August 15th, 2004

I don't write for you, I write for me.

As 17 and 18 year olds, what do we want? What is meaningless sex vs something sacred? What is caring for someone, really?

As a 17 year old girl, I want my life to get started. I'm getting antsy. But I'm going to be a lot tougher on myself as well. What do I want, what do I need?
This is the time we really do sit and begin developing into the adults we will be for the rest of our lives. "You are the only common denominator in your life, why not devote everything you can, to making yourself stronger & happier?".
School starts in 2 weeks. New friends. New people. New experiences. New hope. New emotion. New feeling. New knowledge. New dreams. New loves.
Love?... Funny. Last night my world was torn apart by someone who had no intention of hurting me. He was looking out for himself. Which guys tend to do, and girls need to do more of. But for a minute, I felt all hope I had in romance.. get crushed. Hearing certain things.. seeing his face. No. It was my fault. Chiara, why would you let yourself fall again? Its just you... investing your love in the wrong people. As quickly as that started, it can end. But is meaningless sex that bad @ this age?
Its just fun.
Last night I met someone that I really clicked with. Her and I had this whole talk. And it made me feel not so dirty about wanting to have fun.
I want to have fun until the right guy comes along. You can't force something to be sacred, if its just not meant to be. But you can't feel dirty about it. Talking to him last night made me feel so dirty.

I'm not dirty.
I need someone who will genuinely love me & care for me. Any half ass shit, I will get up and walk off the balcony & back into the house (as a matter of speaking).
I don't have to explain my actions. I will if I choose to, or if you ask me to. But its my life. I don't live on regrets..And I don't limit myself.. and I don't expect.
I need someone who will support me, & believe in me.

Im on my own, completely again. Maybe even being a hopeless romantic again. Hoping for love, for something sacred to come along.. for someone to give my love to, that will love me back. Maybe.
But I respect him for being honest. & he should know, I don't hate him.
My dying urge to get to Hollywood is starting to take over me, little by little.. I feel sufficated by my passion. I'm dying... craving... needing...
I just want my dream to come true.