I went to Santa Barbara to see a friend. On the car ride back, as my 2 friends talked back and forth about love// relationships// everything... I got to thinking... and I asked myself, who am I?
Who am I, today?
I'm Chiara. I don't know much about life because I dont listen to what people tell me, I learn everything through experience. I'm hard-headed. I'm the most social shy girl you will ever meet. I judge people before I know them. I judge people that hurt my friends. I believe what you say. Always. I miss something about every guy I have ever been with or dated. Even if the time together was hell. I believe in second chances. I believe in having faith in people. I have a lot of faith in people. I lack patience. I used to cry myself to sleep/ I don't anymore. And I used to try and guilt trip people I cared about... Itry not to anymore. How? I just don't tell them I'm hurt. I give you as much space as you need but I won't tell you I'm sad when I do it. I will not let you put me down. Because if I let you, I'll believe you. I get jealous. But I've gotten a lot better at not showing it. I say I'm happy being alone, most of the time I am... But I don't say it out loud how much I wish I was in love... how much I wish I had someones touch. I'm a romantic.
I'm dependent on the idea of love. But I don't tell anyone. I've got a lot of pride. I'm the, "Oh, you're making out with another girl, I'll leave" as opposed to the in-your-face "What the fuck, you are so fucked up". I like to dress up for guys. I don't know why I'm going to college in the fall, I just want to act. I wish I had money. I have amazing friends. My best friend.. is gay. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I think Hollywood is glamour. I do a lot of things in hope of karma. I guess I'm selfish. I admire the people around me, that I surround myself w/. I admire the way they talk, the way the write, the passions the have, their laughter, and their hearts. I will not bow down to someone who is "cool" in everyone's eyes, that has hurt me as much as she has. I will admit that I'm wrong only to my good friends. I have learned to not be naggy, even though it hurts a little sometimes. I have learned to be strong. Even though I had to get torn apart to feel the strength. When a boy hurts me, I go to another for comfort. I wake up every morning strengthning myself for the day to come, because I know I will be fighting my battles alone. Jerks excite me. I like roller coasters. My friends say sometimes Im just asking to be hurt. Maybe I'm addicted to pain, cause I know pain will somehow make me stronger. Today, if a boy wants to know the way I feel, he can ask me.. because I won't spit it out. I laugh out loud a lot. I like the sound of laughter. I look up at the stars and smile to myself, cause no one will smile with me. I change my hair color, a lot. I'm starting to take better care of myself. I love it when boys say my name. If I ever feel like crying I find a mirror and look into my eyes and I talk to myself, and calm myself down, an no tears drop. I love my ex boyfriend, even though we aren't together. twl. I laugh at myself. I dress up stupid and dance in the mirror, and I pretend I'm famous. I like cuddling, a lot. I get over things quick. Maybe this whole self help thing I'm doing is really paying off.
Now repeat the positives.
Repeat again.
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So there, I told you.
I'm not as strong as I seem, am I?
