to Jensen and grips him by the shoulders, feels sharp bone in his strong hands. “I don’t care who you are or what you’ve done. I want you – I need you here with me.”

“Why?” Jensen squeaks out, eyes wide and so green. Jared grabs his cheeks and kisses him. It’s their first actual kiss – Jared knows this intuitively.

Jensen whines into Jared’s mouth and clutches at him, sagging against him like all the energy left his body in one quick burst. Jared leads him to the bedroom and they fall into bed together. He gets Jensen out of his wet clothes and holds him close.

He pushes into Jensen as they kiss, wiping Jensen’s tears from his shadowed eyes. Jensen clutches to Jared desperately, limbs wrapped all around him as Jared thrusts into him again and again.

Jensen cries out Jared’s name just as everything goes white. He barely hears the shrill noise before the blackness descends.



Jared opens his eyes, blinking against the harsh fluorescent lights overhead.

“This is fucking bullshit,” Jared mumbles sleepily. The glowering reflection in his computer screen tells him he’s around twenty-two, skinny and lanky as shit but he knows he’s rocking a pretty fabulous six-pack under the fucking nerd jersey and clip-on tie he’s currently wearing.

A quick glance around tells him he’s in a cubicle in a busy office. Fantastic. Now he’s a fucking factory drone. A worker bee. He waits to split in half so he can get this Jared’s back story, but it doesn’t come.

“Padalecki!” Jared’s head jerks up at the sound of Jensen’s pissed off voice – the one he uses when Jared leaves his wet laundry in the washer overnight or tracks mud across the carpet.

Jensen rounds the corner and the split happens as soon as Jared sees his face. This Jared is fresh out of college – wasting his degree by working as a personal assistant for the infuriating Mr. Ackles. He also has a gigantic crush on his dickwad of a boss. Awesome.

“I don’t pay you to sit there with your thumb up your ass.” Jensen comes to a stop in front of Jared’s cubicle. His hair is parted at the side and slicked back neatly. He’s dressed in a charcoal suit that hangs just right on him and a blood red tie that circles his neck in a perfect Windsor knot.

“The Kensington files,” Jared blurts. He has no idea where that came from. God, this Jared is so fucking eager to please that he wants to vomit all over himself. “You asked for them. You’ll have them in five minutes, sir.”

Sir? He’d kick his own ass before he ever called his Jensen sir.

“See that I do,” Mr. Ackles replies. Wait. He’s mentally referring to him as Mr. Ackles now? This is grade-A bullshit. This is the worst fucking dream, or vision, or fucking acid trip yet.

Mr. Ackles turns away and storms back to his office. Jared tilts his head to the side and watches his tight little ass swish in slacks that cost more than Jared’s whole paycheck.

“You got it so bad.” Jared blinks and looks up to see – oh my god – Sandy. Now he’s dragged his ex-fiancé into this insanity? Fucking fabulous. She looks gorgeous, but this Jared feels nothing for her. Oh god. This Jared is a flaming fucking homo.

Well. All of them have been when he stops to think about it.

“Good luck.” Sandy scampers off with that, linking arms with a friend (is that Sophia?) and skipping off towards the break room.

It hits him them. This is fic. These are all plots from those stupid stories Misha links him to all the time. He is living out fan fiction. Talk about a walking fucking nightmare.

Jared remembers a site Misha showed him – like Wikipedia but completely Supernatural related. There was a list of whacked out story plots – ones that were crazy and overused. Crack? He can’t remember. But maybe if he can find that list again he can figure out what’s next – maybe even try to stop it.

Google is less than helpful.

He can’t find the Super Wiki and the first result for just typing in “supernatural” is some geeky message board site about the paranormal. He even goes to iMDB and types in his own name, and then Jensen’s. Even Misha’s. Nothing.

Supernatural doesn’t exist in this universe. Jared lets his head fall to the desk with an audible thump.

“Padalecki!” Mr. Ackles – Jensen? Shit. – screams from his office. “What the fuck do I have to do to get those files?”

“Uh, maybe open a fucking filing cabinet yourself?” Jared mumbles, but the little worker bee in him is already gathering the manila folders and hopping to. “Coming!”

Everything goes gauzy and filmy as he rushes down the hall. Fuck.

It’s nighttime, and Mr. Ackles is sprawled out on the couch in his expansive office. Jared yawns. He could have gone home hours ago but this project has a deadline and he wants to help Mr. Ackles finish on time.

