miss california. (_mournthewicked) wrote,
miss california.
_mournthewicked

fic: underneath the weight of it all (j2, adult.) Part 3.

Back to Part 2.



It’s Thursday night and Jared and Jensen are tangled together on the couch. They’re both sleepy and sore, because Jensen worked a double and Sam went for a long run.

Sam has been tense lately, looking more irritated than usual whenever they have their meetings. He never really mentions Jensen, treating him like some blip on their radar that will soon be gone no matter how many times Jared tells him otherwise.

Jared is lying between Jensen’s legs, head pillowed on his chest. He smells like fresh soap, and Jared inhales deeply. He always heads straight for the shower when he comes from work, like he’s afraid the smell of fish on his clothes will make Jared nauseous.

He’s not sure what he did to deserve someone so attentive and caring. Jensen’s fingers are playing idly in his hair, fingertips scraping against his scalp. Jared tilts his head up, using the pads of his feet to push himself up and press his lips to his boyfriend’s. Jensen kisses him back, fingers curling softly around his chin. Jared parts Jensen’s lips with his tongue, licks his way inside and twists his body around to lie fully on top of Jensen as they make out.

Flushed with warmth, Jared kisses him harder, hand snaking under Jensen’s shirt to trail along soft, smooth skin. Jensen hums into the kiss, biting softly on Jared’s bottom lip, tugging on it before licking over the sting.

Jensen’s cell phone rings, loud and shrill somewhere, but they ignore it. Jared pinches Jensen’s nipple, pulling on it before circling the hard nub with the pad of his index finger. Jensen whimpers, hips twitching slightly. Jared can feel Jensen growing hard beneath him, two thin layers of cotton the only thing keeping them apart.

His phone rings again, but Jensen just slips his hand down the back of Jared’s sweats, squeezing a firm cheek. Jared tries to think of something different, something they haven’t done before, but his brain is devastatingly vanilla.

He thinks he might let Jensen fuck him, sometime soon. Jared had asked Sam if he’d ever let anyone do it and his alter just scoffed like even the idea was absurd. Jared had been thrilled. Now he has something he can give Jensen, something that’ll be all his, if only he can work up the courage to ask for it.

“Jensen,” he breathes, lips numb and clumsy from all their kissing. Jensen looks up at him, green eyes warm and loving as he skates his palms up Jared’s flanks, pulling up his thin cotton tee shirt. The phone rings again, but Jensen just looks at Jared and waits for him to speak.

“Christ man,” Misha calls then, storming into the living room. “If you two are gonna lose yourselves in the fucking throes of passion, can you at least do those of us not getting laid the courtesy of silencing your god damn cell phone? You’re damaging my calm.”

Okay,” Jensen laughs, nudging Jared off of him and rolling off of the couch. He keeps one hand in front of his crotch, like the tent in his pants isn’t blatantly obvious. “Someone needs a study break.”

“I’m just – I’m fucking going over algorithms in my dreams, man,” Misha whines. “I think I need Chad.”

“He doesn’t have anymore pot,” Jared calls from the couch, and Misha huffs before storming back into his room. Jensen’s cell phone rings again, and Jared sits up to look over the back of the couch as he answers.

“Chris, the fucking apartment better be burning down,” he answers, and Jared bites down on a laugh. Jensen is smiling, but it soon turns into a groan. “What did she want?” A pause, and Jensen’s eyes widen and then narrow into slits. “What do you mean you might have told her I have a boyfriend? Chris, you little – “ He pulls the phone away and looks at the display, rolling his eyes. “That’s her. Asshole.” He pulls the phone away and clicks over, pasting a bright smile on his face like the person on the other line can see him. “Hi Mom!”

Jared buries his laughter in the back of the couch, eyes following Jensen as he trails down the hall. Jensen can’t stand still when he’s on the phone, always wandering around.

He comes back out a few minutes later, phone clutched at his side and looking a little uneasy.

“Uh, so guess what?” Jensen asks, and Jared raises an eyebrow. “My parents are coming to visit. This weekend. And they, uh, sort of demanded that they get to meet you.”

Jared feels his heart drop into his stomach, which rolls unpleasantly. He shakes his head and presses against the arm of the couch, staring at Jensen with wide eyes.

“No, Jensen,” he pleads. “I can’t.” Jensen sighs, running his fingers through his golden hair before climbing up onto the couch, sitting Indian style between Jared’s splayed legs.

“Why not?” He asks, but the look on his face says he already knows the answer. “Jared, c’mon. It’ll be okay.”

“I can’t,” Jared says again. “You – you’re too important to me. I can’t fuck it up.”

“You won’t fuck it up,” Jensen assures him, reaching out to take his hand. Jared just shakes his head again. “Jared.”

No, Jensen,” he says resolutely. “You know that my main trigger is stress. What’s more stressful than meeting the parents?”

“Probably not a whole lot,” Jensen replies, looking up at Jared with sad eyes.

“What if I get triggered and I freak them out? I don’t do well around people,” Jared tells him, like he doesn’t already know. “I sit in the back of all my classes so no one will notice if I zone out and pray whoever takes control is feeling generous enough to take notes for me. I sit in the back corners of the bookstore and ignore everyone. I can’t stand the thought of them thinking I’m some sort of freak.”

“You are not a freak, Jared,” Jensen says, and he just scoffs and looks away. Jensen cups his cheek, so gentle. “You’re not.”

Jared sighs, titling his head to look at Jensen. He smiles tentatively and slides his fingers into Jared’s hair.

“You’re just saying that because I put out,” Jared says, embarrassed by his little freak out and trying to change the mood. Jensen grins and tugs playfully on his hair.

“Well, yeah,” Jensen smirks, and Jared lets out a shaky little laugh. Jensen crawls into his lap, looping his arms around Jared’s neck. “You don’t have to go if you don’t want to. I’m not going to make you. But – they’re my family, Jay. And you’re gonna be around for awhile. Hopefully forever.”

“Are you packing me for a guilt trip, Ackles?” Jared smirks, but his heart pounds a little faster at Jensen’s words. Forever.

“Possibly. Is it working?” Jensen replies. He clasps his hands under his chin and bats his eyelashes, lower lip jutting out. “Do you love me, baby?”

“Low,” Jared laughs, leaning to lick across that plump bottom lip. Jensen hums in approval and kisses him softly. Jared sighs, pressing his forehead against Jensen’s jaw. “Okay, I’ll go. And I’ll talk to the others and try my best. But you gotta look out for me, okay?”

“I promise,” Jensen says, nodding and pressing a kiss to his temple. “It’ll be okay.”

Jared nods, kissing the hollow behind Jensen’s ear. It makes Jensen shiver, and it thrills Jared that they’ve been together long enough for him to know these things.

“You owe me like, so many blowjobs for this,” Jared says, breathing the words heavily into Jensen’s ear. Jensen shudders again, relaxing against Jared’s body. Jared likes blowing Jensen. A lot, actually. But Jensen gets off on Jared’s cock. He loves it, and Jared loves that mouth. It’s a win-win.

“Really?” Jensen pants, hands sliding down Jared’s stomach. “How many are we talking?”

“Hundreds,” Jared replies, grinning at the hungry gleam in Jensen’s eyes. He licks his plump lips, sliding boneless off of the couch and onto his knees. Jared looks down at him, cock hardening at the sight of Jensen looking up at him through that thick fringe of lashes, lips gleaming in the light from the television.

“I guess I better get started,” Jensen says, grinning wickedly as he pulls Jared’s cock out of his pants. He wraps his fingers around the shaft and leans in to lick teasingly at the head, tongue pressing at the slit.

“That’s – that’s a good start,” Jared moans, hands going to Jensen’s face, feeling his cheeks hollow out as he sucks him into his mouth.

Jensen blows him wet and messy, and Jared lets his head fall back against the back of the couch with a soft groan. It’s hard to feel stressed when he’s so lost in Jensen.

He relishes in that.


When Jensen shows up to an empty apartment two hours before they’re supposed to meet his parents at the restaurant, he’s a little concerned.

He’s been at work all day so he hasn’t spoken to Jared since this morning, and he has no idea if he’s still in control. Today’s date on the calendar has meeting the parents!! in Jared’s blue handwriting, underlined twice. Right above it, Sandy has written hair appt! in her loopy pink scrawl.

He sends up a quick prayer that Jared is actually just out getting his hair cut, because he’d hate to tell his mom and dad that his boyfriend stood them up because he’s currently being inhabited by a girl. Or a stoner. Or worse – Sam.

It doesn’t do him any good to worry, and he hurries into the bathroom to shower off the smell of the tilapia special.

When he comes out in Jared’s fluffy bathrobe and sees Jared sitting on the bed in a pair of slacks with his hair neatly combed, his heart drops. But then Jared looks at him, nervous but happy, and Jensen lets out a sigh of relief.

“Jared,” Jensen says, smiling. “Your hair looks good.”

“Thanks,” Jared replies, reaching up like he’s going to touch it but pulling his hand away at the last moment. “I had her keep most of the length because you said you liked it longer.”

“Long and messy,” Jensen smirks, and goes over to his dresser to pick out an outfit. He doesn’t have a lot of clothes, and certainly not a lot of nicer ones, but he picks a pair of black slacks and a green button down. “I’ll run my fingers through it when we get home tonight.”

He drops his towel and gets dressed quickly, going over to the mirror to mess with his hair. Jared is eerily quiet, and he watches him in the mirror.

“You okay, babe?” Jensen asks, and Jared looks over at him. “Everything is going to be fine, you know.”

“I know,” Jared replies, taking a deep breath. “I’m just nervous. I haven’t cared so much about someone liking me since, well – you.”

“And look how that turned out? You got me to fall in love with you without even trying,” Jensen says, coming over to stand in front of Jared. He puts his hands on Jared’s shoulders, massaging him a little as Jared leans in to rest his cheek against Jensen’s stomach. “They’ll love you, Jared.”

“If you say so,” Jared says, tilting his head back to look up at him.

“I do,” Jensen replies. “Just consider it a warm up for the Ackles family reunion this summer. A hundred people that can’t wait to meet you.” When Jared’s eyes widen comically, Jensen laughs. “I’m kidding.”

“Jerk,” Jared breathes, and Jensen leans down to kiss the top of his head.

“Maybe we should go somewhere this summer,” Jensen says. “Somewhere fun. Somewhere with a beach. Ask for suggestions at the next brain trust meeting.”

“Will do,” Jared replies, kissing Jensen’s stomach through his shirt before he gets up to put on his own. It’s something sleek and dark red, contrasting beautifully with his tan skin. “It’s now or never, right?”

Jensen just smiles and gives him another kiss.

The restaurant Jensen picked is a nicer one that serves thick, juicy steaks that his dad is sure to appreciate, and has no seafood in sight. His parents are already seated at a table for four when they arrive, and Jensen takes Jared’s hand and leads them over.

Jared keeps a death grip on Jensen’s hand, a polite smile pasted on his face as they approach. Jensen has to shake him loose once his mother spots him and pulls him into a giant hug.

“Oh, my sweet little boy,” she coos and Jensen feels his cheeks heat up. “You look exhausted. Are you sleeping?”