He gets up off of the couch and comes to lean against the desk next to Jared, so close their shoulders brush. Jared shivers.

Oh my god, what the fuck.

“Is there any more coffee?” Mr. Ackles asks around a yawn, breath hot and moist against Jared’s ear.

“N-no,” Jared stammers. Holy shit. He’s never stuttered in his goddamn life. And now here he is, tripping over a two-letter word because all he can think about is dropping to his knees and rubbing his face all over the crotch of those expensive pants. “Ran out about an hour ago. I can make more.”

“It’s okay,” Mr. Ackles says, voice dropping an octave. “Hey, Padalecki?”

“Yes, sir?” Jared replies, eyes tracking the movement as Mr. Ackles bites down on his bottom lip, eyes going dark.

They’re all alone in the office. All the lights are off except for the lone lamp on Mr. Ackles’s desk.

“Do you know why I give you such a hard time? Why I ride you so hard?” Mr. Ackles asks, and Jared swallows hard. Soft lips brush the shell of his ear and Jared shakes his head. Mr. Ackles catches his earlobe between his teeth and bites down. Jared bites back a moan. “Because all I can think about all fucking day is – well, riding you so hard.”

“Oh god,” Jared replies. He turns his head to meet Mr. Ackles’s wolfish grin.

Then they’re kissing – Mr. Ackles fucking his tongue into Jared’s mouth with demanding thrusts. Jared is spun around, bent over Mr. Ackles’s desk, face pressed against the cool wood.

His pants are pulled down around his ankles and his hands scramble across the desk, sending pens and papers flying to the floor.

It’s not long before Mr. Ackles is fucking into him with long, rolling thrusts. Jared moans like he’s waited his entire life for this, rock hard cock slipping against the expensive veneer of Mr. Ackles’s desk.

“Fuck me, fuck me, oh god,” Jared moans, crying out when Mr. Ackles bites hard at the back of his neck, fingers digging into his hips.

His vision whites out, and this time he’s actually disappointed when everything goes black.



Jared opens his eyes and immediately winces against the bright light.

The wedding march is ringing in his ears and he’s holding hands with Jensen, looking right into his eyes.

Jared visibly flinches when he sees that they are both wearing tuxedos. He looks out at the sea of their family and friends, perched in tiny little white toothpick chairs.

Oh, hell no. They’re getting married?

Gay marriage isn’t even legal. Do they fucking live in Massachusetts in this universe?

Jared blinks and looks over at Jensen. This back story he really fucking needs.

“We are gathered here today to celebrate the joyous union…”

Jared feels himself split in two. Wait a minute. He doesn’t even know this guy. Jensen is wearing his fake, dazzling smile – the one he wears during red carpet interviews and on talk shows. The real Jensen never looks at Jared like that.

This Jared and Jensen are the sons of wealthy business owners that would both benefit from the nuptials of their respecting heirs.

Wait a minute – an arranged marriage? An arranged fucking marriage? He didn’t even know people still did arranged marriages. This is complete and utter bullshit.

He looks at the Jensen in front of him again and feels dislike surge through his veins. He’s a stuck up, bitchy spoiled brat and now Jared has to marry him so his dad doesn’t lose the company?

This fucking sucks.

“I now pronounce you husband and husband,” the pastor says. “You may kiss.”

Jensen’s face twists into a grimace and he glares at Jared like this is all his fault. What a fucking asshole.

Their lips press together out of nothing but necessity. They linger a little bit longer than they need to – but that’s just because Jensen’s lips are freakishly soft and he sort of smells like vanilla.

They walk down the aisle together, sun glinting off of their matching platinum wedding rings. They snarl at each other and push away from each other as soon as they’re out of eyesight.

So in this universe he hates his best friend. Awesome.

Jared’s vision goes soft and gauzy as he’s downing his third glass of champagne at the reception and Jensen is glaring at him from across the table.

It clears and Jared finds himself sitting at the dining room table of a high-rise apartment, chewing the world’s greatest ravioli.

“I didn’t know you could cook,” Jared says, and Jensen smiles timidly as he takes a drink of wine. His lips are stained red. He’s sort of gorgeous and Jared doesn’t really hate him anymore.

“There are a lot of things you don’t know about me,” Jensen says, eyes trained to the floor as he walks by. Jared reaches out to grab his wrist and their eyes meet. Jared feels a spark in his belly.