“Mom, I am twenty-five years old,” Jensen sighs. “And I’m a med student with bills to pay. Sleeping ain’t in the job description.”

Jared actually chuckles at that, and his mother’s eyes snap over to him. She looks him up and down and Jensen reaches back to sling his arm around Jared’s waist and propel him forward.

“Mom, Dad. This is Jared,” Jensen says, and Jared gives them a dorky little wave that warms Jensen’s heart. “My boyfriend.”

“Well, aren’t you gorgeous?” His mother says, perfecting that Texas twang Jensen worked so hard to lose once he left for college.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Jared says sincerely, extending his hand. His mother, of course, bypasses it and hugs him. Jared looks startled, and Jensen nearly panics. But Jared just hugs her back and then extends his hand to his father. “Sir.”

“Good to meet you,” his father says, and they all settle in at the table.

“So how did you two meet?” Donna asks, and Jared nearly chokes. Jensen just laughs and takes Jared’s hand under the table.

“We met at the bookstore on campus,” Jensen says, and it’s true. That is where he met Jared. Technically.

They share pleasant conversation while they browse their menus. Jared is funny and engaging, making his father laugh and his mother smile, but Jensen can tell how nervous he is. The waiter comes over to take their order, and while his parents place theirs he leans over to whisper into Jared’s ear.

“Jared, calm down,” he says softly. “You’re doing great, and if you don’t relax you know what’s going to happen.”

Jared just nods and closes his menu, smiling politely as he orders steak and a baked potato, extra butter. Jensen takes the same.

Shortly before their food comes Jared nearly spills his water glass, his hand is shaking so bad. He closes his eyes and Jensen swears under his breath. Luckily, the waiter comes then and his parents don’t notice Jared’s blank expression.

The waiter sets a plate in front of Jared just as his eyes snap open, and he looks a little distressed as he looks down at it and then around the room. He seems to nod at himself and then smile over at Jensen, fond and familiar. Sandy. Jensen realizes it could be worse.

“So, Jared,” his mother starts, and Jensen watches Sandy with wide, apprehensive eyes. “What are you studying?”

“Psychology,” Sandy says with a smile, and Jensen’s parents don’t seem to realize the slight rise in the timbre of his voice. “I’m completely fascinated with the way the human mind works.”

Jensen hides his nervous laughter behind his napkin.


Jared opens his eyes to see himself staring down at a slice of half eaten cheesecake, stomach full and satisfied. The last thing he remembers is Jensen’s parents talking about Dallas as they waited for their food.

Oh god, he ruined it. His head snaps up, ready to apologize and flee, but Donna and Alan are laughing and Jensen’s hand is on his knee. He looks over at Jensen desperately, trying to gauge what happened, and Jensen just gives him an encouraging little nod.

His heart races through the remainder of the meal, and when the check comes he snatches it from the waiter and won’t take no for an answer.

He apologizes relentlessly on the car ride home, and Jensen shushes him every single time.

“Jared, it’s fine,” he assures him. “Sandy was great and they didn’t notice anything.”

“They were supposed to meet me,” Jared reminds him.

“They did,” Jensen counters and he parks the car. They walk upstairs hand in hand and head straight for the bedroom. Jared collapses face down onto the bed, sighing into the sheets.

A few minutes later the bed dips and Jensen is there, rubbing soothing circles low on Jared’s back. He turns his head and watches Jensen’s face, sees the devotion in those gorgeous green eyes.

“You deserve better than this,” Jared whispers, and Jensen’s eyes harden, fingers bunching in the expensive fabric of his shirt.

“Don’t say that,” Jensen says sternly. “I love you, Jared.”

“Yeah,” Jared scoffs. “If it was only me you had to deal with, we wouldn’t have a problem.”

“I don’t care how I get you,” Jensen breathes, rolling Jared onto his side and gathering him into his arms. “As long as I get you.”

Jared just sighs, feeling inadequate and unworthy as Jensen kisses his forehead. They don’t do much more than kissing, and Jared barely manages to get out of his clothes before Jensen falls asleep.

Jared watches him, fingertips trailing along his shoulder blades. He hadn’t really noticed until Donna mentioned it, but Jensen does look exhausted. There are soft purple smudges under his eyes and he’s lax and boneless as he sleeps, completely knocked out.

Jensen is the best person he’s ever met – working a crappy job he hates to put himself through eight grueling years of school because all he wants to do is save people. He’s considerate, passionate, and funny – and so much more than Jared deserves. But maybe he could, if he tried hard enough.

He rolls out of bed and walks quietly over to his desk, digging through a drawer to find his leather bound address book. He flips to a certain page and slides his fingers over the raised lines of ink, the number still familiar even though he hasn’t dialed it in three years.

Jared takes another long look at Jensen, at the slope of his back and the strong curve of his arm, loose fist curled under his chin. He sighs and pads out into the living room, flopping down onto the couch and closing his eyes before he can change his mind.

Blackness descends quickly.

He opens his eyes to find Sandy nearly right in his face, chocolate eyes wide and brown curls bouncing.

“Oh, Jared,” she says quickly. “Did everything go okay? I tried my best.”

“You were fine, Sandy,” he says, giving her shoulder a grateful squeeze. “I actually need to talk to you guys.”

“What’s up?” Chad asks. He’s sitting cross legged on the ground, resting against a solid black wall. Sam is standing next to him, arms crossed. He’s been strangely quiet lately.

“I think,” Jared starts, pausing and taking a breath. “I think it might be time for me to start going back to therapy.”

Three pairs of eyes snap to him instantly.