“Maybe I could get to,” Jared whispers. Jensen blinks, eyes flickering from Jared’s lips to his mouth. “Maybe we could make this work.”

Jensen nods and Jared gets to his feet, sending his fork scattering to the floor. He cups Jensen’s face in his hands and kisses him, tongue sweeping into his mouth and tasting sweet wine.

Clothes litter the floor and Jared hefts Jensen’s naked body up onto the dining room table. He fucks into Jensen right there, holding his hips as Jensen wraps his legs around Jared’s waist.

The table creaks and groans under their weight and Jensen buries his fingers in Jared’s hair, tugging on it when he cries out.

“Jared, Jared – oh god,” Jensen pants, arching up as Jared buries himself deep inside. “Jared, I think I’m in l– “

Jared suddenly blacks out.



The next one is too crazy for Jared to even process. Seriously.

Jared opens his eyes to see Jensen standing in front of him. His skin is shimmery and he has wings – massive ones that nearly block out the sun when he unfurls them.

Jared doesn’t get any back story this time. He just opens his mouth against Jensen’s when he kisses him. He presses his fingers into glowing, golden skin and lets Jensen fuck him in the middle of a field of wheat, all wrapped up in soft white feathers.



Jensen turns into a girl and Jared fucks him until he isn’t one.

Then he fucks him again.

It’s not the worst day in the world.



Jared opens his eyes and barely has enough time to get his bearings before he’s falling off of – a stripper pole? Seriously?

You’ve got to be kidding.

He’s standing in the middle of a spotlight on an elevated stage in nothing but a pink g-string. He’s oiled up and his chest is heaving from a dance he thankfully popped in at the end of.

He’s sort of overwhelmed by all the applause, and he’s about to flee when he spots Jensen sitting at a table near the stage. He’s with Misha, Mike, and – Chad? They’re all clapping and cheering and Jensen is just staring at him, teeth pressing into his bottom lip.

Mike waves a bill in the air, motioning at Jensen over his head with a wry grin. Jared hops off stage and saunters over to the group, trying to be sexy. Too bad sexy was never really his forte.

He trips over someone’s shoe and goes sprawling, but he manages to land on his knees in front of Jensen, hands gripping his thighs as he tilts his head back. It actually ends up being pretty cool. Jensen’s eyes widen and as soon as Jared looks up into them, he discovers that this Jared is painfully shy when he’s not stripping. He’s just trying to put himself through veterinary school.

How fucking adorable.

Jared stands up and drags Jensen towards the private booths, barely pausing to let Mike shove a fifty in his g-string and smack his ass.

Jared rolls his eyes and pushes Jensen into the booth. He stumbles forward and lands in the chair. This Jared has some moves apparently, because Jared swings his hips forward and straddles Jensen’s lap.

“I – I’ve never – “ Jensen fumbles over his words and squeezes his eyes shut. Jared shushes him and takes Jensen’s hands, placing them on his greased up hips. He’s pretty sure it’s against the rules, but he doesn’t give a shit.

“Just move with me,” Jared whispers, rolling his hips against Jensen’s. A few minutes into the lap dance and he’s never been more turned on in his entire life.

The song winds down and Jared looks down at Jensen, at his wide eyes and parted lips. He cups Jensen’s chin and presses their mouths together in a soft but dirty kiss.

His vision starts to go white and filmy, and Jared whimpers.

When it returns he’s sitting in the living room of a shabby little apartment. It’s Jensen’s.

An orange tabby jumps on his lap and butts his head against Jared’s chest. Jared chuckles and scratches it behind the ears. He somehow knows that its broken claw is healing nicely.

“I’ve got like – chicken flavored ramen noodles and tomato soup,” Jensen calls from the kitchen. Jared feels a strange warmth blossom in his chest. It’s unfamiliar.

“Two great tastes that taste great together!” Jared calls back sarcastically. Jensen walks into the room with his nose scrunched up, scratching the back of his head. “Let’s order a pizza.”

“I’m kinda tapped out,” Jensen replies, patting his pockets. “College sucks.”

“I got it,” Jared replies, leaning in to press a kiss to the top of the cat’s head.

“Are you sure?” Jensen asks, coming over to sit next to Jared on the couch. “I know you’re not exactly rolling in the dough since you quit – um, dancing.”

“I’m fine, Jen,” Jared says fondly. The cat jumps to the floor and Jared grabs Jensen, pulling him into his lap. They start kissing and quickly forget all about the pizza.

He fucks Jensen there on his crappy couch. Jensen stares up at him with liquid eyes, looking at Jared like he means the world to him. He wraps his legs tight around Jared’s waist and lets out tiny whimpers and groans.

“God, Jared,” Jensen grits out, pressing his palm against Jared’s chest. “I – “

“What, Jensen?” Jared says desperately. His vision starts to darken and Jared tries to fight it. “Please say it.”

“Jared, I lo – “

Everything goes devastatingly black.



Jared opens his eyes to find himself sitting alone at a table in a coffee shop. There’s a huge cup in front of him topped with whipped cream. He downs it quickly.

Even if he’s dreaming – he could use the caffeine.

He looks around but he doesn’t see Jensen anywhere. He does see Katie and Sandy working behind the counter and Chad trying but failing to flirt with them.

He sighs and uses the calm minute to read the newspaper. He doesn’t have a clue what’s going on with this Jared until Jensen shows up.

It’s not long before he does.

“Excuse me.” Jared looks up to see Jensen and would have laughed out loud if he weren’t busy getting his back story. This Jared is a shy, struggling writer just looking for love.

More importantly – Jensen looks like a douchebag. He’s wearing gray slacks and a black turtleneck. He’s wearing chunky black glasses and his hair is long enough to curl behind his ears. Of course, this Jared is completely enthralled.

He sits down across from Jared and stares at him. Jared raises an eyebrow and blushes at the same time.

“This might sound weird, but can I take your picture?” Jensen asks, and Jared bites his lip.

“What?” Jared replies timidly. Jensen laughs and shakes his head, leaning in closer.

“My name is Jensen. I’m a photographer,” he says, confidence oozing from every pore. “And I just – I’d like to take your picture.”

“Um, okay,” Jared replies softly. He looks up at Jensen’s grin and his vision swims.

He’s lying naked on a futon mattress in front of a white screen with a sheet draped artfully across his hips. He looks up to see Jensen looking at him through a viewfinder.

“Just – put your arm up,” Jensen suggests softly, and Jared slides his arm above his head. “Yeah, just like that.”

Jared feels shy and nervous through the entire photo shoot. Jensen moves steadily closer until he leans in, resting his knee on the mattress and lowering the camera.

“God, you’re so beautiful,” Jensen whispers, and Jared looks at him with pleading eyes. He lets out a muffled whimper when Jensen leans in to kiss him.

He lets Jensen fuck him right there in the sunlight pouring in through the bay windows, legs wrapped Jensen’s waist as Jensen slides his thumbs along Jared’s cheekbones.

So beautiful,” Jensen repeats. Jared arches up and cries out as his vision goes black.



Jared opens his eyes to find himself in the middle of a hospital. He’s wearing a white lab coat and holding a clipboard.

Oh god, please tell him that they didn’t actually put anyone’s life in his hands.

A detective walks up to him. It’s Jeffrey Dean Morgan, but not the JDM he knows. Strangely enough Jared gets his back story from this guy because Jensen is nowhere to be found.

“Excuse me, Dr. Padalecki,” Detective Morgan says. “I’m afraid Jensen has been kidnapped.”

Jared drops his clipboard. Half of him is terrified and the other half thinks this is fucking ridiculous.

“What do you mean he was kidnapped?” Jared screams. “Like, snatched by some pervert in a rickety van with childproof locks and no windows?”

“We don’t know why this happened yet, Dr. Padalecki,” Detective Morgan tells him in a rough, gravelly voice. “But we will get to the bottom of this. We will find your husband.”

It’s then Jared notices the silver band gleaming on his finger. He wants to laugh and he wants to cry. This is so fucking absurd.

What follows is a strange, hazy montage of Jared rolling up his sleeves and working with the police to try to find Jensen. It’s surreal.

“Got him!” Detective Morgan shouts. Jared barely has time to feel relieved before his vision goes hazy.

They find Jensen tied up in a bizarre room in an even stranger house surrounded by porcelain dolls. It’s the single creepiest thing Jared has ever seen in his life.

Jensen is rescued and Jared takes him home. They have desperate, needy, don’t-ever-leave-me sex and Jared sobs against Jensen’s shoulder.

Jared clutches tighter because he knows this is the part where he has to leave.

He isn’t wrong.



Jared opens his eyes to find himself standing at a mailbox in front of a strange house in the suburbs.