“But Jared,” Sandy starts gently. “Last time – “

“Last time I wasn’t ready,” Jared interrupts, running his hand through his hair. “I – I think I could be ready now.”

“Let me guess,” Sam says icily. “Because of Jensen.”

“Maybe,” Jared replies tersely. “But it’s my decision to make. And, well – I’ve decided.”

The three people that have helped him survive the past ten years all stare at each other, eyes wide like they know their days are numbered.

Jared can only hope they’re right.


Finals are the work of the devil, Jensen is sure.

Jensen trudges into Jared’s apartment and tosses his messenger bag in the general direction of the hook before heading straight to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. Jared is sitting on the couch, and he tousles his hair on the way by.

“Hey,” Jared says, getting up and following Jensen as he gulps down a hit. “You done for today?”

“Yes, thank fuck.” Jensen sets his coffee cup in the sink and turns back to Jared. “You?”

“Yep.”

“Good,” Jensen says, taking a smooth step forward so he’s close enough to touch. “Because you know what I need?”

“What?” Jared asks, hands settling on Jensen’s hips. Jensen smiles and their lips brush.

You.” He crushes their mouths together, teeth nipping at Jared’s lips until he parts them and he can lick his way inside. Jared lets out a muffled hum and returns the kiss, walking backwards towards his room.

They burst into the bedroom and Jared falls backwards onto the bed, Jensen crawling onto him and straddling his hips. He pulls off his shirt and tosses it aside before pulling Jared’s over his head.

They quickly shed the rest of their clothes and Jared pushes Jensen down onto his stomach, straddling his hips.

“Mm, yeah,” Jensen breathes, pillowing his arms under his head and tilting his hips up in invitation. His eyes pop open in surprise when he feels Jared’s strong hands kneading at his shoulders. “What are you doing?”

“You’re really tense,” Jared replies, moving his hands down Jensen’s spine. “You need to relax.”

“I don’t wanna relax,” Jensen retorts, reaching over to the nightstand and grabbing the lube. “I wanna get fucked.”

Jared just chuckles, taking the lube and setting it at the base of Jensen’s spine, hands still massaging his shoulders. Jensen lets out a needy whine and spreads his legs.

“Slow down,” Jared breathes, leaning down to kiss the nape of Jensen’s neck. Jensen doesn’t want to slow down. He wants it hard and fast, wants Jared to empty his head of everything but him, and here and now.

The lube is lifted from Jensen’s back, opening with a soft click, and Jensen sighs in relief. Jared works two fingers into him swiftly, and Jensen pulls his knees up underneath him, face still smashed into the pillow. He hears the tear of foil, the slick sound of lube on latex.

“God, you’re gorgeous,” Jared breathes as he presses in a third slick finger. Jensen moans, back arching. He’s so into it that he doesn’t notice Jared’s pause – can’t see his face go slack because he’s behind him.

He has no idea that it’s not Jared he’s with – not anymore.

“Jared, c’mon,” Jensen pleads, pressing back against the head teasing at his entrance. He wants it so fucking bad.

“Oh, what a pretty picture.” And then he’s pressing in, so big, not stopping until he’s all the way inside. “Yeah, that’s nice. You need it bad, don’t you gorgeous?”

Jensen freezes, blood running cold at the tone of voice. He tries to look over his shoulder but he’s grabbed by the back of the neck, cheek smashed into the pillow. He lets out a yelp, fingers scrabbling against the rumpled bed sheets.

“Sam,” Jensen says brokenly, cheeks flushing with shame rather than arousal. “Get the hell off of me.”

“Jensen,” Sam sneers, one hand gripping his hip roughly as the other holds his face against the bed. “What the hell makes you so special?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jensen whimpers, trying to move forward but Sam slings an arm under his hips and pulls him back, keeping his cock buried inside Jensen’s ass.

“What is it about you that makes him think he doesn’t need us anymore?” Sam rasps, hand sliding down Jensen’s stomach to wrap around his softening cock. Jensen lets out another whimper as Sam squeezes. “But you need me. Don’t you, baby? Need me to fuck you right.”

“Sam, please stop,” Jensen pleads, squeezing his eyes shut when he feels them prickle with tears. “Let me go.”

“Oh come on, gorgeous,” Sam purrs, and Jensen jerks as his thumb circles the head of his dick, smearing the pre come there. “Don’t act like you don’t want it. I know you think about that night, how fucking good I was to you. Jared can never fuck you like I can and you know it.”

“God damn it, Sam,” Jensen growls. He reaches back, trying to hit Sam but he catches him by the wrist, holds his hand against his back. Sam chuckles as he slowly pulls out of Jensen, pausing when just the very tip of his cock is at his entrance and then slams back in hard and rough, hitting in just the right place. “Ah! Oh, fuck. Sam, you asshole.”

“Shh.” Sam lets go of his dick, snatching Jensen’s other flailing hand and pinning them both to the small of his back. He grips the spur of his hip with his other hand, pulling him up a little higher on his knees. He starts driving into him, hard and fast, and the angle pins Jensen’s shoulders to the bed, makes it impossible for him to lift his head. “That’s it.”

Tears sting Jensen’s eyes and he hates himself because it feels so good. He struggles a little, trying to pull away, but that just seems to spur Sam on, makes him slap his ass as he fucks him.

Jensen lets out a sob, tears staining white cotton as he just gives up, lets it happen.

“Oh, you’re such a whore,” Sam says, but he sounds pleased. “Knew you would love it.”

Jensen doesn’t say anything, biting his lip to keep from letting out another sob. Sam’s hand snakes around to his cock and he starts to stroke. Jensen is so ashamed that he’s still hard, that he still responds to Sam’s touch by gasping and arching up.