He blinks a few times. Kidnappers and porcelain dolls, really? That’s like the kind of fucked up dreams he has when he eats Mexican before bed.

He’s still staring at his quaint red mailbox when something hits his foot. He looks down to see a baseball rolling across the sidewalk. He bends down to grab it and sees a small boy looking up at him with giant emerald eyes. His hair is strawberry blond, short and spiky.

“Hi,” the little boy says, and Jared can’t help but grin. “My name is Danny. What’s yours?”

“Jared,” he replies warmly. “Is this your ball?”

Danny nods and Jared hands it to him. He doesn’t look any older than five or six, and he’s startlingly familiar.

“Danny!” Someone shouts out. Oh, he should have known. He looks at the kid again and sees Jensen in every bit of him. “There you are.”

“Hey Daddy!” Danny shouts. He’s missing a front tooth. He’s the most adorable kid Jared has ever seen in his life. “This is Jared. He’s our new neighbor.”

That’s when Jared looks up to see the moving van in the driveway of the house next door. Jensen is walking over towards them. He’s wearing glasses and one of his comfy looking sweaters over a button down shirt. He looks worn-down, tiny lines around his eyes and mouth that only come from years of pain.

He looks down at Danny again – notices the slight reddish tint to his hair, his complete absence of freckles and his adorable little nose. He thinks about his name, and his heart sinks.

“Hello,” Jensen says politely. Jared gives him a radiant grin, one of his brightest megawatt smiles, and Jensen blinks. “I’m Jensen Ackles.”

It’s so fucking weird to shake his best friend’s hand for the first time. Again. Jared looks into his eyes and gets his back story. Huh. He’s apparently a first grade teacher in this universe. He completely glosses over the fact that he apparently used to date Chad because his brain just cannot handle that.

“Jared Padalecki,” Jared replies. Jensen stares at him for a long moment and then shakes his head as if to clear his thoughts.

“And this is Danny,” Jensen says, putting both hands on his son’s shoulders.

“We’ve met,” Jared replies, winking at Danny. “Hey, you might even be in my class! I’m a teacher.”

“Cool!” Danny replies, pulling away from Jensen and running in random circles around the yard.

“If only we could bottle that energy, huh?” Jensen says nervously, shoving his hands in his pockets and rocking back on his heels. Jared doesn’t know how he never realized how beautiful the freckles on Jensen’s face are – tiny caramel covered specks covering his otherwise unmarred tan skin.

“You obviously haven’t seen me on a sugar rush.” Jared chuckles and gestures towards his house with his chin. “I was, uh – about to order a pizza. I can make it an extra large. Why don’t you guys come over?”

“Um, you sure?” Jensen asks, scratching the back of his head. Jared nods eagerly. Jensen looks over at his yard, at the haphazardly stacked boxes on the porch, and then shrugs. “Sure,” Jensen says, smiling widely. “We’d love to.”

Jared grins and runs into his yard, scooping Danny up and running for the porch. Danny giggles and Jared sort of falls in love with the sound.

His vision goes hazy as soon as he steps through the front door.

It clears and he finds himself lying in bed. He has glasses perched on his nose and a book open in his lap. What the hell?

Jensen sneaks into the room and shuts the door quietly. He’s wearing nothing but a towel and his glasses. His abs aren’t as defined as they used to be and he’s sporting the barest hint of love handles. He has flecks of gray in his hair.

He’s gorgeous.

“Oh god,” Jensen chuckles, coming over to the bed and climbing on top of Jared. He tosses the book aside and kisses Jared softly. “They’re finally all asleep down in the basement. Best birthday party an eleven year old has ever had.”

Danny is eleven? They’ve been together for five years?

What the fuck, oh my god.

“Mm,” Jensen breathes, pulling the covers away and tossing his towel on the floor. Jared sets his glasses on the nightstand and then does the same with Jensen’s. “I just wanna be with you.”

“Yeah,” Jared replies, kicking off his pajama pants so they’re tangled naked together. “Come on, babe.”

Jensen prepares him and slides his bare cock inside Jared, making him arch up and moan. He fucks him with slow, intense thrusts that make Jared see stars. Their fingers are tangled together at Jared’s hip, Jensen’s other arm wrapped around Jared’s shoulders as he presses their foreheads together.

It’s the best sex Jared has ever had.

“Jensen, oh god, Jen,” he breathes. Jensen smiles and kisses him softly. “I – I love – “

Jensen cuts him off with another kiss and Jared holds onto him as the darkness descends.



Jared opens his eyes and isn’t really surprised to feel tears in them. This is exhausting. It hurts.

He’s lying on a blanket in front of a fireplace in what appears to be a cabin in the woods. He props himself up on his elbows and waits to see what this life has in store for him.

Jensen comes out of the kitchen naked, carrying a plate of strawberries and a bottle of champagne. He looks younger again, sort of like he did when Jared first met him. He looks down at his own naked body and sees that he’s lanky and lean again – his season one body.

Jensen drops down onto the blanket next to Jared and leans over to give him a kiss. Jared puts his hand on Jensen’s cheek and looks into his eyes to figure out this Jared’s past. He gasps at what he sees.

There’s no ridiculous plot – no alternate universe. He’s just him – Jared Padalecki. He’s an actor in his second season on the best show he’s ever worked on. Jensen is his best friend. Jensen is his boyfriend.

Jared doesn’t know how to handle having Jensen in his lap when he’s just one Jared, when he’s just himself – no ridiculous façade to hide behind.

“What’s wrong?” Jensen asks. “I didn’t actually fuck your brains out, did I?”

“Huh?” Jared replies, shaking his head a little. “Oh, no.”

“Good.” Jensen places a strawberry to his lips and Jared takes a bite. Juice dribbles down his chin and Jensen leans in to lick it off. The entire scene is a romance novel cliché, and Jared would laugh if Jensen’s tongue didn’t feel so good against his skin.

They make out for a while in front of the fire. It’s nice – so far it’s always gone right to sex. Jensen’s lips are plush and full, tongue tangling with his own in amazing ways.

They feed each other strawberries and sip champagne from flutes. Jensen pushes Jared’s hair away from his face and kisses him softly.

“Hey, um – “ Jensen starts, wrapping one arm around Jared’s shoulders as he sits on his lap. “I wanted to ask you something.”

“Shoot,” Jared says. He can’t seem to wipe the grin off of his face, reaching down to take Jensen’s hand.

“Well, I know we haven’t been together for very long,” Jensen starts. He looks nervous, teeth digging into his bottom lip. “But this feels right, you know? It feels too good to ever let go.”

Jensen leans in to kiss Jared again, and he feels his heart start to beat a little faster.

“Will you marry me?” Jensen mumbles against his lips. Jared pulls back to look into Jensen’s hopeful green eyes. His cheeks are pink and his lips are red, firelight dancing across his bare skin.

Jensen wants to marry him, and shit, Jared wants to say yes.

The crazy bitch that whammied him in his trailer was right.

No matter who they are or what lives they lead – Jared and Jensen always end up together. All roads lead to the same destination. He will always fall irrevocably in love with Jensen, no matter what.

They were made for each other. They’re meant to be.

“Yes,” Jared says decisively. Jensen’s whole face lights up. His grin is gorgeous – radiant and bright. “I’ll marry you.”

Jensen’s eyes get wet and he takes Jared’s face in both hands.

“God, Jared,” he says thickly. “I love you.”

The room explodes – filling with brilliant white light. Jared covers his ears when the shrill, piercing noise accompanies the brightness.

“No!” Jared screams. “I want this!”

He struggles to see Jensen’s face one last time before the world goes black.



Jared comes to on the floor with his cheek mashed into cheap, rough carpet. He sucks in a sharp breath and inhales dog hair and cookie crumbs and whatever else lives in the rug and immediately starts to hack up a lung.

“Shit, Jared.” Jensen’s voice sounds close and far away at the same time. “What the fuck happened? You scared the hell out of me.”

Jared doesn’t really want to open his eyes. He doesn’t want to know what world he’s living in now. They’re probably Olympic divers or he’ll have no legs or some shit.

No. Jared keeps his eyes shut and conjures up the image of Jensen’s smile after he said yes – it was like no one else had ever smiled before. He wants to hang onto that memory forever.

“Jared!” Jensen’s toe connects with his hip. “Get the fuck up before I go get the medic. That’s fucking it, man. I’m telling Krip we need a fucking day off if you’re to the point of passing out in your trailer.”

Jared’s eyes snap open. Holy shit. He is in his trailer. He pulls himself into a sitting position and rubs at his eyes. He comes away with fake blood on his hands, courtesy of Sam Winchester’s latest head wound.