“Gonna come for me?” Sam asks, driving into him even harder. Jensen doesn’t say anything, just bites his lip as tears streak his cheeks. “Oh, I think you will.”

He changes up the angle, hits him perfectly every time as he strokes Jensen in time with his thrusts. Jensen tries to fight it, but pleasure curls up his spine and he lets out a sob as he comes, slicking Sam’s palm.

Sam tenses then, letting out a sharp groan as his orgasm hits. Jensen shudders as he feels his cock pulse inside of him.

“You got what you wanted,” Jensen says despondently, voice thick with tears. “Now let me go.”

Sam pulls out of him and Jensen winces as he lets go of his aching wrists. He scrambles off of the bed as soon as he’s free, stumbling into the bathroom and slamming the door on Sam’s delighted chuckle.

He steps into the shower, feeling violated and so ashamed. He could have stopped Sam if he really wanted to. He could have gotten away.

Another sob escapes him and he turns on the shower, letting the icy spray cut into his skin.


Jared opens his eyes and finds himself staring at the ceiling, Sam’s laughter ringing in his ears.

He sits up, reaching up to brush his sweaty bangs out of his face. Something wet smears across his forehead and he pulls his hand back, noticing that it’s covered in come.

That’s when he feels the ache in his muscles, the full condom on his softening dick. The shower is running, and Jared comes to a sickening realization.

He nearly falls in his haste to get off of the bed, opening the bathroom door and skidding across the tiles. Jensen is silhouetted behind the frosted glass, and he can barely see through all the steam.

“Fuck off, Sam!” Jensen shouts, and he sounds wrecked, voice thick like he’s been crying. “Leave me alone.”

It’s like Jared’s worst fears have all just been realized.

“Jensen, it’s me,” Jared says, hands shaking profusely as he pulls off the condom and tosses it into the trashcan. “What happened?”

“What do you think happened?” Jensen shouts, the last word breaking on a sob. Jared’s heart clenches and he opens the shower door, hissing as he’s hit with boiling water.

“You’re going to burn yourself,” Jared says, reaching past Jensen to turn off the shower. Jensen flinches when their skin brushes and Jared wants to cry. He turns Jensen around, heart sinking as Jensen presses back against the tiles. He stares at Jared’s face, wide eyes studying him intently like he’s afraid it’s still Sam.

“Baby, it’s me,” Jared assures him, voice cracking. He holds his hand out to Jensen. “Let’s get you dried off, okay?”

Jensen tentatively takes his hand, and Jared leads him out of the shower. He helps him into a bathrobe and pulls one on himself. He leads them past the messy bed and out into the living room, trying not to be too upset when Jensen takes the opposite end of the couch from him.

“Can you – can you please tell me what happened?” Jared says, because he just needs to know. Jensen looks up at him with weary eyes, and Jared’s heart clenches as they fill with tears again.

He did this. He caused Jensen this pain.

“Sam fucked me,” Jensen chokes out. “I – I thought it was you at first and when I realized it wasn’t I tried to get away, but – but I then I just let him.” He looks down at his own hands, eyes slipping shut. “I let him. I’m so sorry.”

“Jensen, no,” Jared replies, taking a deep breath as an unfamiliar rage boils up inside of him. He’s never gotten this angry, not once in his life. Sam always takes over before it can go too far. Well, not this time. “Don’t ever apologize. I should be the one begging for you not to leave me. But you could and – and I wouldn’t blame you.”

Jensen just sucks in a shuddering breath, wiping at his eyes with the sleeve of his robe. Jared seethes and the rage boils over, makes him shake and turns everything red.

“Don’t leave, okay?” Jared says desperately, clutching at his shoulders as blackness descends.

“No!” Jensen shouts, but it’s too late. He’s gone.

Gray mist surrounds him when he opens his eyes, locking on Sam with a hatred he’s never felt before. The smirk drops from his face with one look from Jared.

Jared lunges forward.


“Damn it, Jared!” Jensen shakes his shoulders, watching as Jared’s eyes roll back into his head. “Come back.”

But Jared just sits there, blank and useless, when Jensen needs him most.

“I can’t – I don’t know how much longer I can do this,” Jensen whispers against his neck, knowing full well Jared can’t hear him. “Come back and make me stay.”

But he doesn’t.

Jensen goes into the bedroom and changes into his clothes, tears still leaking from his eyes. He passes by Jared on the sofa, watches his lips move, watches him jerk, looks into blank eyes with no idea what he’s seeing.

He kisses Jared’s forehead, and then he leaves.


When Jared comes back into his body it’s the middle of the night, and Jensen is nowhere to be found.

He’s not surprised, but it hurts.

He starts crying then, huge sobs ripping him apart. His chest aches with the force of it, so new and unfamiliar. He wipes at his eyes, waits for Sandy to come relieve him from his pain.

She never comes.

Jared clutches at his chest, wipes at the tears flowing from his eyes. It’s disconcerting, crying like this when he usually isn’t allowed to.

It’s strange, but it feels good. It feels like release.

It feels like healing.


Of course Jensen would leave all of his shit at Jared’s during finals week.

His exam starts in twenty minutes and he’s lacking something very important – a little blue book.

He waits in line at the bookstore, bouncing on his heels and constantly checking his watch. He’s fucking exhausted, and he’s dragging ass already. Being up half the night crying into your lumpy pillow will do that to you, he supposes.

But this exam is too important. He’s going to have to suck it up and get through it, and then he can go back to feeling like someone ripped out his heart.

A hand lands tentatively on his shoulder then, and he jumps. Warmth seeps through him and he knows, without even needing to see his face, that it’s Jared. His Jared. He takes a deep breath and turns around.

He nearly jumps at the sight of him, unwelcome memories of being pinned down by those hands against his will, that mouth laughing as he struggled, hitting him all over again. He checks Jared’s eyes, makes a note of the lightness in them that confirms that it’s Jared, and he knows Jared would never hurt him.

But the body he’s in, the other personality he shares it with, is very capable of doing just that. It’s an unsettling juxtaposition that sends a shiver down his spine.

“Jensen,” Jared breathes, shoulders sagging like he’s relaxing at the sight of him. Jared’s eyes are bloodshot, puffy and red, and Jensen has never seen him look like that before, like he’s been crying. “I – can we talk?”

“Jared, I have an exam in – “ He checks his watch. “ – fifteen minutes, and I have to get a stupid blue book and this god damn line won’t move.”

“Breathe,” Jared says, smiling tentatively like he’s not sure he’s allowed to joke around anymore. He swings his backpack around to the front and unzips it. “I have extras.”

He pulls two blue books out of his bag and hands them over, and Jensen falls in love with him all over again. Jensen breathes a sigh of relief and shoves them into his messenger bag, then looks up at Jared’s hopeful face.

“I’m sorry I left last night,” Jensen starts. “I just – “

“Don’t worry about it,” Jared says, holding up a hand. “Just, can we please talk tonight?”

“Sure,” Jensen agrees, checking his watch yet again. “I’ll be over around six?”

“I’ll cook. Okay, order takeout,” he amends when Jensen just raises an eyebrow. Jensen chuckles a little, and Jared smiles.

“I’ll be there,” Jensen says, holding up the books. “Thanks again for these.”

Jensen hesitates for just a second before leaning in and kissing the corner of Jared’s mouth. His lips are warm and soft, and Jensen just wants to get lost in them.

Instead, he hightails it out of the bookstore and barely makes it to class in time.


Jensen is uncharacteristically nervous when he shows up at Jared’s at a quarter past six. He even knocks on the door, which he rarely ever did before.

Misha pulls it open with a flourish, curtsying delicately.

“Ah Jensen, mon petit chou,” Misha exclaims, and he looks so happy that it could only mean one thing.

“All done with exams?” Jensen asks, raising an eyebrow. Misha bounces on his toes, hands clasped under his chin.

“Oui!” He shouts, grabbing Jensen and hugging him. He holds him at arm’s length, fixing him with a fierce blue gaze. “And now, I’m going to go get some pot.”

“You do that,” Jensen chuckles, but Misha doesn’t let go of him. “What?”

“Jared’s scared shitless,” Misha says meaningfully, and Jensen sighs. “No, man. Jared is scared shitless. Sam should be out and ready to take someone’s head off by now, but there’s no sign of him. What happened? Why are you guys fighting?”

“We’re not fighting,” Jensen replies, shrugging out of Misha’s grip. He ignores Misha’s other question. He’s trying very hard not to think about what happened the previous night, the reason he couldn’t sleep and cried through his morning shower. “I’m here, right?”

“See that it stays that way,” Misha replies, and leans to kiss Jensen’s cheek before skipping down the hall. Jensen snorts. They say Jared is the crazy one?

But he is, sort of. Jensen was too busy falling in love with all the good parts of Jared to really realize that there were bad parts as well. There are parts of Jared that are downright scary. Sam pinned him down so easily, held both of his wrists together, grinding bone against bone as he took what he wanted even as Jensen begged him to stop.

As much as Jensen tells himself that it wasn’t Jared, he has to admit to himself that Sam is a part of Jared. No matter how much he claims otherwise, Jared doesn’t have any control over Sam’s actions.

Sam could hurt him again.

It’s sort of terrifying – the person he loves inhabiting the same body as someone so dark, someone that has no regard for his feelings.

He already decided that it’s not worth losing Jared over, and that alone scares him. He cares about Jared so much that he’s willing to risk this happening again. He’s weary, of course. He doesn’t know when he’ll be able to be with Jared like that again, not without thinking of Sam, but they’ll get there.

They’ll just have to be more careful.

“Jared?” He calls out when he walks into the living room. He finds Jared in the kitchen, scooping Chinese takeout onto plates. “Hi.”

“Hey,” Jared replies, licking what appears to be plum sauce off of his thumb. “I hope you’re hungry.”

“Yeah, actually,” Jensen says, taking the plate Jared hands him. “I haven’t eaten all day.”

They take their food out into the living room and set it on the coffee table before sitting down on the sofa. Jensen pulls his feet under himself and looks over at Jared, waiting for him to speak.

“I knew Sam was a little out there, but I never thought he would ever hurt anyone,” Jared says softly, and Jensen sighs.

“Jared, it’s not like he tied me down or anything,” Jensen replies tentatively, not quite meeting Jared’s eyes. He doesn’t want to talk about it, doesn’t want to cement it with words and make it too real. He just wants to move on.

“I made him show me everything,” Jared says, and Jensen slumps against the back of the sofa. He would have given anything not to have Jared see that. The guilt is going to eat away at him. “You can say you let him all you want but you weren’t a willing participant.”

“Not really,” Jensen admits, shifting uncomfortably and chewing on his thumbnail. “Can we just get over it?”

“If you want to,” Jared replies, looking hopeful. “I don’t think you’ll have to worry about Sam for awhile.”

“What do you mean?” Jensen asks, face scrunching in confusion. Jared laughs bitterly.

“He’s just – don’t worry about him,” he replies cryptically, and Jensen just shrugs. He’s not too keen on seeing Sam anyway.