“Oh, holy shit.” Jared blinks and tries to stand, wobbling slightly. Jensen takes his arm and drags him over to the bed. He dumps him on it and grabs a washcloth as he goes over to the sink.

“What the hell happened?” Jensen asks, looking over at him as he waits for the water to heat up.

Jared blinks again. He isn’t sure what the fuck to say here. He can’t exactly tell Jensen that a crazy fangirl with magical powers broke into his trailer and put a spell on him that made him realize he’s pretty much in love with him.

“I, uh, hit my head,” Jared tells him. “Had a really crazy dream.”

“Should I go get Dave?” Jensen asks, wringing out the washcloth and coming over to sit next to Jared on the tiny bed.

“No, ‘m fine,” Jared replies. Jensen nods and presses the washcloth to Jared’s face, wiping away streaks of stage make-up.

“Gotta say, it scared the shit out of me to come in here and see you on the floor,” Jensen admits, eyes locked on Jared’s forehead. “Don’t do that again. I’m kinda fond of you.”

Jared watches Jensen as he gently wipes away all traces of make-up, folding the washcloth over and over to find the clean spots. Jared watches his face intently, thinks of all the strange looks Jensen has given him over the years. He now knows what they meant.

“Jen, you like me, don’t you?” Jared asks gently. Jensen’s eyes widen infinitesimally, cheeks flushing slightly.

“Course I do,” Jensen says, too calm and casual. He wipes the washcloth down the side of Jared’s neck. “Just said I did.”

“No,” Jared replies, reaching up to grab Jensen’s wrist. Jensen looks at him and swallows hard. “You’re in love with me.”

“What?” Jensen squeaks, laughing nervously as his eyes dart around the trailer. “Why would you –“

Jared leans forward and presses their mouths together. He thought he would be used to kissing Jensen considering all the times he’s done it – but those times were carbon copies of reality. They don’t even begin to compare to the actual feeling of Jensen’s lips on his own.

“Jared,” Jensen breathes, pulling back slightly. Jared tangles his fingers in the front of Jensen’s shirt and pulls him in again.

“Shh.” Jared wraps his arms around Jensen and crushes their mouths together again. Jensen whimpers and Jared swallows the sound, licking across the seam of his lips.

“Don’t fuck with me,” Jensen pleads against his lips. “I can’t handle that.”

“I’m not,” Jared promises, nibbling on Jensen’s bottom lip. God, this feels so fucking good. “I want this – you have no idea.”

Jensen lets out a harsh laugh that sounds almost like a sob and kisses Jared again, deep and passionate. Jared moans into his mouth, fingers pulling at his short-cropped hair.

It’s not long before their clothes are in a messy pile on the floor. Jared pushes Jensen down onto the narrow bed and lets his eyes travel over the gorgeous expanse of his naked body.

He’s seen it over and over again in his head, but nothing compares to the sight of it spread out before him. Jensen is breathing hard, chest heaving as he stares up at Jared with wide eyes. Everything is written on his face and Jared has no idea how he never noticed it before.

Jared leans over to find the small tube of lube he keeps in the trailer for relieving tension between scenes and digs a condom out of his jeans. He slips it on and Jensen’s eyes widen, cock twitching against his thigh.

Jared prepares him quickly but thoroughly, working him open on three fingers. Jensen cries out and arches up, legs spread so wide that one slips off of the bed. Jared leans down to suck Jensen’s cock into his mouth, cleaning the sticky wetness from the head. It’s bitter and salty, a sharper taste than what he remembers from the visions.

Jared lines up, trailing his fingers along Jensen’s inner thigh as he wraps his leg around Jared’s waist. He takes a deep breath, blowing his bangs out of his eyes as he looks up at his best friend’s face.

“Have you done this before?” Jensen asks breathlessly, reaching up to place his palm over Jared’s heart just like he did in all those visions. It makes Jared feel warm all over as his lips curve into a wry grin.

“No,” Jared replies. It feels like he has – but that wasn’t real. This is. “But I can do this.”

He pushes in and Jensen cries out, back arching beautifully as Jared bottoms out. He leans forward and grins against Jensen’s lips, kissing him adoringly.

Jensen laughs against his lips and wraps his arms tightly around Jared’s neck.

It took him awhile, but now he gets it. It doesn’t matter which path he chooses. They all lead here eventually.

And he’s okay with that.
 
 
 
sherribonannella on August 17th, 2009 01:20 am (UTC)
this is PURE GENIUS. :D :D :D