“So – then, we’re good, right?” Jensen asks, scooting a little closer to Jared, who turns to look at him.

“Are we?” Jared asks, leaving the ball in Jensen’s court. Jensen just smiles softly and reaches out to touch Jared’s cheek.

“We’re good,” Jensen decides, leaning in and kissing him softly. “I love you, okay?”

And he does. It’s not always easy – sometimes it’s downright fucking difficult – but being with Jared is still the best thing he’s got going for him.

“I love you,” Jared repeats, kissing Jensen again. They hug, arms wrapped tight around each other.

“Let’s eat,” Jensen says, and the discussion is over. They put on a movie, share greasy takeout and fall asleep curled up together on the sofa, worn out and exhausted.


“Baby, looks like we’ve made it!” Jensen shouts as he rushes through the front door. He takes a long look at Jared’s face, and then breaks into a grin. He holds up a bottle of champagne and then jumps into Jared’s unwitting arms.

Jared lets out a startled shout as his feet slip out from under him, laughing as he falls back onto the couch. Jensen laughs giddily and kisses under Jared’s jaw. Jared shivers, and he isn’t sure whether it’s from Jensen’s lips or the cold glass bottle pressing against his side.

“Finished your last final?” Jared laughs, arms full of wiggling Jensen as his ass slips off the edge of the couch. He plants his foot on the floor to keep from falling.

“All done!” Jensen says, kissing Jared’s cheek. “It’s summertime, baby. I got us champagne. I mean, it’s the only champagne I could afford on a theme waiter’s salary, so it’s not gonna be great. But it’ll get us drunk, right?”

“Hopefully,” Jared chuckles, pushing Jensen off of him and sitting up. “I can order some takeout. Italian, maybe?”

“Pizza!” Jensen shouts, and Jared is so happy to see him so relaxed and carefree. The incident with Sam was only three days ago, and things have been a little tense.

“You want pizza and champagne?” Jared laughs, already reaching for the phone. “That’s sort of an odd mix.”

“Whatever,” Jensen replies flippantly. “It’s alcohol and carbs. That’s all I give a shit about.”

“You expect me to still love you when you’re fat?” Jared jokes, and Jensen scoffs, rolling over to rest his head on Jared’s thigh, grinning up at him.

“Bitch, you’re gonna love me forever,” Jensen says cheekily, reaching up to poke Jared’s cheek.

“You’re probably right,” Jared replies, fingers buried in Jensen’s hair as he calls to order a pizza.

Later, they toast each other with cheap champagne in plastic tumblers, lips shiny with pizza grease. The bubbles tickle Jared’s nose and Jensen leans in to kiss him, making him feel more lightheaded than the champagne.

“Wanna go to bed?” Jensen asks, lips skimming Jared’s as he speaks. Jared pulls Jensen into his lap and shakes his head.

“I’m not tired,” he replies, and Jensen chuckles, hand slipping up his shirt.

“Me neither,” Jensen says, fingers brushing Jared’s nipple. He bites his lip as he realizes what Jensen is saying. He pulls back, looking into Jensen’s eyes.

“Are you sure?” Jared asks, and Jensen nods. They’ve slept together but they haven’t slept together – not since Sam. He didn’t want to put Jensen in that position again, didn’t want him to feel pressured to do anything he didn’t want to.

He can’t imagine what Jensen is going through. It’s like having two sides of one coin, flipping it and never knowing which one you’ll end up with.

“I – yeah, I am,” Jensen tells him, fingers curling in Jared’s hair. “It’s you. I love being with you.”

Jared grins and pushes Jensen off of his lap so can stand up. He takes Jensen’s hands and pulls him up, leading him to the bedroom. They undress each other slowly, hands roaming over bare skin as they tumble onto the bed.

Jensen rolls onto his side and Jared spoons up behind him, hand curling around his hip as he presses a kiss to the back of his neck.

“No,” Jensen breathes, tensing slightly. “I – Jared. I need to see your face.”

Jared winces, sliding backwards and rolling Jensen onto his back. He’s been doing that lately, watching Jared’s face like he’s double-checking. Jared knows it’s not him Jensen doesn’t trust, not really, but it still stings a little.

“Hey,” Jared whispers, pressing a kiss to Jensen’s mouth as he climbs on top of him. Jensen parts his thighs, letting Jared fall between them as they kiss. They rock together, dicks brushing.

Jensen pulls away, gasping as he snatches the lube off of the nightstand. He watches Jared as he slicks his fingers, pushes him back so he can reach down and get himself ready. Jared holds his thighs open, watching as Jensen fingers himself. Jared grabs a condom and rolls it on, reaching down to slip one of his fingers in alongside Jensen’s.

“Mm, yeah,” Jensen breathes happily, pulling his own fingers out. “I’m ready.”

Jared pushes inside, tangling his fingers with Jensen’s as they both let out soft moans. Jared drops down onto his elbows, pressing himself against Jensen as he starts to thrust.

They never look away from each other, responding to each other’s every kiss and touch. It’s slow and languid but still passionate, full of love and emotion.

Jensen grips his biceps, fingernails digging in as he rolls his hips slowly against Jared’s. Their eyes stay locked on each other’s, and Jared watches with rapt fascination as they change color, shifting from bright jade to inky green.

Jared wraps his hand around Jensen’s dick, stroking in time with their thrusts. Jensen shuts his eyes as he comes, and Jared presses their lips together to make up for that lost connection.

Jensen trembles in his arms and Jared follows, releasing deep inside Jensen with a strangled cry. He rolls them onto their sides, slipping out of Jensen and gathering him into his arms. Jensen sighs happily, lips pressed to the slick skin under Jared’s ear.

He came so close to losing this forever, and he can’t let that happen again.

Jensen means too much to him.


It’s dark, and his pajamas are too big. It’s dark, and he slips and lands on his hands and knees. The tile is cool against his palms and something is warm and sticky on his fingers. It’s red, and he’s covered in it. He wipes tiny hands on flannel, looks up, and his world suddenly ends.

Jared’s eyes snap open and he covers his mouth to stifle a yell. He’s covered in sweat, breathing hard and shaking. The nightmare flashes behind his eyes like an instant replay, burned into his memory. It was his memory, something from those black spots of his past, like cigarette burns on a filmstrip.

Jensen is asleep next to him, looking soft and warm, lips still swollen from their kisses. Jared touches the wing of his shoulder blade, traces a finger down his arm, and rolls out of bed.

The water he splashes on his face is cool, and he gasps. He clenches his fists around the edge of the counter and stares at himself in the mirror.

His eyes are still wide with fear, heart still pounding against his chest.

He barely recognizes himself in the mirror, doesn’t know who he’s supposed to be.

His mind is made up then and there.

It’s time.


Jensen comes out of his bathroom with a pair of loose sweats slung low on his hips, scrubbing at his hair with a towel. There’s a knock on the door, and he knows Chris and Steve are out so he goes to answer it.

Jared is on the other side, and Jensen’s face lights up. There’s something in his expression though, something dark and troublesome, and Jensen looks a little harder just in case.

“I was just about to come over,” Jensen says, opening the door wider to let Jared inside. “What’s up?”

“I need to talk to you,” Jared says thickly, and Jensen feels fear bubble up in his stomach as Jared leads him into his bedroom. He shuts the door behind them after they stumble inside, even though there is no one else in the apartment. He turns to look at Jensen with sad eyes.

“Jared, what’s going on?” Jensen asks, sitting down on the edge of his bed. “You’re freaking me out.”

“I – I have to go home,” Jared replies, and Jensen just knits his brow in confusion.

“Then I’ll take you home,” Jensen says slowly, and Jared shakes his head miserably, taking a shaky step forward.

“No. Home,” Jared says again. “To San Francisco. I’m not sure for how long, hopefully only a few months.”

He speaks like the words cause him physical pain, and Jensen shakes his head, throat burning with all the questions he has.

“You’re leaving?” Jensen asks, eyes wide with surprise and shock. “For the entire summer? Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“I just decided,” Jared replies, getting down on his knees in front of Jensen. He rests his hands on Jensen’s thighs and looks up at him with tears in his eyes. “This is something I have to do.”

“Why?” Jensen asks, one hand coming to rest on Jared’s cheek. His eyes sting and he forces himself not to cry. But the thought of Jared leaving, of him not being around everyday – it hurts. “What do you have to do?”

“My old therapist is there,” Jared replies, looking into Jensen’s eyes. “Jensen, I – I’m going back into treatment.”

“You’re going to – oh.” Jensen says, biting his lip when realization hits. He’s no psych major, but he knows enough to guess what Jared hopes to achieve by doing this. “Then I’ll go with you.”

“No,” Jared replies, pushing Jensen down by the shoulders when he tries to stand up. “God, Jensen. I want you to, but I need to do this on my own.”

Jensen just stares up at him, eyes filling with tears as he nods. The thought of going months without Jared is like agony, but if he thinks he has to do this then Jensen isn’t going to try to stop him.

Jared takes Jensen’s hands, threads their fingers together and kisses his fingertips. His breath hitches a little and he stares up at Jensen, looking lost and afraid. Jensen wants to take all the pain away, make him smile. But he can’t.

“Jensen, I know I’ve asked a lot of you,” Jared says, and Jensen just shakes his head. “But now I have another request.”

“Anything,” Jensen breathes, squeezing Jared’s hands tightly. Jared smiles a little and lets go of one of his hands to reach up and touch Jensen’s cheek.

“Will you wait for me?” Jared asks shakily, thumb skirting under Jensen’s eye to catch a tear that falls. “I love you more than anything, Jensen. And I’d like to know that no matter what I go through, I’ll be coming home to you. I’d understand if you didn’t – “

“Where else am I gonna go, you idiot?” Jensen gets out, sliding off of the bed to get on his knees in front of Jared. He wraps one arm around his neck, his other hand still gripping Jared’s. “I’ll be here, okay? Remember that.”

“I love you,” Jared says, and his voice is shaky but the sentiment is strong. Jensen presses their foreheads together, cups Jared’s cheek with one hand and kisses him softly.

“I love you too,” he replies, and he’s never meant anything more in his life. “I’ll miss you.”

“Oh god, Jensen. You have no idea,” Jared breathes, kissing him again. “I – I have to go.”

“Now?” Jensen asks desperately, clutching at Jared like he’ll disappear any second. Jared pushes his hair back and kisses his forehead, strokes trembling fingers down his cheek.

“Misha is downstairs,” Jared replies regretfully. “I knew I had to just go, or I would lose my nerve. But I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye.”

“Okay,” Jensen sniffs, wiping at his eyes. “Call me when you get there?”

“I will,” Jared promises, kissing Jensen one last time before getting to his feet and helping Jensen stand as well. “I love you.”

“I love you,” Jensen repeats, eyes swimming with tears. “I’ll see you soon, okay?”

Jared just nods, giving Jensen one last long, lingering glance before he turns around and leaves.

Jensen waits until he hears the front door close before he collapses onto his bed and lets himself really cry, soaking the pillow with his tears.

It feels like someone just took away a piece of his heart.

Part 4.
Tags: fic, jared and jensen are in love, rps, supernatural, underneath the weight of it all
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